If I Die Young
by Annie Lockwood
Summary: They were two very different people from very different worlds, but somehow they fit together so perfectly it was almost as if they'd been created for each other. But love doesn't always map out the way you plan it to.
1. Chapter 1

**If I Die Young**

* * *

 **Disclaimer:** I own absolutely nothing from the Harry Potter universe. This fanfiction is written purely for entertainment purposes and nothing more, though all ideas and writing are done by me and belong to me.

 **A/N:** I wanted to do something different and shake things up a bit. I had planned this out several years back to be a long story like my previous stories Alexandrite, Destiny, and Serendipity. But as I'm still working on Serendipity and Alexandrite and super busy, I don't intend this story to be very long. We'll see - I'm a very busy gal. I'm also writing this a little different than my other work - I constantly like to change things up and try new things.

Please review and let me know how you like this!

Enjoy!

.-Annie

* * *

 **I**

 _1974-1975_

* * *

 _I'm not a girl,_  
 _Not yet a woman._  
 _All I need is time,_  
 _A moment that is mine,_  
 _While I'm in between._

 _-Britney Spears_

* * *

 ** _(school's out for summer)_**

* * *

Her parents demand to spend the summer abroad.

"One last family outing before you leave for university," Lily's mother explains, glancing at Petunia over her mid-morning strawberry mimosa with watery eyes. "It will be one of those 31 night cruises, practically all summer! We will be traveling the mediterranean. Oh, Tuney, you always wanted to see Italy, didn't you?"

Lily dares a look toward her older sister who is frowning down at her impressive fruit parfait, scraping her spoon loudly against the glass bowl. Petunia is graduating early and taking off for university at the end of the summer, getting as far away from their simple neighborhood as possible.

"When do we leave?" Lily wonders, reaching for her glass.

"Tomorrow morning."

Lily's glass of sparkling lemonade freezes halfway to her lips.

"I just got home," she breathes out.

"I thought you two would be excited," their mother says, her mossy eyes - the only physicality Lily had received from her mother —narrowing in on her daughters. "When's the last time we took a cruise?"

Lily forces a smile onto her face. "Of course we are excited— " Petunia snorts unpleasantly next to Lily and the redhead gives her sister a sidelong glare "—well, _I'm_ excited. It's just a surprise."

"Yes, well, I happen to - what I mean to say is, your _father_ and I—"

Petunia releases a frustrated sigh, plops her elbow rather loudly onto the freshly polished table, ignores the disapproving whispers that erupt around the country club, glares at the empty seat next to her mother.

"Where _is_ Dad?" she accuses. "What's the point of _family_ brunch every week if he doesn't bother to show half the time?"

"Your father had to meet with a client," she replies tartly, knocking back the remainder of her mimosa.

"It's _Saturday_ ," Petunia grates.

Lily feels her knee jerking up and down impatiently under the table.

"Yes, well, your father was called in—apparently, it was an emergency."

Lily frowns, opens her mouth.

Thinks better of it, closes it.

Decides to hell with it, opens it again.

"I think a patient threatening to kill themselves is a rather big emergency for a therapist."

"Wonderful," Petunia drawls, raking a slender hand through her thick flaxen hair. "He does realize that his clients have to stay home while we're on this _vacation_ , right?"

Lily nibbles on her index fingernail, painted a rather loud shade of daisy yellow. Emmeline _insisted_ she brighten her color palette because her utterly _normal_ shades of pearly pinks and muted mauves were _depressing_ and took away from her _aura_ and Emmeline _refused_ to be depressed.

"We will need new swimsuits," her mother continues, ignoring the pair of them.

Lily bites a little too hard, chips her cheery polish, draws blood.

* * *

 _ **(somewhere beyond the sea)**_

* * *

Her mother buys them too many bikinis with her shiny AmEx and two pairs of matching, ridiculously expensive coral earrings. Petunia waits until her mother's back is turned before promptly tossing her pair in the nearest waste basket.

Her parents can't even last one day at sea before they begin to scream at each other. Lily resumes her nail biting.

Petunia flinches while applying her mascara, throws it down on the vanity, rips her sunbathing essentials from her suitcase and into her purse. She grabs Lily roughly by the elbow and makes an effort to slam their stateroom door loudly behind them.

"Don't be stupid," she snaps at Lily as they find a pair of tanning benches and flop down on them. Petunia's nail file is loud and scratchy as she drags it along Lily's ragged fingernails, her movements rough and painful. "This vacation is a death sentence, not a salvation. Those two, trapped on boat in the middle of the ocean with nowhere to be rid of each other? They'll be divorced before we reach Greece."

Lily rips her fingers from Petunia's vice-like grip, gathers her long claret hair into a high ponytail, and brings her knees to her chest.

She doesn't want to be on this stupid trip with her materialistic mother and her always exhausted father and her angsty sister. She would give anything to be back in England.

She misses Hogwarts, misses partnering with Sev in Potions, misses Emmeline's daily horoscope readings from _Witch Weekly_ , misses Mary's fretting over which shade of lipstick might impress Sirius Black.

Hell, she even misses Sirius Black.

But she doesn't miss James Potter or his ridiculously chaotic hair or his inappropriate jokes at the breakfast table or his annoying habit of thinking he's a regular Adonis —

And suddenly, she's happy to be as far away from Hogwarts as possible.

* * *

 _ **(it's a cruel, cruel sumer)**_

* * *

The summer passes painfully, like pulling teeth.

Lily's father buys her a camera in Cannes after another row with her mother. In Barcelona, Lily ditches her family during a tour of a Spanish basilica, wanders the busy streets until she finds a small shop. She purchases a photo album to house her camera's memorabilia. She falls in step with her family as they are leaving the basilica and Petunia glowers at her as she expertly slides her new purchase into her backpack.

"How'd you enjoy that, sweet pea?" wonders her father, sliding his sunglasses off his flop of strawberry hair and onto the bridge of his nose.

He hadn't even noticed she'd been gone.

"Mm, it was beautiful," Lily replies easily.

Petunia's lips peel back over her gritted teeth. "Yes, what was your favorite part?"

Lily shrugs. "The rich history and all that."

But their parents are too busy arguing over which cafe to eat at.

In Sicily, her father diagnoses Petunia's worsening sour apple attitude as a transitional crisis leading up to her leaving for university. He gives her a glittery mermaid green journal to _process_ her feelings.

"Bloody therapist, my arse," she seethes later in their stateroom, dumping the diary onto her bed. "He can't even see what's going on in his own family."

When Lily wonders how she's doing, suggests that maybe she should give the journal a shot, maybe it could help, Petunia chucks the decorative journal at her head. Instead, Petunia processes her feelings with Antonio, Milos, and Luca.

Lily writes compulsively, every detail. She even reads ahead for her upcoming school year.

* * *

 ** _(tell me, baby girl)_**

* * *

They make it to Greece without their parent's getting a divorce. When they dock in Mykonos, Lily angrily raps on the bathroom door for the fifth time in an hour.

" _Petunia_ , what the _hell_ is taking you so damn long? We are supposed to meet Mum and Dad for breakfast."

Petunia whips open the door and shoves an object in Lily's face. A bright pink double lined sign flashes in her face.

"Petunia," Lily breathes out.

" _Lily_ ," she spits out.

Lily blinks, attempts to speak, furrows her brow.

"It's positive," Petunia whispers. "It's—I'm pregnant."

She laughs hollowly. "You think if we tell them they are going to be grandparents, it will make them stay together?"

For the first time in three years, Petunia allows Lily to hug her.

* * *

 ** _(bump in the road)_**

* * *

They don't stay together.

On the last day of the trip, their fighting stops and Lily peers at Petunia over the cover of her textbook. The sisters share a knowing glance when there's a knock on the door and their parents step into their room.

"—too different—"

"—working all the time—"

"—spending problem—"

"—depression is worsening—"

"—don't love each other anymore—"

In tears, Lily's mother turns and exits the room.

"I hate you," Petunia hisses at her father. "I know you've been cheating on her with your _client_. I've known for the last _six_ months."

"Tuney—"

"What?" Lily gasps, staring between them. She looks to her father and he looks so disappointed and _dead_ she just can't bear to anymore. "You were _cheating_?"

"You are a _therapist_ , can't you _cure_ her depression?" Petunia continues crossly.

"Your mother is seriously ill—"

"Why is it so easy for you to give up on her?" demands Petunia. "Instead of spending so much time at work with your lunatic _whore_ you should be fixing her and you should be working things out!"

" _I've_ done everything I _can_ ," her father erupted. "I stopped the affair three months ago, Tuney! I came clean. We've been to marriage counseling all year. We aren't happy with each other anymore and it's time to go our separate ways."

"You are going to kill her," Petunia sobs, beating at his chest. "She's not strong enough. Where will she go?"

"She's agreed to get help," her father explains. "She's checking into a hospital when we return home. That was _her_ choice. The separation will be good for us; she can focus on herself and getting better."

Lily's fingernails are bleeding again.

On their flight home, Petunia begins to complain about cramping. She tells Lily she's been bleeding off and on for five days. Lily stubbornly puts her foot down, sets up an appointment for her sister with their family doctor. It's the closest they've been since she left for Hogwarts her first year.

"I lost the baby," Petunia declares after her appointment. "I lost my mother and I lost my baby. It's my fault—I didn't know if I even wanted it, what with me being so young and not knowing the father and starting university—"

"Tuney, I'm so sorry," Lily sympathizes, reaching for her sister's hand.

"Dont," she says harshly, coldly. "What good are you? You're leaving me, too."

Lily glances at the calendar on her wall. She returns to school soon.

She doesn't know what to say and can already feel her sister slipping away from her.

She wonders if Petunia will ever want to be her friend again.

* * *

 _ **(here comes the sun)**_

* * *

"—and then he told me I looked _pretty_ , can you believe it?" Mary squeals, jumping up and down in the crowd. " _Emmeline_ , are you paying attention? Do you _see_ him?"

"Nope," the tall Hufflepuff responds, scanning the Gryffindor section of the Quidditch pitch for Sirius Black. "First game of the season. I'm so excited!"

A gust of warm wind swats Emmeline's waist long strawberry blonde hair into Lily's mouth. She coughs, jerking out of the way. Emmeline readjust the flower wreath atop her head, silently apologizing to Lily with her wide gray-blue eyes.

"Can we just find a seat already?" Lily complains. "The Ravenclaw team is already flying out which means the game should be starting any second now."

Mary pointedly ignores Lily as she usually does. Mary MacDonald, who uses her father's reputation and her mother's generous cosmetic line to get attention and make friends, doesn't particularly like the out-spoken, simple-fashioned gusto that Lily harbors. She merely tolerates her presence because of their mutual friend, Emmeline.

"Emmy, what does my love horoscope predict for this month?" Mary wonders, plopping down on a nearby bench.

She pulls out her compact mirror and applies another layer of fuchsia lipgloss to her bowtie lips.

"I have a feeling he's going to kiss me soon and I need to prepare myself."

"Oh, please," Lily mutters, chuckling.

Emmeline glances at Lily with a smirk. "Play nicely, Lily. Unkind thoughts can muddy your chakras."

Just then, something hits Lily's back. She turns around, sweeping her long red hair out of the way and notices that someone's struck her with this month's edition of _Witch Weekly_.

Sirius Black snickers loudly a few seats up from her. Beside him Remus Lupin sits with a lazy smile on his face. He shrugs apologetically at Lily. Peter Pettigrew laughs nervously next to Remus. She's been lucky to avoid them since she's been back, until now.

"Found your boyfriend," Lily informs Mary, annoyed. "And once again, he's being a total pain in the arse."

"Oh, Lily," Emmeline admonishes, shaking her head as Mary gasps in disgrace.

"What the hell, Black?" Lily snips, brandishing the magazine like a weapon.

Sirius cackles and then winks at her and she prepares herself for another well-thought-out jibe. "I just thought you might want to send a photo of yourself to the staff of the magazine, Evans. Summer was good to you, _very_ good. I wouldn't mind hanging your face on my wall at night."

Lily balks, then grimaces, blanching.

"Uh, gross," she scoffs, chucking the magazine at his face. He ducks precisely at the right time and the magazine snaps into Kiera Hawkin's nose. "Oh, Merlin! Sorry, Kiera!"

"Nice arm!" Peter compliments on her aim.

Lily smiles at him, still slightly annoyed but flattered all the same. Meanwhile, Mary is pouting, glaring at Lily with ferocity. She's about to say something snide, Lily imagines, when the student body roars with excitement. She suspects that the Gryffindor team has made their way onto the pitch.

"Where's your egotistical leader?" Lily shouts up at Sirius, not because she's _curious_ or _wants to see him_ or anything but because she doesn't want another magazine incident taking her by surprise.

Sirius juts his head in the direction of the pitch. "Number 17."

She squints and finds a blazing crimson jersey on the field with a beaming white 17 pasted on the back. Directly above it there's a name.

 _Potter._

"He's a Chaser?" she groans, not at all excited about Quidditch being absolutely ruined for her now that that idiot prat was on the team. "Would it be awful of me to root for Ravenclaw?"

Emmeline shakes her flower child head. "You need to be open to change, Lily. Open your mind and your heart."

"Potter's filled out nicely, hasn't he?" coos Mary. "Seriously, have you seen his biceps? I'm sure he's got killer abs, too. All that Quidditch practice he did over the summer has paid off."

Lily loses interest in the game fast. Until, of course, said Chaser gets a rather nasty shove from the Ravenclaw beater and comes barreling into the stands, hands outstretched to brace his fall.

He lands, rather ironically, in her lap, his face pressed against her bosom.

"Uck! Potter, what in Merlin's—"

He shakes his head of untidy black hair and flushes as she kicks him off of her. He lands on the ground with a well deserved grunt and Lily issues a small "hmph!", crossing her arms across her chest.

"Evans, wow. You look good with a tan," he compliments, staring at her as if she's grown three heads all of a sudden.

Lily's left completely speechless, even when Mary begins to gripe about how Lily gets all the attention and really, she's not that good looking, because James Potter had just given her a compliment for the first time ever.

* * *

 ** _(yours are just kicking in)_**

* * *

She'll never forget the first time she is called a 'mudblood'.

Of course, Lily Evans isn't naive. She's heard the slur before in the halls, read about the term in the library, discussed in an after class debate with friends whether it qualifies someone receiving detention for saying it.

No one thinks it's _that_ big of a deal.

Except that Lily thinks it's a rather big fucking deal, thank you very much, _especially_ when she is the one being called a mudblood.

"It's disrespectful and rude and I won't _stand_ for it!" she snarls in her meeting with Professor McGonagall.

"Miss Evans," Professor McGonagall presses for the third time. "Sit _down_."

"I will _not_!" she says, glaring at the boy in the seat next to hers. He's nursing a well deserved bloody nose. She can't _believe_ Severus hangs out with that horrible bastard. "You can't expect me to share the same breathing space with that lousy waste of space!"

"Evans, _sit!_ "

Lily sinks into her seat in front of McGonagall's desk and folds her arms tightly over her chest. She notices Evan Rosier zone in on her breasts and nearly lashes out at him again.

"You both have detention tomorrow evening," the professor announces and Lily blanches.

"You can't send me to detention!" she argues. "I have never been in detention, Professor. I don't _deserve_ —"

"Assaulting another student, whether he called you what he did or not, is never an appropriate course of action and you will face the consequences of your poor choices, _both of you_ ," Professor McGonagall corrects tersely. "Now, get out of my office, Rosier. You can expect me to be meeting with Professor Slughorn about your behavior and I will deducting twenty points from Slytherin. I want to have a word with Miss Evans in private."

Evan Rosier leaves, grumbling. McGonagall turns to Lily, her severe expression softening.

"What on earth possessed you to attack him like that?"

Lily bites her lips, picks at her nails, scuffs her shoe on the stone floor.

"I just snapped," she confesses and for the first time that year, she feels the dam break and it all comes rushing out in a flood of desperate sobs and snotty sniffs. "My parents are getting a divorce. My mum's been committed to a mental hospital and my father's been cheating on her with one of his patients. My sister and I bonded over the summer and she just shut me out after everything and I'm just so _angry_ with all of them that I just don't even know what to do with myself. If I don't stay busy, I just crack."

McGonagall listens patiently as Lily breaks down and shakes her head, taking off her spectacles.

"I'm very sorry to hear about all of that," the professor says genuinely. "It can be very difficult when parents separate. I think it might be healthy for you if you take up a hobby, get your mind off of it, channel those emotions into something productive."

"What would you suggest?" Lily wonders.

"It's too late to try out for Quidditch," muses McGonagall and Lily scrunches up her nose.

"I'm not very athletic," she admits. "Watching is fine, but playing? No way."

"Perhaps you'd like to join the school choir?" suggests McGonagall. "I'm sure Professor Flitwick would love a new addition."

"Eh," Lily says.

"Hm, well, the only other thing I could suggest is talking to one of teachers about becoming a student aide."

This causes Lily to pause, speculate, wonder.

She visits cleans herself up before heading to the dungeons. Runs into Potter and Black on the way down.

"Heard you pummeled Evan Rosier!" Sirius barks in laughter, slapping her appreciatively on the back like they were close mates. "Well done, Evans. Never knew you had it in you!"

James stares at her, smirking. "Is it true, what he called you?"

Lily puffs out her chest, setting her jaw stubbornly on her urge to cry. "Yes, but I don't think he'll be speaking to me for a while."

"Bloody brilliant," laughs Sirius. "Beat up by a hormonal girl."

"What the hell makes you assume I was hormonal?" Lily lashes.

"I just assume, well, because, you know —"

"No, Black, enlighten me."

Sirius backpedals, looking to James. "Prongs, help me out here."

"Well, girls are hormonal, yeah?" James picks up where Sirius leaves off. "I mean, we never know when your time of the month is."

Lily bristles and something about the malicious glint in her eye causes Sirius to take a step back, hiding behind James. "How extremely misogynistic of you, Potter. A woman's time of the month is _natural_ and it in no way had anything to do with my reaction to some wanker calling me a racial slur. You are both so pathetic."

"Hey, that's not — did you just say _wanker_?"

"Shut _up_ , before you both end up like Rosier!"

The two idiots dart off, whispering and laughing about how she _must_ be on her period, simply _has to be_.

"Are you okay?"

Lily spins around to find Severus Snape lurking in the shadows, arms full of potion supplies. It takes only a second before Lily rushes into his arms and the supplies clatter loudly to the floor. She pretends she doesn't hear his heartbeat practically triple in rhythm against her.

"I don't know how you can stand Evan Rosier," she says after he's done consoling her in the way only he seems to be able to.

"He's not all bad," defends Severus, reaching out to brush the hair from her face. "He's the nicer one of my roommates. At least he's not Potter."

Lily rolls her eyes and straightens up, carefully disentangling herself from his long, lanky arms.

"Potter's an arrogant prick with a huge ego but at least he has never called me a mudblood," Lily says and Severus frowns deeply. "Anyway, is Slughorn around?"

"He's in his office, why?" wonders Severus.

"I wanted to see if he has an opening for a student aide," Lily explains, heading over to the office. "Seeing as how it's my favorite class and you are an aide, too. McGonagall claims I need a hobby to keep my mind off my parents splitting up."

Severus kneels to gather the supplies he's dropped and gives her a rare smile, one that makes Lily's stomach squirm. He's grown a bit taller over the summer and he's gotten a much needed haircut while she's been away and Lily doesn't know if she is starting to think he is somewhat attractive or if she is just feeling vulnerable.

Maybe she _is_ hormonal.

* * *

 _ **(silent night, broken night)**_

* * *

Christmas is a quiet affair. Petunia doesn't return home from university, instead deciding to join her new boyfriend and his family in Ireland. Lily visits her mother briefly on Christmas Eve and she seems to be doing better — she's made a few friends, attends group therapy every Friday, and is on a strict regimen of happy pills.

"I don't like taking them," she tells Lily during their visit. "They help, but they make me numb and itchy. It's hard to feel anything while I'm on them. I feel like I'm in a dream sometimes..."

Lily gives her mother an art kit for her present because Emmeline told her art helps one connect with their inner self and heal their damaged energies.

When she returns to her suburban home, she attempts small talk with her father in an empty dining room over a Christmas ham. They exchange presents, watch a Christmas special on television while sipping eggnog, and retire to bed early.

She writes to Emmeline, whose family prefers not to celebrate Christmas because they don't believe in organized holidays or religions, instead enjoying a deeply peaceful spirituality deep-rooted in yoga retreats, peace rallies, and community service.

She writes to Petunia, pleads with her to come home, or at least write back.

She even writes to Mary, who is spending her winter vacation in Belgium, but she keeps her letter short and simple and does not expect anything back.

Both Emmeline and Mary write to Lily, inform her of the raging New Years Eve party James Potter's family is throwing that they've been invited to.

Lily won't admit it stings that she wasn't invited, but then again, why would Potter invite a 'raging hormonal psychopath', as he'd taken to calling her.

Petunia never responds.

"She's still angry," rationalizes Lily's father when he drops her off at the train station at the end of her break. "We just need to give her time."

* * *

 _ **(i want to hold your hand)**_

* * *

Lily's first _actual_ crush — and by actual she means not a celebrity — is Benjy Fenwick.

He's sixteen years old, a full year older than her, and on the Gryffindor Quidditch team. He plays Seeker, has muscles to die for, and perfect golden hair.

Not to mention he's on the honor roll, a prefect, and incredibly gifted at Potions.

Basically, he is perfect in Lily's eyes.

So, naturally, when Lily's birthday arrives on January 30th, she wants nothing more than her first kiss with Benjy Fenwick to be her birthday present.

She has no idea that Mary MacDonald—recently humiliated after being rejected for a kiss over New Years from James Potter— takes a liking to stealing Lily's mermaid green journal from her bedside table drawer every morning when Lily heads to breakfast and reading her secret thoughts, most of which have recently involved her ridiculously giddy feelings over Benjy Fenwick.

She also has no idea when Mary MacDonald takes her diary to breakfast the morning of January 30th and shows the diary entry to Benjy Fenwick — and her birthday wish to be kissed by said heartthrob becomes public knowledge.

She has no idea until James Potter sits next to her and says, "So, you fancy Fenwick, huh?"

Lily nearly chokes on her pumpkin juice.

"No," she stammers.

"Really," James continues, snickering. "Because your diary entries seem to prove otherwise."

"What are you talking about?" Lily scoffs. "Leave me alone, Potter."

"Never pinned you as a diary keeper, Evans," James continues and to her horror, he brandishes Lily's green journal.

"Potter, what the hell?" she demands. "Give that back to me."

By now the news of Lily's crush is everywhere and Benjy Fenwick is laughing and James Potter is reading entries of her diary to the table in a high pitched voice and Lily can't take it, Lily has to leave, Lily has to break something —

Furious, she does the only appropriate thing she can think of and dumps the entire breakfast pitcher of milk over James Potter's untidy hair. He yelps and she takes the opportunity to snatch her diary from his hands.

She promptly whacks him over the head with it several times, harder each time, until James Potter is howling, outraged and panicked, spewing insults at her.

"Hideous— rotten—horrible—little—prick!" she screeches with each blow.

"Bloody—stop—Evans—ow—shove off—mental—psychopathic—clearly on your rag!"

And for a brief second, she truly believes she will strangle him to death, but then she realizes she's crying and everyone is staring at her, laughing at James, laughing at her.

"I hate you," she sobs.

And twenty minutes later, Benjy Fenwick finds her outside with Severus Snape underneath the giant oak tree they meet to study under, screaming and ranting about ' that toe rag Potter'. Despite Severus's noble attempts to be rid of Benjy, including a rather snakelike hiss of "Piss off", Benjy successfully steals Lily away.

"Oh, God, Benjy, I'm so embarrassed," Lily sniffs. "That stupid Potter always trying to ruin everything."

"It wasn't Potter that took your diary," he tells her. "True, he's a prat but he can't get into your dormitory. You should know it was Mary MacDonald."

Lily's mouth falls open.

"She's angry with you because she thinks James Potter fancies you or something," Benjy explains.

"First of all, he doesn't and anyone who thinks there's any chance someone as utterly _stupid_ as him could even comprehend having actual _feelings_ other than adoration of himself is _crazy_ , and secondly, why would she be angry with _me_ for something she _thinks_ Potter feels?"

Benjy laughs nervously. "Well, because he rejected Mary at his party over winter break."

"That still doesn't explain how I'm connected."

"Apparently, Potter told her he had feelings for someone else and when she demanded to know who, Potter told her that he fancied you," Benjy said.

Lily's mouth literally popped open. "I'm sorry, what? Potter doesn't have feelings for me. He antagonizes me."

"Haven't you ever heard that boys often pick on girls they like?" Benjy attempted.

"Maybe grade schoolers," Lily scoffed.

"Anyway," Benjy continued. "I read the diary entry before I realized what it really was and I'm sorry for that. It's never okay to take advantage of someone's privacy like that. She'll have detention for sure."

Lily has no idea what to say to him. Instead, she just smiles.

"Thanks, Benjy."

"No problem, Lily," he says and her heart jumps as she realizes he knows her name.

And despite Severus's steaming glare and the tears still resting on Lily's cheeks, Benjy Fenwick leans down and presses his lips against hers, feather soft and very brief.

"Happy birthday," he whispers afterward and after a quick nod in Severus's direction, heads back up to the castle, leaving Lily swooning and Severus seething.

* * *

 ** _(bitch, i run this show)_**

* * *

Lily does not hesitate severing ties with Mary MacDonald.

She doesn't hesitate confronting her and explaining why she is severing ties with her, either.

She's quick about it and polite and bold as only Lily can be and she leaves Mary in tears, not because she's said anything horrible but because she's the first person to tell Mary's entitled self that she isn't perfect, never will be, and she'll never be happy if she keeps tearing everyone around her down.

Mary's never been talked to that way. Mary always gets her way.

And Lily is done giving Mary her way.

In fact, Lily decides she's just about done with giving anyone their way. She's tired of hearing Mary gossip about Severus and displeased with the cruel nature of Evan Rosier and his group of jerks and aggravated with James Potter bewitching the corridors to appear upside down all the _damn_ time and sick of Sirius Black's growing sexual harassment of the female student body.

And so begins the anti-bullying, rule-abiding, moral high ground streak that Lily Evans will be known for throughout the upcoming years.

She and the Marauders do _not_ get along for the rest of the year because of this.

She remains friends with Emmeline even though Emmeline remains friends with Mary. Lily meets up with Emmeline every Wednesday to receive her horoscope updates in their spot in the Astronomy Tower after dinner and meditate. She connects with Severus under their oak tree to study and enjoys the time they both spend as aides for Professor Slughorn.

And somehow, each Quidditch match, she always ends up sitting in the same vicinity as the Marauders. James Potter has taken an annoying habit of pointedly flying past her section each game and winking at her. He claims it is for 'good luck'. After several games, Remus and Lily eventually strike up conversation when they realize they've both brought the same book to read during the match and realize they have a lot in common.

She writes home to her father often to make sure he's doing okay being alone. She's pleased to hear that Petunia has returned home, deciding to continue her university education while living at home to be with her family and save money. She visits their mother often and is slowly warming back up to their father.

Though, Lily's father is a bit concerned over Petunia—maybe it's the stress or school or she's been fighting with her boyfriend?—she seems to have lost a great deal of weight and never seems to have an appetite. Lily assures him it's normal for her stage in life—Petunia is always fine, even when she isn't.

Lily's growing more confident, she's excelling, and she's loving life.

Until she arrives home for summer vacation and realizes her life will never be the same.

* * *

 _End of I: 1974-1975_

* * *

Please read and review! I would love to know your thoughts!


	2. Chapter 2

**If I Die Young**

* * *

 **Disclaimer:** I own absolutely nothing from the Harry Potter universe. This fanfiction is written purely for entertainment purposes and nothing more, though all ideas and writing are done by me and belong to me.

 **A/N:** Thank you to everyone who read the first chapter and reviewed to tell me what they thought. I got a lot of people telling me they weren't sure how they felt about it, hahah. You aren't alone. Even my husband was like "I don't know, I've only ever read Destiny and Serendipity and it's very different from that. I also don't know the characters well because JKR never gives us a ton to go off of in the book series." He is waiting to read more chapters before he can form an opinion fully. Also, I'm sorry if the last chapter seemed a bit depressing, but I wanted it to be different. So many times I see fan fictions about James and Lily being so ridiculously happy and Lily is simply perfect and has no problems, but I never have seen her that way and I hate Mary Sue's. I want to explore human beings and I know we haven't gotten a good look at who they really are yet, but at 14-15 years old (which was her age in the previous chapter), we are still developing and figuring things out.

To those of you who wondered if this is going to be a James/Lily fic, YES! It is. Romance is sure to come, but first other things have to happen. And yes, you will see a lot more of the Marauders in upcoming chapters, I promise.

Enjoy!

.-Annie

* * *

 **II**

 _1975-1976_

 _Part One_

* * *

 _Sounds of laughter, shades of life_  
 _Are ringing through my opened ears_  
 _Inciting and inviting me._  
 _Limitless undying love, which_  
 _Shines around me like a million suns,_  
 _It calls me on and on across the universe_

 _-The Beatles_

* * *

 ** _(Cry, little sister, thou shall not fall)_**

* * *

Lily struggles to understand, racks her brain for an explanation, resists the urge to find relief in gnawing her fingernails—she's managed to hang that habit quite impressively during the last four months away at school.

She turns to her father seated opposite her in their small living room. Peter Evans looks like he's been toppled over by a train— his normally tidy red hair is sticking up in the back, there's a three day stubble inching up his jawline, his eyes are bloodshot, searching his third cup of coffee for the words he can't come up with.

"She wasn't even going to say goodbye?" Lily exhales weakly, shaking her head. "I—I don't understand—how could she?— _why_ would she?—"

"She doesn't _care_ , does she?" Petunia cuts her off from the entryway.

She startles Lily as she drops her car keys into the ceramic bowl on the end table and sets her purse down in an armchair. Her sister looks thinner than she remembers her to be, her blonde hair carefully primped and her nails appropriately filed. For one moment, Lily thinks her mother has returned home to explain her actions but it's only Petunia returning from her friend's house.

"Petunia," Lily greets with an unsure smile. "It's good to see you."

Petunia pointedly ignores her and their father sighs heavily from across the room.

"Petunia, your sister _just_ arrived home for the summer this _morning_. The least you can do is tell her 'hello'," he says.

" _Hello_ ," Petunia choruses, rolling her eyes. "I see Dad's filling you in on the Mum drama."

"She really tried to—?"

"Kill herself?" Petunia offers in a clipped tone when Lily can't finish her sentence.

Lily nods, feeling something catch in her throat.

"She stopped taking her happy pills after you visited her over Christmas, apparently," Petunia affirms. "She's been hiding them in her mattress, convinced she would be better without them. She couldn't handle it, though, and she tried to overdose. Luckily a nurse found her before any real damage was done, but now she's not allowed visitors and she's in a nicely padded cell in Suicide Hall."

"So, what, I can't even go _see_ my own mother?"

Lily's father sighs again, knocking back the rest of his coffee. He stands.

"I'm going to get another. Lily, Petunia, would either of you like some?"

Lily shakes her head.

"I've sworn off caffeine, remember?" Petunia reminds him dismissively.

Lily's father disappears through the swinging door into the kitchen.

"He looks awful," Lily remarks. "Has he been able to sleep at all?"

"What do you think?" Petunia scoffs.

And suddenly Lily can't take it anymore, not after she's gone to extremes to throw out the negativity in her life at Hogwarts and she's gotten rid of Mary MacDonald, she's taken to ignoring James Potter very easily, and Emmeline has recently introduced her to the powers of ujjayi breaths, and she's been _fine_. She's been _good_ and _happy_ , finally.

But Lily's is sick of biting her tongue and sitting on the sidelines, assuming Petunia's attitude will go away on its own and she just needs time. She's tired of her world being flipped over upside down like an angry drunk uprooting a sturdy table in a rage-filled tantrum and all the dishes go flying and there's fragments of glass in the pasta salad and its cutting and chafing her throat and she's choking on her blood—

"How can you be so horrible, _all_ the time?" Lily demands hotly. "I understand you don't like me and you are unhappy with Dad trying to move on, but doesn't it get tiring being miserable _all_ the time?"

Petunia blinks. Lily simmers, feels sweat pooling on her neck and the blood rushing to her cheeks.

"Dad's given up," Petunia snarls. "And what would you know? You are never here. When's the last time you went to see Mum? _I've_ gone to see her every week since she got sick."

Lily sets her jaw stubbornly.

"He's doing the best he can," Lily defends, feeling her fingers tighten into a fist as Petunia laughs. "And Mum has been sick long before she was hospitalized. Who had to pry the vodka from her hands on the nights Dad didn't come home because he was working late and _you_ were out with friends? Who had to strip her naked and shove her in the shower after she puked all over herself?"

Petunia bites hard into her lip.

" _Who_ had to tuck her into bed like a little child and listen to her sob about how much she hates herself and her life and how she just wanted it to all go away?" Lily continues, her skin prickly. "Not _you_. So, I'm sorry if I'm trying to be happy and I have to go to school and be successful and I don't always want to see the mother who has hardly been a mother for two bloody years!"

 _Breathe,_ Lily reminds herself silently. _Inhale, exhale. Calm._

"Yeah, avoiding her except for one major holiday. No letters, nothing. And _now_ you want to see her after you find out she almost _died_. I blame you and Dad."

Lily feels something break in her chest, feels a stab in her stomach.

"You know what?" Petunia sneers. "I'm done with you, with this whole bloody family. Mum's a suicidal lunatic, Dad's a depressing liar, and you are a pathetic _freak_. I'm better off without any of you."

"Then leave!" Lily screeches, stepping forward and shoving her sister harshly.

Hot, angry tears blur her vision. Petunia staggers back, looking genuinely afraid.

"He doesn't need your selfish, rotten negativity around him right now!" Lily flares, shoving Petunia again. "You are a horrible, wretched person to say such awful things about a family that loves and cares about you."

"What do you know?" Petunia hisses, bottom lip trembling. "The freak's developed a backbone."

"Oh, grow up already," Lily bites out. "I've had enough of you and your pity party."

"I can't stay here," Petunia lets out in a petulant puff. "I don't have to take this. I can't stand the idea of living under the same roof as you for even one more night."

Lily flinches, deeply offended. A memory bitchslaps her roughly, and then another and another—Petunia braiding Lily's long crimson hair, the two of them hula-hooping in the kitchen while their mother claps exuberantly in the background, the two sisters and their happy parents putting rainbow food dye in the cake batter and getting into a frosting fight.

"I'm leaving," Petunia spits, snatching up her purse and keys and heading to the stairs.

"No one's stopping you," snaps Lily, shrugging.

Petunia stomps up the stairs and Lily can hear her slamming drawers and throwing things about.

"What in the devil?"

Lily turns about, sees her tired father in the kitchen doorway, and feels a pang of fiery hot guilt when she realizes he will be all alone when she goes back to Hogwarts in September.

"Just where do you think you are going, young lady?" he demands as Petunia tears down the stairs, two suitcases thunking behind her and her backpack strewn across her shoulder.

"I'm staying with Cynthia," Petunia responds icily.

Lily's father is too tired to argue. Instead he turns to Lily, pleading. He's disappointed in her.

"Petunia, stop," Lily says, moving in front of her. "Please, I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said."

"Get out of my way."

"Tuney, don't leave," Lily attempts, blocking the door. "We can work through this. Every family has their issues but it shouldn't tear us apart."

" _Move_!" screams Petunia and lurches forward.

Alarmed that she's about to hit her, Lily scrambles out of the way just as Petunia locks her fingers around the doorknob and swings the front door open.

"Tuney!" Lily calls after her in shock. " _Petunia!_ "

Frustrated, Lily slams the door. She hears the cherry blossom wreath on the front door crash to the porch followed by Petunia's car engine turning over and her tires squealing as she peels out of the parking lot.

 _Inhale, exhale, inhale_ —

Lily takes the stairs two at a time and throws her bedroom door shut.

* * *

 _ **(getting harder and harder to breathe)**_

* * *

Emmeline convinces Lily to join her and her family on a week long yoga retreat in mid-July in the woods.

"It's just the cleanse you need after what happened with your mum and sister," she assures her.

Emmeline's mother, Cassiopea "Shining Opal" Vance, takes a liking to calling Lily "Emerald Flower", forces her to sing over campfire, and when she finds out about Lily's mother she implants herself in Lily's bubble with a shower of matronly kisses and fierce hugs to ensure Lily feels maternal love. Lily spends most of her days at the retreat bathing quickly and discreetly with a commune in the nearby lake with organic, homemade lavender soap, stringing mala beads together while listening to spiritual drum sessions, and letting Emmeline fashion a headband of wildflowers throughout her hair to help her be _closer_ to nature.

It turns out that bees really love wildflowers and Lily really, _really_ hates bees, so being closer to nature just isn't working well. Not to mention with the hours upon hours of yoga practice, reiki sessions, and serious meditation, Lily grows exceptionally stir-crazy.

It's a hot, sticky afternoon when Lily decides she is desperate and bored and _done_ with this bloody vacation. She feigns an upset stomach—which Emmeline assumes is due to the abnormal amounts of intense negative energy she's released during their morning reiki session—and retreats back to her tent in the woods with a thermos of lovingly homemade rose milk and honey to calm and balance her colon.

She fidgets, downs the thermos, throws it aside, waits.

Waits.

...waits some more.

* * *

 _ **(girls just want to have fun)**_

* * *

She emerges from a twitchy power nap an hour later and hears an inviting, familiar sound in the distance, vibrating through the trees, beckoning her on an adventure.

Her curiosity spiked, Lily hikes her way toward the sound and finds herself in a large field. There are hundreds of people surrounding a large stage where a group of bands are situated, singing and dancing with their hands high in the air, sweaty and free and beautiful. A banner that says, "Music & Art Festival" is slung over a slew of makeshift huts selling art pieces and records.

Lily smiles and her eyelids flutter closed. The grass tickles her bare legs as she slips onto the sloping hill that overlooks the festival and pulls her knees to her chest.

"It's much better when the Beatles actually sing it, don't you think?"

Lily jumps and her eyes fall on the girl sitting a foot away in the tall grass, surrounded by dandelions. She's got coffee colored skin and eyes like pure cocoa and a small afro of wild corkscrew ebony hair that she's got pushed back with a decorative blue bandana. Lily recognizes her from school almost immediately.

"I definitely love the Beatles, except they remind me of a group of boys at school," Lily agrees and the girl winks at her, scooting closer.

"You talking about Black and his groupies? They'd certainly be less annoying if they formed a band and made decent music."

"I don't know about that," Lily chuckles. "It's Meadow, right?"

"Close. Dorcas, actually," the girl corrects, extending a soft brown sugar hand. "Dorcas Meadowes, but my friends call me Dor."

"Nice to meet you, Dor," Lily says with an easy smile, shaking the girl's hand confidently. "I feel like we _have_ to be best friends now—I've yet to find anyone other than myself and now you who thinks those goofballs are annoying. You're in Ravenclaw, right?"

"Correct," Dorcas laughs in surprise. "You're observant."

Lily shrugs and she likes the way she doesn't have to hide who she is around Dorcas. "I feel like the best way to learn is to observe sometimes."

Dorcas passes her a red plastic cup. Something cool and cherry red sloshes around inside of it.

"Don't worry, it's just fruit punch," Dorcas chuckles at Lily's furrowed brow. She watches Lily exhale with relief and take a small, polite sip. "So, what brings a girl like you to a place like this?"

Lily gazes around her at the wild head-banging crowd and then glances down at her outfit—a short yellow sleeveless sundress with floral print and strappy sandals, not to mention the bouquet of flowers sitting atop of wild, golden-crimson mess of hair and the flushed, ruddy color on her face from her sunburn. She realizes she looks ridiculous and rather homeless and begins to laugh hysterically.

"Cheers to whatever you're on," Dorcas comments good-naturedly as Lily passes back the fizzy punch.

"My friend and her family invited me to their summer yoga retreat in the woods and I've spent the week howling at the moon and bathing with people who are way too comfortable being naked around strangers," Lily explains while laughing.

"Not exactly your everyday scene?" Dorcas assumes.

"I don't even know if I _have_ a scene," Lily shares truthfully, staring up at the puffy clouds dancing across the sky.

"You'll figure it out," Dorcas assures her, grabbing Lily's small peach and cream hand in hers. "This is my scene—music and art. I've been selling my paintings all day and doing face painting."

Lily loves the way their skin is so contrastingly different—Dorcas's hands are covered in charcoal and her arms are smudged in clay-like blues and striking henna reds and she's got a bright neon green butterfly tattooed on the inside of her wrist. She watches in fascination as Dorcas takes out a paintbrush from her satchel and dips the tip into a small soda can of paint.

"So what's your name, flower child?" she asks and Lily sticks her tongue out at the girl.

"Lily Evans," she replies and then rolls her eyes and unbuttons the top of her sundress to reveal the half-strung mala beads resting around her neck, "but my friend's mother calls me Emerald Flower, you know, because I have green eyes and I'm named after a flower."

Dorcas nearly topples over her paint can as she rolls in the grass in laughter. Lily likes her laugh—it's easy and free and genuine, deep and throaty with occasional snorts. It causes Lily to begin hysterically laughing and this is where her habit of snorting when she laughs too hard begins.

"As unique as that name is, I think I'll give you a different one," Dorcas snorts, pulls out a rather ridiculously large sunflower from Lily's crown of wildflowers and begins to paint a blood orange and yellow sunflower onto Lily's bicep. "I think your name should be 'Sunflower' and mine will be 'Orchid'."

"Not Emerald Sunflower?" Lily gasps with heavy sarcasm and she enjoys the smirk that plays across Dorcas's orange-pink pouty lips.

"Nah, your eyes speak for themselves," Dorcas explains when she's finished painting and blows on Lily's skin. It raises goosebumps on Lily's flesh. "No need to draw more attention to them than they already get. That would be overkill and I _hate_ redundancy."

"I didn't know that eyes could speak," Lily remarks, taking another swig of fruit punch, this time less polite and more comfortable. It's sour and tangy and sticks heavily to her tongue as she swallows it down. There's a bitter aftertaste that makes her cringe.

She feels a sudden buzz dancing around her brain and her body is warm and light.

"Quite a lot, actually," Dorcas says and stares deeply into Lily's eyes. Lily does the same, notices little flecks of gold swimming in Dorcas's pool of rich chestnut. She sees a mischievous glint to the girl's eye, doesn't know quite what to think. "Like yours right now are telling me you just figured out I spiked the punch."

Lily's eyes widen and she barks out a laugh. "Is that why I feel so funny?"

"Don't drink much?"

Lily shakes her head, bites her lip. "I never thought I would. It never looked pleasant when my mother was throwing up a week's worth of dinner because of it."

Dorcas gags. "She must have been hitting the good stuff, then."

Lily cocks her head to the side. "Then what is this stuff?"

"The weak kind," Dorcas announces, taking out a flask from her bag and dumping some more into her punch. "The kind that makes you forget the world for a bit but won't come back to bite you in the arse."

"Forget," Lily repeats, lets the word sit on her tongue, and then in an act of utter rebellion, washes it down with more punch. "Sometimes, I'd like to forget."

"Cheers," Dorcas agrees and the two sway back and forth leisurely on the hill as the music pounds in the background.

* * *

 _ **(tasting much sweeter than wine)**_

* * *

Dorcas and Lily bond over their equal hatred of misogyny and their fierce love of sour apple candies and John Lennon and Paul McCartney and how if they ever become dateable Lily demands Paul and Dorcas insists on John, but only for casual conversation because she's more into Yoko Ono, personally.

As the sun is setting, Lily sits up lazily and yawns. "I should head back to my friend."

"Mm, you're probably right," Dorcas hums and then scrawls her number onto the snowy white back of an 8 x 10 canvas she's painted a deep violet orchid on, to 'remember her by'. "Call me sometime, Sunflower, and we'll figure out your scene."

Then, she reaches over to the happily sated and buzzed Lily and tucks a strand of gold-red hair behind Lily's ear. And Lily sees something in Dorcas's eyes, the way the gold flecks seem to dance and glint in the Indian Paintbrush sunset. She's almost _not_ taken completely off guard when Dorcas presses her orange-pink lips to Lily's, gently grips her face, and dances her tongue along Lily's when she opens her mouth to gasp in surprise.

It's Lily's second kiss to total and her first kiss with another female. Dorcas is an expert kisser and tastes like tangy fruit punch and raspberry bubblegum.

When Dorcas pulls away, Lily is bright read and erupts into nervous giggles. Dorcas grins a cheshire cat grin and shakes her head.

"Not your scene?" Dorcas prods understandingly and Lily laughs loudly, feels her ears go hot.

"Not at all," Lily replies. "But we will find something else that is."

"Deal," Dorcas agrees and they part ways with a long, laughter-filled hug.

* * *

 _ **(and i don't want the world to see me)**_

* * *

"You're different," Severus notes the second week of August.

They are lounging under a willow tree at the park where they first met. The swings creak back and forth in the hot insistent wind. Lily lies flat on her stomach, her ankles crisscrossed and jiggling.

"Hmm?"

"I said that you're different," he repeats, sounding vaguely upset.

Lily looks up at his tone, notices the frown dragging down his thin lips, and huffs at the strands of hair that have fallen loose from her ponytail.

" _I'm_ different? How?"

He ponders quietly, scrutinizing her.

"You're just more relaxed," he finally says.

She balks at him and then breaks into a grin. She sees his lips twitch, knows he can never resist brooding when she beams at him like that. She sits up, sits Indian style, stares at him intently, amusement tugging at her lips.

"And that's a bad thing?" she giggles and then reaches across to slug him playfully on the arm. "Come on, Sev, I'm happy."

He smiles slightly. "Not a bad thing, just an observation."

"Two observers, us," Lily remarks, remembering what Dorcas had said during the music and art festival they'd met at in July.

"You've changed your hair," Severus continues, squinting.

Lily's hand jumps to her sleek hair.

"Just a few layers," Lily says. "And I've been using this really wonderful hair product called Sleekeazy. It's done wonders on my split ends."

"And you've gotten bangs," Severus points out and Lily smiles.

"Since when do you pay such close attention to me, Sev?"

"I—I always pay attention," Severus stutters and a rosy tint erupts over his sallow pale cheeks.

Lily grins again. She loves making him fidget.

"So, you like it, then?" Lily wonders and when he crinkles his nose she adds, "My hair?"

"Oh, yes," he tells her and then scratches an itch on his hand, eyes downcast. "I prefer it when it was shorter, though."

" _What_?" Lily laughs, mockingly offended. "I love my long hair!"

Severus is quick to console her. "Your hair is fine, I just thought it shaped your face a bit better when it was to your shoulders."

Lily doesn't know what to say. She stares at Severus hard. He stares back. She notices something in his dark eyes she's never noticed before—she's been paying more attention to these types of things since Dorcas pointed them out—and what she sees makes her squirm. It's something she's been trying to persuade herself isn't there in the back of their minds when they embrace hello or goodbye or sit a little too close or stare at each other a little too long.

And Severus's eyes are full of it lately. The intensity builds around them and she becomes twitchy.

"I'm flattered," Lily finally says, releasing an uncomfortable chuckle and scooting away. She flashes him her copy of _Standard Book of Spells: Grade 5_. "Have you read chapter fifteen yet?"

Severus nods, eyebrows knitting together as if confused by her sudden change of behavior. Truth is, she just doesn't know how to respond when he gets all intense like that anymore.

"Of course I have."

Lily drops the book in her bag and yawns, stretches her arms high above her head, notices how Severus's dark eyes snap to the exposed skin of her stomach as her peasant top drifts upward, hastily rips the fabric back down.

"Er—how's Petunia?" he croaks out, a rosy color arriving on his cheeks again, like warmed dead flesh.

"You want to talk about my sister—right now?" Lily questions incredulously. Severus remains silent. "Um, fine, I think. I haven't heard anything from her since she threw a temper tantrum and ran off to _Cynthia's_."

Severus clicks his tongue in displeasure. "She's always been immature, Lily. I say good riddance."

"That's not fair," she argues and sighs. "I shouldn't have said that about her. I said some pretty awful things to her, also."

Severus shakes his head and Lily knows he doesn't agree. He will always take her side when it comes to Petunia, even if Lily is in the wrong and she knows it. It is one of the things she's always loved and hated about him—the intense belief that she's so completely perfect.

Sometimes, she lets herself believe it and it seems to please him, but she knows that she's never been perfect and never will be.

She's very much flawed and sometimes she wishes he would see that about her, too.

"And your dad?"

Lily snaps out of her thoughts and shrugs. "Dad's okay. He took the news about my mum pretty hard but I think, if we give him enough time, he'll begin to move on."

"He's lucky he's got you," Severus states.

"Nah," Lily says with a smile. "I'm a rotten cook and I hate sorting the laundry. I feel sorry for the poor sop that ends up my husband—I'll be a horrible housewife."

Severus releases a sharp laugh that surprises Lily.

"What is it you want to do, anyway? Professionally, I mean."

Lily muses.

"No clue," she states honestly. "Thought about being a healer at one point but I can't stand the idea of someone depending on me like that, you know, with their life on the line."

"I think you'd be a good teacher," Severus says.

"Yeah?" Lily presses. "Which subject should I teach?"

"Charms," he answers without hesitation. "You're really talented."

"Oh, I don't know. I'm pretty talented with Potions, too," Lily teases and Severus shoves her playfully. "Nah, I'm only joking. I wouldn't dream of stealing your teaching spotlight."

"I don't want to be a teacher," Severus laughs, rolling his eyes. "I mean, I've thought of it but I think I want to be a Potion-Brewer."

Lily crinkles her nose. "Sev, there's nothing wrong with teaching. I happen to think you'd be a fabulous teacher. You have this way of making things make sense—I think you could inspire a lot of students."

Severus never takes compliments well, doesn't know what to do with them, doesn't believe he deserves them. Lily thinks this is because of his home life. It breaks her heart but nothing she does changes his mind.

* * *

 ** _(so take off all your clothes)_**

* * *

Lily's father goes out of town to visit Lily's grandmother the weekend before the first of September. He kisses her cheek in Dorcas's driveway, promises to write, and drives off to the train station. Several hours later, over dinner, Ambrosia Meadowes finds an owl in the den with a letter addressed to Lily.

"I think you're going to like what's in that letter, little one," Dorcas's mother says, affectionately ruffling Lily's hair.

A tiny badge falls out of the envelope and Lily squeals. "I'm a prefect!"

They celebrate Lily's educational promotion and Dorcas's sixteenth birthday that evening over chocolate truffle cake and strawberry ice cream.

It's while she's getting ready for bed on the eve of September that Lily notices something strange. She's in the process of removing her shirt and pants when she spots a boy in the house neighboring Dorcas's gawking at her through the window.

A boy with very untidy black hair and a distinctively cheeky, crooked grin.

"Potter!" she cries and rips the curtains closed.

"Oops," Dorcas chuckles, appearing in the doorway draped in a bright orange towel, toothbrush jutting out of her mouth. "That's my bad, Sunflower...did I mention I live next door to James Potter?"

"Dor, he just saw me half _naked_!" protests Lily, outraged, flustered.

"Hope you gave him a good show, then," Dorcas says simply, winking saucily at her and Lily glares at her friend, covering her chest. "Just be glad it was only one of them—Sirius Black just moved in with the Potter's. Really, it could be worse—they both could have seen you."

Lily screams into her pillow.

* * *

 ** _(t_ _orture, torture, twisted love_ _)_**

* * *

Her first night back in Hogwarts castle is marvelous. She dines greedily on garlic potatoes and smoked ham and peppered broccoli.

"Bloody hell, Evans," Sirius Black comments, his roll halfway to his mouth. "Where's the fire?"

"Shut up," she grunts and the sound is comically muffled.

"Manners, Evans," says James, slipping comfortably into his spot between Remus and Sirius. "It's not polite to speak with your mouth full."

"And chewing and swallowing can sometimes be helpful," adds Sirius and the two boys high five each other as if they are the funniest people on earth.

Lily swallows hugely, downs an entire glass of pumpkin juice. James stares at her impressively.

"Starved, were you?"

"Why are you always everywhere I am?" Lily gripes.

"Because you secretly want me with every fiber of your being," James says suggestively.

"First of all, gross, and second of all, did you get glasses?"

James's hand darts to his face and he clears his throat, quickly recovering. "So, what? It only makes me more handsome."

Lily's stomach flip-flops.

"Seriously, do you _live_ to torture me with your presence, Potter?"

"Please," James scoffs, wriggling his eyebrows up and down, "the only torture you are receiving by being in my presence is _pleasurable_ torture."

Lily looks on in disgust.

"Get over yourself," she says and looks to Remus for help. "You're well-behaved enough to be a prefect with me—can't you manage to put them in their place every now and again?"

"Hah, Remus put us in our place?" Sirius barks as if Lily's said the most hilarious thing in the world. "If he did that he wouldn't have any fun. His nose would never leave his books."

Remus rolls his eyes, chuckling. Lily doesn't get it, not one bit. She gets along just fine with Remus, enjoys his company when it is just the two of them. How can he stand two daft idiots like James Potter and Sirius Black?

"There's nothing wrong with reading, Black," Lily tells him. "You'd do well to prop open a book every now and again."

Sirius claps a hand to his heart, feigning hurt.

"I read plenty, Evans," Sirius moans.

"He just doesn't have a stick up his arse like you do," James adds.

Lily's eyes narrow at Remus. "Seriously, what is it with you and these two? Peter's harmless, kind even, but those goons?"

Remus smiles at Lily, reaches across the table, pats her hand sympathetically.

"I know, I know," he assures her. "I'm barking mad. But they keep me young. Don't worry, they'll grow on you."

"Perhaps like a cancer," Lily mumbles.

"Better get used to it, Lily Flower," Sirius says. "We tend to hang round old Remus here a lot. You'll be seeing loads more of us."

Lily's lips curl at her newly acquired nicknames. She lets her fork clatter to her plate, stands.

"Where are you going?" Peter wonders and Lily notices him, really notices him, for the first time that evening.

She gives him a kind smile and says sweetly, "To visit with Dorcas."

"Why is she always so nice to you?" James wonders toward the smaller boy.

"But you just got here," Peter protests, ignoring James and staring hopefully at Lily.

"I've lost my appetite," she says over her shoulder.

She notices James's hazel eyes follow the swaying of her hips.

"Perhaps it's from all the food you've shoved down your gullet!" Sirius calls after her.

She flips him the bird and settles in next to Dorcas, banging her head against her shoulder repeatedly.

"This year is going to be the death of me, isn't it?" she whines.

Dorcas pats her on the head and nods.

Well, at least she's honest, right?

* * *

 _End of II: 1975-1976_

 _Part One_

* * *

As always, I live only for your feedback, so please leave me a review down below. 1975-1976 Part Two is coming soon, so stay tuned.


	3. Chapter 3

**If I Die Young**

* * *

 **Disclaimer:** I own absolutely nothing from the Harry Potter universe. This fanfiction is written purely for entertainment purposes and nothing more, though all ideas and writing are done by me and belong to me.

 **A/N:** Ok, so here's the deal - This chapter was originally supposed to be much longer and there were only going to be two parts to 5th year. BUT it is on DRUGS apparently because it won't let me update my chapter past a certain point or save any changes and I'm literally SO pissed off I could scream.

So, I'm going to try clipping it and separating 5th year into three parts and see if that cures the problem. If not, please understand my lack of updating. I don't know the issue but I'm super afraid to keep writing on here if this keeps happening.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed! Kisses to all of you.

Enjoy!

—Annie

* * *

 **III**

 _1975-1976_

 _Part Two_

* * *

 _Cellophane flowers of yellow and green_  
 _Towering over your head_  
 _Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes_  
 _And she's gone_

 _—The Beatles_

* * *

 ** _(the world is her stage)_**

* * *

Hestia Jones is the new gossip.

She's the newest Keeper on the Gryffindor Quidditch team and suddenly no one cares that she's giving Lily a run for her money in their Advanced Transfiguration class or that she _never_ paints her nails or that she has basically been irrelevant until their first match of the season.

No, suddenly all Mary MacDonald cares about and can seem to prattle on about anymore is whether Hestia's glowing olive skin is natural or sprayed on, whether her eyes are really a dark shade of violet or if she's cast a beauty spell on them, and whether or not Hestia is interested in Sirius Black.

"And you're, like, Greek and stuff, right?" Sirius wonders, setting his chin on his palm and batting his ridiculously long, dark lashes at the poor girl.

Mary steams from several seats down, raking her hands through her almond brown hair.

"Half Greek, actually," Hestia corrects, chuckling. "On my mother's side."

"Fascinating," Sirius continues, leaning forward across the breakfast table. "Tell me _more_."

The way he drawls out 'more', like it's suddenly become extremely sexual, makes Lily's stomach hiccup. She doesn't even realize she's grimacing until Remus slips into the seat next to hers and says, "You look like you've just eaten a prune."

"I _feel_ like I've just eaten a prune," she tells him.

"Padfoot, stop trying to seduce my best player," James jokes, slapping his friend roughly on the back.

Lily sees the way Hestia's violet eyes twinkle as she greets James, the way she laughs so easily and loudly and _beautifully_ at his jokes, ruffles his hair affectionately like they are the best of friends, and something tugs uncomfortably in Lily's abdomen.

"You okay?" Remus wonders.

Lily swallows.

"I don't think my meal is sitting with me," Lily says and Remus's eyebrows knit together.

"You haven't even eaten yet," Remus notes and Lily clears her throat.

She ignores him, standing to her feet and grabbing her school bag.

"I'll see you in Charms, yeah?"

For the third time that morning, she wonders what the hype is all about.

* * *

 _ **(the hands of a demented circus clown)**_

* * *

She wakes up late on the morning of Halloween with a sense of foreboding. She's tardy to her morning Charms lesson and instead of partnering up with Remus as she usually does, she takes a seat near the back and is forced to train with Killian Mucliber.

He's brutish and vulgar in language and has dark hair that hangs down to his stocky shoulders and piercing, _startlingly_ attractive blue eyes. He stares at her as if she's a bunny rabbit and he's a venomous viper, waiting to plunge his ridiculously sharp incisors into her snowy white neck.

Lily thinks he could potentially be attractive, if he didn't seem so serial-killer-esque. She ignores him for the most part, head bent down over her textbook and hair hiding her face.

"Didn't know Severus had such pretty little pets," Mucliber whispers, his breath hot in her ear. "Think he'll share you with me?"

He nips at her earlobe sharply and Lily jolts, fingers jumping to her ear. When she brings her fingers down she notices a trickle of blood.

"What the _fuck_?" she yelps, gaining the attention of several students including Remus.

Remus looks perplexed as he watches Lily's facial expressions change as Mucliber's fingers graze her kneecap, slide up under her skirt.

Lily stiffens.

"Don't _touch_ me," Lily snarls, shoves him away from her forcefully.

"Miss Evans?" calls Professor Flitwick, concerned.

She feigns cramps and exits Flitwick's classroom at high speed before the tiny professor can protest. She paces, waiting for Severus outside of his Ancient Runes classroom, corners him immediately.

"You're friends with _Mucliber_?" she demands, her voice close to hysteria.

He eyes her tiredly.

"Lily, not this _again_ ," Severus pleads, frustrated. "Can we please not do this today?"

"Severus," she insists, grabbing his harm in desperation. "Please listen, he can't be your friend—"

"Since when do you tell me who I can and can't be friends with?" Severus scoffs, frowning at her.

More students are piling out of the classroom, noticing Lily's panicked movements.

"He's horrible!" Lily cries.

"Look, I'm not fond of your new friendship with that Lupin character or even Dorcas Meadowes," Severus rebuttals. "But I'm not constantly coming to you and telling you how much I think that strange girl is a bad influence on you and how much you've _changed_ since you met her. And what you see in that Lupin fool, I'll never understand—"

"Severus, he _touched_ —"

Severus furrows his brow, his eyes widen briefly, and then something catches his attention from behind Lily. When she turns she notices Orpheus Wilkes and Britton Avery trailing over to them.

"Snape, who's your little friend?" they inquire, sneering down at Lily's Gryffindor tie.

"Not your business," Lily snaps. "Leave us alone."

"No can do, I'm afraid," says Avery, smirking. "Sev here is helping us plan our Slytherin Halloween party, isn't that right, Sev?"

Severus glances between the two boys and Lily catches something in his black eyes, something dark and rich and greedy.

"Sorry, Lil," Severus says to her as Wilkes loops an arm through Severus's and begins to pull him away. "You understand, right? We'll talk later."

"Yeah," she says hollowly, watching him leave. "I understand."

She's numb.

* * *

 ** _(forgotten how i used to be)_**

* * *

"He said that about me?" Dorcas caws. "I can't even believe that slimy little git."

" _Dor_ ," admonishes Lily.

"No, I'm sorry," Dorcas snaps, folding her arms. "I won't let you keep making excuses for him, Lily. You know how I feel about him. I think you should just be done with him."

"Just cast him off?" Lily scoffs. "Dorcas, he's—"

"I get that you two have been best friends since childhood and all that," Dorcas interrupts, "but I think you two are just too different. And if he's hanging round those psychopaths, he's only going to be trouble."

Lily frowns. Part of her knows Dorcas is right, the other part wishes things were different. She can see Severus changing, leaving her behind.

"He's only going to hurt you," Dorcas tells her. "Honestly, I don't see what you see in him."

Lily's starting to ask herself the same question.

* * *

 ** _(roses are red)_**

* * *

Lily is asked out on her very first date to Hogsmeade by Davey Gudgeon—bronze haired, blue-eyed, and chiseled. He's a sixth year Ravenclaw that both Emmeline and Dorcas approve of and has apparently been working up the courage to ask her out since he first met her on the train their first day back to Hogwarts.

"He's dreamy," Hestia comments cheerfully while applying the last of Lily's hair product to her long curls. "There, you're good to go, girl. Is he picking you up here or are you meeting him at the Three Broomsticks?"

"Thanks," Lily returns, twisting the cap to her hair product back on. "He's picking me up, actually."

Mary MacDonald rolls her eyes.

"Sleekeazy's hair product, eh?" comes a familiar and unwelcome voice from directly behind her. "Good choice, Evans."

Lily narrows in on him. "Hair guru now, Potter?"

"I know a thing or two," James says, puffing out his chest and smirking in the most infuriating way.

"Not by much, I'd say, by the state of that mop on your head," Lily insults.

Self-consciously, James ruffles his hair. "My dad happens to be the _inventor_ of Sleekeazy, Evans."

Lily swallows the bitterness that's erupted up her throat and tosses the bottle at Hestia, who chuckles and rolls her eyes, knowing full well that Lily fully intends to use her favorite hair product again. "Well, if that's the case, I don't want anything to do with it."

" _I_ happen to _love_ Sleekeazy, James," Mary butts in, batting her eyelashes.

James gives Mary a ghost of a smile and returns his attention to Lily, his hazel eyes roaming up and down her body openly, from her black booties to her transparent black lace stockings to her jade green sweater dress with a swooping neckline. She notices the way he gazes a second too long at the exposed flesh of her cleavage.

"Hot date, Evans?" he finally asks, back to his normal haughty self.

She quite enjoys the look of slightly offended shock when she answers, "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do and here he is now," and prances out of the portrait hole, arm and arm with Davey.

* * *

 ** _(the last to know)_**

* * *

Lily's father picks her up from the train station, looking significantly better than she'd left him looking in September.

"What's different about you?" he wonders, sweeping her into a fierce hug. She smiles coyly, shrugging, and files into the car.

"You've got a boyfriend, don't you?" he finally guesses as they pull into the driveway of their simple country home.

"Oh, Dad," Lily chuckles, waving him off.

"You _do_ , don't you?" he accuses, poking her in the ribs.

"Okay, fine, _yes_ ," Lily finally gives in, blushing. "I've got a ruddy boyfriend. Dad, oh come on, don't _cry_."

"I'm not _crying_ ," sniffs her father stubbornly, crushing her to his chest again. "It's just that you're growing up so fast."

Lily pretends she doesn't notice Petunia's absence, wonders distantly if she's coming home for Christmas this year or not.

* * *

 ** _(just speaking tongues)_**

* * *

Lily's father insists Davey join them for the holiday so Davey arrives for Christmas Eve ham and eggnog and an hour later, so does Petunia.

"I didn't know if you would be joining us," Lily's father greets her happily.

Lily frowns. Petunia looks _skinny._

Frail.

It deeply disturbs her.

Petunia insists she isn't hungry, that she ate at Cynthia's, and drags her luggage upstairs to her room where she remains for the entirety of the evening. After a Christmas movie, Davey announces his parents will be coming to pick him up shortly and Lily's father shakes Davey's hand before hugging Lily goodnight and heading to bed.

They make sure the coast is clear and flip the TV back on so that Lily's father assumes they are harmlessly watching television while waiting for Davey's parents.

But they don't watch TV.

Instead, Lily learns how to French kiss. She becomes really, _really_ good at it.

* * *

 ** _(_ _running for the door_ _)_**

* * *

They spend Christmas with Grandma Lois in Surrey. Lily watches Petunia closely at dinner, notices how she mostly just pushes her food around her plate, taking small, calculated bites, keeps quiet.

She looks haggard and tired, excuses herself early from the table, heads upstairs to use to loo.

"What's taking Petunia so long?" questions Grandma Lois. "Doesn't she want any dessert?"

"I'll go check," Lily says and heads up the creaky landing.

She hears retching as she approaches the bathroom, knocks tentatively.

"You okay, Tuney?" she says through the door.

"Go _away_ ," Petunia growls and retches again.

"You've been up here a while. Are you sick?" Lily asks.

"Lily, I said _go away_!"

Lily glares at the door, turns on her heel and bounds down the stairs.

"She's throwing up," Lily states blandly. "I think we should take her home."

When Petunia emerges from the bathroom, Grandma Lois hands her a plastic container of leftovers. The look of disgust that flashes across Petunia's sunken features is brief and Lily is the only one to notice.

"Why don't you take a nice hot bath?" suggests their father once they get home.

Petunia nods and heads up the stairs.

"Wonder if she's got the flu?"

Lily bites her lip, nods at her father. "I'm sure that's all it is."

"Something about eating turkey that causes me to become one of the walking dead," Lily's father yawns. "I'm beat. You turning in, too?"

Lily lingers in the hallway, eyes glued to the bathroom she and her sister share. "No, I'm going to wait for Petunia to get out and take a shower myself."

"G'night, then," her father yawns again and closes his door.

Lily studies in her room, eyes drooping and head bobbing up and down as she tries to stay awake. She grows frustrated when she realizes Petunia has been in the bathroom for more than an hour.

"Petunia," Lily shouts, pounding on the door. "Just because you are sick does not mean you get to take your sweet time in there. I need to shower too before you use all the bloody hot water again."

Silence.

"Did you fall asleep in there?"

Lily pounds on the door again. The lock comes loose and the door springs forward. Hot, moist steam curls forward, sticking warmly to her face.

Lily squints. "Tuney?"

When the steam clears, she finds Petunia lying naked on the floor.

"Oh my God, Tuney!" she screams, dropping to her knees beside her unconscious sister.

And it's then that Lily notices just how skinny Petunia has become. Her skin hangs loose against her body, transparent and gray. Her eyes are sunken in, dark, heavy purple circles surrounding them. Her blonde hair hangs in loose clumps, her fingernails brittle, her lips thin.

She can see her ribs...

"Dad!" Lily yells. "Help! Call an ambulance!"

She spends the remainder of Christmas in the hospital, discovers her sister has an eating disorder.

"Is there anything that could have triggered this behavior?" the doctors ask.

Lily and her father share a worried, guilt-ridden glance.

Where could they even begin?

* * *

 ** _(when we were young)_**

* * *

Lily's father goes to visit Petunia the next evening at the hospital and Lily can't sit still. She's pent up, frustrated, scared to death.

Too much bloody energy.

Desperate to get Petunia off her brain, she slips into her black pea coat and Gryffindor scarf, pulling on her boots.

The street outside is desolate and ghost-like, covered in a winter chill. Every neighbor is asleep without a care in the world, not knowing the horror Lily is facing inside this very second.

 _Pop._

She lurches at the sound, turning about. Strangely, it sounds as if someone has set off a firework. She scopes the street swiftly.

Nothing.

It is hard to see—her eyes haven't fully adjusted to the bleak, dark night and the only light is the flickering of a streetlamp five houses down.

But she sees something—a figure, draped in a black cloak, outlined in the shadows of the flickering orange hues of the broken streetlamp. It leans casually against the lamppost, its hood cloaking its face. She squints, takes a daring step forward, attempts to get a better look at the figure, but as soon as she moves forward, the figure becomes one with the night, disappearing into the shadows.

Her heart hammers and she fingers the wand in her pocket, continuing on toward the park.

Puffing out breaths of ghostly air, she slams the iron gate shut behind her and tears across the steep hill, slipping on the snowy slope. She flies behind a massive willow tree, immersing herself inside the willow curtain until her back connects with the thick trunk of the tree.

She peers around the vast trunk of the willow tree, past the frozen billowy curtain of the willow and around the playground, sees no one. She slides her hand across the wrinkly bark of the willow, gulps suddenly as her fingers graze a familiar carving, one she hasn't given notice to since she was thirteen.

Carved into the tree are the letters S & L BFF. A hard lump nests inside her throat.

She'd carved those letters into the tree herself, the summer right after her first year at Hogwarts, back when things were simple.

Lily lets the tears fall.

* * *

 ** _(when i'm fucked up, that's the real me)_**

* * *

 _Snap._

At the sound of a breaking twig, Lily spins around. Just a few paces away, a tall and looming figure, hidden in shadow, brushes the billows of the willow's curtain out of his way and steps into the secret depths inside it.

Lily screams, ripping out her wand.

The figure speeds toward her at her shriek, shoving her harshly against the bark of the tree. A cold, skeletal hand locks around her neck, while another slithers up to her lips and presses against them, muffling her scream.

She gives the person's hand a nice, deep chomp, her teeth sinking into the hand's bony, deathlike flesh. With an anguished cry, the figure draws back just as she manages to shove her wand toward where she hoped the individual's jugular would be.

"Stay where you are!" she commands, hating how her voice trembles.

The figure moves toward her once more, slowly, deliberately. In a flash, her arm twists behind her back and her wand clattered to the snowy earth.

"I will scream!" she hollers, desperate without a wand.

She thinks of ways she can fend her attacker off but all she can focus is on is the blood pumping in her ears and the aching in her spine.

"Shut up, do you want to wake up the entire neighborhood?" a familiar, dark voice hisses in her ear, sending shivers down her already chilled body.

"Get off me!" she snarls as he relinquishes his iron grip on her forearms.

She shoves him, hard.

"What the _hell_ is the matter with you?" she demands hotly. "Are you _mad_? Where do you get off sneaking up on people like that? I thought—I thought you were—"

 _A Death Eater._

He bends down and curls his skinny, bony fingers around her wand, presenting it to her as a peace offering.

"I'm sorry I scared you," apologizes Severus quietly.

Still glaring, she rips the wand from his hand and shoves it in her pocket. "You didn't."

"Lily, come on," he urges and she locks her chin, clenching her teeth. "You're not still mad at me are you?"

She scoffs at his utter idiocy, sending him a withering glare.

"Of _course_ I'm still mad at you."

"I made a mistake, Lily."

"No. You've made too _many_ mistakes, Severus," she corrects, knowing her words sound harsh and cruel.

"When were you ever one to judge someone?" Severus demands, his coal black eyes narrowing accusingly. "When did you become this superior person that walks on some sort of perfect, moral high ground?"

His words jab her, like they always do. He knows her too well. He is too deep inside who she is and she too deep in who he is. Not that it seems to matter much anymore.

"When you tell me one thing and then say another behind my back!" she vociferates fiercely. "When you jeopardize our friendship by associating with emotionless thugs that want to _hurt_ people like me. When you _still_ insist on hanging around them even after they put innocent lives in danger!"

"Innocent?" he laughs darkly, disbelievingly, his eyes full of scorn. "You think they were _innocent?_ "

Lily's blazing green eyes narrow, a tingling and fiery heat shooting up through her veins.

"Whether I find them innocent or not should be no _matter_ , Severus," she reminds him coolly. "Your friends tortured, bullied, and inflicted pain on _third years_ , and you—you just _stood_ there."

"What does age matter?" he sneers. "Age is but a number, Lily."

"Never you mind how old they were, then! Their conduct was completely out of line," she berates. "Frankly, so was yours. You put me in a horrible spot—you _know_ I'm a prefect and you _know_ it's my job to report these things. If you didn't want to get in trouble, you shouldn't be hanging around _them_!"

"Just because you're a bloody goody-two-shoes, Miss Prefect. Or should I say, Miss _Perfect_. You really deserve the title of prefect—I always told you they were nothing but a bunch of kiss-up, whiny snobs looking to be coddled and praised and that's exactly what you've become."

Severus's eyes are black and hateful and Lily feels like she's being strangled by a grove of thorns, puncturing her chest. She's slowly bleeding, losing strength, losing wit.

How is it that someone she called her best friend mere _months_ ago has become someone she's genuinely afraid of?

Steeling herself so that he can't see how much he's truly hurt her, she turns her back to him and makes to leave.

"No, wait!" he calls, grabbing her hand.

"Don't touch me," she grinds out, tearing her hand from his.

His hand falls limply to his side. "Okay, _okay_. But don't leave. _Please._ "

She should just keep walking, finally do what Dorcas's keeps advising and leave him behind. No more arguing, no more fighting, no more tears shed.

She's a masochist, though, and she doesn't give up on him, no matter how much he hurts her.

"What are you doing out here anyway?" he asks me, trying to change the subject.

"Fancied a bit of fresh air, didn't I?" she huffs and it is silent for several seconds. "And what about you? Haven't you got some raging snake party to go to?"

She turns slowly to face him, her eyes in slits.

"Hilarious," he deadpans.

She doesn't know what it is—years of knowing him and being his best friend, perhaps; maybe it is the look on his face or the sag in his step as he drags himself toward the trunk of the tree and sinks to the snowy earth—but she finds herself wondering what is wrong with him, knowing immediately _something_ is amiss. He doesn't come all the way out here to their tree anymore unless he is troubled.

"All seriousness, Sev," Lily says, concerned and quiet. "What happened?"

He looks up at her from his spot on the ground, his eyes glistening. He opens his mouth, then closes it, as if struggling with what to say. Finally, he squares his shoulders and dares a glare up at her.

"None of your damn business."

She sucks in a breath as if he's hit her, suddenly furious.

"I believe it is my damn— _fine_. I'll just leave you to it, then."

She's not in the mood for games, not after Petunia. She's exhausted, emotionally spent, and eager to return to the sanctuary of Hogwarts castle and see her friends—the friends that don't beat her down and make her feel lousy for caring about them.

"No, Lily, wait!" he calls after her again, but this time she keeps walking. "Wait, please. I'm sorry. I—"

When she turns around again—and of _course_ she did—a patch of silver moonlight takes that very same moment to break through the frozen curtain of the willow tree. The light catches the planes of Severus's ashen and slender face and he looks so broken, so troubled, and all she wants to do is hold him and take away his pain.

But he loves pain too much to allow her to save him.

But as the moon continues to glow, she catches sight of something much more horrifying and wonders guiltily how she hasn't noticed it before now. His left eye is blackened and his lip hosts a small cut, bleeding slowly.

"Sev, what happened?"

He pelts backward, dodging her touch.

"Nothing," he spits, flinging her insistent hands away.

"Oh, Sev, did he do this to you? Your father? Did he—?"

Something explodes inside him and his coal black eyes flash.

"That man is hardly what I would refer to as a father."

"Sev," she urges, coming forward.

"Stop it, Lily! Just st—" he shouts, but before he could finish what he is about to say, he snags his pant leg on a stray tree root and plummets to the ground.

"Sev!" Lily exclaims, rushing to his side. She sinks to her knees and forcefully takes his hand. Slowly, his ragged breaths begin to calm, just as they always do whenever she touches him.

"Show me," she whispers, stroking his face.

At last, he allows her to turn his face so that she can inspect the damage.

It's not that bad, she notes. Tonight seems to be one of Severus's good nights at home. It is because of Tobias Snape and what he does to his son every day that shows me the true horror behind alcoholism and how monstrous a man could truly be. For a moment, Lily wonders if this is why Severus insists on bonding with his Slytherin classmates—to somehow prove he's more powerful than what happens to him.

It makes Lily squirm uncomfortably.

"It'll be over soon, I promise, Sev," she tells him. "Only a few more years and then you can find a job and you won't have to deal with him ever again."

The moment she ushers this vow, his face contorts in pain, but it is no longer a physical pain. Tears never break the surface—he never allows himself to cry anymore—but he shakes with trembling, silent sobs.

They are silent for some time before he can speak again.

"Why were you so jumpy, before?" he wonders, his voice sounding gravelly.

"I thought I was being followed," Lily replies quietly, shrugging her shoulders.

"Followed?"

He sounds alarmed and stiffens in her arms.

"Yeah, for a moment, as I was walking down the lane, I could have sworn I saw someone watching me by a streetlamp, but I couldn't see their face. They were wearing a hood."

His muscles go tense, his body becomes rigid.

"It was probably nothing," he says after a beat, but Lily doesn't know whether he is trying to comfort her or himself.

"You're right," she lies and then sighs, unwinding from his embrace carefully. "I should probably get going. Dad's due back any moment now and I should really be there when he gets home."

"I'll walk you home."

She shakes her head, politely declining. Lily's father doesn't like Severus, and especially not after all the drama they've been through this year, and she knows it will only make situations worse if she shows up at the house with Severus in toe.

"No, I'll be fine, thanks. You going home, too?"

"In a bit," he says lowly, still sitting underneath our carved S & L.

"Sev?" Lily attempts, pushing away a lock of willow curtain. He lifts his head toward her, watching as she slips away from him. "I just realized that with everything going on between us, I never got to wish you a happy Christmas."

He nods, solemn.

"So, happy Christmas."

She doesn't wait for him to return to sentiment.

* * *

 _ **(but I'm fine, I'm fine)**_

* * *

Petunia is forced to move back home where their father can keep an eye on her. She agrees to see a therapist. She even sees Lily off at the train station.

Lily folds back into her life at Hogwarts easily and things are fine. She's getting more serious with Davey—the two of them sneak off at every free interval to make out and their tongues are wild and her face is hot and she's desperate to be rid of everything, desperate to just crawl inside him and never leave.

And things are fine.

But she feels different.

Vulnerable.

She doesn't like it.

* * *

 ** _(tastes so good, make a grown man cry)_**

* * *

Halfway through January, Marlene McKinnon transfers to Hogwarts from Beauxbatons Academy in Paris.

She's blonde and big chested and sassy, wears leopard print double D cup bras, bright harlot red lipstick, _always_ wears her uniform blouses with two buttons popped open to ensure the 'girls are free to breathe', rolls up her skirt at least twice every morning to show off more skin, and wears her tie too loose.

She's sorted into Gryffindor and Lily almost immediately can't stand her, mostly because she's so _different_ than anything Lily's experienced.

Lily has never felt jealous or envious, but when Marlene dances over to the Gryffindor table and wedges herself in next to the worshipful lapdog that is Mary MacDonald and she sees James Potter openly flush and gawk at her bosom and witnesses Sirius Black licking his lips in appreciation, something hot and coarse and _hateful_ develops in her chest.

Marlene is _sensual_ , sarcastic, blunt and _rude_ and _tough_ in a way Lily has never been able to be. She exudes sexuality and an arrogant stream of charisma that gives James Potter a run for his money. Not to mention she has a habit of showing off her French in conversation to make herself appear more intelligent and cultured.

Lily thinks she's full of shit.

She tries to express her fury to her boyfriend but even he can't help but notice the _ridiculous_ sway of Marlene's hips and the playful jump of her large breasts as she struts past them down the corridor like some kind of runway model.

"I _like_ her," Dorcas drawls in appreciation when Marlene sits down in front of them in their Potions class the following afternoon, zoning in on the cherry red thong peeking out from the top of her skirt. "Think she's ever experimented with girls?"

"What _ever_ ," is all Lily can muster out.

* * *

 _ **(violets are blue)**_

* * *

Lily celebrates Valentines Day with Davey at Hogsmeade. The two of them share a large choco-peanut butter milkshake and he buys her a sapphire bracelet from one of the small shops.

"Alright, Evans?" James Potter greets her as he passes and Lily inhales a flurry of snowflakes when she sees who he's proudly strutting around with him.

Marlene McKinnon and Lily share a rather nasty bout of facial expressions. She resists the strong impulse to throw snow in her face.

"Sod off, prat," Lily spits.

"What's got _her_ knickers in a twist?" snickers Marlene as the two swagger off.

Something jagged and sharp slices through Lily as James tucks his hand into the back pocket of Marlene's too-tight bellbottoms and says, "Probably on her rag or something. She's a nutcase."

"I'm done," Lily announces, glaring and turning back to Davey. "I'd like to go back to the castle now."

Davey rolls his eyes and shrugs. "I don't know what your problem is, anyway. He only tries to get under your skin because he fancies you. You only encourage him with reacting the way you do."

Lily releases a stream of hysterical laughter. "What are you _on_? You think that arrogant toe-rag fancies _me_?"

"I know it," Davey tells her. "Lily, a bloke knows when another bloke fancies their girl, okay? And sometimes I think you fancy him back."

" _What_? I do _not_ fancy James Potter. He is the most selfish, big-headed, conceited, _egotistical_ prick I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. And believe me, Potter doesn't fancy me," Lily assures him, blood boiling and insides jumping. "Besides, you've nothing to worry about. He's got that McKinnon bird and I'm with you."

"Comforting," Davey scoffs, shaking his head. "Sometimes you two are so similar, I think you are made for each other."

Lily wrinkles her nose but drops it. He walks her up to the Gryffindor tower in silence. Lily's anger has dissipated and all that stands in its place is a raw, craving emptiness that's begging to be filled.

"Do you want to go to our spot?" Lily suggests, tugging on Davey's tie and biting her lip. "We can try that thing you've been wanting to try."

Davey remains stone-faced. "Actually, you know what? I think I'm pretty tired."

Lily's hand falls limply to her side and she takes a step back, red faced and embarrassed with rejection.

"Oh."

Davey blinks, smiles softly, and pecks her chastely on the cheek.

"I'll see you later, yeah?"

"Yeah," she mutters, not understanding what she's done or where they stand.

* * *

 ** _(why you so obsessed with me)_**

* * *

"What is this new fixation on Remus Lupin?" Lily wonders.

It's a warm, breezy day at the end of March and they are leaving the library from a rare study session. It's been several weeks since they've even seen each other.

"Don't tell me you haven't noticed," Severus scoffs. " _Every_ full moon he's running off. They're up to something, Lily, I just know it."

Lily rolls her eyes, biting her lip nervously. Of course she has noticed. In fact, she's known since the last full moon. She can tell that Remus knows that she knows but she refuses to confront him directly and he doesn't speak about it.

"What do you care?"

"Why do you _not_ care?" he counters, growing upset. "You're a _prefect_. If they are breaking the rules and stewing up trouble, you should be reporting them."

"There's no _proof_ that they are doing anything wrong, Sev," Lily points out, adjusting the strap of her bag. "Anyway, I've got to get going."

"Where are you headed again?" Severus asks.

"My Astronomy class is camping out in the forest tonight. It's worth half my grade just to show up and discuss constellations over campfire," Lily answers.

"They don't think that's...dangerous?" wondered Severus anxiously. "What if something happens to you? What if you're attacked—?"

"By what?" Lily laughs knowingly. "A _werewolf_? Seriously, Sev, just give it a rest already. There will be five teachers with us and it's only one night. We'll be fine."

"Alright, Evans?"

Lily flinches as James slings his arm around Lily's shoulders. Severus glowers moodily at James.

"Problem, Snivellus?" James taunts. "Heard you've been stalking Moony here."

Remus sighs heavily from behind Lily. She greets him with a side-hug and a concerned smile, shaking James off of her . He looks ragged, beat up, peaky.

"You doing okay?" she whispers.

"It's been a long couple of days," he tells her and Lily nods, grateful that the full moon was Wednesday evening and Remus doesn't have to be concerned about missing the weekend campout.

"Do you need anything?" she asks, digging in her bag for a special ointment she concocted in Potions the other day. "I brought you the salve in case you were—you know—injured?"

Remus smiles and takes the salve discreetly from Lily, slipping it into his overnight bag. "Thanks, Lil. I'm fine, don't worry."

"What are we standing round Snivellus for?" Sirius pipes up, appearing at James's side.

"He was bothering Evans."

Lily simmers and Severus sneers.

"He was _not_ bothering me," Lily corrects, shoving past James. "And if he were I certainly wouldn't need any assistance from _you_. I'm a big girl, Potter, and I can take care of myself."

"See you when you get back," Severus says to her and she looks at him knowingly.

"Don't do anything stupid," she warns. "Just let it go, Sev. I mean it, just drop it."

Severus ignores her and takes off in the opposite direction, leaving Lily with Remus and his two idiot companions.

* * *

 ** _(star light, star bright)_**

* * *

The Astronomy campout is held in a large clearing in the Forbidden Forest. They take a small and very secure evening hike and set up camp. Lily unravels her sleeping bag next to Emmeline's and to her displeasure, Mary MacDonald soon joins them.

"I am _so_ excited. A sleepover with _boys_ ," Mary giggles and Lily rolls her eyes.

"Not that you'll be getting any action tonight," Lily assures her. "We have five chaperones, three female and two male, including Professor McGonagall. She'll probably be up all night making sure no one strays from their sections."

"Whatever," Mary says dismissively. "I wasn't talking to you anyway. You're too much of a prude to even contemplate having sex with anyone."

Lily bites her tongue and turns to Emmeline.

"I'm sorry, Em, I really thought I could handle it," Lily apologizes, gathering her sleeping bag. "But I just don't understand how you can be friends with someone so petty and hateful. I'm going to have to bunk elsewhere."

Emmeline gazes at Lily in disappointment and says, "That's fine, whatever makes you comfortable. But I seriously can't handle the negative energy between the two of you and if you can't manage to put your feelings aside for one night, then maybe the person with the real problem here is you."

"Excuse me?"

"Lily, you've been nothing but unkind to Mary and I feel like you keep punishing me for being friends with her," Emmeline explains sadly. "I just can't handle your hypocrisy."

" _Hypocrisy?_ " Lily gasps. "You're calling me a hypocrite, really?"

"Well, you expect me to be fine with Severus Snape, don't you?" Emmeline points out. "It's not fair that you can bash my friend but when I say one thing about his negative energy, you bite my head off."

Lily sighs. "Severus is my best friend."

"And Mary is mine," Emmeline states. "And if you can't come to terms with that, maybe you and I should just part ways."

Lily blinks, can't believe what she's hearing, wants to rip the smug smirk off of Mary's pointed chipmunk face. She stalks away, settling on an empty space close to the magical barrier line separating the girls from the boys.

"Hey, I couldn't help but overhear," Hestia Jones says later as they sit around the campfire with their notebooks to sketch the constellations. "That Mary is a real piece of work. You okay?"

Lily nods, smiling gratefully. They roast marshmallows and listen in amusement as Sirius spins ghost stories and James rattles off jokes. Lily can't help but notice that sometimes she is the only one to laugh after one of James's jokes.

He really can be funny, sometimes, when he's not being a giant pain in the arse.

As she's getting ready for bed that evening, slipping into her sleeping bag, James finds her.

"Hey, Evans," James says as he slithers into his sleeping bag on the other side of the barrier line, directly across from her, and rips off his shirt.

Lily stares openly at his toned chest and the way his stomach muscles clench as he bends forward to grab his wand from the other side of his sleeping bag.

"Stalking me?" she teases and he smirks.

"Would you like that, Evans?" he questions and the glint in his eye makes Lily's abdomen warm.

"You wish."

"I just wanted to say thanks," James says seriously, taking off his glasses. "I know I give you a hard time but really, thanks a lot."

"For what?"

She's never heard James Potter say 'thank you'.

"I know you know about Remus," he tells her quietly. "I just wanted to say thanks for not saying anything and ... being there for him. It's really helped him, being friends with you."

Lily doesn't know what to say, shrugs, nods, shrugs again.

"It's nothing," she finally says. "It changes nothing. He was my friend before I knew and he's my friend now."

Her response seems to make James really happy because he breaks into a broad grin that makes Lily tremble.

"Davey is a lucky bloke," James tells her and Lily blinks rapidly in surprise. "You're pretty great, you know, Evans, when you aren't being a total stick in the mud."

Lily laughs and then shakes her head. "That's funny and all, thanks, but we actually aren't together anymore."

Something about this makes James sit up straighter. "Oh? Why's that? He—er—well, he seemed... really into you."

"Seemed to think you felt the same about me," she shares and James's eyebrows dart upward. "I guess he felt threatened."

"So he broke up with you because he thought I fancied you?" James chortles. "That's the stupidest thing I've _ever_ heard. Who cares? Plenty of blokes are into you, Evans. If I were your boyfriend, I wouldn't let that stop me."

Lily rolls her eyes. "Oh, yeah, I'm sure. Anyway, he seemed to think we had something going on behind the scenes."

"We, as in you and I?" James clarifies and Lily nods. "Well, _do_ we have something going on?"

Lily wrinkles her nose at him, flops on her back, and zips up her sleeping bag, turning away from him.

"You wish," she repeats.

She isn't sure but she thinks she hears him mutter, "Yeah, maybe."

* * *

 _End of III: 1975-1976_

 _Part Two_

* * *

Like I stated above, I'm going to attempt to fix whatever issue is going on with Fanfiction not letting me save and update my chapters and will give you 1975-1976 Part Three as soon as I'm able.

As always, I live only for your feedback, so please leave me a review down below.


	4. Chapter 4

**If I Die Young**

* * *

 **Disclaimer:** I own absolutely nothing from the Harry Potter universe. This fanfiction is written purely for entertainment purposes and nothing more, though all ideas and writing are done by me and belong to me.

 **A/N:** So, I finished this chapter a bit quicker than I thought I would. Writing this story has been a huge stress reliever lately and just super inspiring. I find it really easy to just let myself go in this story and really get my creative juices flowing. Since I've been struggling a lot with writer's block with my other stories, I'm hoping this will allow me to get back in the habit of writing consistently so that I can update the rest of my work.

Anyway, _please_ review and let me know what you think of the story. It's a little sad seeing how little reviews I'm getting.

Enjoy!

—Annie

* * *

 **IV**

 _1975-1976_

 _Part Three_

* * *

 _I don't know where I'm goin'_  
 _But I sure know where I've been_  
 _Hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday_  
 _And I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time_

 _—Whitesnake_

* * *

 ** _(just touch and see)_**

* * *

Lily spends the entirety of April studying for the upcoming exams.

She is studying with Remus in the library, nursing a rather awful cold brought on by the sudden change in weather, when she notices Davey walk in. He's holding hands with Emmeline Vance and Lily feels her teeth scraping viciously against her chapped and dry bottom lip as they pass her and head to the Restricted Section. Neither of them even bother to glance at her.

"Lil?"

Lily's mossy green eyes snap to Remus, unfocused and watery. "Sorry, what?"

Remus frowns at her, passes her a tissue. "I think that maybe we should take a study break, go get some fresh air?"

Lily coughs into the tissue.

"I'm fine," she insists, sniffling.

"You're working yourself into the ground," he worries.

And Lily knows she is working too hard, getting too overwhelmed. It's just that studying helps take her mind off of everything.

"Okay, how about this?" Lily suggests, holding up a finger before he can continue fretting. "Let's go out this weekend. It's the last trip to Hogsmeade before O. start and we can spend some time together, just you and me."

Remus tugs at his collar, glances down at his textbook.

"Are you—asking me out?"

Lily laughs, watching him closely. "Uh, yeah? I thought that was a bit obvious, Reme."

Remus shifts, pulling at a loose thread on his shirt sleeve. "Like a date?"

Lily smiles encouragingly. "Well, yeah. I mean, why not? We're both single, we get along great. Don't tell me you haven't thought about it?"

At this, Remus releases a winded sigh, smiling disappointedly.

"I'd be a liar if I told I hadn't," he confides and Lily beams.

She notices Davey drift past, grabs Remus's hand persistently, squeezes it.

"So, what do you say? Meet you in the Great Hall at eleven?"

He wriggles free of her grasp. Lily's lips part in confusion. She's suddenly very self-conscious of her raspy voice and dripping nose and messy top-bun.

"Lily, believe me, normally I would be thrilled, but I can't do that to James."

" _James_? Why would he care?" Lily protests, dabbing her red nose with her tissue.

"Lily, he cares more than you think."

Lily attempts to laugh, ends up having a coughing fit. Remus reaches over, claps her on the back.

"He's got McKinnon shoving her tongue down his throat every five seconds," Lily argues, wheezing. "I'm sure he wouldn't mind you and I sharing a butterbeer."

"Even so, Lil, if we go anywhere, it will have to be very firmly as friends," Remus confirms and Lily frowns, sneezes atrociously loud.

Lily doesn't understand, writes it off as him not finding her attractive, and agrees to remain friends.

* * *

 ** _(taste cardboard between my lips)_**

* * *

There's a creak as the door to Lily's solitude opens.

"I hope you don't mind—is that seat taken?" an unfamiliar voice questions. "You see—there's a bunch of Slytherins in the other reading room—"

"Just sit down," Lily interjects sharply and her head falls down on the library table with a loud thud.

"Um—'Kay?"

Lily hears the scrape of a chair as the girl deposits her books on the table and sits down. The girl takes a large breath.

"I'm—uh—thanks—I'm Alice. "

Lily sighs heavily. It's her time of the month and she's exhausted. She is tired of studying.

"Look, Alice, was it?" Lily huffs into her textbook. "I don't care, okay? I've been here since two in the afternoon. It's now midnight and the questions on my practice exam are starting to blur together and my head is pounding and I have monster cramps and—I'm Lily."

Alice clears her throat. "Thank goodness for extended weekend library hours, huh?"

Lily finally glances up.

And—

"I know you," Lily gasps.

Alice Robinson is a fellow Gryffindor and Lily's never paid her much attention before now, mostly because Alice is a resident loner, suffers from social anxiety disorder, and always sits in the back of the classroom, doodling in her notebooks instead of taking rigorous notes like Lily often does.

"I like the pixie cut," Lily compliments, gesturing to Alice's mahogany hair. "Did you cut it over the summer?"

Alice nods, fiddling with the cotton headband she has resting on the top of her head. She squints down at her tall stack of study materials and frowns, yawning.

"Thanks, by the way," Alice says again, drumming her bubble-gum pink fingernails against the table. "Those Slytherins have been so annoying. I haven't been able to concentrate at all."

Lily glances through the glass toward the other reading room and her mouth twitches as her eyes land on Mucliber and Severus. Mucliber catches her eye, winks, licks his lips.

"Don't blame you," Lily says in disgust. "You're welcome to stay here as _long_ as you need."

Severus glances up, spots Lily staring at him, quickly glances away. And once again, Lily is non-existent, as if their years of friendship is just a game they play when he's not around his buddies.

"Coffee?" Alice offers, pushing a tall carton of steaming energizer across the table.

They'd recently installed a small section in the library where students could purchase hot beverages while studying, and with O.W.L.'s just around the corner, Lily's been taking advantage of this. "You looked like you might need a pick me up."

"Um—thank you," Lily accepts tentatively, eyes Alice with curiosity. "Do you—would you like to quiz me?"

* * *

 ** _(we are young, we run free)_**

* * *

When Alice and Lily return to the Gryffindor common room, it's nearing one o'clock in the evening and both girls are mentally fried from studying together all night but too wired from their triple shot espressos to head straight to bed.

"I guess no one else can sleep, either," Alice comments in surprise as they pass through the portrait hole.

"Leave it to the Gryffindors to throw a party the week before finals," Lily mutters in exasperation.

She heads over to Remus, who's actively participating in a rather energized game of truth or dare. The four Marauders are spread out on the sofas along with Hestia Jones, Marlene McKinnon, Benjy Fenwick, and Mary MacDonald.

"Okay, seriously? Who smuggled the firewiskey from Hogsmeade?" she demands, hands on her hips. "Remus, why haven't you put a stop to this?"

Remus releases a loud, girl-like giggle. "Because I'm drunk."

Sirius and James burst into fits of laughter, holding their sides and rolling around.

"I thought you were having a study session," Lily complains. "Not being irresponsible and throwing a party. Some people are actually trying to do well on their exams next week."

"We were studying, Lily Flower," Sirius says. "We just finished is all. We aren't all lunatic academics like you. Some of us need some fun, too."

Lily simmers. "I have fun."

"Oh, rubbish," James yelps. "You've been holed in that library all bloody month, Evans. Come join the fun while you're still young and able. Don't be such a tight-arsed prude."

"I am not a prude," Lily snaps.

"Prove it," challenges James.

Alice giggles from next to Lily. "I'm game if you are."

And Lily doesn't know whether it's the lack of sleep or the intense coffee high or her recent mental exhaustion, but she finds herself tugging Alice over to the group huddled around the fireplace.

She plops down next to Remus, picks up a shot glass, downs the fire whisky inside it, and rips off her sweater so that she's just in her tank top and stretchy exercise pants.

"Oh, damn," Sirius cackles. "Is Lily Evans really letting loose?"

"Bet your arse I am," she says.

The fire whisky works fast and pumps hot and spicy in her veins. She feels bold, she feels daring, she feels sexy.

"Okay, Evans, Robinson, you two birds ready?" James says, holding up a bottle of fire whisky. "We are playing 'Never Have I Ever'. Familiar with the rules?"

Lily cocks an eyebrow at him. "How original. Yes, I'm familiar, as if every single female that has ever had a sleepover. A person says something they've never done and if you've done it you have to drink."

"Want to start, Evans?" James offers. "Since you are _so_ familiar with the game?"

"Sure, whatever," Lily laughs. "Never have I ever kissed James Potter."

"Oh, you stupid bitch," giggles Mary MacDonald uncontrollably, very much drunk.

She knocks back her shot of fire whisky.

"Cheers," Marlene says as she downs her own shot.

Lily tries to remember how to breathe, tempted to strangle the big chested blonde to death.

"Aw, bloody hell," Sirius moans, knocking back his own shot.

 _"Wha_ t?" squeals Hestia and Alice at the same time.

"I was drunk and it was a bloody dare," Sirius grumbles.

"Potter, you dared him to kiss you?" Benjy guffaws. "I knew you two were close but—"

"It was Peter actually, ruddy scum bucket," James says and glares at Lily, clearly impressed. "Good one, Evans, good one."

"Oh, speaking of kissing," Marlene McKinnon chirps. "I've got another game we can do."

"But we've only just started this one," protests Peter.

"Hush now, Wormtail," she chuckles and Peter blushes.

 _Wormtail?_ Lily thinks sourly. _Since when is she familiar enough with them to use their nicknames?_

"Believe me, this game is a lot more fun," Marlene insists and flicks her wand.

A gleaming ball of blue light floats in the air above them.

"So, one person sits in the middle," instructs Marlene. "Everyone form a circle. Mary, why don't you go ahead and be our demonstrator and get in the middle."

Mary flips her hair over her shoulder and topples into the middle of the floor.

"So, since Mary is in the middle, she will spin the orb around the circle. Eventually, it will land on another person," Marlene explains. "Go ahead and tap the orb, Mary."

Mary taps it with her wand and the orb begins to dart around the circle, coming to a stop above Peter's head. It makes two chimes.

"Okay, so the orb landed on Peter," Marlene continues, "which means that Mary, you have to kiss Peter."

"What?" Mary exclaims, clearly not pleased. Peter, on the other hand, seems more than pleased.

"Now, there's two more rules," Marlene explains. "First, every single time the orb lands on someone there will be a chime. The amount of times the orb chimes dictates the type of kiss will be bestowed upon the person the orb is floating above. One chime means a kiss on the cheek, two chimes means a kiss on the lips, and three chimes means full on snogging, tongue action and everything."

The look of utter horror that crosses Mary's pointed features makes Lily tickle with evil pleasure. For a moment, she and Marlene actually share a mischievous smirk and Lily wonders if maybe she's been wrong about her.

And then Marlene rests her hand on James's thigh, squints pointedly at her, and Lily remembers how much she loathes this female.

"Second rule is that every time the orb lands on someone other than yourself, you must take a drink," Marlene says. "The only two people who should not drink is the person in the middle and the person with the orb above their head."

"Sounds easy enough," Sirius says, clapping his hands together. "So, should Mary kiss Peter on the lips now or what?"

Mary coughs. "It's a practice round though. I was just demonstrating."

"You still have to kiss him, Mary," Marlene tells her without sympathy, grinning sinisterly. "The orb won't let us continue on with the game if you don't."

Mary frowns, huffs, and mutters a petulant, "fine". Her lips make a loud smack as she plants one on Peter's lips.

"Woo!" Sirius yelps, patting Peter promptly on the back. "He's no longer a lip virgin!"

Peter flushes as he switches Mary places and goes to sit in the middle of the circle. The orb dings three times above Marlene McKinnon and Peter practically wets himself. Marlene smirks at him, teasingly eggs him on, and ensues in a brief tongue battle with Peter Pettigrew.

"My turn," Marlene sings as she swaggers into the circle and taps the orb. It buzzes around until it lands on Alice. Sirius and James both howl in excitement.

"Ayyyy, this will be a first," Alice grumbles, flushing with social apprehension as the orb dings twice and Marlene promptly presses her bright red lips against Alice's chapstick slick ones.

Alice takes her place in the middle and the orb dances around the circle, landing on Remus Lupin and chiming three times.

"First snog session of the evening!" announces Marlene, clapping her hands together excitedly. "You have to go till the end of the timer."

Lily can't help but notice the way Alice's hands tremble as she crawls into Remus's lap and goes to town. When they are finished and the timer goes off, Remus looks rather smug as he pats down his hair. Alice returns to her spot next to Lily.

"Don't say _anything_ ," she warns, refusing to look at the grinning red-head.

"Alright, Remus!" calls out James. "Pick your poison."

Remus clears his throat and taps his wand against the orb so that it circles the group. All eyes fall upon her as the orb burps out one, tiny chime above her head.

She notices James tense and then sigh in what seems like relief at the single chime. Remus kisses Lily swiftly on the cheek and switches her places.

"It's about damn time I get some action," Sirius hollers once Lily's orb lands above his head and chimes three times.

"Bloody _hell_ ," James mutters, balling his fist at his side. He pulls Sirius close to him, whispers something fiercely in his ear.

Sirius just laughs, shoves James off of him, and licks his lips in anticipation, waving Lily onward.

"Let's have it, Evans," Sirius eggs and Lily can practically _feel_ the daggers coming from Mary MacDonald's eyes.

"I'm going to be sick," Lily says as Sirius's hands encircle her waist, pulling her flush against him and smiling wickedly down at her.

She feels like Little Red about to be devoured by the Big Bad Wolf.

"Timer starts when the snogging begins," reminds Marlene.

Lily swallows down her vomit and forces herself upon Sirius Black. His hands roam freely, expertly, against her tank top. He swirls his tongue around Lily's exuberantly and he tastes like cherry's jubilee and lemon drops.

" _Disgusting_ ," scoffs James. "How much longer do they have? I can't _stand_ watching this."

"Thirty seconds," Marlene hums, pleased.

The timer finally, _finally_ beeps but Sirius continues assaulting her with his talented tongue and Lily practically has to shove Sirius off of her.

"I feel _dirty_ ," she declares, switching places with Sirius.

Beside her, James's leg is jiggling uncontrollably.

"Damn, dirty _indeed_ ," Sirius agrees, winking at her. "Where'd you learn to kiss like that, Evans?"

"Me, of course," Benjy brags and Lily smiles fondly at her former crush and first kiss. "I taught her well."

"Okay, let's move on," James insists, glaring darkly at Sirius. "I'm bored with discussing Evans's history."

Sirius ends up kissing Hestia on the cheek and she, in turn, pecks James swiftly on the lips. When James takes the circle, the orb buzzes for several seconds, circling their heads.

Lily's heart drops into her stomach when she sees the look of wide-eyed shock on James's face. The blue orb chimes three times.

"Well, go on and have your way, Prongs," Sirius encourages, shoving him into the circle and toward a frozen Lily.

"Hurry up," Mary whines impatiently.

"No way," Lily croaks. "Nope."

"Rules are rules," Marlene reminds her, rolling her eyes. "Merlin, stop being so bloody dramatic and just kiss each other already."

James takes Lily's face into his large, callused hands. They're rough and smooth and gentle and assertive. His hazel eyes scorch into hers and she can't help the rapid beating of her heart trying to break out of her chest. He leans in slow, deliberate, and he smells like mouth wash and leather and sweat.

Her eyes flutter closed.

"Prongs, what the hell?" Sirius demands.

Lily's eyes open and find James scooting back, shaking his head. He looks at Lily sadly, gives a small half-smile, shrugs his shoulders.

"I'm bored with this game," he announces, extinguishing the blue orb above Lily's head. "Who wants to play Exploding Snap?"

And Lily doesn't understand it, can't comprehend how she feels.

Should she be grateful for his chivalry? Endeared by his hesitance? Insulted by his lack of desire?

She turns to Remus pointedly and says, "See? I _told_ you he doesn't fancy me. You should have had a butterbeer with me."

Remus chuckles, pats her hand affectionately.

"One day you'll see it, too," Remus assures her.

Lily scoffs.

* * *

 ** _(she's got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends)_**

* * *

It's the last Quidditch match of the season before their final exams and Lily, Dorcas, and Alice are perched lazily in the stands.

"That whole James Potter thing didn't last long," Dorcas comments happily, staring greedily at her favorite blonde. "He seems to be holding up okay, though."

Marlene is resting on Dirk Cresswick's lap, flirtatiously running her fingers through his long, white blond locks.

"She certainly gets around, doesn't she?" Alice chimes in, glancing calmly up from her crochet.

Lily's noticed that Alice always has to be doing something with her hands when she's in big crowds or social events, whether it's doodling or crochet or constantly popping her knuckles.

"Wish she'd be less _public_ about it," Lily gripes.

Alice snorts. "Like James Potter or Sirius Black are any better? I swear, Black's always been that way but I think Marlene's turned James into some kind of playboy."

"Because he doesn't have a big enough head as it is," Lily says dryly. "I don't understand the appeal, to be honest."

" _How_?" Dorcas caws. "Have you _seen_ her?"

" _You_ are biased," Lily points out just as Slytherin makes another goal. Alice grumbles in disappointment along with the rest of the Gryffindors.

She watches James Potter zigzag through the pitch, quaffle under his arm.

"I just meant that I don't see how all the boys are into her when she's constantly snogging every single male in the bloody castle every chance she gets," Lily continues. "You'd think they would prefer a girl that isn't probably carrying a sexually transmitted disease."

"That's horrible, Lily," Dorcas admonishes, pouting. She hates it when Lily talks badly about Marlene.

"But true," Alice pipes. "Though, at this stage, I don't think the boys care. They're all so randy all the time, they just want to get laid and they know she's easy."

"There's a difference between being easy and being _experienced_ ," Dorcas reminds them. The Gryffindors shout in triumph as James manages to score. "Damn, that new Slytherin Keeper is _brutal_."

"Yes, there is a difference," Lily agrees, glancing over at Marlene again.

She's switched laps and is whispering something seductively in Riley Stebbins's ear that he really seems to enjoy.

"And she's definitely easy," Alice agrees.

* * *

 ** _(_ _I'm like a chain-saw_ _)_**

* * *

" _Stop_!"

Lily pauses outside the library, straining her ears. She checks her wristwatch and sees that it's definitely past curfew.

"Give them _back_!"

The scream echoes down the corridor, alarming Lily. When she turns the corner, she finds Mary MacDonald whimpering against the stone wall. Blocking her exit is Britton Avery and Orpheus Wilkes.

"Think I'll hold onto them, actually," Avery drawls, smirking, dangling a piece of clothing in front of Mary's face.

Lily notices with horror that he's holding on to a pair of baby blue polka-dot panties with lace trim.

"I was hoping they'd be a bit more _sophisticated_ ," Wilkes says, getting uncomfortably close to Mary's face, "what with you running round with that McKinnon slut and everything. Hoped she might have rubbed off on your entitled, tight little arse."

Mary's hyperventilating, tears gushing down her angry, red face. Lily's never seen her look so mortified.

"Please let me go," she begs, sobbing. "You can keep them. I won't tell anyone."

Avery chuckles blackly and slides his wand along Mary's blouse. The buttons fall, one by one, clattering with a _plink_ against the cold stone.

"Not very well endowed up here, are you, sweetheart?" Avery chuckles, tracing his wand along Mary's bra line.

Lily is suddenly very sick.

And _pissed_.

"Get your hands off of her, _now_!" she cries out, stomping over to the two Slytherins.

"Oh, lookey here, Orph," Avery says to Wilkes, growing excited. "Sev's little mudblood has come to play, too."

"Classy," Lily bites out, grabbing Mary and throwing her behind her back. "Give her back her undergarments."

"Don't think I will," Avery refuses. "Finders keepers and all."

"They _—_ they charmed them off of me _—"_ Mary sobs, clutching Lily's arm. Her mascara drips onto Lily's sleeve.

"Shut up, little _bitch_ ," Wilkes snarls, taking an intimidating step forward.

Mary hiccups, clutches her blouse together with one hand, and suddenly darts off in the direction Lily had just come, disappearing behind the corner.

Lily's blood boils, only then realizing how outmatched she is. How d _are_ she just _leave_ her behind like that?

"If you so much as take one step toward me, I will hex you into next week," Lily threatens, keeping her wand raised firmly in front of her.

Accepting her dare with a sly, prickly smile, Avery steps forward.

"Seventy points from Slytherin for sexually harassing a female student, being out past curfew, and disobeying orders from a prefect," Lily snaps.

" _Seventy_?" seethes Wilkes, jutting forward. "You can't take away that many points from us! You aren't a bloody teacher."

Lily cocks her head to the side. "Want to bet? Take it up with Professor Slughorn tomorrow, then."

" _Fuck_ you, Mudblood," Wilkes spits.

"Another ten points," Lily adds, glaring, "for obscene language. Now, are you going to back to your dorms now or am I going to have to report your misconduct to the headmaster?"

"Like hell you will," Wilkes growls, lurching forward and wrapping his hands around Lily's neck.

Avery steps easily out of the way from Wilkes, chuckling as he slams Lily roughly into the stone wall. Her spell ricochets off the wall and down the hall, sending sparks through the air. Her head spins and she feels suddenly nauseous.

She feels Avery pry her wand from her fingers.

" _No_ ," she chokes out and when Wilkes presses his thumbs harder into her larynx, Lily sees black.

She attempts to knee Wilkes in the groin but he remains a safe distance from her.

"I've always been curious as to how a mudblood tastes," Avery hums thoughtfully, gripping her chin tightly and turning her face toward him.

"What the hell is— _Lily!_ "

Before she can comprehend what is happening, both Avery and Wilkes are blasted off their feet and thrown into the neighboring wall.

She coughs out, sputtering, her lungs seizing for air, and crumples to the floor in search of her wand. James Potter and Sirius Black are on them immediately, pummeling them. Lily sees a large map sticking out of James's back pocket, squints at it.

She can't concentrate.

"Stop," she attempts but her voice is just a damaged squeak.

"Lily, are you okay?"

Lily notices Peter walking toward her in concern. His pudgy hands find hers and suddenly, she's inconsolable, wrapping her arms around him as she cries.

Her sobs seem to wake up James and he looks back at Lily. He turns back to Wilkes, seizes the front of his robes.

"If I _ever_ see you come near her again, I _will_ kill you," he hisses down at Wilkes's bloodied face.

Sirius stands, flexing his busted fist, and aims a kick at Avery's ribs.

"Get the hell out of here," he commands and the two Slytherins limp away, grumbling and spitting and glaring.

"Lily—" James starts.

"How did you find me?" she struggles, blinking.

Her eyes land on James as he stuffs the map she'd seen earlier down deeper into his pocket.

"Ran into Mary," James replies.

He looks paler than usual in the light of the full moon above them.

"I think she's got a concussion, mate," Sirius tells James, coming to Lily's side and peeling her off of Peter.

"You're out past curfew," Lily rasps.

"Really, Evans?" Sirius snorts. " _That's_ what you want to focus on right now?"

She notices a deep gash on Sirius's arm. "Did Avery hurt you?"

Sirius glances down at his wound, fidgets for a moment. "Must have, yeah."

But Lily isn't so sure because Lily's noticed that Remus isn't the only one leaving the castle when the full moon is high in the sky. No, all of them disappear and can't be found.

And so Lily's been doing her research, is convinced the three boys in front of her have been up to something.

The only thing that makes sense is that they've all become unregistered Animagi and each full moon is spent keeping Remus company when he transforms.

She can't be certain, but it would explain why the morning after the full moon is always the day Lily finds the boys snoring in class or tending to unexplainable wounds.

"Are you sure you're okay?" James presses.

Lily blinks, clears her throat.

"Fine," she mumbles.

"That's Evans speak for 'not fine'," James says, rolling his eyes in irritation. "Come on, let's take you to the hospital wing."

After that night, suddenly James thinks it's only natural that he start asking her out every five minutes.

And it's very much _not_ normal.

* * *

 ** _(i don't need a man)_**

* * *

"Has Mary said anything to you?" wonders Alice.

Lily tosses another pebble into the lake, watching the water ripple and blink under the pounding May sun.

"Of course not," Dorcas answers for Lily. "That girl is the worst."

Lily spreads out on the grass, staring up at the cloudy sky.

"She doesn't need to say anything to me," Lily says softly.

"You intercepted a very possible rape situation, Sunflower," Dorcas points out. "If it were me, I'd be kissing your feet for _weeks_."

"Poor Mary," Alice says, her face contorted in disgust. "If Avery ever so much as _looked_ at me, I would die."

"Well, I'm sure she just wants to put it behind her," Lily rationalizes. "After all, we have more important things to be worrying about. How did your exams go?"

"Brilliant, I think," Alice replies confidently. "I _love_ Defense."

"Yeah, well, Lil and I had our Potions exam today," Dorcas says moodily. "We all know how much I love Potions."

"You would do better if you paid attention to Professor Slughorn a bit more and focused less on Marlene McKinnon," Lily reminds her.

Dorcas sticks out her tongue and then sighs. "I can't keep waiting for her to spontaneously admit she's into girls anymore, can I?"

Both Alice and Lily shake their head.

"Fine," Dorcas relents, releasing a dramatic sigh. "I really need a girlfriend, though."

"We'll keep an eye out," Lily assures her with a smirk.

"Whoa," Alice suddenly chirps, sitting upright. "Lily, you might want to go check that out."

Lily props herself up on an elbow, follows Alice's gaze across the grounds. Severus Snape is currently hanging upside down.

"Bloody _Potter_ ," she seethes, rising and brushing off her robes. "Why won't they just leave each other _alone_?"

She stalks off toward James.

"Leave him _alone_!" she shouts.

What happens next is a blur. One minute she's screaming at James to put Severus down and the next Severus is calling her a mudblood.

It's like she's been electrocuted.

And of course, Saint Potter _has_ to come to her rescue, defend her _honor_.

"You're no better than him!" she flares and he seems incredibly hurt.

She just doesn't _care_ anymore and she doesn't _need_ him to force someone to _apologize_ to her.

She doesn't need _saving_.

She doesn't _need_ James Potter _or_ Severus Snape.

She doesn't _need_ anyone.

* * *

 ** _(gotta go my own way)_**

* * *

Later that night Mary alerts her that Severus Snape is waiting for her outside the portrait hole and refuses to leave unless Lily speaks to him.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Alice asks as Lily throws on her robe.

"No, it's just Snape," Lily pacifies her. "I don't expect this to take long."

" _Snape_?" Alice repeats, eyes wide. "Wow, you must be _really_ mad."

"No, Alice," Lily corrects her numbly, "I'm _done_."

He's distressed, angry, desperate and his words slice and puncture and _bruise_.

She knows hers do the same to him, is exhausted from trying, of fighting, of being let down, of empty promises and excuse after _excuse_.

Severus Snape has become toxic.

"You've chosen your way and I've chosen mine," she tells him simply and pretends to not hear his breakdown as she stalks away from him.

* * *

 ** _(the path i've chosen to go)_**

* * *

Instead of returning to her dormitory like she originally planned, Lily takes off to the nearest bathroom, wanting nothing more than to be alone and wallow.

She feels broken as she closes the bathroom door behind her and heads to the sinks. The water is biting hot and tears at her flesh and she hisses, breaking apart the numbness quickly overtaking her.

And suddenly it is all too much for her and she can't take it and she can't _breathe_.

"God, are you having a _panic attack_ or something?"

Lily jumps, instinctually grabbing for her wand. The stall at the very end creaks open and reveals Marlene McKinnon. She leans against the wooden frame casually. A cigarette burns between her two black fingernails, the butt covered in bright red lipstick.

"What, gonna _report_ me?" Marlene mocks, inhaling deeply.

Lily's too exhausted.

"I don't _care_ about you or _what_ you do, Marlene," Lily forces out through her tears.

Marlene saunters over to her, cocks her head to the side, blows out a plume of smoke in Lily's face. Lily coughs, waving. She's half ready to make some sort of retort when Marlene passes her the cigarette.

"Want a smoke?" she offers.

Lily regards the thin white strip and sighs, impulsively takes it from Marlene, inhales, exhales.

"Wow, not as big of a prude as I thought you were," Marlene comments as Lily cringes and passes the cigarette back to her. "First you drink at Potter's party and now this."

Lily switches off the faucet.

"No offense but I really don't give a shit what you think of me," Lily says hollowly.

"That's not true," Marlene laughs, blowing more smoke. "If you really didn't give a shit you wouldn't have made the effort to say 'no offense'."

Lily shrugs.

"I like that about you," Marlene shares, hopping up on the sink's edge, her feet dangling back and forth. "You're nice like that, even when you're mean. I have to respect that."

"I don't feel very nice right now," Lily tells her. "I don't feel much of anything right now, actually."

Marlene offers her the cigarette again but this time Lily shakes her head.

"What's got you so hung up, princess?" Marlene wonders, snuffing out the cigarette in the sink.

"Just ended things with my best friend."

"Who, Alice?"

Lily laughs. "No, Severus Snape, actually. We were best friends for five years."

"The Death Eater wannabe with the greasy hair?"

Lily is _this_ close to defending him, doesn't. It feels _good_ and _freeing._

"That's him."

"I really misjudged you," Marlene admits. "Friends with a Slytherin—that's like super taboo around here."

Lily shrugs.

"You're kinda rad," Marlene tells her.

"Uh, thanks, I think?"

"Come on," she says, jumping off the sinks and heading to the door.

"Uh, what?" Lily says after her.

"Let's get you out of here," Marlene suggests, slinging an arm around Lily's shoulder. "Or would you rather continue your pity party?"

Lily crinkles her brow, follows Marlene out of the bathroom.

"Ever been to the kitchens after hours?" she asks excitedly.

"No."

"If I show you, are you going to get all prefect on me and turn me in?"

Lily smirks.

"No promises."

* * *

 ** _(I bet you gonna ambush me_ _)_**

* * *

Lily boards the train early, Marlene, Dorcas, and Alice in tow. She opens the first compartment and tries to immediately close it but his foot blocks her blow.

"Alright, Evans?"

She stiffens, breathes in through her nose, and keeps walking.

"When are you going to go out with me?" he calls after her.

"Uh, how about _never_?" she returns, finding the next compartment to be empty and quickly slipping inside.

"What is the _deal_ with you and James?" Marlene questions, sitting across from her and propping her legs up on the empty space next to Lily.

"Oh, don't get her started," Alice warns, taking out her crochet and sitting cross-legged in the far corner by the window.

"He _is_ pretty annoying," Dorcas points out. "Even more annoying since he's taken a liking to asking Lily out a hundred times a day."

"So why don't you just go out with him and give him a shot?" wonders Marlene, popping a stick of gum between her harlot red lips.

Lily snorts, pulling her knees up to her chest and raking her brush through her hair.

"Okay, seriously, what am I missing here?" Marlene asks. "He's hot."

"And annoying," Dorcas chimes.

"Pretentious," Lily adds.

"His hair is rather messy," Alice says weakly, shrugging. "Honestly, I like James. Sure, he's got some growing up to do but he's sweet."

Marlene nods at Alice and looks pointedly at Lily, palms up in question. "What's the problem? He's available, you're available. Lord _knows_ you need some action."

"I don't really feel like discussing my hatred of your ex-boyfriend," Lily explains. "So, can we drop it?"

" _Ex-boyfriend_? Oh, _please,_ " Marlene giggles. "James and I never _dated_. We went together once to Hogsmeade and snogged a few times but it was never _serious_."

"No offense but are any of your relationships serious?" questions Alice.

Marlene makes an obscene gesture with her fingers. "No, because I'm young and don't want to be held down. I've got the whole future ahead of me. Why waste it promised to one person for the rest of my life?"

"Don't you ever want that?" Alice wonders. "I mean don't you want a family?"

"Hell no," Marlene cackles. "I'm _way_ to young to even be _thinking_ about that."

Alice hums, clearly the exact opposite, and returns to her crochet. Dorcas lounges, head resting in Lily's lap, sketching.

"Anyway," Marlene continues, turning back to Lily. "It was never serious with me and James. He wanted something more serious, of course, but when I told him I just wanted to keep it casual he told me it was fine because he liked someone else."

Lily raises her eyebrows at this. Dorcas perks up.

"You don't think he was talking about Lily, do you?" Dorcas asks and Marlene shrugs.

"That's what I'm trying to figure out," she says. "Because honestly, princess, you should totally date him if he is talking about you."

"Makes sense that it would be her, doesn't it?" Alice inputs. "I mean, just when you two end things and he claims he's looking for something more serious, he's suddenly asking Lily out?"

Lily grumbles. "Okay, I'm _not_ dating James Potter and that's final. I find him repulsive and smug and conceited. He and I do not get along, we never will. Plus, he doesn't fancy me."

Lily's friends all laugh.

"Okay, genius, so if he doesn't like you why does he keep asking you to date him?" Dorcas snorts.

"To _annoy_ me, obviously," Lily replies. "Now, can we all just shut up about James Potter and focus on the _important_ things like what we're going to _do_ this summer?"

"Find me a girlfriend?" Dorcas suggests.

"I've got some connections," Marlene says. "I'll hook you up, girl."

The girls fall into easy conversation and much to Lily's relief, James Potter is not mentioned again.

* * *

 _End of IV: 1975-1976_

 _Part Three_

* * *

As always, I live only for your feedback, so please leave me a review down below! V: 1976-1977 will be up soon!


	5. Chapter 5

**If I Die Young**

* * *

 **Disclaimer:** I own absolutely nothing from the Harry Potter universe. This fanfiction is written purely for entertainment purposes and nothing more, though all ideas and writing are done by me and belong to me.

 **A/N:** Thanks so much for your reviews! I'm happy to give you the next chapter in this story, so please read and review and let me know what you think!

Enjoy!

—Annie

* * *

 **V**

 _1976-1977_

 _Part One_

* * *

 _I'm gonna put my body first_  
 _And love me so hard 'til it hurts_  
 _I know how to scream out the words_  
 _Scream the words_

 _Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else_

 _—Hailee Steinfeld_

* * *

 ** _(sweet summer sweat)_**

* * *

Lily wakes up early on the last day of June, piles her hair up high on her head in a messy bun, and squeezes herself into a pair of banana yellow running shorts and matching sports bra.

"Going for a run?" asks her father brightly over his morning coffee.

"Thought I'd give it a go before it gets too hot," Lily says, kissing him on the cheek as she bounds out the front door.

She darts through the streets, avoids the park, waves at the elderly couple gardening together several doors down. After her run, Lily returns to her streets just as the sun is rising higher in the sky.

She skids to a stop five houses down from hers and stares at the house with keen interest. A familiar looking boy is in the front lawn, bending down. Lily notices the wand sticking out from his back pocket.

Heart still racing from her run, she darts over to him.

"Hey, it's Frank, right?"

The boy straightens, holding a newspaper in his hands, and blinks at her, takes in the trickles of sweat drenching her skin, the heavy rise and fall of her chest.

"Er, yeah," he responds, swallowing.

"Lily Evans?" she reminds him and he snaps his fingers, his soft brown eyes darting back up to her face.

"Right, yeah, sorry," he laughs, clearly embarrassed. "You look different outside of school. How are you?"

Lily rocks from one foot to the other, feeling jittery. "I'm good, really good. It's been a while."

Frank shrugs, smiling. "Well, I mean, not really. We've had at least one class together every year."

Lily chuckles. "I guess that's true; we've just never talked much."

"Not since you started transferring to all of those advanced courses, smarty pants."

Lily rolls her eyes.

"What are you doing here, in my neighborhood?" she wonders, kicking the sidewalk.

"Just moved in, actually," he answers brightly and Lily's mood skyrockets.

"Really? Oh, that's fantastic," Lily gushes. "It will be nice having another person like me around here."

"We aren't the only magical family in this area," he tells her.

"I know that," she says, brushing her bangs out of her face. "It's just that the closest person in walking distance of me that's like...us...is Severus Snape."

Frank makes a face.

"Exactly," she agrees.

"My parents really love muggles, think they're fascinating," Frank confides.

"They must not be popular among their peers, you being purebloods," Lily guesses and Frank shrugs.

"Does it really matter if they are?" Frank wonders, sticking his hands in his pockets. "After all, we've chosen to live among muggles instead of purebloods."

Lily's lips twitch upward and she shuffles her sneakers against the pebbled rock of his driveway.

"Well, we should hang out sometime," Frank suggests.

Lily nods, smiling widely.

"Anyway, I've got to help my parent's so I should probably head back in," Frank excuses himself and Lily waves him off.

She practically skips the rest of the way home.

* * *

 ** _(i'm hot, sticky sweet)_**

* * *

"Frank _Longbottom_?" Dorcas repeats, looking up from her crossword puzzle from the Daily Prophet. "He used to be steady with Heather Cherity, didn't he?"

The girls are spending the weekend at Dorcas's and are cramped in her bedroom.

"Yeah, they broke up a few months ago. He lives like five houses down from me now, apparently," Lily continues from her spot on the floor. "He's asked me to have coffee with him but I don't know if I'm going to go."

She stretches her hands over her head. Despite not being friends with Emmeline anymore, she still practices meditation and yoga at least once a week.

"He's dreamy," approves Alice, rifling through Dorcas's closet. "Why _wouldn't_ you?"

She plucks out a slinky halter top, holds it up for approval. Lily wrinkles her nose, Dorcas laughs, and Marlene gives her a hearty double thumbs up.

"I just don't know if I'm into the whole dating scene," Lily answers, leaning over to touch her toes. "I don't seem to have very good luck with men."

"You've had _one_ boyfriend, Sunflower," Dorcas points out. "Don't you think it is time you get back out there?"

"And he's _dreamy,"_ Alice says again. "Much nicer than Davey, too."

"Maybe you should date him, then," cracks Marlene toward Alice. "What kind of name is _Longbottom_ anyway? Does he have a long bottom?"

She's sitting crosslegged on Dorcas's queen mattress, tweezing her eyebrows.

" _I_ have a date with Remus Lupin," Alice says and then frowns at the top. "Too much?"

"You don't want to give him the wrong impression," Lily advises.

"Why the hell not?" Marlene scoffs. "I think Alice could do with a little romp in the sack."

Alice blushes, turning to Lily. "I _really_ like him."

"He's very shy," Lily continues, ignoring Marlene completely, "so he probably wouldn't enjoy you coming on too strong."

Marlene snickers, glancing up from her compact mirror. "Alice come on too strong? _Please_. She's like the Virgin Mary."

"There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin, Marlene," Lily defends. "Alice wants to wait, so she'll wait and we'll support her in that."

"Okay, Mother Teresa," Marlene mumbles, returning to her eyebrow shaping.

"Here, wear this," Dorcas suggests, throwing Alice a black tube dress and wedges.

"And this," Lily adds, tossing her a royal blue cardigan.

"And these," Marlene says, chucking Alice a pair of silver hoop earrings.

"But these are yours," Alice protests, scooping up the earrings.

"They'll look better on you," Marlene tells her, winking. "They're my _lucky_ earrings, if you catch my drift."

"We all do," Dorcas tells her, giving her a playful shove. "It's such a shame you like men, Marly. You and I could have had a lot of fun together."

Marlene rolls her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, keep dreaming."

"Okay, how do I look?" Alice asks them seriously, spinning around.

"So pretty," Lily assures her, smiling wide. "He's going to love you."

Remus comes to the door minutes later to pick her up. Lily can see James, Sirius, and Peter spying on him from James's bedroom window.

"Now, remember," Marlene says to Alice as Dorcas walks down the stairs to open the door, "if he spends more than fifty on dinner, you are expected to put out at least a _little_."

Lily chucks a pillow at the blonde and she _finally_ shuts up.

* * *

 ** _(the drum beats out of time)_**

* * *

"I can't believe we've been talking for two hours," Lily admits, glancing out of the shop window at the orange-pink sky.

She traces her index finger along the rim of her coffee cup. Frank smiles broadly at her and he's so very handsome with his chestnut hair and soft, warm brown eyes.

"I can," he says. "You're very easy to talk to. I can't believe we haven't done this sooner."

Lily feels her cheeks warm. Frank checks his wristwatch, sighs, and Lily nods understandingly.

"I know, I need to get going, too. I promised my dad I'd attempt to spend some time with Petunia," Lily says, gathering her purse and rising to her feet.

"I'll walk you home," Frank says, holding the shop door open for her.

He takes her hand, laces their fingers together. They cut over the bridge, crossing the river that divides the main town from Spinner's End. The factory side of town is grimy and dark despite the bright color of the sky, and Lily feels Frank tighten his arm around her protectively.

Lily's heartbeat picks up as they pass the Snape household. The drapes are open to reveal the Snape's library. Lily notices Severus sitting at the window with his nose pressed to a book. He glances up just as Lily shifts her eyes away.

And despite what she feels about Severus Snape now, she twinges with guilt.

"I'd really love to do this again," Frank hints as they turn onto their street and drift past the park.

They pause outside of Lily's house, smiling like utter fools. There's a sudden rap on the front window and Lily glances up to see Petunia silently demanding she come inside.

"I'd really like that, too," Lily tells him.

"Friday?" suggests Frank hopefully.

Lily bites her lip. "I can't, I'm seeing my mother."

Franks nods, disappointed, but then brightens. "What about Saturday?"

Lily frowns. "I'm hanging out with the girls."

"Didn't you just see them?" laughs Frank.

"It's not my fault they plan ahead," Lily says. "I'm free Sunday, though."

"I'm not, unfortunately," Frank sighs, scratching his head. "When are you free next week?"

"Anytime," Lily answers and Frank's smile widens.

"Perfect. Monday?"

"Eager?" Lily jokes.

"Would that be a bad thing if I was?"

Lily blushes, tries to ignore the persistent tapping of Petunia's fingers on the windowpane.

"I'll see you Monday," she tells him and hurries into the house, feeling light on her feet.

"You're late," Petunia says, crossing her arms over her chest.

"And you're rude," Lily counters.

" _Really_ late."

"I didn't realize I was being _timed_ ," Lily says, hanging up her purse on the coat rack. "Have you eaten?"

Petunia glares at her. " _No_. Remember? I have to be supervised."

Lily sighs, drifting to the kitchen with Petunia hot on her heels.

"Pasta okay?"

" _Fine_ ," Petunia answers bitterly.

"You have to at least attempt to practice your steps, Petunia, otherwise you won't get any better," Lily reminds her. "Remember 'food is your friend'."

Petunia glowers at her.

"I've _been_ better," she snips.

"I know, Tuney," Lily sighs tiredly. "I know you have. Let's just keep progressing, okay?"

Petunia remains quiet, glaring heatedly at the pot of boiling noodles.

* * *

 ** _(mama, we're all full of lies)_**

* * *

"I still can't believe you've grown up so much," gushes Lily's mother, embracing her tightly for the seventh time.

Lily swallows roughly as she deposits her teacup in the sink and walks slowly back to the small den where her mother sits patiently, still sipping her tea. She sinks down into the plush cushions of the floral peach couch, rakes in an unsteady breath.

Lily's been there a little under an hour and is already incredibly overwhelmed. She hasn't seen her mother since she was committed to a mental hospital and now she's out, living on her own like nothing's happened and she's perfectly fine.

She's thinner, more _blonde_ too, if that's possible. She's wearing make-up again and her fingernails are a polished ocean blue color as they play with Lily's claret hair.

"Your hair is so _long_ ," her mother continues. "Please, sit. You'll have to forgive the size of the flat."

"It's fine," Lily brushes off, gripping the armrest tightly until her knuckles go white. "It's been a while, Mum. How are you?"

"I know, sweet pea," Lily's mother apologizes, stroking her cheek. "I'm sorry about that. I'm doing a lot better."

"You're staying on top of your medication?" Lily questions.

"On the dot," she assures Lily, winking, but Lily doesn't feel like laughing or joking around and Lily's mother sobers immediately. "I'm still attending private and group therapy, too. I've made lots of friends, Lily. I'm over a year sober."

Lily tries to smile.

"Good, I'm proud of you."

"How's Petunia?"

Lily feels her stomach squirm. It's not her place—Petunia should be the one to talk to her about it, not Lily. There's been _too much_ that she's missed. Lily feels as if she's suffocating, being crushed by the weight of how much _time_ her mother has missed. She's panicked, stricken, _furious_ because her mother keeps acting like nothing has changed, like she hadn't tried to kill herself and leave them in the dust without a word or an explanation, like she hadn't just _disappeared_ off the planet for God knows how long, like it was just yesterday that she was combing Lily's hair back on the beaches of Athens and giving Petunia advice on boys.

"You know, she's Petunia," Lily manages to get out, her throat thick with bottled up emotion. "Anyway, I can't stay long, Mum. I'm meeting a friend."

She told him she'd be busy with her mother today but she suddenly can't concentrate on anything other than running out of this cramped apartment and losing herself in harmless conversation with the eager boy down the street.

"Oh, so soon?" her mother says in disappointment.

"I'll come by next week," Lily promises but her fingers jump at the very thought of it.

"Are you meeting with Emmeline?" inquires Lily's mother.

"A different friend," Lily explains, popping her sour apple chewing gum.

"Severus?"

Lily's blood runs cold. How is she supposed to tell her mother _everything_?

"No, a new friend."

"A new _boy_ friend?" her mother hedges.

Lily forces a smile, smooths her sweaty palms on the ripped material of her denim skirt, pops to her feet.

"His name is Frank," Lily informs her carefully. "He lives down the street and goes to school with me."

"Well, maybe I can meet him sometime?"

Lily sighs, kisses her mother's rouge-caked cheek, reaches for the door, desperate for air, for escape.

"Maybe," she lies. "We'll see, yeah?"

* * *

 ** _(but i'm ready to raise some hell)_**

* * *

The Evans family are an upper-middle class family, one of the few in Cokeworth. They live in the newest model home on the nicest street in their suburban neighborhood, directly two streets away from Spinner's End, the sooty and poverty stricken section of factory workers. Lily grew up with two college educated working parents—Lily's mother had been a secretary for a high-grossing criminal law firm for many years and her father a therapist—and Lily and her sister rarely went without. The family even had two cars—a very rare thing for families in her time—one of which Petunia used mainly for her own transportation.

Except today, Lily's managed to convince her sister to lend her the baby blue Cortina to see their mother, and Lily feels on top of the world.

Until the vents puff out with a harsh gasp of blackened dust and Lily starts to hack. She wrenches down the windows and groans into the sweltering early evening. The Cortina rattles into the Evans driveway just in the nick of time and promptly dies.

"Damn it all to hell," Lily coughs, throwing open the door roughly.

She stalks into the house.

"You're home early," Petunia drawls as she takes in the charcoal dust clinging to Lily's blouse.

Lily promptly tosses the keys at Petunia's puckered face.

"You need to get that blasted car inspected," Lily quips and her sandals _clip-clap_ against the stairs. "It's a _health_ hazard."

Lily rips off her blouse as soon as she enters her room, throws the offending garment in her hamper, and rifles angrily through her closet. She plucks out a sleeveless white button-up, ties it loosely at her waist, smudges Marlene's vermillion lipstick along her lips, rakes a brush through her hair.

"Where are you going?" demands Petunia as Lily bounds back down the steps.

"Out," Lily answers swiftly, yanking open the front door.

"Out _where_?" Petunia presses, grabbing Lily's elbow and squinting at her closely.

"Since when do you care?" Lily grates out, struggling against her sister's grip.

"Since when do you wear lipstick?" counters her older sister.

Lily wriggles free and darts down the porch steps, her hips swaying dangerously as she heads down the block.

She hears the door slam behind her and smirks triumphantly.

She's feeling bold and sexy.

She's _dangerous_.

* * *

 ** _(i'm too hot, hot damn_ _)_**

* * *

Frank is digging up weeds in the front yard when Lily approaches the Longbottom residence. He's shirtless and glistening with sweat and wearing a ball cap over his wavy brown hair. A lawn mower rests abandoned opposite him in the grass, his simple t-shirt strewn over the handle.

"Wow, you and your family take a lot of effort to fit in around here, don't you?" Lily says fondly.

"Lily, what—hey there," he greets awkwardly, wiping the perspiration from his brow with the back of his dirt-covered hand.

"I got back early and thought I'd see if you were free," Lily starts, nervously fiddling with the knot in her shirt.

Frank licks his lips, breathing audibly, his eyes zeroing in on her exposed belly button.

"But if you're busy—"

"No, no," Frank hushes her, shooting up to his feet. "I'm just finishing up."

"Need any help?" she offers.

"Nah, I think I finally got the hang of this ... _thing."_

"It's called a lawn mower, Frank," Lily tells him, tossing him his t-shirt.

"Right," Frank laughs, catches his shirt easily and wipes himself down with it. "Well, figure we should keep up appearances and all. Muggles are nosy folk."

Lily giggles, then cocks her head to the side. "So, you free tonight?"

Frank puffs out a delighted laugh. "Hell yeah. Let me just go get showered."

Lily follows him into his house, admiring him appreciatively from behind.

* * *

 ** _(days are getting long)_**

* * *

Frank's mother takes one look at Lily and immediately shoves a tall glass of iced tea into her hands, introduces herself as "Sherry", and leads her to the kitchen table for some "girl talk".

"Quite the heat wave we're experiencing," Sherry converses easily, smiling sweetly at Lily in a way that _almost_ makes her feel guilty for gawking so opening at her son seconds before.

The pipes groan above them as Frank turns on the shower.

"Frank's told us so much about you," Sherry says and Lily takes a rather large sip of her iced tea.

 _Really?_

"All good things, I would hope," Lily jokes.

In the backyard, Frank's younger sisters squeal as they squirt each other with the watering hose.

"Of course, dear," Sherry chuckles, knotting her chestnut hair on the top of her head. "I'm just so glad Frank has someone from school so close to home. I was worried we would be alienating him moving our family so far away from the wizarding world."

Lily smiles politely, sips her iced tea, tries to calm the jerk of her knee.

The pipes creak as Frank shuts off the shower.

Lily's heart leaps.

* * *

 ** _(_ _darkness descends once more_ _)_**

* * *

Frank and Lily are stopped just on the edge of Spinner's End by a group of three—two men and a woman.

"Frank Longbottom?" the tallest one asks. He's got silvery blond hair and a pointed, haughty face and piercing gray-blue eyes.

"What do you want, Malfoy?" Frank asks, tense at Lily's side.

"Just surprised to see you wandering around here," Lucius Malfoy replies coolly.

"We're just cutting through," Frank tells him stiffly, nodding toward the bridge that leads to the city.

"Hm, well we won't keep you from you _date_ ," Lucius says, sneering down at Lily.

A dark haired woman with heavily hooded eyes croons out a sharp, plastic giggle. It _grates_ against Lily's eardrums. Lily can't help but notice how strikingly similar to Sirius Black the woman looks.

"Fantastic," Frank says, stepping forward.

When Malfoy and his goons refuse to move, Frank grows frustrated.

"What the hell do you want?" he snaps.

"We have a simple proposition for you," says the second man.

"An _offer_ as it were," sing-songs the woman.

"Are you _seriously_ trying to _recruit_ me?" Frank scoffs. "Not interested."

"Don't flatter yourself, Longbottom. We're simply given a list of possible candidates to seek out," Malfoy explains. "You just _happen_ to be on it."

"Death Eaters," Lily bites out, glaring.

She captures the attention of both Lucius Malfoy and his female companion.

"Heard of us, kitten?" Lucius hums, tapping his chin and cocking his head thoughtfully to the side. "Haven't heard of you, I'm certain. I'd remember a face like yours."

"Look, he's already given you his answer," Lily explains heatedly.

"I'm sure he'll reconsider in time," the other man says and Lily glares at his yellowing eyes, "if he's _smart_."

"Are you _dense_?" she flares, stepping forward. "He isn't _interested_. So, kindly shove off."

The woman begins giggling hysterically, clapping her hands in excitement.

"I _like_ this one," she chirps. "Can we have her, Lucius? _Please_?"

Lily blanches, fumbles backward in alarm.

"What do you say, darling?" Lucius offers, sliding toward her, grazing her chin with his icicle spider fingers. "We've just had a spot open up. I'm certain we could use someone with your fire and fearlessness."

"Back _off_ ," she snarls, batting his hand away from her flesh. "I would _never_ join you."

"Lily?"

Lily tenses at her name, notices Severus step out of the shadows. He looks appropriately perplexed.

"You know her, Snape?" asks Lucius in wonder, turns to stare at her once more. " _Lily_."

Her name rolling off of his tongue causes Lily's stomach to fumble, lurching.

"She's in my year," informs Severus. "Gryffindor and a mudblood. You don't want anything to do with her."

"That's _rich_ ," Lily steams, glaring darkly at her former friend.

"Mudblood?" caws the female, gleaming at Lily in disgust. "How repulsive."

"Fuck you," Lily spits, taking a daring step forward.

"Ah, ah, ah," Lucius warns, drawing his wand and pointing it lazily at Lily. "I wouldn't, if I were you."

"I imagine my offer has been revoked," Lily assumes bitterly.

Lucius pauses, lowers his wand slightly, cocks his head to the side again.

"Interestingly enough, I don't think so," he tells her and Lily's heart stammers. She sees Severus twitch. "I'm sure the Dark Lord could spare a spot for you, kitten, with some _convincing_."

"That's it, we're going," Frank says with finality, pulling Lily behind him.

She doesn't glance back as Frank drags her across the bridge, hears that hateful woman's earsplitting laughter.

It seems to follow her, echoing menacingly around her, even as the peel into the city.

* * *

 ** _(my brain is flaming)_**

* * *

They stop at a 1950's themed diner—complete with Elvis Presley crooning from a flashy jukebox in the corner and Audrey Hepburn paraphernalia.

They sink into easy conversation over bubbly grape sodas, order a large basket of curly fries and charred cheeseburgers, and it's almost _too easy_ for Lily to forget the run-in with the Death Eaters and Severus and her panic-inducing meeting with her mother.

Her lipstick stains her straw as she sucks up the last of her soda.

"Want to get out of here?" Frank suggests, staring intently at her brazen lips.

"I know just the place," she answers, pulling him out the back door.

* * *

 ** _(such a sweet surprise)_**

* * *

She leads him to a small lake as the sun begins to set.

"I didn't even know this existed," Frank says, plopping down beside her on the dock.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Lily exhales peacefully, kicking off her shoes and letting the russet-rinsed water gently lap against her toes. "Petunia and I used to come here sometimes."

"Hey, I forgot to ask, how was your visit with your mum?"

Lily kicks her feet against the ripples in the lake in disinterest.

"Fine," she sighs. "No offense, I really don't feel like talking about her right now."

"Okay, what _do_ you feel like talking about, then?" he wonders.

Lily puffs out a nervous breath, licks her vermillion lips.

And she kisses him, her fingers lacing through his wavy chestnut locks. He responds eagerly, one hand slipping through her tresses to grasp the nape of her neck, the other grazing the exposed skin of her back. When she pulls back shyly, smiles uncertainly up at him, he lets out an approving whistle.

"That's the best conversation we've had yet," he comments.

"Well, in that case," Lily whispers, sliding her palm up his thigh, "how's about we talk some more?"

Frank nods happily in agreement and he pulls her promptly on his lap, enveloping her lips with his once more.

* * *

 ** _(i'm higher than a plane_ _)_**

* * *

Lily's father drags Petunia to Surrey for the weekend to visit Grandma Lois. Lily manages to worm her way out of the family trip by staying with Marlene's place in central London with her Muggle mother, Candi.

Marlene shares with Lily that her father left the family when Marlene was ten, disappeared with some stripper and never came back, and that her mother hasn't had a serious relationship since.

And it goes fine for the first night—Lily introduces Marlene to the musical wonders of Led Zeppelin, they paint each other's toenails while discussing _Witch Weekly_ articles, and Marlene teaches Lily how to play poker.

Yes, it goes fine, until Candi declares she has the night shift at the pub she works at, won't be back till early in the morning, leaves them in a cloud of smoke. It's _fine_ before Candi's current squeeze, Leon—all tattoos and muscles—arrives and makes himself at home in Marlene's bedroom.

"Poker's boring," he complains, passing around his tray of homemade brownies. "What we should _really_ be playing is _strip_ poker."

Of course, Marlene is all game and Lily can't help but agree, too, because she's had like _three_ of Leon's brownies and is feeling strange and prickly and _giddy_ and _hungry_.

Lily doesn't even realize something's off until Marlene's down to her knickers and bra and Leon's leering at her like some lust-filled cretin and she's reciprocating his slick tongue in her mouth and he's removing her bra and she's raking her teeth against his thick neck and he's releasing a pleasure-filled moan that pulls at something in Lily's lower abdomen.

"Hello, right here," Lily mutters, feeling warm.

"You're more than welcome to join, pet," Leon accommodates, ushering Lily over.

"I'm leaving," Lily announces, grabbing her overnight bag from the end of Marlene's occupied bed.

Marlene sits up, arm over her breasts and eyes wide and dilated and glazed over. "I'll call you later, yeah?"

Lily rolls her eyes at her wild-child friend. "Yeah, whatever, Marly. Have fun."

She knows the appropriate thing to feel would be annoyance but she isn't annoyed with Marlene.

She feels _good_ and all she can think about is _food_ and how she imagines Frank might sound if _she_ bites _his_ neck.

* * *

 _ **(i don't wanna land)**_

* * *

It's midnight when Frank manages to sneak over to Lily's house. She pulls him up to her bedroom with a bottle of her dad's finest white Zinfandel and a box of cold pepperoni pizza.

There's uncontrollable laughter perched on her tonsils and jitterbugs in her veins

"It's, like, _so_ hot," she giggles, fanning herself.

She's in nothing but her undergarments and an oversized Led Zeppelin t-shirt and she's _sweating_.

"I guess?" Frank attempts but Lily doesn't believe him because he's still in trousers and a _quarter sleeve shirt_ , isn't he _dying_?

"No, it's _so hot_ , I'm going to _die_ ," she insists, peeling off her Zeppelin dress so that she's only in her bra and panties.

Frank suddenly loses it over the bottle of Zinfandel, coughing and sputtering violently, sweet nectar spraying out like a fountain from between his lips. He peers down at her slippery thighs, at her heaving and glistening breasts. Frank clears his throat, tugging at the collar of his shirt.

"My birthday is tomorrow," Frank tells her offhandedly.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" she accuses and he shrugs.

"I don't know, I guess I didn't really think about it. Actually, since it's past midnight, I guess it's already considered my birthday."

Lily stares at him and wonders distantly how someone can be so unbelievably _beautiful_. She wings her legs so that she's straddling his lap and his breath hitches in his throat.

"What are you doing?" he whispers.

"Giving you your birthday present," she purrs.

Like a match has been struck, she's kissing him hotly and like he's been caught on fire like a puddle of pining gasoline, he's locking his fingers through her tangled hair and she's ripping his shirt over his mess of chestnut hair and he's groping hungrily at her chest and she feels something dangerous and exciting and _new_ erupt in her abdomen.

It occurs to her that her friends are right about Frank and he _is_ better than Davey. _So_ much better.

She nibbles on his ear, trails her tongue down his neck, sucks hard on his flesh, feels something sharp and cackling ignite inside when he throws his head back against the wall and groans loudly into her hair.

"I think I should head home," Frank pants and when Lily shifts off of his lap, she's more than aware of why he's trying to cool them off. "I don't want things to go too far. I really like you, Lily."

"I like you, too," she admits, watching him pull his shirt over his head.

It scares her how fast she's falling for him.

* * *

 ** _(I'm turning red in the face)_**

* * *

"I'm _so_ sorry, Lil, _really._ "

It's the following morning and Marlene's sitting across from Lily on her couch. She's brought her apology cupcakes laced with bright magenta frosting and rainbow sprinkles.

"For the hundredth time, Marly, it's _fine_ ," Lily repeats, patting the blonde's hand. "But no offense, I don't think I can trust eating sweets from your place for a long time."

Marlene giggles in sympathy. "Yeah, I didn't realize Leon's special ingredient was _pot_ , either."

Lily stands, stretches. "I was kind of intense last night. I should probably head over to Frank's place and apologize for my behavior."

Marlene's eyebrows shoot up to her hairline. "Whoa, what did I miss?"

"Oh, you know, just me throwing myself at him like some drunken slob."

Marlene gasps. "Oh my _God_ , you two didn't—"

" _No_ ," Lily mutters harshly, embarrassed. "He was quite the gentleman."

"Are you going over there now?"

Lily nods. "Make yourself at home. My dad and Petunia won't be back until tomorrow night so you can stay over if you want."

"Sweet," Marlene agrees. "Don't worry, I won't have any guys over this time, I swear. Bring Frank a cupcake and tell him happy birthday for me."

Lily takes the offered cupcake and heads out the door to the Longbottom residence. She knocks and stands back, plastering a sweet smile to her face in preparation of Sherry opening the door.

Instead, Lily feels her smile melt off of her face like heated wax as the door opens.

Because Heather Cherity is standing in the doorway, blinking at Lily with friendly, unsuspecting eyes.

"Uh, hi," Lily greets dumbly. "Is Frank ... here?"

"Oh, Lily, wow. Frank didn't tell me he was expecting guests. Yeah, let me go grab him real quick," Heather chirps, bouncing into the foyer. "Oh, Frankie! You've got a visitor."

Heather turns back to Lily. "He'll be right down."

Lily scuffs her sandal against the cement of Frank's porch. "Er—cool, thanks. What are you doing here, Heather?"

"I'm here to see, Frank, silly," Heather giggles, twirling the end of her strawberry blonde braid around her index finger. "It's his _birthday_."

"I know," Lily says, holding up the pink cupcake.

"Oh, you're so sweet," Heather chimes.

Frank appears in the doorway, clears his throat when he notices Lily gawking helplessly at Heather, glances between them.

"Hey, Lily," Frank says, scratching his neck. "Heather, can I have a second with Lily?"

Heather hums, pats him fondly on the shoulder, and closes the door behind her.

"I didn't expect your ex-girlfriend to be answering your front door," Lily explains lamely, holding up the cupcake.

Frank cough. "Yeah, she—er—well, she just stopped by this morning unexpectedly," he explains, tugging at a loose threat on his shirt.

"Huh, well, I brought you a birthday/apology cupcake."

"Apology?" Frank questions.

"For my behavior last night," Lily informs him. "I accidentally ingested three pot brownies from Marlene's mum's boyfriend last night at her place without my knowledge and mixing them with alcohol was _not_ a good idea. I'm really sorry for all of that. I'm usually not so _forward_ or irresponsible."

Frank chuckles. "I could tell something wasn't right with you."

She spots Heather in the window, spying on them curiously.

"Anyway, I just wanted to come by and say that," Lily finishes awkwardly. "Like I said, I didn't think you would have company, so—"

Frank clears his throat. "Look, Lily, we should probably talk."

Lily feels something in her stomach drop. Her heart slams to a halt.

"That doesn't sound good," Lily says dryly.

"Well, it's just that Heather—Merlin, how do I say this?—she wants to get back together, but you and I have been hanging out a lot—"

Lily's lips part, her jaw drops, her eyes flash to the window, stare straight at Heather Cherity.

"Are you _joking?"_ Lily half-gasps half-laughs. "Is that what we've been doing, Frank— _hanging_ out?"

"I mean, it's not like we've made it official yet," Frank points out. "That's what I'm trying to talk to you about—"

"No, I get it," Lily cuts him off. "You dated Heather seriously for over a year, she breaks up with you, you and I go out for coffee. She suddenly comes back into your life and suddenly you and I are just _hanging out_."

"Lily, I know how it sounds but I really _like_ you—"

"Just save it, Frank," Lily growls. "You're back with your ex and I'm just a rebound—"

"You are _not_ just a rebound, Lily—"

"—and now that she's decided she wants you back, you're seeing me off," Lily finishes bitterly. "That's real classy."

" _Lily_ , if you'd just let me _explain_ —"

"Just give it to me straight, Frank!" Lily exclaims. "Are you back with Heather or not?"

Frank stammers. "That's what I'm trying to _talk_ to you about, because I really like you and we haven't had the chance to talk about where this is going so I haven't been able to give her an _answer_ yet."

Lily snorts, can't believe what she's hearing. She rears up, breathes in deeply through her flared nostrils.

"So, basically, you're saying you want me to _decide_ for you whether you should be with me or her," Lily deadpans. " _That's_ hysterical."

Frank blinks, grapples for words. Lily holds up her hand to stop him.

"Listen, I like you, Frank, and it's been an awesome summer _hanging out_ ," Lily shares, shrugging, "but you need to figure your shit out, man. I'm nobody's second choice and I'm not going to _convince_ you to date me. Let me know when you're ready for the real deal. Until then, enjoy your girlfriend and have a happy birthday."

She tosses the cupcake over her shoulder and hears it _splat_ on the pavement behind her.

* * *

 ** _(summer days drifting away)_**

* * *

The heat wave continues into late August.

"I really can't even believe that happened," Alice says disappointedly, perching her chin on the side of Dorcas's pool and kicking her feet out behind her.

"Oh, believe it, girlfriend," Marlene scoffs from where she's splayed out on her towel, tanning lotion at her feet. "She came home _fuming,_ destroyed all my bloody cupcakes."

"Those poor cupcakes," Dorcas moans in sympathy. "They just wanted some lovin'."

"Yeah, so did Lily," Marlene laughs.

Alice stares at Lily sadly. "Now I feel bad for having a boyfriend."

Lily splashes her with her foot from the edge of the pool where she's seated.

"Don't even," she tells Alice. "Just because things with me and Frank didn't work out doesn't mean I can't be happy for you and Remus. I'm not _petty_. Besides, I don't think I even _want_ a serious relationship right now."

Alice smiles. "Good, because things are _amazing_ right now."

"Who would've thought _we'd_ all be single and Alice the Virgin is in a serious relationship," Marlene grumbles and both Alice and Lily splash a wave of water onto her browning back.

"Hellllooooo, ladies."

Lily groans, craning her neck. She sees Sirius sauntering over to the pool. He sinks down next to Marlene.

"Need someone to lotion up your back?" he purrs suggestively.

"Actually, yeah," Marlene says, popping open her tanning lotion and passing it to Sirius. "And if you could get my legs and glutes, too, that would be just _spiffy_."

Sirius nearly wets himself.

"Cannonball!"

Suddenly, Lily is drenched, coughing and sputtering. Alice is shoved rather roughly into the pool's edge and Marlene grumbles as her towel becomes soaked. Dorcas just laughs hysterically, high-fiving James Potter as he emerges from the depths of the pool, shaking his mess of black hair.

"Nice one, James," Dorcas approves. "We've just been having the most _depressing_ gossip session."

"Appropriately so," Alice defends. "Lily's just been dumped!"

James notices Lily's frown, the way her nostrils flare and her shoulders hunch.

"I was not _dumped_ ," Lily corrects. "Nothing _happened_ in the first place."

"Tough break, Evans," James says in sympathy, swimming over to her. "Seems to me you need some cheering up."

His hands snake up her ankles though the water and curl up her thighs.

"Potter, what are you—?"

She only then notices the glint in his hazel eyes, the way his fingers tighten around the meat of her thighs and begin to pull.

"Don't you _dare_ —" she begins.

He answers her threat with a crooked smirk and tugs her under water. When she breaks the surface, she's gasping and _furious_.

"Potter, put me _down_!" she demands, whacking him and trying to wriggle off his shoulder.

When did he become so _strong?_ She can't help but notice the way his muscles flex beneath the surface of his skin or the freckles strewn over his back and shoulders.

"As you wish," he gives in and before Lily knows it, he flips her backward off his shoulder and she's under the water once more.

She hollers as she emerges from the water and flings herself on his back, determined to absolutely _drown_ the bloody bastard, but he just laughs, stiffens his upper torso, and knocks her off of him with skilled ease.

"Alright, Evans?" he wonders, chuckling at the way her hair clings to her face and her mascara bleeds onto her cheeks.

"Don't _smile_ ," Lily grumbles at him. "You didn't succeed in your mission to cheer me up. In fact, you failed rather horribly, considering now I'm raging mad."

James shrugs, pulls her close so that she feels his hard stomach against her fingertips, and for one second of pure insanity she thinks he might _kiss_ her—

"No, but at least I helped you forget what you were originally upset about," he whispers and it's like a shock to her spine.

She clenches, her blood pumps hot and wild in her throat, and something _molten_ pools between her legs, jolting through her abdomen in a way that makes Lily gasp.

And before she can process these new feelings, he's flinging her over his shoulder and flipping her into the water again.

* * *

 _End of V: 1976-1977_

 _Part One_

* * *

As always, I live only for your feedback, so please leave me a review down below! VI: 1976-1977 Part Two will be up soon!


	6. Chapter 6

**If I Die Young**

* * *

 **Disclaimer:** I own absolutely nothing from the Harry Potter universe. This fanfiction is written purely for entertainment purposes and nothing more, though all ideas and writing are done by me and belong to me.

 **A/N:** Thanks so much for your reviews! I'm glad to see so much feedback and your thoughts. To my readers that are following my other stories, don't worry, I haven't abandoned them just for this one, I promise. You will see updates very soon, I assure you, just give it some time!

As for this story, this is a great stress reliever and just _so_ fun to experiment with. It's so new and different and I'm really excited about it.

I'm happy to give you the next chapter in this story, so please read and review and let me know what you think!

Enjoy!

—Annie

* * *

 **VI**

 _1976-1977_

 _Part Two_

* * *

 _I'm young, I know_ , _b_ _ut even so_  
 _I know a thing or two, I learned from you_  
 _I really learned a lot, really learned a lot_  
 _Love is like a flame, it burns you when it's hot_

 _Love hurts_

 _—Nazareth_

* * *

 ** _(i'll play the game and never lose)_**

* * *

"You know that Sirius Black is considering you as his next conquest?" Alice converses over breakfast in the Great Hall.

Marlene proudly puffs out her chest, still two buttons away from being even remotely modest, and runs her fingers tantalizingly through her blonde hair.

"Is that _right_?" she mews, meeting Sirius's glinting eyes as he saunters over to the table.

"He's just going to play you like everyone else," Lily advises her futilely. "As soon as he shags you, he's onto the next one."

She glances up from her class schedule—she's taking Divination as an elective this year with Marlene's pleading and has signed up for an extracurricular art class with Dorcas, who claims the photography segment of the course will only benefit Lily on her way to becoming a diversely skilled journalist.

"Who's shagging you, Evans?"

Lily rolls her eyes up to the enchanted ceiling, crumples her schedule into her bag, and glances at him briefly before nicking the editorial page of the _Daily Prophet_ from Alice. "Not _you_ , Potter, so keep dreaming."

James shoots her a wicked grin, slips in across from her. "Oh, I will."

"You're disgusting," Lily mutters. "Why don't you get an actual girlfriend and stop living with my imaginary one?"

James winks at her. She notices then that he's cut his hair. Gone is the mop of untidy windswept hair that falls into his eyes and in its place is a crisp, shorter style that shows off angular points of his jaw.

And _damn_ he looks good.

"Is that _stubble_?" she wonders out loud.

James scratches his chin. "You like?"

Lily swallows harshly because _yes_ , she very much _does_ like.

* * *

 ** _(time to crash into the sun)_**

* * *

Lily and Severus are partnered in Potions at the beginning of term and Lily isn't having it—not this year. She's determined to make this school year the _best._

When Severus sits down next to her smelling of coal dust and familiarity, she just can't _deal_ with it.

 _Mudblood._

It _pains_ her to be near him now. They're both so dramatically _different_. To think they were best friends this time last year makes her stomach rile violently.

She reminisces back to when partnering with Severus would have been the highlight of her morning, recognizes just how much she's changed.

"Professor Slughorn," she calls urgently, snapping her hand high in the air and flagging him down mercilessly from where he's positioned over Sirius Black's cauldron.

"A question, my dear?" the older man wonders happily, readily speeding over to her.

"Not much of a question, sir, more a complaint," Lily tells him, being careful not to even glance at the boy next to her. "I refuse to work with Severus Snape, Professor."

"Real mature," she hears Severus mutter angrily under his breath.

"But the seating chart has already been set," argues Slughorn, blinking rapidly as if it will help him understand her sudden moodiness.

"I'm sorry, Professor, I simply am not comfortable working with him for the rest of the term," Lily says.

By now the entire Potions class is staring at the exchange and she can practically _feel_ Severus's teeth grating against each other.

"I understand completely if you can't switch the chart," Lily continues, "but if that's the case I am going to have to discuss switching to your other Advanced Potions class."

Slughorn sputters. "But my other period is completely full, certainly you must know that."

Lily scrapes her chair against the hard floor as she stands, grabbing her bag.

"Well, I don't _need_ Potions," she finally says, shrugging. And it's true—she plans on becoming a journalist and Potions is not a core requirement. Really, the only reason she chooses to remain in Potions is because of Professor Slughorn. "I can just take up Ancient Runes instead."

Flabbergasted over the possibility of losing his star pupil, Slughorn grabs her arm. "Okay, okay. Let me just look at my chart and see who would be up to your merit of partner."

"Oh, really?" Lily simpers, squeezing his arm gratefully. "Thank you _so_ much."

He partners her with James Potter, instead.

"No, professor," Lily nearly laughs, "I really don't think that is a good idea—"

"Miss Evans, Mr. Potter is the only other person I can fathom in this class that can match up to your potential without it seeming unfair," Professor Slughorn explains. "It is either Mr. Potter or Mr. Snape."

The entire class seems to be holding their breath, awaiting her decision. She hears James's foot pit-pattering against the tile, a nervous twitch of restless leg syndrome. Severus remains stone cold silent, frozen.

"Fine," Lily spits out and the entire class exhales with relief. " _Potter_."

James cackles in triumph and Sirius claps him on the back. She doesn't _dare_ look back over at Severus because she can _feel_ his glare slicing into the back of her head and knows it's the ultimate slap in his face. She's picked James Potter—the bigheaded toe-rag—over him.

"Mr. Black, if you please, I've decided to switch some pairings around," Slughorn says, gesturing to the empty seat by Severus. "If you would kindly go sit with Mr. Snape—"

"You have _got_ to be joking," Sirius barks, outraged. "I can't be partnered with _that_!"

"Presently, Mr. Black," Slughorn ignores him. "The longer you wait to get your potion started, the more likely you are to fail your assignment."

When she sits down, James is happily shocked.

"Got a thing for me, do you, Evans?"

"No, actually, as strange as that might seem to fit through that over-sized and incredibly bloated head of yours."

"I always knew you liked me."

"Potter, I do not _like_ you, in any way," she assures him, slamming her Potions text onto the table. "I simply hate you less than Snape these days."

"Bloody amazing," James laughs. "This year is going to be bloody amazing."

"Shut up, Potter," Lily finally grates, dumping a container of frozen dragonflies into his lap. "We've got work to do. Believe me, if you cause me to fail _any_ of my assignments, I will _castrate_ you."

When class lets out, Sirius drags himself miserably over to James and Lily as they exit the classroom.

"Sirius, I just wanted to apologize for the way things turned out in Potions," she says. "I never intended you to be forced to work with Snape."

Sirius stares at her in awe, blinking.

"Potter, we should schedule a time to meet to work on our project," Lily alerts James. "Tuesday evening work for you?"

She prances off down the corridor to meet up with Marlene.

"Has she gone off her rocker—I mean was that really _Evans_?" she hears Sirius wonder.

* * *

 ** _(speak to me)_**

* * *

Marlene is slung over the common room couch nearest the fire when Lily trickles down the stairs, her Divination homework forgotten in a pile at her feet.

"Going to go party with dear ol' Sluggy?"

Lily smiles, twirling toward the portrait hole. "Yes, I am."

"You seem a little too excited to be hanging out with a teacher," Marlene points out.

Lily chuckles. "I've never been a part of a club before."

"Oo, big deal," Marlene mocks good-naturedly, "you get to be a part of the exclusive Slug Club. You are _such_ a nerd."

Lily sticks her tongue out at her friend, tosses her hair over her shoulder. "I'll see you later!"

"I won't wait up," Marlene calls after her.

The Slug Club meets in Slughorn's office around a large wooden table he's set up. They dine on artesian sweets and discuss politics and school gossip and their ambitions for future careers.

Frank Longbottom, Heather Cherity, and Regulus Black are in attendance, much to Lily's dismay, but so are Remus Lupin, Benjy Fenwick, and Alice Robinson—she's not familiar with the Hufflepuff boy, the Ravenclaw girl, or the other Slytherin boy.

"Lily, good to see you," Frank greets as Lily takes her seat next to Alice.

"Hello, Frank," Lily greets politely, slipping a silk napkin onto her lap. "How was your summer?"

She notices Heather worm her fingers through Frank's possessively and snickers, glancing knowingly at Alice. It is no secret that Heather feels threatened by Lily and her former closeness to her current boyfriend.

"It was _great_ ," Heather answers for him. "We spent a week with my family at the beach."

"Huh, that's groovy," Lily says, disinterested. "Well, good talking to you, _Frank_."

She happily loses herself in conversation with Remus and Alice and it's almost _too_ easy to forget that Frank and Heather are mere seats away and that makes her _proud_ of herself.

* * *

 ** _(everybody wants a taste)_**

* * *

Lily finds herself alone on her trip to Hogsmeade.

She is the only one out of her group of friends that doesn't have a date or a significant other and each of her friends, one by one, has wandered off to do their separate things. She's positive Dorcas would have accompanied her but she's decided to stay behind to play teacher's pet and volunteer _extra credit hours_ in their evening art class—she's probably trying seduce their gorgeous art instructor as we speak.

Although she isn't thrilled with being ditched, Lily decides to make the best of her trip and makes a pit stop at the local post office to send out a letter to her father before wandering over to Honeydukes. She leaves the sweet shop with a heavy bag of sugar quills, peppermint cream toads, licorice wands, and a pumpkin pasty—her sweet tooth is out of control today—and stations herself in a lonely but cozy nook in Tomes and Scrolls bookshop with a thermos of warm pumpkin and cinnamon spice tea and her History of Magic textbook.

When her eyes begin to droop and her stomach starts to complain on the lack of it retaining anything other than sugar, Lily stuffs her textbook and supply of sweets in her bag, clasps the thermos closed, and heads over to the Three Broomsticks for some real food.

"What can I get you, love?" wonders Rosmerta.

"A pulled hog sandwich, a side of crisps, and some gillywater, please," orders Lily tiredly, collapsing onto one of the rotating barstools.

A young man plops into the seat next to her, drumming his fingers on the wooden counter.

"Are you certain you are going to be able to eat all of that?"

Lily makes a face, swivels her stool to the right, and curiously searches the face of the young man next to her. She doesn't recognize him from school and he seems significantly older than the student body buzzing around them.

"I'm sure I can manage, thanks," Lily tells him, slightly insulted and not feeling sociable in the slightest.

"I don't mean to offend," he rushes to assure her, scratching at his 5 o'clock shadow. "It's just that most girls I meet round here that look the way you do, order a salad or some organic _fish_ _tail_ shit."

Lily thanks Rosmerta gratefully when she returns with her meal and says to him, "Well, I'm certain I'm not like most girls you meet."

"I can definitely agree with that. Let me buy you a drink," the man offers, edging closer to Lily.

"No, thank you," Lily declines politely, gesturing to her glass of gillywater.

He turns up his nose at her glass, shakes his head. "You don't seem like the type of girl that would enjoy gillywater."

Lily takes a loud, crunchy bite of her crisp. "Well, I do."

"You seem like more of a _firewiskey_ bird," he comments and Lily sighs, ignores him, hopes he takes the hint and she doesn't have to be rude.

Something about him makes her very unsettled, especially when he flags down the barkeep and orders two shots of firewhiskey, slides one down to her, and grazes his pinky against Lily's.

"So, you a student?"

Lily bites her lip, snatches her hand away from his, and searches the proximity for anyone she might know.

"No," she lies and tucks a strand of crimson hair behind her ear.

"Well, I've never seen you around here before," he notes. "What's a pretty little thing like you doing in a small town like this?"

"I'm visiting my boyfriend, actually," Lily fibs, fiddling with a crisp.

"Looks like he's stood you up, pet," the man states, sliding his arm around Lily's waist in a way that makes Lily prickly. "Which means you are fair game, in my book."

She's seconds away from ripping the guy's arm out of its socket when someone interrupts them. The other man coughs, straightens, scoots backward.

"I'm _so_ sorry I'm late, sweetheart," apologizes Sirius, pecking Lily on the lips. "It's a madhouse out there with all the students."

Lily laces her fingers through Sirius's and smiles gratefully up at him. "Oh, that's fine, darling, but I was starved. I ordered already, I hope you don't mind."

Sirius plants a kiss on her temple. "Not at all, sweetums."

When the man doesn't make a move to leave, Sirius glares at him pointedly.

"Now, as much as I'd like to watch you slobber on my girlfriend some more, I think it would be smart for you to get a move on, mate."

The man snorts, downs his shot of firewhiskey, and shoves roughly past Sirius to prey on another lonely female.

"Bloody hell, that was easier than I expected. For a second there, I thought I was going to have to fight him," Sirius exhales loudly, settling down in the abandoned seat next to Lily.

"I was about ready to do the same, honestly," Lily admits, punching him lightly on the shoulder. "Thanks for that."

"Well, you looked pretty uncomfortable and I couldn't help but overhear," Sirius tells her, shrugging. "Don't worry, you don't need to lecture me on some feminist theory; I wasn't trying to _save_ you. I know you can take care of yourself. Really, I was just trying to save a fellow bloke the embarrassment of getting his arse handed to him by a fiery little thing like you."

Lily releases a loud, unexpected laugh. "I'm sure he greatly appreciates your sacrifice. Where's your pack?"

"You mean James?" he guesses, raising his eyebrows suggestively at Lily.

"And Remus and Peter," adds Lily, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Moony is studying and I escaped Wormtail about fifteen minutes after Prongs ditched us for that Jones bird," Sirius explains grumpily. "I can't really tolerate Wormtail by myself most days for more than an hour. He's _clingy_ and laughs at, like, everything I say."

" _Hestia_ Jones?" clarifies Lily and Sirius nods. "So, what, are they dating now?"

"Doubt it," Sirius coughs. "Prongs hardly ever pays much attention to girls other than you these days. It's rather boring, actually."

Lily rolls her eyes.

"But now that you mention it, she _has_ been spending more time round him lately," Sirius muses, then grows horrified. "Oh my God, you don't think they're dating, do you, Evans?"

Lily snorts into her gillywater and pats him on the shoulder. "Oh, _Padfoot_ , I think you've been replaced. Your nicknames are so stupid, by the way. Where do they even come from?"

"Hey, it's not so bad," Sirius defends. "What would be _your_ nicknames for us, then?"

Lily ponders for a moment, cocks her head to the side, smirks. "Well, for Potter I would probably go with _Idiot Prat Toe Rag_ , for Peter —I don't know, _Pete_?"

Sirius releases a stream of unattractive giggle-snorts.

"For Remus, I already have a nickname for him. I call him _Reme_ ," Lily says proudly and Sirius chuckles again.

" _Reme_? Like a _ream_ of paper? Like he's going to _ream_ you?"

Lily glares at him as he snickers, breathing out loudly after each laugh he releases. "And your nickname, Black, will be— _Snuffles_."

He blanches, stares at her incredulously. " _Snuffles_?"

She nods in triumph.

"That's heinous," he whines. "You're horrible at this."

Sirius grumbles at her, reaches over to Lily's shot of firewhiskey with determination, stares at it curiously. "Don't think that bloke tampered with it, do you?"

Lily's eyes narrow as Sirius shrugs and tilts the liquid down his throat anyway. "If I start hallucinating, you're responsible for bringing me to the hospital wing."

"Copy that," Lily agrees, sliding over her plate of hog sandwich and crisps to him. "Help me eat this, will you, Snuffles? My appetite is significantly less present now."

* * *

 ** _(read between the lines)_**

* * *

All Hestia can talk about in their Divination class is her Hogsmeade escapade with James Potter.

"He took me to Madam Pudifoot's," Hestia brags to Mary MacDonald and Emmeline Vance, trailing her finger along the side of her crystal ball.

"I know for _certain_ that was her idea," Lily gossips to Marlene from several tables away.

"How would you know that?" Marlene snorts. "Were you on their date with them?"

"No, but I know James Potter," Lily tells her. "He _detests_ that tea shop with the hatred of a thousand burning suns. He would never ask someone there."

"I'm sure he would if there was some hot action in it for him," Marlene protests, nodding her head toward Hestia. "I mean, come on. Just look at her."

"Exactly," Lily says. "She's gorgeous and she asked Potter to go to the tea shop with her so they could have some _private_ time away from his mates, and he begrudgingly took the bait. It wasn't his idea, I guarantee it."

"Right, because you are _all-knowing_ ," Marlene mocks, waving her fingers above Lily's crystal ball. "What does your inner-sanctum predict next, princess?"

"Inner- _eye,_ actually, and it predicts that if you don't stop making fun of me, I'm going to cover you in boils," Lily threatens, jabbing her wand playfully into Marlene's ribs.

* * *

 ** _(it's not so bad)_**

* * *

Lily heaves a grateful yawn when they are dismissed from their evening air class. She stuffs her sketchbook and wand into her bag and waits patiently for Dorcas to gather her supplies. They are the last to exit the art room and Dorcas's coffee eyes linger a dangerous second too long on their sultry instructor as they pass.

"Have a good evening, Professor Chen," Dorcas simpers, batting her long lashes against her bright and shimmery orange eye makeup.

Professor Chen brushes her silky black hair over her shoulder and catches Dorcas's eye.

"Good evening to you two, as well," the beautiful Japanese woman says. "Oh, and Dorcas, can I still expect to see you tomorrow evening to go over your project with you?"

"Absolutely," vows Dorcas.

They share a secret smile that makes Lily's stomach squirm.

"Uh, Dor, what was that about?" Lily attempts as they head down the corridor to the grand staircase.

"Hmm? Oh, you know us artists—always getting blocked on new ideas," Dorcas explains, waving Lily's question away as if it's nothing. "Aimee—I mean, Professor Chen—is just helping me figure out what my art project is going to be."

Lily frowns suspiciously, can tell Dorcas obviously isn't going to budge, and decides to drop it.

"So, what's this I hear about you and Sirius snogging at Madam Pudifoot's?" questions Dorcas in a high-pitched chirp.

"Merlin's _pants_ , is that not over with yet? It was _weeks_ ago. Why can no one can get their rumors right?" Lily grumbles, completely distracted. "I didn't _snog_ Sirius Black, nor did we ever set foot near that horribly cliche tea shop. Every single time I enter inside that blasted shop, I nearly have an asthma attack from the thick clouds of perfume."

"And incense," adds Dorcas.

"Don't forget the candles," Lily complains.

"Oh, and let's not forget the endless batches of rose scented tea around Valentine's Day," continues Dorcas.

"Right? Bloody awful," Lily agrees, shuddering at the very thought.

"Okay, stop distracting me with our mutual hatred of cliche tea shops," Dorcas accuses, pinching Lily lightly on the arm. "Where's this rumor coming from?"

"I was being hit on by some wanker and Sirius blew him off for me," Lily explains and when Dorcas folds her arms and purses her lips together, Lily adds, "Okay, okay, I also might have shared my meal with him."

" _What_?" Dorcas coughs out.

"Well, I'd lost my appetite!" Lily defends, feeling her face go hot as she stares at her friend. "What is that face? _What_ are you thinking?"

Dorcas hums, winking at her. "Oh, nothing, only that I find it kind of endearing."

Lily rolls her eyes.

"Couldn't help but notice that you called him _Sirius_ , too, and not _Black_ or _Idiot Number Two._ "

"Yeah, well, he's not so bad when he's on his own," Lily says.

She can't even believe she said that.

* * *

 ** _(w_ _hen the full moon turns white_ _)_**

* * *

She's out past curfew.

The moon is high and full in the dark, inky sky above her, reaching out to sooth her with milky white hands. Orange and brown leaves crunch under her feet as she strolls down the lane, past the lake and on toward the lazy, thick branches of the Whomping Willow. The playful evening wind toys with her wine colored hair, licks in sympathy at the tears on her flushed, cold cheeks.

She didn't know how to react when she ran into Frank Longbottom in the library, hadn't intended to start crying immediately after departing from him, didn't expect her feet to drag her outside for gulps of fresh, chilly air.

Really, there's no reason for her tears—they had a perfectly pleasant conversation for the first time since the school year started and Lily had laughed loudly and uninhibited and they had parted with an awkward side-hug like the oldest of pals.

And it felt so _good_ to feel his muscles flex momentarily under her hands and his breath hitch warmly along her neck as he inhaled her perfume.

She doesn't _want_ to admit she's feeling sorry for herself or that she's starting to feel the sharp sting of loneliness.

It's just that she didn't realize how much she's _missed_ him and she's not prepared with what the _means_.

Just then, she hears a branch snap and a shudder rake over her spine. For the first time, she's alert enough to realize the situation she's stumbled blindly into.

Lily blinks in alarm at the earsplitting howl that erupts ahead of her, goes rock rigid, her shoes sticking to the damp grass. Her breaths puff out in urgent, rushed clouds of silvery mist. The fingers clutching her wand are numb at her side and she's panting and _pleading_ —

It's his eyes that she notices first—bright green and _familiar_ and flecked with gold, pupils dilated to wide black slits and stricken with _hunger._ A surge of adrenaline floods her system, making her jittery and hyper-aware of every terrifying detail of the creature ahead of her.

A low growl tumbles from his long, lumpy throat and the intake of air inhaled through his snout is loud and _greedy_.

She _thinks_ she sees his long tongue graze his bared, sharp teeth, but the creature is bathed in the shadow of the large tree and Lily's eyes are _shaking._

"Do—Don't—" she stumbles over her words as he begins to approach her, hesitantly lifting her wand when he refuses to follow direction. "Remus—please, don't. Reme, please—I don't want to hurt you—I know—I know you can hear me—"

She doesn't even hear her own bloodcurdling scream over his answering howl and backs urgently away in utter _panic_ and she can't—

Her foot snags on a nearby tree root and she crashes to the soil, her hands darting out to brace her fall. The skin of her palms rake over with blood and pebbles and _sting_ but she doesn't notice over the _searing_ blood pumping hot in her ears and the nervous _strangle_ of her intestines or the half-gasp half- _scream_ that screeches from her throat.

She can't _concenrate_ , can't _move_ , even when the werewolf takes a frightening and deliberate lunge toward her.

" _Remus_ , no— _please_ God—"

And she's certain she's dead when the growling abruptly cuts off and there's a wounded type of _crunching_ sound that snaps in its place. It's only then that she realizes she has her hands out in front of her as if to fend something off and she's been holding her breath and she's been pinching her eyes closed.

She sits up in an instant to assess her surroundings, attempting to ignore the piercing pain shooting up through her hand as she clenches her wand.

Ahead of her she finds a mangy black dog snapping and spitting at the crazed werewolf. On the werewolf's shoulder is a small, fat rat squeaking urgently and persistently. The werewolf shrugs the rat off and it falls with a small _plop_ onto the soil, begins running in frantic circles. The creature follows the rat with his dilated, _hungry_ eyes and growls as the rat takes off at high speed in the direction of the Whomping Willow, disappearing behind the wide trunk.

Lily watches in amazement as the werewolf takes off after the rat with the dog close on its heels, snapping and biting and _forcing_ the creature away from her.

"Oh—Oh my God— _Oh_ —"

She stumbles over to the crumpled male deer several feet away from her. It lies mangled with an obvious broken leg and three deep gashes along its chest. The stag puffs out hard, labored whines, blood trickling from its mouth.

"Oh, _no_. No, no," Lily repeats as crawls over to the poor animal, brushes a trembling hand along its strong neck as if to comfort it.

She startles when she sees that the stag's eyes are watching her closely, _intently_ with familiar hazel eyes that Lily can't ever forget, no matter how hard she tries.

"J—James?" Lily gasps and the stag whines insistently. "I was right—it can't be—is it really you? What the hell am I _doing_?"

Lily shakes her head, draws her wand, and whispers out a long and complicated spell thats been hibernating in the recesses of her mind ever since she read about the Animagus almost a year ago. To her shock, the stag begins to morph into a man and in a mess of seconds James Potter lies in its place, panting wildly and groaning in evident pain. The gash remains, dark black blood bubbling out of the wound and flooding to the grass beneath him.

"Lily, I can explain—" he croaks.

"Shh, I know, I know," Lily cuts him off, stroking his hair. "I've had my suspicions for a while now, to be honest."

"You _knew_ —You—You—"

"Don't," she commands severely. "We can talk about it later, if you want, but I have to take you to the hospital wing."

James moans in protest as Lily helps him shakily to his feet.

"You're crying," he notices, reaching out to brush a stream of tears from her frozen cheeks.

She lets out a wheezy, disbelieving laugh. "Really, James, _really_? You've just been severely mauled by a _werewolf_ and you are worried about me _crying_?"

He blinks, smirks weakly. "I—I don't like it when—you cry."

She helps him into the castle. They pause just outside the hospital wing so they can both catch their breath.

"You called me James," he whispers.

Lily bites her lip, opens her mouth to retort something witty—

"I like it when you call me James."

She purses her lips together, smiles slightly, and is about to say something _kind_ and _sappy_ and completely out of character for her—

He loses consciousness, toppling over in her arms and _positively_ knocking the breath from her lungs.

* * *

 ** _(walk down this road all alone)_**

* * *

Lily finally manages to track down Remus after days of him skipping classes and avoiding their rounds.

She finds him on the covered wooden bridge outside the clock tower courtyard. He's leaning over to look at the gaping ravine below, sighing wistfully.

"Remus," she attempts as she approaches him.

He swivels in his surprise and she can't _stand_ the expression of immense guilt that drips over his features as his gold-green eyes land on her. He's got an ugly and rather impressive yellow-purple bruise developing on his cheek, several scrapes on his neck, and a busted blue-black fingernail, cracked straight down the middle.

It's like a physical _blow_ to Lily, seeing him this way, and all she wants to do is wrap him in a tight embrace and promise that everything's going to be okay.

He doesn't give her the chance.

"Remus, wait!" she calls after him, following him down the length of the bridge. " _Please_."

He swirls around in a hot rage, angry tears erupting like scorching lava from his disappointed eyes.

"Yes, _please_ ," he snaps, stricken. "I remember you saying that to me, Lily, _pleading_ with me not to _crush_ you."

Lily releases a sigh.

"Reme—"

" _No_!" he lashes. "There's _nothing_ you can say that can _fix_ this, Lily. I could have _killed_ you."

"But you _didn't_!" she fires back, stepping toward him with determination.

"And, what, that's supposed to make it all better? Make it all go away?" Remus fumes.

"Stop avoiding me," she pleads, grasping his hand with her bandaged ones. He flinches as he glares down at them. "I know you didn't mean to, Remus. I shouldn't have been out there anyway; I wasn't thinking, I swear. I don't _blame_ you—"

" _I_ blame me," he says. "I hurt my best friend—"

"James is _fine_ ," Lily insists. "He got released from the hospital wing yesterday and has been soaking up the attention. I promise, he's back to being his typical boastful self."

"It doesn't _matter_ , can't you see that? It shouldn't have happened in the _first_ place," Remus continues. "James was injured because he was protecting you from _me_. I could have— _would_ have—murdered you, Lily."

"Remus, you weren't in control," Lily defends. "It's a disease that you can't do anything about—it doesn't have to define everything about you!"

"Shut _up_ , Lily!" Remus rages and the force of his words send Lily reeling backward. "You know _nothing_ about what I go through every month, what I feel like _doing_ to myself every bloody full moon so that I don't have to _deal_ with this anymore."

The weight of his words drag down Lily's spirits, pummel her heartstrings to bits.

"You would never do something to yourself," she swears. "You've never been that person."

Remus remains silent.

"And you're right, Remus—I know nothing about your disease or what you go through. But I _do_ know that it will _never_ define who you are to me," Lily continues and she's amazed to find she's crying. "Remus, you are one of my best friends and I _love_ you. You're incredibly brave and smart and kind. You've always been there for me when I need you. Please, let me be here for you."

Remus stares at her for a frigid five seconds before he crumples to the floor of the bridge and begins to sob wretchedly. Lily sinks down next to him, wraps her arms firmly around him, and they hold onto each other with everything they have, their tears blurring together.

* * *

 ** _(fractured moonlight on the sea)_**

* * *

Remus breaks things off with Alice mid-October.

"I just can't risk getting much closer to her," he explains when Lily angrily confronts him.

"She _loved_ you," Lily practically snarls. "And I _know_ you felt the same way."

"I don't expect you to understand," he sighs and Lily snorts.

"No, I completely understand, Remus," Lily corrects him. "You are worried she won't accept you if she knows the truth about you, that everything your relationship has been _built_ on will crumple over your _disease_. She is the most _understanding_ and caring person I have ever met—you _know_ she'd accept you."

Remus looks at her sullenly. "If I ever hurt her, Lily, I would never move past it."

"You _did_ hurt her, Remus!" Lily flares. "She's _confused_ and in _pain_."

"At least she'll be alive and she'll have a chance at a long, happy life and a marriage and _children_ ," Remus says with finality.

Lily is too frustrated to say anything, watches his leave with disappointment, and trails back to the Gryffindor tower to comfort her broken-hearted friend.

* * *

 _ **(anything you can do, i can do better)**_

* * *

"You're stirring it _wrong_ ," nags Lily.

James scoffs and continues to stir the _wrong_ way. "You are a lunatic, you know that? How do you _stir_ wrong?"

Lily glares at him in frustration, practically shoving her text in his face. "It _says_ you have to stir it _counter-_ clockwise, you complete _baboon_."

"That's a new one," James notes with amusement and this just angers Lily further.

"Here, just let me do it," Lily demands, shoving him out of the way with her elbow.

"Evans, honestly!" protests James, growing annoyed. "I'm doing it _fine_ , you nutcase. Just calm down."

Lily grabs his hand, stalling him from stirring. The potion bubbles up black and lumpy, emitting a pungent smell of burning oil and fried pickles.

"How is _that_ even remotely fine?" she snaps.

" _Woman_ , will you just let me _handle_ —"

 _Boom!_

Lily and James rocket backward as their potion explodes in a showering stream of black, smelly goo. It erupts around the entire classroom, spewing like diseased vomit onto nearby tables.

"Uck, really?" complains Sirius from the table next to them.

Lily pushes back her goo-covered hair from her face and notices Severus jump angrily to his feet. He's gotten the brunt of it and like Lily, is dripping from head to toe in black sludge.

"Go clean yourselves off," instructs Professor Slughorn in agitation.

James is the first to exit the classroom, followed closely by Sirius and Lily, with Severus bringing up the rear.

She hears him muttering under her breath. Lily stops in the corridor, turns on her heel.

"If you've got something to say to me, say it to my face, Snape," she bites out.

He seems surprised at first that she's even acknowledging him, and then he sneers at her.

"Couldn't manage to quit your bickering for _five_ measly minutes, could you?"

His voice makes her insides twist hotly.

"I don't see how my interactions with James Potter are any of your business," Lily tells him.

" _Really?_ So, you're _happy_ , are you?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"With your choice," Severus explains. "Picking Potter as a partner over me. Is that still _suiting_ you?"

"If you are assuming I'd be better off being partners with _you_ , you are deranged," Lily snaps. "I'm perfectly _content_ with my choices, thank you very much."

"Yes, you've made that abundantly clear over the last year, haven't you?" Severus spits.

"What's going on here?"

Lily notices Sirius jog to her side, glancing between her and Severus in concern.

"Nothing," Lily answers. "Just drop it."

"It didn't sound like _nothing_ ," Sirius points out. "You two have been shouting loud enough for the whole world to hear."

"This is between me and Lily," Severus snarls. "Leave us alone."

Sirius stares hard at Lily, as if dissecting her.

"I don't think so," Sirius finally responds. "I'm not leaving you alone with her."

Severus scoffs disbelievingly, glaring at Lily with sharp daggers.

"What, you need _body guards_ now, is that it?" Severus berates her and his words know just how to inject themselves under her skin. "You're letting _them_ walk all over you now?"

"Why don't you just back off?" suggests Sirius. "It's evidently clear she doesn't want to speak to you anymore."

"And what makes you assume I want to talk to _that_?" Severus growls, glaring coldly at Lily.

" _That_? Really, am I not even considered a _person_ to you anymore?" she laughs out blackly. "Am I really just a _mudblood_ to you? Nothing more than a dirty _object_?"

The tension between the two of them is terrifying and thick.

"Okay, that's enough," Sirius finalizes, shoving Severus away from her. "Keep away from her, Snivellus. I'm warning you."

"You're pathetic," Severus snarls at Lily. "Can't even defend yourself, you have to have pretty boy here do it for you?"

"She's more than capable—" Sirius argues.

"No, Sirius, it's fine," Lily hums and turns back to Severus. "Sirius Black happens to be a fairly good _friend_ of mine, Snape. And that's what friends _do_ for each other—they _defend_ them, they have their _backs._ Perhaps you should look up the word. You may need a few in the future."

Sirius slings an arm around her shoulder and leads her away. By the time they've turned the corner, she's shaking with fury and _pain_.

"I—I can't believe—how much he's changed—" she sobs into his chest.

He soothes her with a stroke of his hand along her hair.

"Believe it or not, I actually know how you're feeling," Sirius admits once she's stopped crying. "Maybe not to the full extent that you are feeling, but I've been through something similar."

"With your family?" she guesses.

"My brother, Regulus, to be specific," Sirius informs her. "He and I were pretty close at one point, until he decided to associate himself with the same people Snape befriended. Of course, it made my parents very proud, but I wanted nothing to do with that way of life or those people. We both took it pretty personally, haven't spoken since I moved in with James."

Lily gnaws at her bottom lip thoughtfully.

"I'm sorry," she whispers, hugging him.

"It was a while ago," he tells her, hugging her back. "It doesn't ever go away, but it will at least get better with time."

They remain that way for a few more seconds before Lily finally awkwardly pulls away.

"Feeling better?" he prompts and she nods, smiling.

"I never knew you were so _caring,_ " she teases.

"Don't let word slip out, yeah, Evans?" he jokes with her, leading her to the nearest bathroom just as James Potter emerges from its depths looking cleaned up and shining like a new penny. "It might ruin my reputation."

James notices Sirius's arm slung around her shoulder, cocks his head curiously to the side.

Lily smirks.

* * *

 ** _(pumpkin faces in the night)_**

* * *

The Gryffindors throw a raging Halloween party in Gryffindor tower. They go all out—pumpkin carving contests, apple bobbing, a pinata full of Blood Pops, Pumpkin Pasties, and Droobles bubblegum.

Lily hangs back by the refreshment table, nursing a rather splitting migraine that erupted not long after Potions ended. She sips warm pumpkin infused butterbeer and attempts to ignore the rather intense urge to throttle a group of _loud_ and _annoying_ fourth years exchanging scary stories next to her.

"Did Mary _really_ snog Sirius Black?" Alice wonders loudly from her seat on the couch next to Lily, attempting to speak over the trill screeches of the fourth year girls. "I heard they snuck off to the _boathouse_."

Lily's eyes wander over to the opposite side of the common room, resting on Sirius. He's sitting next to Peter and cheering on James, who is wrapped up in an intense match of Exploding Snap with Frank Longbottom. She notices that Remus is absent from the party, perhaps still avoiding Alice since their breakup, and realizes he's got the right idea.

Maybe she should just wander off upstairs, too. Crawl under the covers. Die.

"Well, why wouldn't she?" says Marlene, polishing off a pumpkin pasty. "He's gorgeous and a _brilliant_ kisser."

"Um, and you're speaking from _experience_ , are you?" Lily drawls and Marlene shrugs.

"Don't kiss and tell."

"Since _when_?" Alice teases.

"Okay, whatever," Marlene gives in, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, we snogged a while back. He's pretty great at it."

There's a triumphant howl from James Potter as he wins the match, leaving a disappointed Frank in a gust of hoops and hollers.

"Please, it's like kissing a _dog_ ," Lily argues, remembering how she was forced to kiss Sirius last year.

"Anyway, it's _Mary_ we're talking about," Marlene continues, ignoring Lily. "She'd snog anyone."

Lily tries to ignore the way her heart lurches as Frank meets her gaze, smiles at her in that sly, secret way he used to.

"Alright, Evans?" wonders James, appearing at the refreshment table and blocking her view of Frank. "Fancy another drink?

Lily glances down at her empty plastic cup of butterbeer.

"Yeah, thanks," Lily says tentatively, watching him refill her cup.

"Listen, about what happened in Potions—"

"Don't worry about it," Lily brushes it off, attempting to glance past him to find Frank but it appears Frank has left. "We were both being stupid."

" _I_ wasn't being stupid, you were the one too _stubborn_ to admit when she was doing something _wrong_ —"

Alice and Marlene both sigh, exchanging tired and knowing glances. Lily's blood begins to boil.

"Oh, that's rich coming from the idiot that obviously can't _read_ directions—"

" _I'm_ not the one that provoked the potion to explode everywhere—"

"So, _I'm_ to blame for _your_ lack of attention? That bloody potion gave me a _nightmare_ of a migraine. I had to leave my last class to try and _rest_ it off—"

"Why have you got to be so tightly _wound_ —?"

It's only then that she realizes Alice and Marlene have successfully and discreetly abandoned her to the whims of James Potter and are now dancing to an uppity Halloween-theme song by the Hoggoblins.

"Is there a _reason_ you are over here, Potter?" Lily grates, exceptionally annoyed. Her head pounds painfully. "Or have you just come round to annoy the living hell out of me and scare off my friends?"

"Right, er—I actually _did_ have a reason and was _trying_ to apologize," James says, puffing out his chest.

"Well done, I'd say," Lily scoffs. "If that's all, I'm actually going to be leaving because I don't _feel well_."

"Stop a moment, will you?" James hastens, yanking on her arm to pull her back. "Good _Godric_ , why are you always so _difficult_? Are you really that eager to be rid of me?"

"What do you _want_?" she questions impatiently, trying and failing to ignore the loud pulsing in her brain.

"Next week I was thinking about heading down to Hogsmeade," James begins, looking uncharacteristically nervous. "And I was wondering if you would like to join me?"

Lily fights back a laugh.

"Are you—Are you for real? Like, are you being _serious_?"

James blinks from behind his glasses, opens his mouth like a fish gasping for water.

"You're asking me _out_?" she continues in incredulous annoyance.

"Yes, I am," James says defensively. "Is that really so strange? I mean, I've asked you out before."

"Have I _ever_ said yes? Not even that, but have I ever given you the _impression_ that I would _ever_ say yes to going on a date with you?" Lily scoffs and even she can hear how sharp and cruel her words are.

"I just wanted—"

"I know what you _wanted_ ," she practically shouts at him. "I'm not a _prank_ , Potter."

"You—You think I'm _joking_?" he puffs out in confusion. "How can you think that?"

"I don't know, maybe because _everything_ seems to be a bloody joke to you!"

"How does _that_ work?" he demands. "If this is about Potions, I already—"

"It's not about _Potions_ ," she growls. "It's about _everything_ you have done and just when I think I see a different side to you, you pull this rubbish on me."

"I'm asking you to _Hogsmeade,_ " James clarifies in wonder. "How the hell does that qualify as rubbish?"

"Since nothing seems to get through your thick skull, let me make this perfectly clear for you for the _last_ time," Lily says quietly, calmly. "I have never been interested in you in any way, nor have I ever felt the desire to date you and I _never_ will."

She should have stopped right there, but she doesn't, and her cruel words bounce off of the walls of the common room like gunfire.

"There's no future between us, Potter, and you are continually wasting your time with me. I do not _like_ you. I think you are immature, conceited, lazy, and a bully and those are four things that are incredibly unattractive to me."

James looks as if Lily has socked him in the gut and she's suddenly aware of just how painful her words have been, how much she's publicly humiliated him.

"Good to know what you really think of me," James rasps.

"Look, I'm just trying to tell you the truth," Lily says quietly. "There are tons of girls in this castle that are _dying_ for your affection and I think you could really make someone happy, but that someone just isn't me."

"Right."

"Look, I'm sorry, I just—"

"Yeah, no, I get it," James cuts her off briskly. "I'll leave you alone from now on."

And he does.

* * *

 _End of VI: 1976-1977_

 _Part Two_

* * *

As always, I live only for your feedback, so please leave me a review down below! VII: 1976-1977 Part Three will be up soon!


	7. Chapter 7

**If I Die Young**

* * *

 **Disclaimer:** I own absolutely nothing from the Harry Potter universe. This fanfiction is written purely for entertainment purposes and nothing more, though all ideas and writing are done by me and belong to me.

 **A/N:** I know, I know, Lily was pretty harsh on James in the last chapter. I did this on purpose. Think of it as a turning point for both Lily and James, which you will come to see in the future chapters.

Anyway, I had intended to write more in this chapter but as always, this site is being ridiculous and won't let me update past 7,000 some odd words. Anyone else have this problem? Because I'm _pissed_.

With that said,

Enjoy!

—Annie

* * *

 **VII**

 _1976-1977_

 _Part Three_

* * *

 _In my life there's been heartache and pain_  
 _I don't know if I can face it again_  
 _I can't stop now, I've traveled so far_  
 _To change this lonely life_  
 _I wanna know what love is_

 _—Foreigner_

* * *

 ** _(baby, now we got bad blood_ _)_**

* * *

A mere three days after their fight at the Halloween party, Lily discovers that James Potter can move on _fast_.

She catches him in an abandoned classroom on the fifth floor during her rounds. He's got one hand creeping up her thigh and the other buried in her glossy black hair and his lips are pressed against her neck and she's got her silky dark legs wrapped around his waist—

Hestia Jones.

Lily tries to ignore the revolting taste that squirms hotly up her stomach and darts to her throat, making everything taste like pure bitter _acid_. She's _wrecked_ and _sick_ and she can't _breathe_ —

"Oh my God—"

James nearly flies across the room, as if hearing Lily's voice break through the darkness has burned him.

"Lil—Evans, what—?"

And he's hurrying to button up his Oxford and Hestia is adjusting her tie, patting down her hair.

"You are out past curfew," Lily manages to get out.

She's hot and sweaty and _livid_ and she feels like she's going to _explode_ and she doesn't know _why._

 _"_ Five points from Gryffindor each," Lily continues.

Hestia scoffs, jumps off the table, adjusts her skirt to an appropriate length.

"Seriously, Lily? You're docking points for us making out?"

"You are _out_ past _curfew_ ," Lily repeats.

"What's gotten into you?" Hestia complains. "You're _different_."

"Don't worry, Hestia, Evans is just constipated because she can't manage to remove that wand from up her arse for five seconds," James says and Lily feels something hot and heavy and _burning_ slice through her.

"Another five points!" she screeches.

"Lily, what the _hell_?" demands Hestia, clearly annoyed.

"Get _out_!" Lily flares. "Get out, get out, _get out_!"

Hestia flees from the scene as if Lily's been possessed and James follows her, keeping a wary eye on Lily.

And when they finally do leave, Lily screams, slaps her palm against the wall, slams her foot against a nearby desk. She crumples to the ground, heaving and sobbing and _gasping_.

She's certain she's gone mad and she has no control over her emotions and—

She doesn't understand _why_.

* * *

 ** _(oh, it's what you do to me)_**

* * *

James Potter completely disappears from her life, but not in the way Lily expects.

He's still there in her classes, goofing off in the common room with his mates, or at the breakfast table with his arm slung around Hestia. Sometimes they even bump into each other on weekends when he's headed to Quidditch practice and she's exiting the library.

But he's _gone_.

Gone are the jokes and the pranks, the silly and pointless homework questions that he obviously knew the answer to, the hair ruffling that used to drive her _crazy_.

And his absence is _everywhere_.

He no longer greets her in the corridor, instead he avoids eye contact and pretends she's just a tapestry on the wall. He even attempts to switch partners in Potions but Slughorn doesn't have a sweet spot for James Potter like he does Lily Evans and James remains in the seat next to her, positioned away from her.

He speaks to her only when it's necessary to do so and his answers are short and to the point.

Lily is forgotten in a haze of Hestia's white gardenia perfume.

Lily thinks it's odd that she takes it so _hard_.

* * *

 ** _(i'm taking back my love)_**

* * *

Frank Longbottom ends things with Heather Cherity after a rainy Quidditch match in November against Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. It's really quite ironic when Ravenclaw loses painfully and both Heather and the Ravenclaw team trudge moodily off the pitch through the mud.

"Well, I hope you are happy, you horrible home wrecker," Heather confronts Lily as she passes her.

The Gryffindor team piles out of the stadium and heads toward the lockers. As Hestia enters the female locker room, James and Lily make eye contact and it lasts longer than she expects it to. She expects him to walk off but he remains rooted to the spot, staring at the exchange between Heather and Lily.

"I beg your pardon?" Lily almost laughs at Heather.

"I know the reason he broke up with me is because of you and the way you're always _throwing_ yourself at him like some sick, stupid _puppy_ that's desperate for _attention_ ," Heather chafes, tears bubbling over and spilling crisscrossed over her cheeks.

"I really don't know what you're talking about," Lily tells her. "If Frank broke up with you, I guarantee it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. Now, kindly bug off and let me bask in the idea that my team has just successfully pummeled yours."

It holds two meanings, really, and Heather knows it. She grows red in the face, pouts, and storms off in a tearful rage.

And Lily is smiling because she's rotten and emotional and lately she hates _everything_ and can't fathom _why_ and she doesn't like not knowing _why._

James is still watching as Frank appears behind Lily, presses his hands over her eyes, and insists she guess who it is that's blinding her. She feels herself smile a wide, splitting grin for the first time since Halloween.

"Is it true?" Lily wonders, turning to face Frank. "Did you really end things?"

"I'm sorry it took me so long to figure it out," Frank says breathlessly, gazing down at her happily.

"Figure what out?" Lily questions.

"What I really wanted," Frank replies and his words melt like warm butterbeer on her skin.

"And what is it that you want?" Lily asks.

" _You_ , if you'll have me," Frank says.

Lily's stomach tumbles, her breath hitches. For some unknown reason, Lily's eyes dart over to where James Potter is still standing, watching her numbly.

"I—I—"

Hestia Jones emerges from the locker room, spots James still standing in the spot she's left him, pecks him on the cheek, begins whispering in his ear in a way that pulls at the edges of James's lips.

"Yes, absolutely, yes," Lily agrees fiercely, turning back to Frank with a happy smile.

She knows that James is still watching her when she pops up on her tip toes to lock lips with her new boyfriend.

It makes her feel bold and reckless and like she's _winning_ —

But when she breaks her kiss to find James stalking up to the castle, still completely covered in muddy and rain soaked Quidditch gear, his broomstick and his slightly harassed looking girlfriend lying forgotten behind him, Lily feels something else pull at her insides.

 _Guilt_.

* * *

 ** _(begging you for mercy)_**

* * *

The Marauders track her down several weeks later at Hogsmeade.

She's sharing a frothy butterbeer with Frank by the fireplace and their noses are rosy from the swirling blizzard outside and he's wrapped her up in his cloak for extra warmth.

And she's _happy_ and _blissful and_ carefree.

"Lily Evans, I must speak with you," Sirius greets dramatically in her ear.

"Sirius, what the hell? You scared the pants off of me!" Lily remarks, jumping away from her kiss with Frank to glare at her intruding friend.

"Nope, still there," Sirius points out, patting Lily's corduroys.

"I'll be just a moment," Lily tells Frank in apology, following Sirius to the counter.

Remus and Peter trail behind.

"What is it that you lot want?" Lily inquires. "If you haven't noticed, I'm on a _date_."

"We noticed, believe me," grumbles Sirius.

"I'm waiting," Lily presses, tapping her foot impatiently on the wooden floor.

"You have to apologize to James," Remus breaks in with a rush.

"Excuse me?" Lily coughs out, glancing between the three desperate looking boys. " _I_ have to apologize? For what, being _truthful_?"

"You were very rude," Sirius tells her honestly. "He hasn't been handling it well. You've broken his spirits."

"And his heart," adds Peter.

"Great, that's marvelous," Lily says sarcastically. "I couldn't care less."

Remus eyes her knowingly. "That's a downright lie, Lily."

"What do you care, anyway?" Lily seethes. "He seems to be going about things just fine, even got himself a girlfriend."

"That's the _problem_ ," presses Sirius, grabbing onto Lily's cloak in desperation.

"What, _Hestia_ is the problem?" Lily laughs and then sobers when she sees the expressions on each boy's face. "Wait, you're serious? I thought you'd be pleased. How many times have you bugged him about getting a girlfriend?"

Sirius moans and slaps his hand against the counter, summoning over the barkeep.

"A round of firewhiskey, on the _double_ , good sir!" he commands.

"You are _such_ a drama queen, Sirius," Lily comments.

"We're _miserable_ , Lily," Sirius complains.

" _James_ is miserable," adds Remus.

"He seems _fine_ to me," Lily counters. "I swear, there's not one time this week I've seen him without his tongue shoved down Hestia's throat like he's scuba diving for buried treasure."

"He doesn't have time for us anymore," whines Peter.

"He's _abandoned_ us," Sirius corrects despondently, knocking back two shots of firewhiskey.

"Whoa, hang tight, Snuffles," Lily warns as he grabs for the third shot. "What's gotten into you?"

"I've lost my best friend to that _harpy_ and I need you to get him back," Sirius pleads.

"Hestia is a nice girl, don't get us wrong," Remus clarifies at Lily's horrified expression. "She just isn't right for him and we can all see that."

"Well, it might be healthy for all of you if you have some time apart from James," Lily says, staring pointedly at a slightly tipsy Sirius. "Do you expect him to spend all of his time with you lot for the rest of his life? Eventually, he's going to get married, and you'll hardly ever see him."

"That's a _lie_ , you take that _back_!" cries Sirius, pounding his fist against the counter.

The barkeep eyes his remaining shots warily and Lily laughs nervously, waving him off.

"Keep your _voice_ down," Lily commands sternly. "You're going to get us all kicked out of here."

"He's not going to be that kind of person when he gets married," Sirius argues, "because he's going to be married to _you_ and we all _love_ you and you _adore_ us and could never turn us away."

Lily's jaw drops, her eyes widen, she sputters out an incoherent argument that is completely ignored by everyone around her.

"He misses you," Remus confides, taking Lily's hand. "He's putting on a good show but we know him better than that."

Lily sighs, takes her hand from Remus, shakes her head.

"You miss him, too," Peter says.

Lily stalls at this, doesn't answer, _can't_ answer.

Because yes, she does miss James Potter.

She misses the pointless, corny jokes and their playful bickering and the way he drives her absolutely _insane_ in Potions and _always_ has to be right and _always_ smells of busted leather Quaffles and broomstick polish and firewood.

She misses his laugh and the way he used to distract her so that he could nick the bacon strips off of her breakfast plate, the crooked twist of his grin when he's being especially twerpy and knows it, the way he'd always greet her with a sly, "Alright, Evans?".

"Look, what matters is that James is happy and as his friends you should be supporting him, not coming to me to manipulate him out of a relationship," Lily points out. "I'm sorry that you boys aren't happy with his choices but he's the one that's making them, not you."

"Lily, _please_ ," begs Sirius.

"I have my own boyfriend to get back to," Lily tells him firmly. "I can't keep worrying over yours, Sirius."

She leaves Sirius moaning pitifully and drowning his sorrows in the remaining shots of firewhiskey.

* * *

 _ **(when i see you again)**_

* * *

Lily's friends exchange gifts on the train ride home for the Christmas holidays.

Dorcas gives Lily a necklace she's made—it's a clear miniature bottle that caps off with a miniature wine cork, and inside it are dozens of freshly picked and vibrantly colored wildflowers. It gives off a relaxing scent of lavender sprigs, daisy dollops, rosemary leaves, and sunflower petals.

"I love it," cherishes Lily, embracing Dorcas and slipping it over her head so that the necklace rests between her bosom. "I'll wear it everyday for good luck."

Marlene scoots over to Lily playfully and says, "I've found you that perfume you like. It's not much but you run out of that stuff so _fast_."

Lily takes the tall bottle of bright plum liquid eagerly from Marlene's hands, spritzes her wrists, breathes in deeply.

"Black cherry merlot," she sighs out happily. "I've been looking everywhere for another bottle of this!"

Alice knits her a slouchy teal winter hat—Lily's favorite color—and the girls promise to keep in touch.

* * *

 _ **(but you grin and bear it)**_

* * *

Lily wraps the curly orange phone cord around her wrist, smiles into the receiver.

"I can't believe you actually called me," Lily giggles fondly, kicking her feet out in front of her from her spot on top of the kitchen counter.

"Well, the phone came with the house," Frank explains, his voice crackly over the other end. "I just figured I would learn how to use it, and what better way to practice than with my beautiful girlfriend?"

"You're sappy," Lily chuckles, taking a large chunk out of a frosted snowman cookie.

"You _like_ it," Frank purrs and Lily blushes, tugging at a loose thread on her mustard yellow sweater.

There's a clanging noise from the other room, followed by a muffled swear word.

"Dad's put off decorating the tree until tonight," Lily tells Frank. "I think he's pulled every ornament we have ever bought down from the attic. He claims it will be the _perfect_ family activity to do while getting to know Petunia's new beau."

"What kind of name is _Vernon_ anyway?" snorts Frank.

"Uh, the private school bred, stuck up Cambridge graduate that my sister's brought home for Christmas and is completely and incorrigibly infatuated with for some reason unknown to me?"

"I think it's good that Petunia's happy, though," Frank offers and Lily rolls her eyes up to the ceiling.

"Yeah, I just wish she would be happy with someone I could actually _stomach_ ," Lily sighs. "Frank, he wears a _tie-pin_. And he knots his sweaters over his _shoulders_ like some pretentious collegiate snob from the country club. Suffice it to say, my mother _adores_ him."

There's the sound of a car door clanging shut, followed by her father's scattered footsteps and delighted holler as he opens the front door for Petunia and Vernon.

"Well, they're here," Lily informs Frank, unwrapping her hand from the phone cord.

"Please attempt to enjoy your evening, yeah?" Frank laughs. "Don't judge him _too_ harshly."

"Come over later," Lily hums into the phone. "I just bought this new lipgloss and I want to know if you like the _flavor_."

"Can't wait," Frank whispers. "I'll see you soon."

Lily bites her lip, connects the phone back to its casing on the wall, and hops off the counter.

"Who wants cookies?" she chirps, plastering on a painful smile and wheeling out a tray of sugar cookies into the den.

* * *

 ** _(are you calling me darling?)_**

* * *

Petunia stays the remainder of the winter holiday with Vernon's family in St. Ives—a small riverside town a few kilometers away from Cambridge University where the Dursley family resides.

Lily helps her father put away the Christmas directions, visits her mother briefly, and accepts mug after mug of Sherry Longbottom's butterscotch hot chocolate.

She doesn't think about James Potter, not once.

Until a letter arrives from Sirius Black by owl.

 _You are cordially invited to ring in the new year at an evening_ _soiree_ , the invitation reads. _Your presence is requested at the residence of Euphemia and Fleamont Potter from the hours of 9 PM - 1:00 AM on New Years Eve._

Lily blinks.

 _You're coming_ , Sirius scrawls at the bottom in messy ink.

"Like hell I am," Lily snorts, crumples up the invitation, and tosses it in her wastebasket.

* * *

 ** _(shh girl, shut your lips)_**

* * *

"You were invited, too?"

Frank flattens out Lily's crumpled invitation on her desk.

"I'm pretty sure everyone and their _dog_ has been invited to James Potter's party," Frank laughs. "It's kind of an annual thing for their family."

"James didn't even invite me, _Sirius_ did."

"Isn't that one in the same?"

Lily rolls her eyes.

"So, you're not going?" Lily wonders.

"I mean, I would, we're good mates and everything," Frank says, shrugging, "but I'm visiting some relatives."

"Well, I'm not going," Lily says with finality.

"You've got nothing better to do, unless you had something else planned?"

Lily gnaws on her lip.

"No," she huffs out, frustrated. "Everyone I know is going to this bloody party—Marlene, Alice, Dorcas."

"What's the harm, then?" wonders Frank. "You show up for a few hours, make some polite chit chat, dance with your friends, have a few drinks, and go home. You know the girls will hate you if you don't at least show up. Besides, you've been invited—it's common courtesy that you at least show up."

"Fine, whatever," Lily caves. "But I'm not speaking to Potter."

"Let's stop talking about James, shall we, love?" Frank suggests, settling in next to her on her bed.

"Sounds good to me," hums Lily, gazing at his lips.

"Where's your dad?" asks Frank pointedly.

"He's on a date actually," Lily answers proudly. "He's not due back for _several_ hours."

" _Brilliant_ ," Frank whispers, capturing Lily's lips with his.

Lily feels like _electricity_.

* * *

 ** _(zip your lips like a padlock)_**

* * *

She hears the clinking of dishes in the kitchen and instantly freezes.

"Shit, that's my dad," she whispers frantically.

" _What?_ I thought you said he would be gone for _hours_ ," Frank hisses as she tosses him his shirt.

"I'll call you?" she apologizes and Frank rolls his eyes, slipping out her bedroom window and hopping into the shrubbery below.

Lily slips her sweatshirt back on over her head, steadies her haggard breathing, throws her hair up in a messy topknot, and drips down the stairs quietly.

"Hi, Dad," she greets awkwardly.

"Hey, peaches," he says with a surprised smile. "I thought you were in bed."

She props her elbows up on the counter.

"I figured I'd wait up for you, see how it went and all," Lily lies, attempting to look as if she hasn't been passionately snogging her boyfriend upstairs. "Did your date not go well?"

"Why?"

"Well, you said you would be back later," she hints and he rolls his eyes.

"Don't worry, pet, I had a great time."

" _And_?"

" _And_ she's nice," her father replies, ruffling her wine colored hair. "Lily, it's only been one date. It's not like I'm in love with her or anything."

"What's she look like?"

"Um, good-looking...Curly blonde hair, green eyes, she's fairly tall."

She swallows.

"She sounds like Mum."

Her dad smiles sadly. "Yeah, I suppose. Maybe that's why I like her."

"I won't leave you Dad," she vows, hugs him. "You know that?"

"One day you'll have to, pumpkin," he tells her, pulling away and kissing her on the forehead. "One day you are going to find a nice, hunky young bloke who'll love you with every fiber of his being. And, if we're lucky, he'll be rich, too."

Lily snorts.

"That way, if I ever grow too old, you won't have to put me in a nursing home to get rid of me. You can just buy me my own mansion."

She laughs at his logic. "Wouldn't you get lonely, all alone in a big house?"

"Nah. By then, you'd have eight kids demanding to come see their granddad."

She blanches.

"Eight? Oh, Dad. _Ow_."

"Well, a bloke can dream, can't he? Anyway, I'm going to turn in. You going up, too?"

"In a bit," she answers and stands on tiptoe to kiss his cheek.

"Night, pumpkin," he calls from the hallway.

"Goodnight, Dad."

* * *

 ** _(with your blah, blah, blah)_**

* * *

The Potter's house is a large colonial number with white shutters and fresh cut grass and glass chandeliers, the kind where the family inside it is so obviously rich but they are modest enough not to shove it in everyone's faces.

Lily arrives with Dorcas and Marlene.

"I can't believe Alice is sick," mumbles Marlene. "This is the party of the century, doesn't she know what she's missing?"

"Please," Dorcas scoffs. "Alice and I been to this party so many times, girl, I'm sure she's just faking it so she doesn't have to socialize—you know she gets super anxious."

Marlene shrugs.

"Every year it is the same—James's parents leave for a three day vay-cay for their anniversary and James throws a ridiculous rager in their absence," Dorcas continues. "They know he does it and they're fine as long as he cleans up before they get back and don't burn down the neighborhood. Alice usually huddles in a corner or in the kitchen and bails after an hour anyway."

"Well, I'm going to party till dawn," Marlene announces as they enter the foyer, flashes them her flask of alcohol, and raises her eyebrows suggestively.

Dorcas heads straight for the punch bowl, dragging Lily behind her. Oddly self-conscious, Lily pulls at the too-short black dress Dorcas has let her borrow, sips the fizzy punch, and bobs her head to a blaring Hobgoblin song.

"You made it!" caws Sirius, appearing at her side. "I knew you'd come."

"Hello, Sirius," Lily chokes out, squirming out of his tight embrace. "You are drunk."

"I _am_ ," he giggles. "There's _glitter_ falling from the _ceiling_. Isn't it _wonderful_?"

Lily rolls her eyes, pats his shoulder, notices there really _is_ glitter streaming from the ceiling.

"It's _edible_ ," he tells her passionately. "You can _eat_ the glitter, Lily."

But Lily is no longer paying attention to Sirius because James Potter has just entered the room and suddenly Lily can't concentrate on anything other than his crooked grin.

* * *

 ** _(we're delirious, tear it down)_**

* * *

Lily can't seem to find Dorcas anywhere, and by the time the clock strikes midnight, Lily begins to realize the punch has been spiked. She wants to blame Marlene but she's counting down the seconds to the new year and then Marlene is shoving her tongue down Sirius Black's throat and they're furiously making out in front of everyone.

"Happy New Year!" everyone screams.

There's an explosion of confetti that erupts over James Potter and Hestia Jones's liplock and Lily is suddenly being kissed by a stranger, someone she distinctly recognizes as Dirk Cresswick—a seventh year Gryffindor womanizer with angel blond hair and forget me not blue eyes.

"Been wanting to do that for a while," Dirk admits, smiling easily at her.

Lily frowns at him. "You realize I have a boyfriend, right?"

Dirk shrugs. "It was just a harmless kiss to ring in the new year."

Lily smirks, attempts to fix the smear of her lipstick.

"Okay, I'm sorry," Dirk apologizes, mirroring Lily's smirk. "Can I make it up to you, get you a refill?"

Lily glances down at her empty plastic cup and nods.

"That would be great, thanks," she tells him and he heads off toward the refreshments.

"So, where's your boyfriend?" Dirk asks when he returns.

Lily takes a large gulp of her punch, notices that it tastes extra tangy.

"He's with his family," Lily admits.

"Ah, bummer," Dirk says. "I wanted to get his opinion on something."

"What's that?" Lily questions and then crinkles her nose.

Her voice sounds distorted, the music too high-pitched and garbled, the confetti too bright.

"Here, I'll just show you and maybe you can give me an opinion in his place," Dirk suggests, taking Lily by the arm.

"Oh—Okay—You _sound_ weird—"

She's distantly aware of snaking through the crowd and the hot, sweaty bodies writhing cluelessly around her as she's pulled up the stairs.

"Why are— we going— upstairs?" Lily stumbles over her words.

Her tongue is thick and large in her throat.

"Oh, it's up here," Dirk assures her.

" _What_ is?"

"I'm getting your opinion, remember?"

Lily is having difficulty keeping up. Her heels drag and stumble and teeter underneath her.

"I don't— feel good," she mumbles. "Maybe—Maybe another—time?"

"We're almost there," Dirk protests. "And then I promise you can lie down."

Lily follows him down a hallway and through a maze of doors.

"Whoa, you don't look too good," Dirk whispers, helping her onto a fluffy surface. "Here, just lie down and take it easy for a second."

"I want—I need to—find my friends—" Lily attempts, finds his arm holding her down.

"Your friends aren't looking for you," Dirk mutters hotly in her ear and his weight on top of her is uncomfortable and foreign. "Just relax."

"Get off," she moans.

"Why? Scared your _boyfriend_ will find out you aren't the pure little princess you pretend to be?" Dirk hisses.

There's a jolting ripping sound and he's tugging at her bra straps and she's doing her best to fight against him but she's going to _faint_ and she can't _see_ anything and her muscles are _jumpy_ and slow.

"N—No—stop—"

His belt clatters to the floor and she's feeling something warm and hard pressing against her thigh and he's pulling on her panties and Lily wants to scream but her tongue isn't _functioning_ and there's an uncomfortable pinching sensation and—

" _Lily_?"

There is a maddening holler, one of pure _rage_ , and it frightens Lily half to death. Through her bleary eyes she sees Dirk crash violently into the wall, watches as someone else tugs roughly at his silken blond hair and slams his face repeatedly into the wall.

"What the hell is going on?" she hears Marlene shout from the hallway.

A door slams in the distance.

Lily squints at the doorway where a scantily clad Marlene now stands, her hands covering her mouth as she stares at her friend in horror. Sirius appears shirtless at her side, dark red lipstick stains coating his chest, and lunges forward to haul his best friend off of Dirk.

"Prongs, mate, he's unconscious, _stop,_ " Sirius exclaims, pinning James against the now bloody wall. "Calm the fuck _down_ , man."

"He—He—and she—"

"She's _fine_ ," Sirius insists. "She was drugged. You got to her in time."

"Get him _out_ of here," Marlene shrieks. "And find me Dorcas, damn it! We're leaving."

Lily feels Marlene's soft fingertips on her skin, feels her panties shakily moving back up to their rightful place, her bra strap snapping back into position.

" _James_ , come on!" Sirius snarls, pushing his friend out of the room. "You need to call down so I can call the law enforcement squad!"

Lily blinks, begins to sob.

"Lily, breathe for me, baby girl," Marlene soothes. "You're okay now. Did he—did he—enter you?"

Lily gasps for air, can't think straight. She's terrified, she's shaking, she can't calm _down_.

The world fades to black.

* * *

 ** _(tears that still drip sore)_**

* * *

She wakes up at Dorcas's several hours later and screams.

"Sweetheart, you're okay," shushes Ambrosia Meadowes. "I need you to focus on your breathing before you have another panic attack. Can you do that for me?"

Lily gasps, in and out, clutches Dorcas's mother for dear life.

"Why am I attached to tubes?" croaks Lily.

"I've had to rehydrate you and run some tests," Ambrosia explains calmly. "Dorcas paged me from St. Mungo's and I got here as soon I could."

" _Tests_?" Lily squeaks.

She remembers distantly that Dorcas's mother is a Healer.

"Do you remember what happened to you?" Ambrosia asks.

Her eyes trail over to the foot of Dorcas's bed where her tattered black dress and heels lie forgotten. Lily feels her eyes sting.

"There was a fight," Lily whispers.

"Yes, Dirk Cresswick is currently staying the night in custody," Ambrosia informs her.

The name triggers something violent in Lily and she clutches between her thighs.

"Did—Did he—?"

"No, no, love, no," Ambrosia assures her, brushing her hair from her face and holding Lily close to her bosom.

She still has control over her virginity, thank God.

"You have James Potter to thank for that."

"P—Potter?"

"He was the first to find you," she explains. "The Cresswick's have agreed to not press charges against him and you obviously have the decision to make on whether to press charges against Dirk or not."

"I'm so sorry, Lily," comes another voice.

Lily just then notices Dorcas and Marlene in the room.

"I shouldn't have left you," Marlene apologizes tearfully. "I thought you were still with Dorcas when I went upstairs."

"You slept with Sirius?" Lily says weakly.

Marlene looks at the floor. "I should have known something like this could have happened."

"We should have stuck together," Dorcas agrees guiltily.

"How could I have been so _stupid_?" Lily sobs, clutching her head. "I just thought he was getting me a refill."

Lily stays the night with Dorcas, showers for a scalding hour under a burning faucet, and rubs her skin raw.

* * *

 ** _(i'm aiming right at you)_**

* * *

The nightmares start her first week back to Hogwarts.

When she finally tells Frank about what happened over break, he avoids her for two straight days—not because he's disgusted with her or _angry_ at her but because he wasn't there. When he works up the courage to face her again, he doesn't know what to say or how to act.

Lily craves his touch, wants to _feel_ something again and forget about Dirk Cresswick.

But he doesn't dare touch her, doesn't want to trigger anything, and she's too ashamed to tell him her needs.

Because she needs him, she needs to feel wanted again by someone other than Dirk, she just wants to get it _over_ with and be a _woman_.

Dirk had called her a pure princess...and if that's what a pure princess attracts, Lily doesn't want to be one anymore.

But when Lily takes things too far one night, Frank grips her wrists gently and shakes his head.

"You're suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder," he explains. "I know you feel like this is something you need, like this is the next step, and we can talk about that after you've had more time to heal."

"But I _want_ to," Lily insists.

"We can't do anything you might come to regret later," Frank disagrees, breaks away from her prying hands. "You're not in your right frame of mind right now."

Lily drops it, realizes he's right, wonders how long it will take her until she doesn't feel crazy anymore.

* * *

 ** _(i didn't cry today)_**

* * *

Lily buries her sexual frustration and stress disorder in her studies. She's compulsive and quiet and avoids all conversation for a period of three days, completely isolating herself.

The only person she can muster up the strength to speak to is James Potter and even that is done through a note scribbled hurriedly at the end of Potions.

 _Potter_.

She scratches it out.

 _James_ , she writes instead.

 _Thank you for what you did at the party. I can't remember much because of the drug but my friends tell me you did quite the damage to my attacker and for that I am forever in your debt. I'm sorry for my hurtful words at the Halloween party. I know that doesn't excuse my behavior, but I'm glad you didn't let it get in the way on New Years._

She pauses as she ends the letter, tries to think of what else to say, hesitates when it comes to her.

 _I hope we can someday be friends._

 _Yours truly,_

 _Lily Evans_

James goes rigid when he reads her note and she leaves the classroom in a flurry before he can respond.

He slips a note into her pocket at the dinner table that evening.

 _Lily,_

 _I'm glad you are okay._

 _No matter what, I think I'm always going to be here for you._

 _I'd like to be friends, too._

 _Always,_

 _James_

* * *

 ** _(i'm doing the best that i can)_**

* * *

The next day, she and James share a timid smile and set to work on gathering their supplies. Thankfully, he doesn't attempt conversation with her, somehow understands she's not ready yet, and she wonders when he's become so perceptive.

When Professor Slughorn attempts to provoke something other than stony silence from her, she lashes out at him and leaves Potions class thirty minutes in, abandoning James Potter in her wake.

She leaves the library late that evening to visit Professor Slughorn and apologize for her erratic behavior.

"My dear," greets her favorite professor. "I wasn't expecting a visit."

Lily manages a smile, sets a round glass fishbowl on his desk.

"My transfiguration project," she tells him proudly. "I received a rather good grade."

"A bowl of water, dear?" he questions.

She gives him a patient smile and watches his facial expression with glee as she drops a lily petal into the water. As the petal meets with the bottom of the bowl, it transforms into a beautiful goldfish.

Lily is quite proud by Slughorn's gasp of delight.

"I want you to keep it, sir," Lily tells him. "I'm very sorry for how I acted earlier this morning. I've recently gone through something _difficult_ for me and I'm trying to come to terms with it."

Professor Slughorn smiles widely, proudly, from her to the fish.

"I shall name him Francis," declares the pudgy professor gleefully. "Francis the fish."

* * *

 ** _(watch how you play)_**

* * *

Valentine's Day arrives in a parade of pink hearts, hushed giggles, and locked broom cupboards.

Dorcas and Lily pass out the valentines they've made in their art class the previous evening at the breakfast table.

"'To Snuffles, from Lily Flower'," reads Sirius over his sunny side up eggs and wipes an invisible tear from his eye.

There's a mangy looking black dog sketched and colored in on his tiny card.

"Aw, I'm touched."

She passes similar ones to Peter—addressed to "Wormy"—and Remus—addressed to "Reme".

"James," she greets as she slides her valentine over to James. "Happy Valentines Day."

James blinks in surprise, takes the card from her, and after a moment of pure shock, hurries to read it.

"'James Potter, thorn in my side, bane of my existence, Prongsy, I really could go on forever'," he reads and her stomach makes a little flop as the corner of his lips twitch upward.

On the valentine she's drawn a stag and a snitch, and at the bottom she's scribbled, "Alright, Potter?".

"I _love_ it," he gushes, smiling a brilliant 100-watt light bulb of a grin in her direction.

It makes her insides dance.

"Wow, didn't even react that way to _my_ valentine," says Hestia, raising her eyebrows at her boyfriend.

Lily takes this as her exit cue.

* * *

 ** _(come around no more)_**

* * *

The entirety of the student body worms their way into Hogsmeade that evening.

Lily and Frank manage to snag a table near the fireplace in the Three Broomsticks and order warm butterbeers. They hold hands and share each other's brownie sundaes and do things normal couples do on Valentines Day and Lily attempts very _hard_ to not glance toward the table James Potter and Hestia Jones are seated at.

The doors to the pub open wide, blowing in a gust of chills and snow, and Lily's lungs stop functioning. Dirk Cresswick saunters haughtily into the pub, winking boldly at her as he passes her and settles himself at a table next to his date.

And then Lily sees him press his lips to Emmeline Vance's cheek and suddenly she has tunnel vision and all she can hear is the clatter of Dirk's belt buckle when he removed his pants and the rip of her dress and she's jumping to her feet, fleeing toward the door—

"Oi!"

Lily watches in fascinated horror as James Potter stalks across the pub, gathers Dirk roughly by the collar, and shoves him into the table, causing it to slam forcefully into the pub's wall.

"Are you _insane_?" squeals Emmeline, scurrying out of the way.

"Are _you_?" James counters. "Do you _know_ who you're on a date with? Do you know the type of _scum_ you just allowed to kiss you or what he's _done_?"

Emmeline looks genuinely shaken by his words, glances worriedly at Dirk.

"What's going on?" questions Frank, concern etched across his handsome features. "Why'd you get up like that?"

"It's _him_ ," Lily points out, gesturing to Dirk.

Frank stills, goes silent.

"Bugger off, Potter," snarls Dirk.

"The only person in this pub that needs to bugger off is _you_ ," James spits.

There's a loud _clang_ as a pitcher of mulled mead is knocked over in Dirk's failed attempt to punch James. Fast as a whip, James has Dirk in a headlock.

"That's quite enough!" hollers Rosmerta. "Both of you are banished from here for the rest of the night. Your dates need to leave, too."

Hestia is a frenzy of fire and flared nostrils as she shoves past Lily.

"This is all your fault," she seethes at Lily. "All you are is drama. You know, sometimes he acts more like _your_ boyfriend than mine."

James and Dirk are escorted out by a barkeep and thrown into the wintry night, followed closely by Emmeline.

"Em," Lily stops her, "you can't see someone like Dirk Cresswick. Please, he's bad news."

Emmeline stares at Lily hard, like she used to when they were friends sharing secrets on the astronomy tower. She must see something especially fearful in Lily's eyes because she nods.

"O—Okay," she promises Lily. "There was something off about his aura anyway..."

After Emmeline's exit, Frank turns pointedly to Lily.

"You know, Hestia's got a valid point," he says. "James Potter does tend to act like your boyfriend. It makes it hard to be your _actual_ boyfriend."

Lily simmers.

"You're kidding, right?" she scoffs. "Another boyfriend intimidated by James Potter."

Frank glares at her. "Well, can you blame me? He is _always_ there."

"So are you," Lily points out. "The difference is that James reacts and you don't."

"Oh, so now suddenly you want me to start defending your honor?" snorts Frank. "Do you want me to start acting like James Potter and pummeling anyone that sets you off, is that it?"

"I have never needed anyone to defend me," Lily argues. "However, it's flattering on occasion that James takes the effort to do so anyway. I don't know why you are being so defensive about him, either, considering he prevented _your_ girlfriend from being _raped_."

"I wasn't _there_ ," Frank reminds her sourly. "It might have been a different story had I been."

"It absolutely would have been a different story," Lily tells him fiercely. "I would have stayed with you the entire night, kissed you at midnight instead of being preyed upon by Dirk, and Dirk would have found someone else to drug and lure upstairs."

Lily sighs.

"Frank, I don't blame you for not coming to that party," Lily tells him. "I didn't have to be there either, but I was, and I made the mistake of letting someone else handle my drink. But something horrible happened to me that night and the difference between you and James Potter is that when Dirk came in here tonight and flirted with me, right in _front_ of you, you did nothing and James confronted him."

Frank looks guiltily down at his shoes.

"James wasn't just defending _me_ ," Lily reminds Frank. "He was preventing the same thing that happened to me from happening to Emmeline."

Frank remains silent.

"Even you admit that James Potter acts as if he's my boyfriend," Lily continues coolly. "Why would he feel the need to step in when I already _have_ one? The real problem here isn't James Potter, Frank. If you have such a problem with James stealing your spotlight all the time, maybe you should do something about it for once. Maybe you should evaluate the type of boyfriend you want to be and figure out why James threatens you so much."

She stalks off toward the castle, leaving Frank a hot mess.

* * *

 ** _(you're crazy, bitch)_**

* * *

Around the time Lily and Frank make up, Hestia decides she's sick of James Potter. She proves this when she's caught in a scandalous lip war with her ex-boyfriend in a broom closet and exposed as a cheater in front of the student body.

Lily is teasing James ruthlessly over his intense need for a haircut as they head toward Defense, when Hestia is pulled from the broom closet by Professor McGonagall and grabs their attention from several corridors down.

"Who's McGonagall screeching at now?" mutters James.

Sirius and him share a knowing smile. "Reckon she's found someone in that broom cupboard again?"

"We are going to be late," complains Lily, hurrying after them.

James stops abruptly and Lily and Sirius barrel right into him.

"Oh my God," Lily gasps, watching as McGonagall swats the Hufflepuff boy's backside with a rolled up copy of her Daily Prophet.

Hestia is in the process of buttoning up her blouse when she spots James and goes red.

"Well, if you weren't so obsessed with _her_ maybe I wouldn't have done it!" she defends.

James begins to cackle hysterically, so much so that Sirius grabs Lily in alarm.

"I think he's cracked," he whispers to Lily in concern. "Should we attempt moving him to the hospital wing?"

"Sirius, be serious," Lily says and Sirius smirks at her.

"I see what you did there."

Meanwhile, Hestia is crying in embarrassment, demanding to know why James is laughing at her and James is coughing up a lung.

"James, come on," Lily urges, tugging on his arm. "We should go before this turns into a bigger scene."

James continues hacking out sputtering laughs the entire way to Defense. He finally stops laughing as they near the door to the classroom and grows scarily calm.

"James, I'm so sorry," Lily says to him. "If you need to talk—"

"I can't believe I've been cheated on," James finally says.

He glances between Sirius and Lily in shock.

"Good riddance, I say," Sirius comforts, slapping him loudly on the back. "I was really beginning to think you deserved better anyway. Wouldn't you agree, Lily?"

James doesn't see the triumphant grin that Sirius throws over his shoulder at Lily.

He also doesn't notice the small smile that lurks at the edges of Lily's lips.

* * *

 _End of VII: 1976-1977_

 _Part Three_

* * *

As always, I live only for your feedback, so please leave me a review down below! 1977-1978 Part I will be up soon.


	8. Chapter 8

**If I Die Young**

* * *

 **Disclaimer:** I own absolutely nothing from the Harry Potter universe. This fanfiction is written purely for entertainment purposes and nothing more, though all ideas and writing are done by me and belong to me.

 **A/N:** Hello, all! I'm so grateful to be receiving more reviews and hearing feedback from you guys! I love all of you! I really hope you enjoy this chapter.

Enjoy!

—Annie

* * *

 **VIII**

 _1977-1978_

 _Part One_

* * *

 _We touch,_ _I feel a rush_

 _We clutch_

 _It isn't much but its enough_

 _to make me wonder what's in store for us_

 _It's lust, its torturous_

 _—Eminem_

* * *

 ** _(notice you, noticing me_ _)_**

* * *

The morning of March twenty-first brings a creeping, orange sunrise and the first calling of a songbird outside Lily's window. She isn't typically a morning person, yet Lily wakes with a delightfully rare energy to a room full of innocently snoring girls, notices the song tweeting outside her window, and dresses quickly.

For the first time since October, Lily doesn't wear her cloak as she sneaks out of her dorm room, watches small dust motes slow dance with the sun rays pooling in from the stained windows in the corridor. She exits the castle with a greedy inhale, breathing deeply the dewy, misty morning.

 _Springtime._

She isn't the first to rise to take advantage of the beautiful cool morning, she notices. There's a tiny speck zooming around the Quidditch pitch and somehow Lily just _knows_ it is James Potter.

She doesn't like that she knows this, but she does, deep in her gut, in her bones, in her _veins_.

As the week goes by, spring rears its head with powerful excitement—the trees spring forward with lush, vibrant blossoms, the world pops with displays of color, the days are longer and breezier. The students shed their layers, take their lunches and study sessions outside, and crowd the lake with Saturday afternoon swims.

The castle is abuzz with smiles, new romances, and a particular influx of mischief from the Marauders. Even the teachers are in peculiarly suspicious good moods.

Lily's just trying not to sneeze herself to death.

* * *

 ** _(can't get you outta my head)_**

* * *

"So, let me get this straight," Lily says between her hysterical laughter. "Your mother's name is _Augusta_?"

Frank nods and his grin dances enticingly in the firelight. He winds his fingers through hers, cuddles her closer to his body on the common room couch. It's nearing midnight but neither of them are tired.

"Why did she tell me her name was _Sherry_?" Lily caws.

"It's her middle name," Frank shares. "She likes to go by it, thinks it sounds more _natural_."

Lily blinks, coughs out another laugh. It echoes around the empty common room, bouncing joyfully off the walls.

"That's _hysterical."_

"Don't tell her I told you or she will skin me alive," Frank demands, sharing in Lily's raucous laughter.

"We should keep it down," Lily giggles after their fit subsides. "We don't want to wake anyone."

Frank is still grinning as he nods and Lily sees something warm and expressive pass over Frank's pupils as he stares at her gleaming face. The smile slowly slips off his lips and is replaced by an 'O', as if he's just been surprised by some kind of realization.

"Why are you staring at me like that?" Lily questions, worming out of his arms to glance at his face better.

He remains frozen in that state, just staring incredulously at her.

" _Frank_?" she wonders, lightly shaking his shoulder. "What's going on? You're scaring me."

He shakes his head slowly, his smile returning slowly, warmer than she's ever seen it. He takes a deep, steadying breath, grabs her small hand in his, and presses a long, hard kiss to her knuckles.

"I love you, Lily," he whispers into her ear, brushing his fingers adoringly through her red locks. "I _love_ you."

Her heart stammers to a stop. She's never had a boy tell her such a thing, has been waiting to hear those words, and is frozen at his racing chest in response.

"Oh, Frank," she whispers happily, dazed, "I do, too."

And of course she loves him and of course it feels right—the timing is right, the delivery is right, the setting is right. They've had intense feelings for each other long before they became official and Lily's known for a while know that this is the appropriate step forward. She's happy and yes, she loves him. It's all so very _right_ , Lily almost worries it's too good to be true.

But despite how right it feels and how long she's been waiting to be in love and how her heart hums in pleasant approval over Frank, there's something that feels deeply, _wrongly_ off.

And she realizes with a smoldering sort of panic that it's because when Frank had said those words to her and Lily's heart had ceased to beat, in that small nanosecond just before Lily reciprocated, an image slithered unwelcome through her brain and glossed over her eyes.

A pair of brazen hazel eyes, a fop of inky hair, and a crooked grin.

* * *

 ** _(you cut my strings)_**

* * *

Lily receives a letter from home over Easter weekend.

Her dad has become very serious with a woman he's been seeing since Lily last left over winter break. Her name is Aubrey and she looks like her mum but she doesn't belittle him or complain about the state of his shirt wrinkles and doesn't cheat on her with his patients. Aubrey cooks him hearty meals and does his wash and is a nurse and doesn't belittle him or complain about the state of his shirt wrinkles.

He's happy with her.

Petunia is also moving forward, apparently.

"She's engaged," Lily announces over breakfast that morning, brandishing her letter at the group around her. " _Petunia_ is getting married to the bloke with the _tie-pin_. Can you even believe it?"

Lily doesn't know quite how to feel. Frank rubs her back uncertainly—he's not sure quite how Lily feels either.

"Who's getting married?" questions James with curiosity, joining their group at the table.

Lily's nose wrinkles upward as he slips in next to a tired looking Sirius—he smells like Quidditch practice. James piles a ridiculous handful of bacon onto his breakfast plate, joins it with strawberry jam covered wheat toast and scrambled eggs, and chases it with a large glass of orange juice.

"Lily's sister," Alice explains helpfully from her seat next to Frank.

Marlene and Sirius both reach for the pitcher of pumpkin juice at the same time, smirk at each other playfully. Lily doesn't understand either of them or how they can manage to shag each other once and return to normal as if nothing happened between them, both lusting after other people almost like clockwork.

"I didn't know you had a sister, Evans," James comments, his hazel eyes sweeping over Lily's frowning face.

"She doesn't like talking about her much," Frank informs him, shrugging at James's responding eyebrow raise. "They don't get along well."

"Don't look at her like that, Prongs," Sirius admonishes, whacking James over the head lightly. "I'm not the only one that hates their sibling. It's not _that_ bizarre."

Lily sighs heavily. "I don't _hate_ her. She hates _me_."

James frowns.

" _Why_?"

"She thinks that I'm a freak because I'm magical," Lily tell him quietly.

"Surely you don't actually believe that," James says, reading her carefully. When Lily's eyes droop down to her breakfast ham, James's eyes go wide. "You do?"

"Sometimes," Lily whispers.

"You _aren't_ a freak, Evans," James insists passionately. "That's a horrible thing for her to say and you should _never_ believe it. I'll bet she's just _jealous_."

She feels Frank's fingers pressing deeper into her back muscles.

* * *

 ** _(little bottles of love potion)_**

* * *

In May, their Potions class has to perfect Amortentia.

"The love potion?" squawks Lily.

Professor Slughorn bubbles with excitement, claps his hands together, and nods exuberantly in her direction.

"Yes, my dear," he says. "It is my favorite project of the curriculum by far."

She peeks at James from behind her curtain of hair, finds him staring at her thoughtfully.

"Isn't it supposed to smell different for everyone?" questions Sirius.

"Yes, indeed, Mr. Black," answers Professor Slughorn. "It will smell differently to each person based on what attracts them. It's really quite fascinating."

In his seat next to Sirius, Severus looks incredibly bored.

"Imagine Sirius and Snape brewing a love potion together," Lily whispers to James, who begins to cough like mad to cover up a fit of giggles that erupt from his throat.

Lily smiles widely—she loves making him laugh.

"You have to the end of the class period," instructs Slughorn. "I want two vials of perfect love potion on my desk by the time the bell rings."

Lily and James jump into action and gather their supplies.

"This can't be right, can it?" James wonders, sneaking a peek at Lily's notes.

"No, it seems correct to me," Lily says, double checking her notes. "See the color and consistency? It's supposed to look like pearls."

"Yeah, but shouldn't we be smelling something by now?"

Lily chews at her burgundy painted fingernail.

"Yes."

"Then we've done it wrong," James mumbles in agitation.

"Well, maybe we aren't close enough," Lily rationalizes. "Get closer to it, see if you can smell anything."

The steam from the potion spirals up hotly into their faces, licking their cheeks with moisture.

"Nothing?" Lily asks. " _Really?_ "

"Well, maybe I'd be able to concentrate on smelling better if you weren't so bloody close to me," James gripes.

"What have I got to do with your sense of smell?"

"All I can bloody smell is your _perfume_ ," James grates at her in frustration. "Not to mention your hair product. Really, Evans, how much Sleakeazy do you need to put in your hair every bloody morning?"

"I ran out of that perfume two months ago," Lily points out, scrunching up her nose. "And I gave the last of my hair product to Dorcas a week ago."

"That's impossible because I'm smelling it right now and it's absolutely overpowering," James argues.

He then gestures to the necklace of wild flowers she normally wears around her neck.

"And that ridiculously strong odor your flowers are giving off is getting in the way of it, too, I'd reckon."

"What are you _on_ about?" Lily inquires, completely confused. To show him just how crazy he's sounding, she bares him her naked neck for inspection. "The chain on my necklace broke this morning while I was getting ready. I'm not wearing it."

James pauses, cocks his head to the side. Then, all of a sudden, he rears up and wrinkles his nose.

"Good lord, Evans," James coughs, waving his hand in front of his face. "Your breath stinks of burned sugar."

" _Burned sugar_?" Lily laughs. "Are you mad? Seriously, are you having some type of episode? How do you reckon my breath smells of sugar?"

"I don't bloody know," snaps James, his face reddening. "Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you are constantly sucking on sugar quills—and the most awful flavor of them, too. Who in their right mind likes _toasted marshmallow_ sugar quills?"

"I haven't had any sugar quills!" flares Lily, hands on her hips. "Now stop being so absurd and pay attention to the bloody potion. If you keep distracting me, we are going to fail this assignment."

Lily leans in to inspect the potion more accurately and is suddenly overpowered by a very familiar scent. It wafts into her nostrils greedily and she has to close her eyes for a second as she places it. She straightens, frowns over at James.

"Did you practice Quidditch this morning?" she asks him.

He pauses from rifling through his textbook and shakes his head. "Nope."

"Really? Because it practically _reeks_ of leather and sweat in here," Lily complains.

"What's that got to do with me?" ponders James.

"Your Quidditch uniform," Lily tells him. "You smell of Quaffles and leather shoulder pads and sweat for like three days after you've played, no matter how many times you insist you've showered."

"That's a lie," James grumbles.

Lily sniffs deeply.

"You had bacon for breakfast again, didn't you?"

"Negative," he answers. "I had porridge."

Lily crosses her arms over her chest.

"But I smell _bacon_ ," Lily insists. "And _firewood_. Is someone burning their potion?"

"Perhaps they're building a campfire, Evans," James teases her.

" _Your_ breath stinks of butterbeer," she retaliates and then pauses. "Hang on, that's not possible. How do you smell like butterbeer?"

"Beats me, but really, nothing you've said has made any sense," James tells her and flags down their professor. "Professor Slughorn, could we have a moment?"

"What's the question, my boy?" wonders the teacher.

"We don't what we've done wrong, sir," James explains, waving his hand over the mess of notes spread over their station. "Everything looks like it should but we haven't been able to smell anything."

Slughorn pauses, furrows his brow, and leans over the cauldron. He takes in a great big sniff and hums out pleasantly.

"Hummus, warm bread, Spring rain, and mulled mead," he breathes out and then glances up at his two students. "I don't see the problem here. You both have made a perfect quality love potion. Really, it's the best I've seen yet."

And then Lily realizes something alarming.

The leather and sweat, the fried bacon, the firewood, the butterbeer—it's _her_ Amortentia. And Lily's black cherry merlot perfume, the wild flowers, the toasted marshmallow sugar quills, the hair product—it's James's Amortentia.

They turn to look at each other with horrified understanding.

" _You're_ my Amortentia," they chorus.

* * *

 ** _(a warning to the people)_**

* * *

Lily and James do not speak about the love potion. To be certain that the topic of what happened in Potions isn't brought up, Lily avoids speaking to James for the remainder of the day.

That evening, the atmosphere in the Great Hall is dreary and strangely silent.

Lily dines over baked potato and shredded chicken, twitching nervously next to Frank. She decides telling him about the Potions fiasco is not needed and thankfully, James seems to share her thought.

"You are being oddly quiet, Prongs," notes Sirius grumpily, spearing a cooked carrot with his fork. "You've hardly spoken since we left Potions this morning."

"Not feeling great," James responds, eyes flickering to Lily's.

They glance away quickly and Lily's knee resumes it's nervous twitching.

"You okay?" Frank wonders, stroking her thigh.

"Just a long day," she lies with a pretty smile and reaches for her glass of pumpkin juice.

Next to her, Remus is strangely pale while studying his evening edition of the _Daily Prophet,_ a deep frown plastered to his face and his eyebrows knitted together in concern. With a heavy sigh and a worried inhale, Remus sets down his newspaper, flattens it over their meals despite Sirius's protests, and points at the page he's been inspecting.

"That's the second one this year," Remus explains darkly.

"Why's he killing of goblins?" wonders Frank.

"It's You Know Who, does he _need_ a reason?" counters Alice, shuddering.

"That's not all," Remus continues, pointing to the next page.

 _Four Dead In Family Massacre_ , the title reads. _The Dark Mark Left Over Brutal Scene._

"He's getting ballsy," mutters Sirius blackly.

Peter squirms next to James while Sirius squints over at the Slytheirn table in disgust. "How many of them do you think he's got wrapped around his pretty little finger, just chomping at the bit for recruitment?"

Lily's stomach twists sickly as her eyes meet with Severus's black, beady ones. They glare at each other.

"I'm sure they've already been recruited, mate," James says. "I'll bet they're doing his dirty work right now."

"It's getting worse, isn't it?" Marlene frets, growing pale as she passes the newspaper back to Remus, who folds it up and places it in his pocket. "He's killing muggles too. It's all over the news back at home. Mum's getting really worried."

Alice reaches over to the blonde, grasps her hand tightly from across the table.

"He's not going to hurt her," Alice promises. "He'll be stopped before we can even dream of that nightmare happening, Marly."

Lily and James share another glance, one that clearly speaks what nobody is willing to admit.

That war is building on the horizon and the psychopath that calls himself Lord Voldemort is growing more powerful, his followers advancing and coming out of the wood-work. He's killing muggles, muggles like her father and her sister and the elderly couple two doors down that garden together. He's butchering muggleborns like herself, displaying their bodies like vulgar prizes on the streets.

"It'll be fine," Frank assures her, presses his lips to her temple.

But despite his comforting vows, Lily's sleep that night is plagued with nightmares, images of her neighborhood up in flames, a neon green snake and skull positioned over the city in the sky above, her home flooding with an endless sea of blood.

She's drowning in it, sinking and retching, and all she can hear against her eardrums are the screams of her sister's corpse upstairs, blaming Lily for bringing evil into their home because of her _freaks_.

Freak, freak, _freak._

Lily begs for death.

* * *

 ** _(oh, you're in my veins)_**

* * *

"Couldn't sleep either?"

Lily pauses from picking at her burgundy nail polish, glances to the stair where James Potter is standing in a pair of black sweatpants and a cotton shirt.

"Nightmares," she confides.

He settles next to her on the opposite end of the couch, the crackling firelight dancing in the reflection of his rectangle frame glasses.

"Bit of a crazy day," James agrees, running a hand absentmindedly through his dark hair. "It's understandable."

Lily notices with a twinge of a smile how it's slightly messier than usual, longer around the ends, and sticking up in the back from his tossing and turning.

"You okay?" James asks, watching as she scrapes the polish off her thumbnail.

"Not really," Lily admits. "I keep thinking about that murdered family."

She rubs at the goosebumps on the flesh of her neck despite the heat of the fire against her back.

"Is that what your nightmares were about?" he questions, gazing intently at her.

Lily stuffs her hands in the front pocket of her sweatshirt, shakes her head.

"Sort of, in a more selfish sense," she responds quietly. "I was thinking about my family, about _me_."

James nods in understanding, scratches an itch on his kneecap. "I was too."

"I'm—James, I'm—scared."

"I would be a little concerned for your mental health if you weren't," he cracks and a smile pulls at the edge of Lily's lips, hesitant and unsure.

"You aren't going to tell me I'm overreacting?" Lily inquires. "Not going to assure me that everything's going to be fine and there's nothing to worry about and it will never happen to me?"

James's tongue darts out to wet his lips and he regards her carefully.

"Nope," he finally answers. "I reckon you've heard those things enough."

"I just need someone to be _real_ with me," Lily shares. "I'm not stupid—I understand there's a great risk out there. I _know_ things are getting worse and the people that _do_ agree with me like Remus refuse to speak about it."

"It's not something a lot of people want to dwell on," James points out. "Besides, Remus has enough on his mind right now with the full moon coming up."

Lily sighs, her head falls into her hands.

"I'm an idiot," she grumbles. "I had completely forgotten."

She feels his fingertips against the fabric of her navy sweatshirt.

"You aren't an idiot," James tells her kindly. "I happen to think you're quite the opposite."

They remain quiet for several more moments until Lily can't stand the quiet anymore. She flicks on a nearby radio with a slice of her wand. A Celestina Warbeck tune warbles out.

"There's hope, at least I know that," James suddenly says, causing Lily to glance up at him. "There's a secret organization called the Order of the Phoenix. It was founded by Dumbledore himself. I'm not even supposed to know about it but sometimes they hold meetings at my house and Sirius and I listen in—my parent's are part of it, you know."

Lily sits up straighter as she listens, finds herself inching toward him in interest.

"And they're against him? Voldemort, I mean," Lily says and James cocks his head to the side.

"You say his name," James notices, somewhat proudly.

"I'm not afraid of his name," Lily explains. "I'm afraid of what he does to people, of what he might do to the ones I love. I'm afraid of the wizard, not his self-proclaimed title."

"My dad's the same way," James shares. "He's an Auror, though, so he's not afraid of anything, really."

"That's not true," Lily disagrees. "He's obviously afraid of what Voldemort might do, what he might do to _you_. If he wasn't, he wouldn't have joined the Order in the first place."

"You're right, I guess," James eventually agrees. "Sometimes it's hard to remember that my dad can be afraid, just like everyone else."

They are quiet for a few more minutes, enjoying the song drifting from the common room radio.

"So, uh—about earlier—in Potions—"

Lily stiffens, watches James scratch his neck.

"Potter, I'm not talking about that," she tells him firmly.

"Oh, so now I'm back to Potter, am I?" he responds in irritation. "Come _on_ , Lily, we can't just pretend it didn't happen."

"We can and we will," Lily grates. "I'm not getting into this with you."

"Lily, we have to consider what it means—"

"It doesn't _mean_ anything!" Lily cries. "Our potion went wonky—"

"We got a perfect score—"

"Please, just drop it, okay?"

" _Why_?" James growls. "Lily, it means something, I _know_ it. Why can't you just admit that?"

"Because I _can't_ ," Lily replies lamely, feeling her hands shake. "I just can't."

James stares at her bleakly.

"Does it really bother you that much, the idea of you and me actually—?"

Lily sucks in an unsteady breath, releases it with an exaggerated huff, glares at him desperately, and nods.

"Okay, fine," he finally gives in, frowning. "I'll drop it."

"Thank you," she breathes in relief.

James nods stiffly, stony silent next to her, his hand balled up in a fist at his side.

"I'm sorry," Lily apologizes after a moment, once she's cooled down. "It's just that I—"

"I'm tired," he cuts her off, gets to his feet. "I'm going back to bed."

"James?" she calls after him in confusion. "James, are you seriously _upset_ that—?"

He pauses on the top of the staircase, gives her a futile once over, and shakes his head.

"You really just don't get it, do you?" he mutters in her direction.

"Get _what_?"

"Goodnight, Evans," he sighs before turning his back on her and slipping out of sight.

Several seconds later, the door to the boys dormitory snaps shut.

* * *

 ** _(this dark place in my head)_**

* * *

The following week, in Defense Against the Dark Arts, they are taught about Unforgivables.

The lesson unnerves Lily immensely, especially in light of certain events.

"That's the worst one," Alice insists after learning _Crucio_. "Can you even imagine being tortured? How awful must that be?"

Macnair smiles greedily at Lily when they learn about the Imperius curse. A sick image of Macnair controlling her body with his wand makes Lily tremble. James stiffens from across the room, watching Macnair closely. He elbows Sirius pertly in the side and the two of them glare the Slytherin down.

James and Sirius make sure to escort Lily and Alice to their next class.

* * *

 ** _(feel the pulse beat, beat, beat)_**

* * *

It's the night before they return home for the summer holiday and the sun is setting in a screenplay of hues—sherbet orange, champagne pink, bubbly lavender, veiny red.

The sun is fire on the lake and Lily settles on a nearby rock wall, peeps a toe into the warm, rippling blood red water, brushes her heel against the wall of algae climbing up the side of the rock wall. The lake calms her, helps usher away the thoughts of Vernon Dursley and his soon-to-be bride who _still_ hasn't written to ask her to be a bridesmaid.

She feels like the future is coming in hot on her heels, nipping and snarling. Everything is changing and she is having trouble adjusting to the idea of returning home because that means when she returns to Hogwarts in September, it will be her last school year at her beloved castle. Before she knows it she will be running amok in the real world trying to find a job at the _Daily Prophet_ as an _intern_ or something and her sister will be _married_ and Aubrey will more than likely move in with her father and Lily will need to get her own _place_ if that's the case because that's just _too strange_ for her—

"I thought you might be out here."

Lily nearly jumps from her skin, the water sloshing around her feet as she turns to face James Potter.

"We were all looking for you," he continues. "You missed the end of year feast."

She sighs heavily.

"I wasn't that hungry," Lily admits.

"Got a lot on your mind?" James asks.

She nods numbly.

"Mind if I join you?"

Lily scrunches up her face at him. "Isn't there some kind of raging party in the Gryffindor Tower tonight?"

"Well, yeah," James says nonchalantly, slipping onto the rock wall next to her, "but it won't be half as fun without you there."

"If you've come to snatch me to your end of year party, I'm not interested," Lily says. "I don't want to think about going home right now."

"Okay, no party," James laughs and rolls up his pant legs, slips his hairy legs into the crimson water.

"I heard about what you did with Rosier last night," Lily tells him, accidentally bumping her calf against his shin in the water.

James shrugs. "It wasn't a big deal."

"It _was_ ," Lily corrects. "He was antagonizing Alice when she was unarmed and you stood up for her. Who knows what he might have done had you not come around when you did."

"She's like a sister to me," James admits. "I'd never let anything happen to any of you."

The weight of his words do not go unnoticed by Lily.

"Do you think of me as a sister?" she wonders and then immediately mentally smacks herself. "Sorry, don't answer that. That was a weird question for me to ask you."

 _Why_ did she _say_ that?

James chuckles, glances at her curiously.

"No, I don't think of you like a sister," he replies and his eyes darken with some sort of intense emotion that makes Lily's insides squirm.

Lily gulps, finding it difficult to breathe.

"You are a better person than you let on, you know," Lily tells him. "Why don't you show that side of you more often?"

James looks away from her, to the water. The hairs on his leg brush and tickle against hers.

"People will start to expect it from me," James eventually answers. "I don't like living up to other's expectations of myself. It's a lot of pressure to live up to."

"You sound as if you speak from experience," Lily notices.

James shrugs. "My dad is pretty strict with me sometimes. My parents are quite old, you see, but they had wanted several children. They couldn't have kids until I came along though and by then there was just no possible way for more children. Mum spoiled me and Dad...well, Dad expected a lot out of me, me being his only son. I think that he always thought I would be more than what I am and I really hate disappointing him. I figured, why disappoint anyone else?"

Lily presses her lips together. It's the realest she's ever seen James Potter be with her.

"I don't think you'll disappoint anyone," Lily tells him truthfully.

"I disappoint you," he challenges.

Lily reaches over, grasps his hand. He threads his fingers almost urgently through hers, welcomes her touch.

"No, you really don't," Lily shares. "I know I can be hard on you and I'm sorry for that. But I'm only that way because I know there's so much more to you, so much more you can be."

She squeezes his hand gently.

"I see glimpses of this person, of this really good man, and I know that's who you really are, but you cover it up with this ridiculous bravado, this showmanship that you put on for your speculators," she tells him. "I know you're a talented wizard, a good student if you put in the effort, but you hide it away with this _act_ you put on and it's infuriating. It's not the _real you_."

"You always know just what to say to make me feel rotten about myself, don't you?" James chuckles and she elbows him.

"I _mean_ it," she says.

"Careful, Evans, I might start to think you like me."

Lily rolls her eyes.

"Can't you be serious for like five seconds?" she hisses.

"Can't you _stop_ being serious for like five seconds?" he counters cheekily, smirking. "Seriously, Evans, don't you have any fun?"

A devious smirk snakes across her mouth and her stomach bubbles up with delightful giggles and James looks genuinely worried that she's lost her mind, finally cracked.

With one fell swoop of her hand and a well placed kick, James flops into the water. He emerges a half-second later, shaking out his sopping hair like a wet dog. He's gaping openly at her, amazed that she's actually pushed him in the lake.

"Fun enough for you now, Potter?" she giggles and at his surprised face, she falls back on to the rock wall and begins to giggle uncontrollably until her stomach hurts.

"Yeah, yeah, har har, bloody good show, Evans," James mocks, swimming to her side as she straightens and wipes the tears from her eyes. "How's _this_ for being serious?"

She realizes his intent a split second too late and before she knows it, he's dragging her over his shoulder and throwing her into the depths of the lake. She squeals as she breaks the surface, fire in her eyes and blood rushing to her face.

"You can dish it but you can't take it?" he taunts, grinning.

"I'm going to _kill_ you," she threatens, treading water.

"I'd very much like to see you try, darling," he snorts.

She showers him in a wave of water, splashing him mercilessly until he's bellowing and shouting at her and they're both laughing a ridiculous amount, their clothes soaking wet and peeling to their skin.

He grabs her roughly, picks her up like he's going to toss her, and then his eyes gleam with that intense, darkened emotion again, and there's something that settles warmly in Lily's abdomen as he lowers her back into the water slowly, _agonizingly_ slowly, her body grazing his on the way down.

Their breaths fluster out around them, heavy and damp and _humid_ , like hot dripping sweat in a tropical forest and she shakes against the tough creases of his skin and the careful brush of his fingertips on the bare skin of her back. His body shifts against hers, drawing her close— _too_ close—and tangling a hand in her dark red hair.

Something pinches in Lily's nether region, warming over and spreading over her abdomen like a heat wave. She can't control the boiling in her veins or the way the skin between his shoulder blades slips slickly under her wet fingers as his shirt rides up under the water or the way his breaths land haggard and spent on her throbbing throat.

It's a heat and an intensity that Lily just can't _take_ , doesn't know what to do with, and it's overpowering every sense in her body.

All she can concentrate on is his _scent_ —woodsy and sweaty and _mouthwatering_. There's something heady and searing and _desperate_ forming in James's hazel eyes and she _knows_ by the way he gazes at her lips what he plans on doing, what he _wants_ from her. It sends Lily's heart into a panicked frenzy, and something is building and bubbling inside Lily's chest, steaming and coiling and _snapping_ —

Suddenly, he's slamming her into the rock wall behind them, kissing her like she's his only way of survival, and there's lightning erupting in Lily's veins, cackling and tumbling through her blood vessels, through her capillaries, into the sinews of her muscles and the marrow of her bones. His lips are like silk pillows and it's just so _easy_ for Lily's own to respond with equal, _easy_ fervor. It quakes her breath right out of her, breaks something hard in her chest cavity, explodes every brain cell in her mind. Her fingernails rake against his flesh, their tongues dancing hotly around the other's, and James jolts, groans loudly into her mouth.

" _God_ ," she hisses out as his lips find the hollow of her neck, his hot breath shuddering onto the sensitive skin. "Oh, _God_."

Somehow, hearing the moans of unrepressed _pleasure_ that spill from her lips makes Lily pause. She freezes, goes rigid against James's firm torso, and begins to hyperventilate as he continues devouring her neck, as her head rolls back against the hard rock wall. She suddenly can't breath and she knows this is wrong and _merlin_ how does he _know_ her neck is a pleasure point?

"Stop, _stop,"_ she sputters, bracing her palms against his chest.

He immediately goes stiff, his eyes fly open, and they both stare at each other in awed horror.

"Lily—"

"No," she gasps, shoving him off of her. "Oh, God, no. What did we just _do_?"

"Lily, please, I—"

He reaches for her desperately but she's almost scrambling out of the lake, pulling herself up roughly against the rock wall.

"Don't go," he pleads with her, urgent and reckless and careless. "Just stay with me, please. Let's talk this out."

But Lily can't _talk_ this out. If she stays one more godforsaken minute with James Potter in this state, she's afraid she'll do more damage.

She flees into the castle, leaving him stranded in the massive lake, and she doesn't breathe right until she crashes into the showers, flings off her soaking clothes, and curls up naked in the freezing water.

It's only then that she allows herself to cry, to gasp, to shut James Potter and his wandering hands and his demanding mouth out of her thoughts.

* * *

 ** _(never let me go)_**

* * *

The next morning, James catches Lily in the hallway, just outside the Great Hall.

"Can I have a sec?" he wonders, grasping her arm.

"No," Lily bites, trying and failing to loosen his hold on her arm. "You may not."

"Lily—"

"I have a carriage to find, James," she hisses.

Frank shifts at Lily's side, watches them closely.

"It's fine, Lil, I'll find us a carriage," he offers, slapping James on the back.

"No, really—"

"Thanks, mate," James says and Frank wanders off in search for a carriage.

"I have nothing to say to you," Lily bristles. "Please, leave me alone."

"Lily, we _kissed_ last night," James whispers persistently. "I can't just forget that happened and I know you can't either."

"James, I have a _boyfriend_ ," she reminds him. "Last night was a mistake. I was feeling vulnerable and we got too close and it just happened and it never will again and—"

"Have you told him?" James questions quietly.

Lily bites her lip. "N—No. No, I haven't."

"Are you going to?"

"I don't know."

James nods, brings her closer to him so that she can feel the heat erupting between them once more.

"Lily, I know you're with Frank and I know what happened last night was unexpected for both of us, but this isn't coincidence anymore," James insists, cupping her cheek in a way that makes Lily want to curl up inside his skin and never leave it.

"Stop, you don't know what you are saying," she urges.

"I _do,_ actually," he argues hotly. "Lily, our love potions smell of each other. There's an undeniable connection between us, this intensity that can never sort itself out no matter how hard we try to squash it. Lil, that _kiss_ was the best thing that's happened to me. Last night was the best night of my _life_. Lily—"

"James, please, don't go there," she pleads and several tears plop onto the material of his shirt as her holds her close, brushes his hands lovingly over her long hair.

She knows that if she hears it from him, there's no going back. She knows there's nothing she can do to prevent the rush of emotions sure to come when he says it.

"I love you, Lily Evans," he declares quietly in her ear. "I have loved you for quite some time now. You and I are meant to be together and I _know_ you feel it too. I can see it in the way you look at me now, the way you're trying to fight it. Lily, I will _always_ love you."

The tears flow freely from Lily's green eyes and her heart caves in, pummeling down an endless black abyss.

"James, I love Frank," she says tearfully and he releases a deep, broken breath. "Last night was a mistake and I love _Frank_."

James pulls away from her, looking battered and broken. She thinks she sees a sheen to his eyes, as if he's trying hard not to cry himself. He swallows hard.

"Why did you have to kiss me?" she cries, shoving him. " _Why_? We were finally in a good place, things were calm between us, we were _friends_ and we were _happy_ like that."

"Lily, please don't do this—"

"Why do you always have to ruin _everything_?"

She runs past him, into the blustery summer wind, and leaves him in the dust.

* * *

 _End of VIII: 1977-1978_

 _Part One_

* * *

As always, I live only for your feedback, so please leave me a review down below! 1977-1978 Part II will be up soon.


	9. Chapter 9

**If I Die Young**

* * *

 **Disclaimer:** I own absolutely nothing from the Harry Potter universe. This fanfiction is written purely for entertainment purposes and nothing more, though all ideas and writing are done by me and belong to me.

 **A/N:** This chapter was a bit intense, not going to lie. I'm kind of drowning in all the feels. Hope to hear from all of you!

Enjoy!

—Annie

* * *

 **IX**

 _1977-1978_

 _Part Two_

* * *

 _I don't tell anyone about the way you hold my hand_

 _I don't tell anyone about the things that we have planned_

 _I won't tell anybody, won't tell anybody_

 _They wanna push me down, they wanna see you fall down_

 _Won't tell anybody that you turn the world around_

 _I won't tell anyone that your voice is my favorite sound_

 _I won't tell anybody, won't tell anybody_

 _They wanna see us fall, they wanna see us fall down_

 _I don't need a parachute, baby, if I've got you_

 _—Ingrid Michaelson_

* * *

 ** _(sister, what's wrong with your mind?)_**

* * *

Wedding planning with Petunia is a nightmare.

Lily spends most of her time with her sister at her mother's flat where the three of them pour over a mess of bridal magazines and color swatches and endless cups of highly caffeinated espressos.

"Have you considered your bridal party yet?" Lily's mother questions Petunia one sweltering afternoon.

They've got the windows propped open and Lily's fanning herself with one of the bridal magazines, dreaming desperately of Dorcas's backyard pool.

"Oh, that's _easy_ ," Petunia scoffs, pressing her glass of lemonade to her cheek. "I decided that _moons_ ago. Cynthia will be my maid of honor, of course. Then, for bridesmaids I've asked Marge—Vernon's sister—and Jo and Kimberly. Vernon isn't having a very big groomsmen party so we'll be keeping it small."

Lily freezes during her fanning, letting the magazine slip through her fingers and crash into the messy pile at her feet.

"Did you forget someone?" she asks her sister.

Petunia considers it for a moment, really thinks about, and then shakes her head.

"Nope, that's all of them," Petunia answers lightly, toying with her angel blonde hair. She sits up, glares at Lily. "Why are you so upset? You didn't actually think I'd put a freak like you in my wedding party, did you?"

Lily is furious, balls her fist like she's about ready to slam the teeth from Petunia's pointed face. Instead, she remains silent as she stands and chucks a rather heavy bridal magazine at her sister's head.

"Oh, darling, don't go," protests her mother with a small smile—perhaps she's amused by the sister's rumble—and reaches for her hand.

Lily responds violently, flinging her mother away from her with a force she didn't realize she has.

"Have a _wonderful_ wedding, Petunia," Lily bites out and then slams the door behind her.

* * *

 _ **(hot for teacher)**_

* * *

"I can't believe the _nerve_ of my sister," Lily fumes, pacing back and forth in Dorcas's backyard.

"She's a rotten person," Dorcas agrees from her place near the pool, adjusting the bright yellow headband on her head. "I can't believe she's not including you in her wedding party and she actually expects you to spend that much time helping her with her wedding plans when she has no need for you in her wedding party. Like, sorry, that's stuff her _bridesmaids_ can do."

Lily simmers, kicks at a rock. It skyrockets forward, tumbling into the Potter's flower garden. It's only then that she notices a couple in their backyard, laughing loudly, holding hands, and heading inside from the oppressive summer heat.

"James," she hears herself whisper.

It's too quiet for even Dorcas to hear but somehow James hears it, senses her presence, or _something_ because he turns his head to Dorcas's yard, distracted and searching, and the girl at his side continues to prattle on without noticing the girl that's caught his attention away from her. A pained expression crosses his face, contorts it up, and before Lily has a chance to even wave in his direction, he's bolting inside, pulling the girl along with him.

"Uh, that was strange," Dorcas notices. "Did you two have another row or something?"

Lily sighs heavily as she removes her shoes, plops down next to Dorcas on the pool's edge, and sticks her sweaty feet in the welcomingly cool water.

"Or something," Lily replies, somewhat sadly.

Dorcas pokes her in the ribs with an impatient brown finger.

"We kissed," Lily confesses and Dorcas's gasp is wild and chaotic as she sucks it in and practically jumps out of her dark skin.

"Get _out_ ," she gasps. "You did _not_. _When_?"

"The night of the end of year feast," Lily sighs. "I wasn't feeling sociable, didn't want to come home to _Petunia_ , and was feeling sorry for myself. He found me by the lake and we watched the sun go down and we had this really wonderful, _real_ conversation, Dor. It was...pretty great. And then he started teasing me about how I'm always too serious and I—I pushed him into the water."

Dorcas begins to laugh, picturing it in her head as Lily goes on.

"Anyway, he's James Potter so of course he retaliated," Lily continues with a sad smile, looking back on that night. "And it just sort of...happened?"

Dorcas folds her arms across her chest. "Details, please."

And because Lily understands that Dorcas doesn't judge, Lily tells her everything. By the end of her story, Dorcas is practically panting.

"Merlin, that's the hottest snog I've _ever_ heard of," she whispers in awe. "And that's with a _man_."

Lily tries to smirk, can't muster the strength.

"He found me in the corridor before we left the castle to go back home and—" she breaks off, something catching roughly in her throat.

Dorcas regards her carefully in sympathy, entwines her fingers through her own, perhaps to pass her some inner strength. Lily's grateful for the gesture, doesn't understand why she's so bloody emotional.

"He told me that he was in love with me, Dor," Lily expresses.

Dorcas smiles at Lily. "Of course he's in love with you, Sunflower. He's been in love with you since fifth year started. He adores you and everything you are and everything you do. I've never seen someone worship the ground they walk on as he does with you. It gives me hope that I will find something similar one day."

This confession leaves a bitter taste in Lily's mouth.

"He hates me now, I'm sure of it," she whispers. "But I couldn't, Dor. I'm with Frank and it's _James_ —"

"Do you love him?" Dorcas asks.

Lily stiffens, feels her calf muscles clench. She can't bear to give an answer.

"I—I'm with Frank," she whispers pitifully. "I love Frank."

Dorcas pats her hand. "But Frank isn't your entire Amortentia. I love Frank, I really do. I think you guys are great for each other, but he's no James Potter, Lil. And deep down, I think the reason you can't answer my question directly is because there's a place in your heart that only James has ownership over and the idea of that frightens you to death. The idea that you might actually be in love with someone you have tried so hard to ignore, scares you."

Lily is trembling now.

"I know you, Lily," Dorcas continues fondly. "I understand you have control issues and you like to be in charge and you enjoy understanding everything. When James Potter comes around, everything inside of you loses control and nothing makes sense to you and you feel things that you've never felt with anyone else and you don't know _why_. So, you can't cope with it, you lash out at him, you throw yourself into other things."

"Dorcas, stop," Lily pleads. "You are making things make sense to me and I'm scared that if they start making sense they'll—"

"Become real?" finishes Dorcas expectantly and Lily nods. "Lily, they a _re_ real. You'll see it in time. Honestly, if you let go a little bit and just let the universe work it's magic and stop trying to control everything, you might be surprised by how happy you can be with the results it offers you."

"When did you become so wise?" Lily chuckles, embracing her friend.

"I'm not as wise as you might assume," Dorcas admits, gazing down at her baby blue toenails. "I've been having an affair with Aimee."

"Professor _Chen_?" gasps Lily and Dorcas nods, shaking her head. "Dorcas, why haven't you told me you've been dating a _teacher_? That's _really_ risky."

Dorcas nods. "Believe me, I understand the risks, which is why I haven't told anyone up until this point. I just had to tell _someone_ , you know?"

Lily nods in understanding.

"Well, your secret is safe with me as long as you are smart about it," Lily vows. "I always had a _suspicion_ about you two."

The two girls trail off in conversation, forgetting their problems behind.

* * *

 ** _(i thought i could fly)_**

* * *

Sirius Black inherits a load of money from his uncle and moves into his own flat on Highgate Hill in London. Highgate is a fairly wealthy area with a corner pub and a gothic looking church hall and a _preservation_ _society_ to keep the old Victorian buildings looking historical and well kept. Most everything Sirius owns in his flat is given to him graciously from the Potter's.

Sirius throws a housewarming party to show off his new and expansive bachelor pad. Lily arrives with Sirius's favorite dessert—key lime pie with graham cracker crust—with Dorcas, Marlene, and Alice in tow.

James Potter greets them at the door.

Dorcas shifts her long bottle of celebratory champagne to her other hand, clutches Lily's hand in hers, and pushes her forward, past James and into the flat.

"Oh, _pie_!" exclaims Sirius excitedly, stealing away Lily's dessert. "Lily, did you know I've recently bought a _motorcycle_? It _flies_."

Lily may not know how to cook that well but she does know how to _bake_. It's something that Aubrey—her dad's new girlfriend—has been teaching her how to master, and master it she has.

She's even taken to stress baking. Petunia brings around her fiancé, asks her opinion on which bridesmaid shoes would look best with the dresses she's having them wear, and Lily pops out four trays of cinnamon infused chocolate chip cookies. Sirius Black asks her over to a housewarming party that James Potter is sure to be at, and Lily makes three different pies before settling on key lime and allowing herself to be dragged away by Marlene.

"I _love_ pie," gushes a familiar looking female from the kitchen.

She's on her tip-toes, barefoot, and leaning over to inspect Lily's pie as Sirius sets it down proudly on the counter.

"I knew we'd be best friends, Anni," Sirius says, pleased by her response.

He affectionately ruffles her hair, pops open Dorcas's bottle of champagne, and demands they begin the festivities.

During a round of firewhiskey shots and Quidditch talk, Lily discovers that this nameless female is James Potter' new girlfriend. Her name is Annikah O'Clary and she was originally homeschooled at her mother's insistence in the Scottish Highlands but after her mother was killed by Death Eaters, her father and brother moved their family just down the street from the Potter residence. She's going to be a seventh year at Hogwarts this year in an effort to finish her schooling and complete her N.E.W.T levels.

She hopes to be sorted into Gryffindor.

Annikah—Anni, for short—is taller than Lily and thin in an athletic type of way and obscenely _pretty_ , with blood orange hair and dewey blue eyes and freckles sprinkled cutely on her nose and shoulders. She has a laugh that is jarring and too loud and it catches the attention of everyone in her vicinity and a sense of humor that fits perfectly in with the Marauders. She wears plaids and polka dot prints and zig zag patterns and _leather pants_ and Lily doesn't laugh at Annikah's jokes and doesn't enjoy the way she sits on James's lap as if she's known him since childbirth and doesn't _appreciate_ the familiarity and _ease_ between them.

Annikah O'Clary sparks something hot and prickly in Lily.

* * *

 ** _(goodbye my almost lover)_**

* * *

Lily needs some fresh air, takes to the back patio, leaves the roaring group inside Sirius's new flat to discuss his new motorcycle. The sky is lavender and gray and rumbles with distant thunder. Droplets of moisture trickle down from the grumbling clouds, making her face wet with rain and tears.

There's a creak of the patio door opening and shutting and she knows it is him before he says a word. She can smell him bright as day—smokey firewood and butterbeer and _her_.

"Are you okay?" he asks her, still standing uncertainly behind her.

"I'm fine, James," she grinds out, rougher than she expects it to come out.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he offers.

"Talk about what, exactly?" she laughs bitterly. "How you kissed me mere _weeks_ ago, how you told me you _loved_ me, and now you've got a girlfriend?"

"You walked away, Lily," James reminds her tersely. " _You_ pushed me from you. I laid my heart on the line and you crushed it. It's been made abundantly clear to me for the _last_ time that you don't feel the same way."

"Well, I'm super happy for you," Lily lies, sneering. "She seems—"

"She's pretty great," James cuts her off. "And I'm not going to sit here and defend myself to you for moving on with my life."

"Good, I'm glad," Lily insists. "I'm glad you've moved on and I'm glad you don't want to talk to me about it."

"God, you are so damn confusing!" he flares. "You have no right to be upset with me for trying to be happy with someone else when all you do is make me miserable."

The words slice into Lily's skin, burrow deep in her blood.

"Annikah makes me _happy_ , Lily," he tells her, somewhat desperate for her to understand. "She's kind and easy to get along with and she _likes_ me."

He takes in a deep breath.

"Look, I can't do this anymore," he admits. "I've tried being your friend, Lily, but we both know that my feelings for you have never been _friendly_ and never will be and it just won't _work_. I really care about Annikah and for the health of my relationship with her and frankly, my own health, I need you to stay away from me."

Lily flinches as if she's been slapped hard across the face.

"'Kay," she manages.

"I just need some space for a while."

"I _got_ it," she bites out.

He shakes his head, rolls his eyes, and turns his back on her.

"Goodbye, Lily."

She doesn't return the sentiment.

* * *

 ** _(drinking in the shallow water)_**

* * *

"I kissed James Potter."

She and Frank are sitting on the dock of the lake near her house, feet swinging back and forth along the water, the sun high in the afternoon sky. She's got her red and blue Sex Pistols crop top knotted at the sleeves on her shoulders and her dripping hair is knotted high on her head, occasionally spilling moisture onto her high-waisted cut off denim shorts.

"I'm sorry— _what_?"

Frank sits up, propped on his elbows, and his stomach muscles clench as he does so. Lily focuses her sight on the tiny brown mole near his belly button.

"It was the night before we left Hogwarts, while everyone was at the party in the tower," Lily explains softly. "He came looking for me, found me by the lake. We talked for a good while."

"How did this _happen_?" demands Frank.

"We fell in the water and I was feeling really vulnerable and I don't _know_ , Frank. He just kissed me," Lily replies, drawing her knees to her chest.

"And—And you _kissed_ —you kissed him _back_?"

Lily's eyes slam closed as she nods.

"I'm really sorry I didn't tell you sooner," she whispers. "I just didn't know how."

"Wow," Frank lets out. " _Wow_ , Lily."

She feels her stomach twist up like a python.

"I understand if you don't want—"

Frank gets up, throws his shirt over his chestnut hair, doesn't look at her.

"I need to think," he says and Lily doesn't have the heart to ask him to stay.

* * *

 ** _(what's left of me)_**

* * *

Lily gives him time, doesn't call, hardly leaves her house.

She's miserable, even when she stress bakes a dozen brownies for him and leaves the tray outside his door.

He climbs the ivy wall near the garage on a Thursday night when her father is over at Aubrey's, hops onto the roof outside her window, and raps hesitantly on the glass.

"It was just a one-time thing?" Frank asks her.

Lily has tears in her yes. "Yes, I swear. I left as soon as I realized what happened and made it clear I was with you and it was a mistake. You know I would never do anything to purposely hurt you."

"I know, babe, I know," he says, wraps her in his arms. "I'm glad you were honest with me."

"Can you ever forgive me?" she sobs.

He holds her close.

"I already have."

They spend the rest of the night making up for lost time.

* * *

 ** _(make me feel like someone else)_**

* * *

The week before their return to Hogwarts find them sprawled across Frank's bed, the window flung wide open to allow a hollow, warm breeze. She's stripped down to her navy satin bra and a pair of exercise shorts and they are enjoying a peaceful evening alone while his family is away.

The silence between them is fragile and she can't stop playing with the tassels on her paisley quilt.

"I feel like everything's going to change when we get back to school," Lily admits.

"Well, it's the last year of school," Frank reminds her. "It's only natural that things are going to change. I mean, we've got exams and our futures to think about."

"I just feel like everything's running away from me," Lily sighs, dragging her fingernails lightly against his forearm.

"I'm not running away," Frank whispers pointedly, kissing along the line of her collar bone. "I'm right here."

Really, that's all she needs to hear, and suddenly they are kissing furiously and it's a kiss she hasn't experienced since Hogwarts.

She flings his shirt off and trails her tongue over the center of his chest as his fingers fumble with the clasp of her bra—it takes him three ties and she releases a tiny giggle against his throat and his hands grasp the mounds of her breasts with urgent, heated movements. His fingers are hot and heavy as they push down her exercise shorts, his hand flattening on the curve of her bottom, teasing with the lining of her panties.

She tugs at his trousers, watches in excited curiosity as he slips out of them and throws them to the end of the bed. His hands are soft and the skin unbroken and he clutches desperately at her waist as she grinds her pelvis into his, his mouth hot on her nipples, and he groans loudly against her skin when she bites his lip and then he's rummaging for a condom in his bedside drawer and she's panting.

 _I love you, Lily Evans. I will_ always _love you_.

Lily suddenly can't breathe well, keeps picturing James Potter's hazel eyes dark with passion, feels his hands raking against her back, rough and calloused from Quidditch.

"I—I can't—I can't do this," she stammers.

" _What_?" Frank blurts at her panicked reaction.

"I can't," she repeats, clicking her bra back into place and slipping into her exercise shorts.

"O—Okay," he stumbles, watching her hastily tug her shirt over her long hair. "Did I do something wrong?"

She bites her lip, hums low in her throat, bends to press a sober kiss to his forehead.

"No, of course you didn't," she assures him, opening his bedroom door quickly, as if his room is on fire. "I'm sorry."

She peels into the hallway and down the stairs before he can offer to walk her home.

* * *

 ** _(goodbye is the saddest word)_**

* * *

"I can't believe you really ended things with him," says Marlene. "You guys were serious for a while."

"Yeah, I thought everything was great," agrees Alice in confusion.

As per tradition, the girls are staying the night with Dorcas in preparation for their train ride back to school tomorrow.

"Things were great, things _were_ serious," Lily tells them from her spot next to the window. "I guess I just realized that I didn't want those things with him."

Marlene whistles and immediately Lily feels guilty. Her wide green eyes drift over to Dorcas, who is staring at her knowingly. Only Dorcas knows the truth behind Lily's breakup, knows that Lily can't stay committed to someone she cares so deeply for when she's starting to sort out her feelings with someone else.

"But Frank is such a _catch_ ," Alice protests. "If I had someone like him, I don't think I could _ever_ let him go."

"They obviously just weren't right together in the long scheme of things," Dorcas jumps in, perhaps noticing the way Lily keeps staring over at James's window.

Marlene catches her drift and nods. "Yeah, and look, we can talk about how great of a guy Frank Longbottom is all day but we should be focusing on our little Lily flower and how she's going to be the next _Head Girl_!"

Marlene tackles Lily, covering her and her new Head badge in vermilion kisses that make Lily squeal in protest.

* * *

 ** _(heads will roll)_**

* * *

Annikah O'Clary is sorted into Gryffindor, shares a dorm room with Lily, Alice, and Marlene.

Give in to the universe, advised Dorcas. It will make you _happy_ , Dorcas assured her.

As far as the universe is concerned, Lily thinks it can go to hell.

Because she's Head Girl and James Potter is Head Boy and it's hard to keep out of someone's way when you patrol with them every night and meet every week to set prefect meeting schedules and have to make every single bloody decision together.

Not to mention his _girlfriend_ sleeps in the same room as her and borrows Lily's hair product an unlawful amount.

The universe has a very sick sense of humor.

* * *

 ** _(shut up, heard enough)_**

* * *

Twice a week—Tuesday and Thursday mornings at ten—Annikah O'Clary sits in front of Lily during their History of Magic seminar.

There's something irritatingly effortless about the natural beauty that is Annikah O'Clary—she's got a tidal wave of thick apricot hair that she pulls back in a high ponytail, still damp from a late morning shower that absolutely _reeks_ of cheap, cherry blossom scented shampoo, and the only makeup she bothers with is a sticky sheen of cinnamon lip gloss, and her fingernails are always a chipped neon green.

Like Lily, Annikah is not a morning person and she yawns excessively into her hand and it's ridiculously _contagious_. She falls asleep like clockwork halfway through Binns's lessons and muffles her snores in her hand-me-down sweaters.

She's open about her experimentation with girls and she sleeps in her brother's Quidditch jersey because she _misses_ him. She cheers loudly at the Quidditch games, talks with her mouth full at the breakfast table, and has the Chinese symbol of perseverance tattooed on her forearm and when she explains the story behind it all Lily can focus on is how her breath smells of orange chicken and coffee.

This time around, Sirius doesn't beg Lily to mend things with James, doesn't try to get rid of his new girlfriend, _adores_ sweet little Anni.

And Lily wants to hate her, wants to rip the sweet smile from her stupidly pretty face, wants to burn her with hot coals when she giggles at James's jokes. But then James smiles a genuine, wide smile, the kind of smile that Lily loves, and Lily's hatefulness swirls down the drain and disappears.

Because as much as she wants to hate Annikah, she makes James happy, and to Lily, that's all that really matters.

* * *

 ** _(_ _there's a soulmate for everyone_ _)_**

* * *

In Defense, they are taught how to produce a corporeal patronus.

To Lily, it's the perfect way to ring in Halloween.

James manages his easily on the third try, producing a stunning silver stag. James shares a knowing smirk with his mates, glances casually over at Lily, and quickly glances away, instead turning to Annikah and kissing her cheek lovingly.

Alice produces a chirping blue jay, encourages Lily to do her own.

Lily's patronus is a doe.

"James and Lily sitting under a tree," sings Marlene with a cackle.

James stares openly at Lily's doe, the female counterpart to his stag. The stare they share is full of the same familiar intensity they shared when they realized they were each other's Amortentia. It buzzes around them.

Marlene and Alice share a surprised frown when Lily tears from the classroom and peels down the corridor.

"Was it something I said?" she hears Marlene call after her.

* * *

 ** _(i don't know what to do)_**

* * *

Remus finds Lily on the wooden bridge leading to the clocktower courtyard with her head in her hands.

"Alice mentioned you looked upset," he says, placing a hand on her shoulder. "She said I could find you out here."

Lily sniffs but remains silent.

"It's James, isn't it?" he guesses, rubbing her back.

"You were right, Reme," she sniffles. "Back in fifth year, you told me I would come to see it in time. You didn't warn me that it would feel like this, though."

He shuffles out a thick sigh, his breath dewey in the crisp air.

"I'm too late, Remus," Lily weeps despondently. "I had my chance and I _ran_ from it before I even realized what it _was_."

Remus folds her into his chest, presses a loving kiss to her forehead.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "I'm _so_ sorry."

Lily lets the tears fall freely.

"I can't tell him, can I?" Lily puffs out, her breaths uneven.

Remus shakes his head. "When things went down with you before the summer, it was the lowest I'd seen him. He confided in me what had happened, asked my advice, which is why he sought you out and told you how he felt. I'm sorry you weren't ready and the timing isn't right but he's finally happy, Lil. I haven't seen him like this in ages and I'm worried you will only set him back. That's why he needed his space. If you're around, James will never have the chance of finding happiness elsewhere. He's too invested in you."

Lily nods in understanding.

"I think the best thing for both of you to do is try to move on," Remus advises. "Maybe this is for the best."

Lily sniffs unattractively in agreement.

* * *

 ** _(a total eclipse of the heart_ _)_**

* * *

"Well, it's late," James mentions, checking the clock ticking on the library reading room wall. "I should head back. Anni's probably waiting for me."

"Of course," Lily responds as peppily as she can muster.

"Need anything else?" he questions as he stands and stretches.

Lily gathers up the schedule they've just made and the outline of what they are to address in the prefect meeting the following evening, and shakes her head.

"All good here," she says.

James rolls his shoulder, wincing. He's thrown it out a bit during Quidditch practice that morning.

"I heard about you and Frank."

Lily pauses from depositing her lists in her bag, glances up at James quickly.

"Did you?" she hums, pretending not to care.

He still pays attention to her. That's a bonus.

"Frank and I share a dorm," he says by way of explanation and Lily hums again, fiddling with her tie. "He's real torn up about it."

"I know," Lily responds quietly.

"I know you told him about the kiss," James continues and Lily has to admit, she's kind of in shock. He hasn't spoken to her in casual conversation since the summer.

"It was the right thing to do."

"Right, course it was," James agrees, shuffles his feet.

"Did you need something?" Lily wonders innocently. "I thought you had to be getting back?"

James shrugs, loosens his tie, scratches his throat. Lily swallows and looks away hastily. She's been doing incredibly well at keeping her feelings for him at bay to make them both more comfortable. It still aches to be around him sometimes, but it mostly makes her feel giddy inside, even though it shouldn't.

She pushes down the ache until she's safely secured in her four poster bed. Sometimes, when the ache becomes too powerful, she sobs silently into her pillow, but it's never for long.

"You don't seem too broken up about it," James notes and Lily smiles softly at him, secretly enjoys the way his eyes light up and his lips twitch in response.

"I was for a while. I mean, we loved each other," she tells him. "But I was holding onto the Frank when I knew we weren't going anywhere. It wasn't fair for me to stay with someone I cared so much for when I had started feeling things toward someone else."

She's amazed by her boldness, by her honesty, and James seems taken aback too.

"Wait—what do you mean?" he asks quickly.

She remembers her conversation with Remus and shakes her head. She shouldn't have said anything.

"I should be going, too," she says. "Curfew's almost up."

" _Lily_ , what did you mean by that?" he presses, following her out of the library.

"I really shouldn't have said anything," Lily sighs, climbing the stairs. "You've got a girlfriend now."

James is hot on her heels, grasps her wildly.

"What are you saying, Lily?"

And for a minute she thinks she sees that familiar spark, that desire-filled darkening of his eyes, and she feels her heart leap hopefully. She shuts it down, hard, doesn't allow herself to go there.

"I've recently discovered that I can't control everything that happens in my life, much less my feelings, especially when it comes to you," Lily confesses, peeks up at him bravely from under her lashes.

She feels James's fingers go slack on her arm.

"This isn't happening," he mutters. "You aren't _doing_ this to me."

Lily sucks in a breath and turns away from him.

"Okay, I won't," she whispers. "I'm sorry. I will just leave you be."

"Why _now_?" James calls after her brokenly. " _Why_ , Lily?"

"Because I'm done trying to _fight_ it, James," Lily admits. "I'm tired of pretending I'm something I'm not and that I don't feel the way that I do. I have been so miserable with you gone."

"I'm with _Annikah_ , Lily," James breathes out. "I think I _love_ her."

"I know," she says quietly, staring up at him sadly. "And you should stay with her. You deserve someone as incredible as her. She makes you happy and that's what matters. You've said yourself, all I do is bring you misery."

"Lily—"

"I want you to be happy, James," Lily cuts him off, presses her hand to his cheek. "Which is why I'm going to stay away from you as much as I can, just as you requested."

She fights back her tears, races down the corridor.

That night, the ache comes in fast and furious, building and stretching until she can't breathe through her sobs. Marlene crawls into bed with her, shuts the curtains around them, and mutters a silencing spell around them to give them privacy.

"I think I'm falling in love with him," Lily bawls.

Marlene holds Lily all night long as her heart breaks.

* * *

 ** _(i'll do my best to make you happy)_**

* * *

Lily dives into her studies, prepares for midterms, and ignores the swift rhythm of her heartbeat as James Potter passes her in the halls.

They move on with their lives and Lily manages to survive her Head collaborations and her prefect meetings with surprising ease.

Worried for her, Marlene insists they have a girls day and Dorcas and Marlene drag Lily and Alice to Hogsmeade. They stock Lily up on toasted marshmallow sugar quills and each girl picks out a trashy romance novel for Marlene and they chip in to buy Alice a sewing kit and Dorcas a large Picasso painting to hang up on her dorm wall and Lily's heart begins to mend.

And all is well.

* * *

 ** _(if the heavens ever did speak)_**

* * *

They are passing the Shrieking Shack when Marlene is cuffed on the neck by a powder of snow.

"Who the _hell_ is throwing _snowballs_?" she snarls, whipping around just as another snowball lands on Alice's shoulder.

Lily ducks as a snowball comes whisking in her direction, glares daggers at Sirius Black.

"Oh, this is bloody war," Marlene growls, dipping down to gather the powdery white substance into a ball between her leather gloves.

She heaves the snowball forward, watches it soar and spiral and crash into Sirius's stomach.

"Merlin's _beard_ , some landed in my _pants_!" he shouts, high pitched and squealing.

An all out snowball fight ensues, with Lily and her friends against the Marauders and Annikah O'Clary.

When Sirius's well aimed snowball splatters against Annikah's head instead of Marlene's, who has ducked quickly to avoid being hit, Annikah sets off on a war path after Sirius, her arm raised high above her in a battle cry. Alice and Peter sneak off to avoid further confrontation, ducking inside a nearby shop, and Marlene and James remain stationed at the battlefront, whipping out snowballs like there's no tomorrow.

"I need reinforcements!" James hollers, beckoning Remus forward.

"Nope, I'm staying out of this one," Remus replies, amused. "I think I'll wait for you lot in the Three Broomsticks with a round of warm butter beers."

He sets off just as James pitches forward another snowball. Marlene ducks again, throwing herself flat on her stomach at Lily's feet, and the chunk of freezing wet snow collides with Lily's face.

"Oh, shit!" Marlene laughs and then scrambles to her feet, backing away from Lily's glare. "I didn't mean to!"

Marlene takes off before Lily can smother her, joining Remus in the pub down the lane.

"Coward!" James cries after her, turning back to Lily with his hands in the air. "I swear I didn't mean to hit you."

"Nonetheless, I am going to kill you," Lily snarls, darts forward with her hands outstretched to choke him.

James blocks her attack, pinning her arms to her side, and sweeps her legs out from under her. She screeches as she tumbles down into the powder and James hollers as she brings him down with her. He falls heavy on top of her and they are laughing and howling and panting.

James stops abruptly, stares down at her with those darkened hazel eyes, an expression dilating his pupils in a rather familiar way. Lily squirms under him, breathless and strung out. James leans forward and Lily's heart is a hummingbird, beating quickly in anticipation.

He's inches away from kissing her when they both hear Sirius and Annikah laughing in the distance. Faster than a bolt of lightning, James is on his feet and leaving her behind, jogging to greet his red-nosed girlfriend.

Lily brushes the snow off of her tights and sighs, heads over to the Three Broomsticks to find Marlene.

* * *

 ** _(i want to feel the thunder)_**

* * *

Midterms arrive in a raging thunderstorm—icy sleets, blackened clouds, and yellow-green veins of lightning, and _so_ much rain. The wind rattles violently against the windows, moans from the ceiling, and knocks out the power with a flourish.

"Fuck," Lily mutters when the lights shut out, scowling at the ground where she's dropped her quill.

She grasps a nearby bookshelf to stabilize herself, feels around for her writing utensil, and blinks, disoriented. Her fingers slide against the spines of the dusty tomes as she feels her way back to her table.

She smacks promptly into someone, drops her quill again.

Hisses.

"Damn it all to hell," she gripes.

"Lily? Is that you?"

Lily blinks against the blackness, reaches for a face. Her fingers brush against rectangle frames.

" _James?_ " she lets out in surprise. "What are you doing in here?"

"I was actually trying to find _you_ but the power went out," James explains, grasping her arm. "Here, the table's just over this way."

He leads her toward an abandoned table, feels around blindly for a chair.

"You were looking for me?"

She hears James clear his throat. "Er, yeah. I was hoping we could talk."

They light their wands and watch as Madam Pince passes out emergency candles. The candles dance along the floor panels of the library and it's spooky enough to send Lily into a shudder. They throw shadows along the sharp line of James's jaw.

"Have at it," Lily instructs, propping her legs up on a nearby chair and unscrews the cap on her water bottle.

"I miss you."

Lily chokes on her swig and water nearly squirts from her nose. She coughs out hard and brisk, earning a startling glare from the birdlike librarian.

" _What_?" she gasps out between coughs.

"When we were at Hogsmeade," James begins, "and we were all together, like we used to be back before things went south with us, it was _fun_."

Lily doesn't understand where he's going with this.

"And after we left the Three Broomsticks, I realized how much I missed hanging out with you," James confesses. "I miss what we had, our friendship."

Lily bites into her lip, sucks on the slickness of her vanilla bean chapstick.

"I miss it to," Lily agrees.

James releases a sigh, almost in relief, and smiles at her in a way that makes Lily's stomach flop.

"Friends?" he suggests, extending his hand.

"Friends," she agrees, slipping her hand firmly into his.

The thunder trembles above them.

* * *

 _End of IX: 1977-1978_

 _Part Two_

* * *

As always, I live only for your feedback, so please leave me a review down below! 1977-1978 Part III will be up soon.


	10. Chapter 10

**If I Die Young**

* * *

 **Disclaimer:** I own absolutely nothing from the Harry Potter universe. This fanfiction is written purely for entertainment purposes and nothing more, though all ideas and writing are done by me and belong to me.

 **A/N:** Man, I really love writing James/Lily. They make my heart warm. I never expected this story to take off the way it did, didn't have any real plans for it, but here we are, ten chapters in and having a blast! Please make sure to review once you've finished reading and let me know what you thought!

Enjoy!

—Annie

* * *

 **X**

 _1977-1978_

 _Part Three_

* * *

 _You're my obsession_  
 _My fetish, my religion_  
 _My confusion, my confession_  
 _The one I want tonight_  
 _You are my obsession_  
 _The question and conclusion_  
 _You are, you are, you are_

 _My fetish, you are_

 _—Cinema Bizarre_

* * *

 ** _(check yes or no)_**

* * *

Frustrated, Lily throws down her mother's letter.

"Something got you riled up?" assumes James, slipping in next to Annikah and nicking Lily's abandoned letter.

"James, it's not polite to read other people's things without their permission," scolds Annikah, ruffling his hair.

James ignores her at Lily's permitting nod and scans over the letter. He whistles, shakes his head.

"Tough luck, Evans," he sympathizes.

"It's the third one I've received," Lily explains irritably.

She glares down at the tiny RSVP card enclosed in her mother's letter. At the bottom is a section asking if the invited party will be bringing a plus one. Underneath it are two boxes, a NO box and a YES box.

It remains marked at YES.

"I marked it back when I was dating Frank," she huffs out. "Now they keep pestering me about how I have to find a date by the wedding because Petunia isn't changing the seating chart around and how _dare_ I waste their money by changing my mind when they've already made _arrangements_."

Annikah hums in sympathy, reaches out to pet Lily's hand. Lily stiffens, reminding herself to breathe naturally, in through her nose and out through her mouth. James's girlfriend rises to her feet, kisses James deeply in her departure.

"See you back at the common room," she tells him, winking.

James clears his throat once she's gone, returns his attention to Lily.

"I'm half tempted to just bring _Severus_ ," grumbles Lily. "Not that he'd go for it but can you imagine Petunia's _face_?"

James smirks halfheartedly at her, eyes circling the Slytherin table.

"So, you're basically wanting to bring someone your sister will regret giving you a hard time over," James guesses and Lily nods.

"I know it's horrible of me and I shouldn't because it's her wedding day, but good _lord,_ it would be a treat," Lily admits. "She's been such a giant bridezilla."

"Sounds like she deserves it, then," James chuckles.

Lily sighs heavily. "Honestly, at this rate I'm so desperate I would even ask _you_."

James straightens and smooths his fingers along the dinner table.

"You know, that could work," James points out.

Lily snorts. "Be serious, James."

"I _am_ ," he presses. "Your sister automatically hates anyone magical because they make her uncomfortable. Add the fact that she and you do not get along and my undeniable wit and charm, combined with the notion that she wouldn't be pleased by the presence of someone who actually _enjoys_ your company and already strongly dislikes her, and you've got a reasonably frazzled bride."

Lily taps her chin thoughtfully. The image is far too pleasing for Lily to pass up.

"You wouldn't actually be interested in attending a wedding with me," Lily says.

"Sure I would," James argues. "Free food, free booze, free entertainment, and we get to make fun of the bride and groom all the while. Not to mention I'd have you as company."

Lily blushes into her napkin.

"Are we really agreeing to this?" she questions, uncertain.

"Absolutely," James replies.

"I'm pretty sure your girlfriend would disapprove," Lily mumbles.

James shrugs. "I'll go talk to her now. She'll understand I'm just helping out a friend."

With that, he pops up and disappears out of the Great Hall.

* * *

 ** _(let us make a thousand mistakes)_**

* * *

The idea of having James floo in through their fireplace unnerves her father.

"Why don't you just have him stay over?" he proposes instead, leaving Lily quite surprised.

"You want me to ask James Potter to stay at our home?" Lily snorts.

"I'll make up the guest bedroom for him," says her father easily. "I'm not comfortable with him popping in and out like that. We have enough stress happening with the wedding. Plus, this will give me ample time to get to know the bloke."

"Dad, you are _not_ interrogating him," warns Lily. "We aren't even dating. This is utter nonsense."

"You're bringing him to your sister's wedding," her father protests. "That's a pretty big deal to me. Your mother and I met at a wedding, you know."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Lily exhales.

"So, you'll ask him?" prompts her father.

"Sure, Dad," Lily sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I'll ask him to stay with us."

"Jolly good!" he exclaims. "Now, go help your sister. She's been up there deciding what to wear for dinner for _far_ too long."

* * *

 ** _(come on, fire me up)_**

* * *

James doesn't floo. Instead, he apparates down the street and knocks politely on the front door. Petunia answers the door with a flourish.

" _That's_ who you're bringing to my wedding?" she squawks, wrinkling her nose at James's untidy hair. "Are you _serious_?"

"No, actually, the name is James," James jokes with his crooked smile and Lily giggles like an absurd school girl with a crush. "Sirius is my best mate, you're probably thinking of him."

The look of utter confusion on Petunia's face is _priceless_. Lily shoots James a thumbs up.

"Don't be rude, Petunia," hisses Lily's father, greeting James with a hearty handshake. "Glad to meet you, son. Come on in."

James raises his eyebrows at Lily and she can't help but giggle. He seems _nervous_ and it's adorable.

"You'll be staying upstairs, third door down the hall," informs her father, patting James on the shoulder. "Lil, how about you show him to his room so he can drop off his things?"

"Sure, sure," Lily agrees and watches James hike up his rucksack onto his shoulder. "Follow me."

James trails after Lily, stopping every few seconds to peer at the photographs on the walls. He smiles at a picture of a young Lily that is missing her two front teeth and has her hair in braids.

"Cute," he hums and Lily rolls her eyes. "I can't believe I'm in Lily Evans's house. I've dreamt of this for years, you know."

"Certainly under different circumstances," Lily snorts, creaking open the guest bedroom door.

" _Definitely_ ," James says, winking at her.

Lily is too flustered to retort. Instead, she watches him deposit his things on the mattress.

"Bathroom is just down the hall, next to my bedroom," Lily informs him.

She tries to ignore the mischievous glint in his eye at the mention of her bedroom.

* * *

 ** _(now we got problems)_**

* * *

Lily's dad makes a big show over dinner that evening on what he expects from James and what he considers appropriate behavior. Lily blushes into her broccoli, grumbles moodily under her breath, but James just politely agrees with Lily's father, assures him he'll follow the rules.

It takes all Lily can muster not to snort, because really, when does James Potter ever follow the rules?

Lily's father retires to bed early with a side hug from James and kisses from his daughter on either cheek.

"So, _Tuney_ ," says James. "Lily tells me you _love_ magic."

Petunia stiffens, glares between Lily and James.

"This is a joke, right?" Petunia scoffs. "You're not actually dating this freak, are you?"

"She absolutely is," James lies, snaking his arm protectively around Lily's waist. "And we're going to have a _blast_ at your wedding. Thanks _so_ much for inviting us."

"I didn't invite you," Petunia growls.

"No, but I did," Lily chirps.

"Whatever," Petunia hisses. "I'm going to bed."

As soon as Petunia disappears into her bedroom, James and Lily break out in a fit of giggles and high five each other.

"Bloody brilliant," James expresses through his laughs. "Did you _see_ her face?"

"Just wait until you meet _Vernon_."

* * *

 ** _(things don't always go the way we planned)_**

* * *

"What a pretentious snob," James whispers in her ear from his seat next to her. "How long is he going to go on about his bloody business education?"

She rests her hand on his knee, leans in closer to hear him better.

They are seated at a fancy Italian restaurant in the city. When her mother found out that Lily had brought home a boy from school and he was staying over to attend Petunia's wedding, Lily's mother insisted she, Lily and James, and Petunia and Vernon all go out to dinner to get to know each other better.

"I _told_ you he wears tie-pins," Lily giggles.

Vernon eventually notices them whispering and squints at them in distaste, clearly aware that they are gossiping about him. He lifts his rather large glass of red wine, makes a repulsive slurping noise as it goes down his gullet, and glares at James.

"Don't think he likes me much," James tells her. "Keeps giving me the stink eye."

"I think that's just his normal face," Lily jokes and they share a smile.

Lily's mother's eyelids are heavy with her third glass of pinot noir.

"Mum, you'd really love Vernon's new car he just got," Petunia says, forking her salad.

"It's the newest Rolls-Royce model," Vernon brags, dabbing the corner of his mouth with his napkin as he stares at James from across the table. "What kind of vehicle do _you_ own, Potty?"

James blinks at the slur.

"First of all, my last name is _Potter_ , not the way a toddler refers to using the loo," James corrects, clearly annoyed. "Second, I don't own a _vehicle_ , whatever that might be."

"What kind of man doesn't own a _car_?" laughs Vernon rudely. "Petunia, you didn't tell me your sister was dating someone so lower-class."

At this, Lily flares.

" _Lower-class_?" James repeats scathingly. "I'll have you know that I'm very much wealthy! My family comes from a long line of incredibly well-off members of society. At least I don't _flaunt_ my riches around on my shirt sleeve like some pretentious attention seeking _ponce_."

"How _dare_ you," gasps Petunia. "Don't you dare speak to my fiancé like that!"

Lily's hand finds James under the tablecloth.

"I'll speak however I damn well please," James slices. "What do you see in him, anyway?"

"James—"

"Excuse me, but he's certainly better than _you_ ," Petunia spits. "I've never met someone so repulsively lackluster in my _life_ , so uncivilized and _obnoxious_."

"Come now, darlings, others are starting to stare," admonishes Lily's mother. "Let's not cause a scene."

" _I'm_ obnoxious?" James laughs darkly. "That's _hilarious_ coming from you. Honestly, I don't see how anyone as stuffy and _bitter_ and horrible can be related to someone as amazing and kind as Lily Evans."

This touches a nerve with Petunia and she jumps to her feet, jostling the table in her haste. She throws her purse over her shoulder and glares viciously at Lily.

"It's _two_ _days_ before my wedding," she snarls at Lily. "If I'd known you'd be so set on ruining this experience for me, I never would have invited you in the first place."

Something wet trembles onto Lily's cheeks.

"You don't mean that," Lily whispers. "Please, just sit back down and apologize to each other and let's finish our meal."

Petunia makes a noise in her throat.

"No," she refuses. "I will not waste a single second more on you. I _hate_ you. I wish you'd never been born. My life would have been better off without you in it, by _far_ , without you and your stupid freaks."

" _Petunia!_ " gasps Lily's mother just as Lily jumps up angrily.

"If that's how you really feel then maybe James and I just won't show up to your silly wedding!" flares Lily.

James grabs her elbow, whispers hotly in her ear, "You don't mean that, Lil. Stop."

"Fine!" shrieks Petunia, almost hysterically. "Don't fucking come then! I could really care less."

" _Clearly_ ," Lily snaps.

"Vernon, come, we are leaving," Petunia instructs.

As they turn to leave, Petunia looks bitterly at Lily from over her shoulder and hisses, " _Freak_."

Lily sinks back into her seat and bursts into tears.

* * *

 ** _(it can just be you and me alone)_**

* * *

Petunia stays with Lily's mother that evening, leaving James and Lily alone with her father. When they return home and Lily slides her key in the door, she notices her father's car is gone from the driveway.

"He's probably visiting his girlfriend," Lily explains hollowly, closing the door behind them.

"Let me make you some tea," James insists, leading her to the small kitchen and settling her on a barstool.

He turns on the kettle and faces her, his face grave.

"Lil, I'm so sorry about dinner," James apologizes. "He was goading me and I got worked up and then she just had to open her annoying, prissy little mouth—"

Lily begins to cry again.

"Damn, I'm sorry," he apologizes again, sweeping her into a strong hug. "Don't cry, love, don't cry."

Lily welcomes his embrace.

"Thanks for being there with me," she whispers gratefully. "I don't know what I would do if you weren't here for all of this."

James stares at her in confusion. "I thought I was just making things worse, honestly."

She shakes her head, squeezes his arm. "If you weren't here I would have had to deal with that mess by myself."

"Are we still going to the wedding?" James wonders, passing her a warm cup of tea.

She takes a light sip.

"I guess we will see."

* * *

 ** _(falling is half the fun)_**

* * *

There's a knock on her half open door.

"Lil?" James greets, propping open the door so that he can slip into her room. "Are you about ready to go? The ceremony will be starting soon and your dad is getting antsy."

"Tell him I will be down in a second," Lily breathes out from her vanity mirror, momentarily shell shocked as she takes in his modest tux. "You clean up well."

She spritzes a dose of black cherry merlot perfume on her pulse points and James inhales greedily from the door.

"Merlin, I love that smell," he whispers appreciatively, his eyes darkening as they sweep over her gussied-up form.

Lily's dressed in a midnight blue halter gown that dips dangerously low down her chest and exposes a good chunk of her back. It's a beautiful number that Lily's mother bought for her for Petunia's formal attire wedding.

"I've just to put on my shoes," Lily tells him, settling on the end of her mattress and dipping forward to clasp her heels around her ankles.

When she finishes, she catches James gawking at her cleavage and clears her throat, growing red in the face.

"Could you help?" she asks, passing him her wildflower necklace.

His fingers linger a moment too long on her neck, finally clasps the chain closed around her.

"All set," he whispers thickly against her sensitive skin.

"We'd better get going," Lily tells him, sweeping past him with a sultry glance.

* * *

 ** _(l_ _ost in this moment with you_ _)_**

* * *

Lily and James squeeze in next to her mother in the church pew. Aubrey is seated next to Lily's mother and Lily's mother is wrapped in excited conversation with her like they are the best of friends. Lily is uncomfortable with how pleasant the two women are to each other.

As the ceremony starts, Lily watches her sister drift elegantly down the aisle, arm and arm with Lily's father. She looks like a movie star from the twenties with her blonde hair perfectly coifed and her lips painted a bright salmon pink and she's beaming and looks so _happy_ that Lily can't even feel bitter that she's not in the wedding party.

Lily's father gives Petunia away, kisses his daughter on the forehead, and squeezes into his seat next to Aubrey in the pews.

Vernon and Petunia exchange their vows and despite the two of them being so completely _pompous_ , the two of them express their undying love for each other, their promise to never abandon the other, to be forever in love and dedicated, and it's _beautiful_.

"Are you crying?" Lily whispers to James as he removes his glasses and fiddles with his eye.

" _No_ ," he hisses. "Don't be stupid."

But Lily's dad is doing the exact same thing and grasping Aubrey's hand tightly in his. The way they stare into each other's eyes is the exact way Petunia gazes at Vernon as they say "I do" and kiss.

It's only then that Lily realizes she's holding James's hand in her own.

When she meets James's eyes, the same expression found in Petunia's and her father's eyes is reflected back in his.

* * *

 ** _(fine party, divine party)_**

* * *

At the reception, Vernon does not acknowledge James or Lily, even when they wish them the best in their new journey, instead he describes James as "some magician" to his sister Marge and they share a chuckle behind James's back.

Petunia's lips harden into a line as Lily leans in to embrace her sister.

"I love you, Tuney," she whispers. "Always remember that."

"It was a beautiful wedding," James tells her sincerely. "Best of luck to you both."

James steers Lily away and they dine on lobster tail and strawberry vinaigrette salad and chocolate marble wedding cake.

"Dance with me," Lily demands, pulling James to his feet.

"I don't dance," he protests but allows her to drag him to the dance floor.

He places his hands snugly on her hips, his breath hot and sugary on her cheeks, and Lily savors the feel of him close to her.

"Picture?" suggests the photographer and Lily leans in close to James, places her hand on his chest, and smiles into the camera.

Later, when the photos are developed, she will notice how James isn't staring at the camera when the picture is snapped.

He's staring at her.

* * *

 ** _(can i trust in my own heart?)_**

* * *

Lily's father announces that he will be spending Christmas this year with Aubrey's family in Nottingham and Lily is far too aggravated to spend Christmas with her dysfunctional mother and her new beau, so James offers to let her stay with his family for the remainder of the holiday.

The Potter's are visiting their extended family for Christmas in a small village called Godric's Hollow. It's a cutesy town, similar to Hogsmeade but smaller, with row upon row of gingerbread cottages and Christmas lights plastered to the roofs and it smells warmly of sugar cookies and homemade bread. As James leads Lily down the snowy lane and toward his grandmother's home, they pass a tiny graveyard, and beyond it, a simple chapel. Inside it, a choir is singing Christmas carols.

"I love this place," Lily expresses in awe, looping her arm through James's. "I want to live here someday."

She meets Euphemia and Fleamont Potter that evening. They are much older than Lily's parents but sweet and elegant and poised. As she grows familiar with James's parents, she recognizes that James gets his humor and sense of mischief from his mother and his angular jaw and throaty laugh and bright hazel eyes from his father.

She immediately adores them.

"So, _you're_ the famous Lily Evans," greets James's grandmother, patting Lily's hand affectionately.

"Nice to meet you," Lily says with a smile.

"James talks about you so often, you know," confides the grandmother, winking at her with those same hazel eyes.

"Don't mind her, she's slowly going daft," James teases, kisses his grandmother fondly on the cheek, and steers Lily away.

"You've told your family of me?"

James smiles at her, almost shyly.

"James, come play with us!" calls a group of children from their spot next to the Christmas tree.

"Duty calls," he tells her with a wide grin and bounds off toward the children.

Euphemia waves her over and Lily settles into the couch next to James's mother. After several minutes of watching James goof around with the children, Euphemia reaches over, squeezes Lily's hand.

"He's quite fond of you, you know," Euphemia addresses her, a sparkle to her kind brown eyes. "I can't say I've ever seen him this happy."

Lily swallows. "I'm rather fond of him myself."

"You have feelings for my son," Euphemia notes, smiling warmly at Lily. "It's all over your face."

Lily blushes furiously.

"With all due respect, Mrs. Potter, it doesn't matter what I feel," Lily tells the woman.

"Please, Mrs. Potter is my mother in law. I must insist you call me Euphemia," James's mother says with a James-like smirk. "And why ever not, my darling?"

"He's got a girlfriend," Lily replies. "James and I are just friends."

"That might be true, but Lily, look around you," Euphemia says, gesturing to the expansive room. "Is she here?"

Lily bites her lip, peeks over at James. Two children are riding him like a horse and he's crawling along the carpet on his hands and knees as the other children cheer him on, making ridiculous neighing noises. His glasses are sloping off of his nose as he rears back and the children squeal in delight. He releases a loud, hearty laugh that makes Lily warm.

"I know my son, Lily," Euphemia whispers to her, patting her hand and rising to her feet. "He wouldn't have brought you here unless he really cares for you. Don't take that lightly."

Euphemia excuses herself to find her husband and Lily is left on the couch next to James's cousin Lacey and her baby girl.

"Oh, she likes you," Lacey coos as her daughter smiles largely at Lily and reaches for her. "Would you like to hold her?"

Lily accepts the child into her arms, smiles happily down at he beaming girl.

"What's her name?" Lily asks.

"Gwendolyn," answers Lacey. "Do you mind watching after her for a sec? I've seemed to have lost my other child and as always, my husband isn't paying attention."

Lily chuckles, nods, and watches Lacey scurry off in search of her son.

"That's a good look on you," James says, suddenly appearing at her side.

He deposits himself onto the couch, out of breath.

"They tire me out," he confesses and then smiles down at little Gwendolyn.

The little baby giggles loudly when James starts playing peek-a-boo with her and something warms inside of Lily. A picture suddenly waves across her eyes, of her and James together in a small house just down the lane, a giggling child in her arms that looks just like James.

The image makes Lily rather sad.

She's never pictured her future before, never thought about a family or a husband or a child, not in detail, that is. It was always something that was far off in the future, something that would just happen naturally, eventually.

But Lily's heart sinks as she glances between James and Gwendolyn and she suddenly realizes that she longs for the husband, longs for the child, longs for the marriage and the gingerbread house and the Christmas parties.

And she wants it to be with him.

* * *

 ** _(we are one deep inside)_**

* * *

The next evening, when the Potter's and Lily return to the Potter residence, Sirius arrives at their front door an hour later.

"Lily Flower!" he exclaims, picking her up and swinging her around. "I didn't know you'd be here."

Lily chuckles as he sets her down. "Neither did I, if I'm being completely honest."

Sirius kisses Euphemia on the cheek, gives Fleamont a brief hug, and practically tackles James to the floor.

"I'm missed you, Prongs," Sirius caws, slapping his back. "Lily's stolen you away for far too long."

Lily elbows Sirius hard in the ribs. "Has anyone told you that you have a ridiculous obsession with him? Borderline unhealthy?"

James grins, wraps his arms around Lily and Sirius.

"I love you guys," he says deeply. "My two favorite people."

Lily can't help the smile that breaks proudly over her face.

* * *

 ** _(i'll take care of you)_**

* * *

James's parents take off for their anniversary over the weekend of New Years Eve and Sirius wonders about the New Years Eve party. James's eyes cross over to Lily sitting cross legged on his floor, rifling through his collection of books, and shakes his head.

"I don't think that's a real bright idea, Padfoot," James tells him. "It got kind of out of control last time."

"Right, stupid of me to even wonder," Sirius says gravely.

"Don't abandon your party traditions for my sake," Lily says. "I'll just stay over at Dorcas's."

James still shakes his head.

"No, I don't think so," he continues. "I think if we have a party, it should just be a small one between close friends."

"Shall I gather the flock?" Sirius asks, smiling excitedly as he bounds into the hallway.

"You didn't have to do that," Lily sighs, stroking the spine of _Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them_.

"I know," James replies, smiling his crooked smile.

* * *

 _ **(i kissed a girl and i liked it)**_

* * *

Annikah breaks up with James at the party, admits she's been having feelings for someone else recently, feelings for a _girl_ , and comes out as bisexual. When Dorcas finds out, her eyes sweep appreciatively over Annikah's athletic build as she departs from the Potter residence and Lily elbows her in the ribs.

"Behave, James just got _dumped_."

Dorcas rolls her eyes. "Like you actually _care_. He's all yours now."

But Lily notices the way James's fists ball up and he fumes about Annikah in the kitchen to Remus.

"Can't believe he's been replaced by a vagina," Sirius snickers.

"Quit it," Lily scolds. "Both of you are awful."

She drifts into the kitchen, comes up behind Remus.

"Hey Prongsy, how you doing?" Lily ventures slowly, as if approaching a wild beast and passes him a sugar cookie.

He takes the offered cookie into his hand, crumples it up into tiny crumbs over the wastebasket.

"Believe it or not, it's actually an improvement," Remus shares with her, regarding their friend's volatile behavior.

Lily passes James another sugar cookie.

* * *

 ** _(into the truth)_**

* * *

Lily shares the bathroom with Sirius that night, taking turns spitting James's cherry mint toothpaste into the sink, elbowing each other like annoyed siblings to have more access to the sink. They place their toothbrushes next to each other on the counter and Sirius takes to flossing as Lily washes the makeup off of her face.

"You're pretty without makeup, you know," Sirius compliments as they exit the bathroom.

"Thanks," she beams, standing on her tiptoes to ruffle his silky long black hair. "Goodnight, Snuffles."

"Night, Lily Flower," he chuckles, then cups his hands around his mouth and shouts, "Goodnight, Prongs!"

He bounds down the hall to the guest room directly across from Lily's guest room, and quietly shuts the door.

"What is he shouting about?" James wonders, popping his head out of his bedroom door and inspecting the hallway.

"Just wishing you a happy adventure in dreamland," Lily tells him cheekily.

James smirks, pauses to gawk at her state of dress—a giant, knee-length Pink Floyd shirt she and Frank had picked up over the summer at one of their rock concerts.

"Nice—" he cuts off to clear his throat in an awkward fashion, "—nice band."

Lily quirks an eyebrow, saunters confidently into James's bedroom, shuts the door behind her.

"You listen to muggle rock bands?" Lily questions suspiciously and flops onto his blue and white striped Argentina Quidditch team themed bedspread.

"Frank isn't the only pureblood that takes his his girls to muggle concerts, you know. They've got way more options than wizards do," James gripes. "It's almost unfair. Besides, why wouldn't I? If it's _rock music_ I'll listen to just about anything."

"I don't know why I'm surprised," Lily confesses. "You and Sirius went through that Beatles phase for over a year after you nicked my records."

James smiles, remembering.

"Ah, yes, those were the days," he murmurs softly. "Just me and the boys."

Lily rolls her eyes. "You know Annikah is stupid for letting you go."

James lies flat on his back, stares up at the moving constellations magically bewitched to roll across his walls.

"I don't have much luck with women," James grumbles. "Marlene was just a casual fling that didn't want anything serious, Hestia was an attention-seeking cheater, and Annikah is a bisexual who has fallen in love with a bloody female. Not to mention the countless times you rejected me. Maybe I'm just better off on my own."

Lily bites her lip.

"I don't think that's true," she tells him, twisting a loose thread at the bottom of her shirt-dress around her index finger. "I think any girl would be lucky to have you."

He props himself up on his elbow to regard her.

"Sure you do," he snickers. "Stop trying to flatter me, Evans. You don't like it when my ego expands, remember?"

"James, in all seriousness—" she breaks off, gazes down at the small scar on her knee she'd received by swimming to close to a coral reef on her Mediterranean vacation.

"What is it?" he asks, sitting up a bit more.

"I was stupid, James," Lily tells him, snapping the loose thread from her shirt. It leaves a red mark on her finger. " _Really_ stupid."

He blinks, clearly confused. "You're never stupid, Lil."

"I was stupid when I let you go," she whispers and it's almost too soft, he almost misses it.

But he doesn't.

"Lily—"

She holds up her hand. "James, I understand, okay? I really do. I've rejected you too many times, I don't _deserve_ another chance. The timing just was never quite right with us, was it?"

James seems to be having trouble breathing.

"I realize you literally _just_ got dumped and I'm being so _stupid_ right now because this is _ridiculously inappropriate_ timing and I should let you have time to _heal_ —"

"What are you _saying_ , exactly?"

Lily inhales deeply.

"That I have feelings for you, James, and I have for a while," Lily admits and James's eyes go crystal ball wide. "I think you understood what I was trying to tell you back at Hogwarts, that you at least had an _idea_ that I liked you, when you told me you were really serious with Annikah and just wanted to be friends. I've given you space and you're probably more than over me by this point, which I understand if you are, but I had to _tell_ you, James, otherwise I'm going to continue going crazy."

He's silent.

"I don't mean for things to become awkward between us," Lily explains. "I hope that we can remain friends because I'd rather be that with you than not have you in my life at all. I'm sure that eventually I will get over you, move on with someone else like you did, but in order to do so, I just thought it would be fair to both of us if I told the truth, tried to clear the air."

"I—Lily, I—is this for real—?"

Lily nods. "Very much so."

"What does this mean?" he croaks.

"Whatever you want it to mean," Lily whispers. "Please, just tell me what you are thinking so that I _know_ —"

She doesn't get to finish her sentence. His lips are suddenly on hers, his calloused hands burying themselves deep in the tangles of her damp shower hair. His lips are soft like clouds and desperate and she throws her arms around his neck as her heart explodes and there are _tears_ in her eyes as they break for a gasp.

"God, I've _missed_ you," James gasps, placing his hands on her cheeks. "I—I—"

Lilys smiles as she nods. "Me, too."

Their lips lock once more, this time more hungry, and the both of them are laughing and crying and smiling like giant _fools_ —

"I _knew_ it!" shouts a voice outside James's door. "I _knew_ you'd get together!"

Sirius bounds into the room, grinning from ear to ear and jumping up and down on the balls of his feet. He launches across the room and entraps James and Lily in a fiercely tight bear hug.

"One big, happy family, at _last_!"

* * *

 ** _(it's all about us)_**

* * *

The news breaks two weeks after Lily and James return to Hogwarts, and to his credit, Sirius had followed true to his word and hadn't said anything.

They had remained in peaceful, blissful secrecy, stealing kisses behind library racks in the restricted section, passing notes in classes, holding hands discreetly under the breakfast table and at lunchtime and dinnertime, even managed to use their Head duties as a way to run off together and deprive each other of oxygen.

"Is it true that you're _dating_?" caws Marlene over dinner one evening. "Alice says she could have _sworn_ she saw you two _kissing_ last night in the common room."

Lily and James lock eyes, recalling their snog session on the common room couch last night.

"You _are_ dating!" Marlene practically screams.

Professor McGonagall slaps James proudly on the back and says, "I knew you'd get her someday. Good game, Potter."

When Lily turns to him in surprised embarrassment, James shrugs, beet red.

"What? She gave me dating advice during detention sometimes. The old bat loves me, what can I say?"

* * *

 ** _(_ _your bloody valentine_ _)_**

* * *

Their very first date as an official couple is on a drizzly evening in February. They don't even realize it's Valentine's Day until they arrive at Hogsmeade and see the small village decked out in pink hearts and high-pitched giggling cupid figurines.

"Our very first Valentine's Day," James chuckles, pressing his lips fondly to her forehead.

"I didn't get you anything," Lily admits. "I've been so caught up in our relationship and my NEWT coursework, I completely forgot."

"Unfortunately, I'm guilty of the same," he tells her. "Let me make it up to you."

She follows him into Honeydukes, giggles as he buys a bag of toasted marshmallow sugar quills for her. In return, she allows him to run rampant through Zonko's joke shop.

"Want to grab a table?" Lily teases, gesturing to the tea shop as they pass Madam Pudifoot's.

James glowers at her. "That's not even the slightest bit funny."

"Really? I thought it kind of was," she chuckles, slipping her fingers happily through his.

"If you _ever_ drag me inside that place, I will _gut_ you and hang you by your intestines from a lamp post," he vows darkly.

"You are exceptionally morbid."

"It's getting a bit nippy. Should we meet up with the others at the Three Broomsticks?" he suggests. "I'm craving a butterbeer."

"Sure," Lily agrees and then hops up on her tiptoes, pulls his face down to hers. "But first I need to satisfy my own craving."

They kiss deeply, so wrapped up in the other that they don't even mind the rain now fiercely battering around them.

But their blissful moment doesn't last long as a bloodcurdling scream tears through the dark, rainy evening, and pierces into their eardrums.

* * *

 _End of X: 1977-1978_

 _Part Three_

* * *

As always, I live only for your feedback, so please leave me a review down below! 1978-1979 will be up soon.


	11. Chapter 11

**If I Die Young**

* * *

 **Disclaimer:** I own absolutely nothing from the Harry Potter universe. This fanfiction is written purely for entertainment purposes and nothing more, though all ideas and writing are done by me and belong to me.

 **A/N:** Thank you all for your outpouring of support! It means a lot to hear from you. I don't have much more to say other than that, I suppose, so I'll just skip forward past my usual ramblings and let you read.

Enjoy!

—Annie

* * *

 **XI**

 _1978-1979_

 _Part One_

* * *

 _As sure as night is dark and day is light_

 _I keep you on my mind both day and night_

 _And happiness I've known proves that it's right_

 _Because you're mine, I walk the line_

 _—Johnny Cash_

* * *

 ** _(welcome to your life, there's no turning back)_**

* * *

"Get _down_!" James hollers, his voice loud and panicked in her ear.

Before Lily can fathom what is happening, she's being propelled forward and crashes harshly into the ground, her palms stuttering over the muddy soil and her boots scuffing with a screech against the sidewalk. A half-second later, James flattens himself over her just as a vibrant, cherry red streak of light rushes past them and collides with the brick wall of the shop nearest them.

Lily shrieks as the mortar crumbles and crashes down with a cry around them. The glass display window whines as it explodes in shards, clipping Lily's hands and scraping against James's back.

"We've got to move," James says, jerking her upward.

She stumbles, feet unstable and brain buzzing from the explosion.

"What—What's _happening_?" she gasps, ducking into an alley.

Her boots clip the edge of a tin trash bin and the sound echoes ominously through the brick alley.

"Death Eaters," James replies, teeth grit together.

" _Here?_ " Lily cries. "In _Hogsmeade_?"

James ignores her, continues to pull her through the darkness of the alley. He doesn't dare light his wand, for fear of being spotted.

"What do they want with Hogsmeade?" questions Lily.

"Who knows?" James mutters. "Frankly, who _cares_ at this point, Lily? What, do you want to go _ask_ them?"

Lily glares at him but let's his comment slide off her chipped shoulder.

"We've got to find the others," Lily insists. "Alice and Marlene—"

"We have to get _help_ , Lily," argues James. "There are Dark wizards invading Hogsmeade and—"

Lily is distracted by the hiss of a firecracker red explosion in the sky. Someone's sent up a flare, alerting anyone in near proximity of the danger. Three more flares erupt up in the black sky from different directions.

" _James_ , others will come," Lily persists, stalling his frantic footsteps and ripping her arm from his fierce grip. "We have to go back and _help_."

"Lily, we can't —"

" _Sirius_ is back there," Lily suddenly snaps, shoving James. "He's back there with the rest of our friends—Remus, _Dorcas_ , Peter. They are in _danger_. Why aren't you _helping_ them—?"

"They aren't a _muggleborn_!" James suddenly fires. "They'll _understand_ that I need to _get you out_."

Lily flinches at his raised voice, at the intensity in his wild hazel eyes.

"Wh— _What_?"

"Lily, don't you _get_ it?" James grates. "Of _course_ I am worried about them, but I'm more worried about _you_. They will _kill_ you. And I can't—I _won't_ —"

Lily steams.

"I don't _care_ , James!" she insists wretchedly, tears bubbling in her wide green eyes. "I don't give a damn about myself right now! You _know_ I can hold my own, you _know_ I'm capable of defending myself. Besides, I don't care if they kill me. If they do the same to my friends and I am not there to defend them or die _with_ them, there's no point to surviving with the guilt of knowing I could have been there and wasn't because I was running off to save my own skin!"

James opens his mouth to say something but Lily cuts him off.

"I am _going back_ and I am _finding_ my friends," Lily tells him firmly. "You will not _stop me_."

She spins on her heels, ignoring his pleas, and rips her wand from her pocket. She pauses in the alley, heart barreling in her chest, wonders where to go, the proper course of action to take. She feels James at her side, his chest heaving.

"I'm coming with you," James whispers to her, squeezes her hand. "I'm sorry. It's just if something _happened_ to you—"

"Stop this," Lily interrupts, kissing his bloody knuckles. "We have to be a team, we have to focus on our goal, on the here and now."

James nods firmly and the two of them raise their wands, still hand and hand, and head toward the Three Broomsticks.

* * *

 ** _(some of them want to abuse you)_**

* * *

By the time James and Lily reach The Three Broomsticks, it is a mess of rubble, broken glass, and overthrown chairs, but it seems the threat has moved on to other edges of the town.

They sneak in through the back entrance, wands raised high in front of them, still holding hands. Glass crunches and squeals under Lily's boots.

"Oh, thank the stars!" someone gasps.

Lily flinches as Marlene crashes into her at full speed. If James hadn't been holding so tightly to her, Lily is sure she would have been tackled to the floor. She embraces the blonde tightly, feels a sob quaking to the surface of her lungs, pushes it down.

"We've been worried sick about you two," Marlene tells them, turning to hug James.

"Where are the others?" James wonders. "Sirius and—"

"They're all here," Marlene assures him, grasping his elbow.

They follow Marlene into the main cavern of the pub, find Madam Rosmerta nursing a rather hefty gash on the left side of her neck with a rag.

"Prongs!"

Sirius collides heavily with James, eyes wild and chest heaving. He turns to Lily and crushes her in an almost panicked embrace.

"Can't—breathe—"

When Sirius releases her, his face is grave and expression heavy.

"The Death Eaters—" Lily starts and Sirius sighs heavily.

"Apparently the Aurors caught drift of the attack," Sirius starts.

"My Dad?" questions James, eyes large and worried.

Sirius nods stiffly.

"They showed up just a few minutes after we were attacked. You should come with me, Lil."

He pulls Lily toward the couch in the far corner. "We fended them off as much as we could and were very lucky to get out with just a few injuries but—"

Alice isn't so lucky.

She's curled up in Dorcas's lap, several gashes and cuts dressing her skin. She's pale and unmoving, blood seeping from the edge of her mouth. Dorcas is sniffling loudly, tears rolling over an impressive black eye.

"Alice—Oh my God, _Ali_!" Lily gasps, twirling to face a stern looking James and somber-faced Sirius. "What _happened_?"

"Bellatrix," grounds out Sirius.

"Your _cousin_?" James says, looking severe. "She was here?"

"Of course she was here," Sirius snarls. "She's one of his favorites, isn't she?"

Lily remembers Bellatrix. She met her once, on her way to a date with Frank. She had been in the group trying to recruit them to Voldemort's side.

All Lily can remember is her black eyes and her _laugh_.

"What did—she—do?" Lily stammers, sliding in next to Dorcas and running her fingers shakily over Alice's bloodied dark hair.

"Tortured her," Remus releases blackly from the corner armchair, "with an Unforgivable."

Peter is huddled at his feet, a hole in his trousers revealing a rather scraped up knee.

"Her curse was so powerful, she couldn't even scream," Dorcas informs Lily darkly. "There were so many of them and Alice got into it with Bellatrix. The woman...she's a raging psychopath, I swear it. I've never seen someone like her—she is so skilled that both Sirius and I tried to attack her while she was torturing Alice and she managed to shield herself, throw successful curses at us, _and_ keep torturing her. She was _laughing_ , Lily, the _entire_ time."

Lily shudders. "I believe it..."

"She passed out," Sirius explains sadly, gesturing to Alice's frail body. "Hasn't woken since."

Lily swallows roughly, staring down at her friend worriedly.

"Dumbledore's on his way," Rosmerta informs them from her place at the counter. "Teachers will escort you back to the castle. You'd better get her ready to go to the hospital wing."

Lily finally allows herself to cry.

* * *

 ** _(i'll take thee away into a land of enchantment)_**

* * *

The attack on Hogsmeade is all over the next day's paper and remains in the news for a good week.

There is no clear motive for the events, simply an act of terror.

Hogsmeade trips were suspended from that moment forward.

The hospital wing is at full capacity and the nurse is at her wits end.

Alice Robinson remains in the hospital wing for the entirety of the week.

Slips into a coma.

They don't know if she will resurface, might have to be moved to St. Mungo's.

Her parents are contacted about her condition, but only her father responds.

The news breaks about Alice's mother the following day, her name nestled in the large-growing obituary section toward the back of the paper.

* * *

 ** _(here in my garden of shadows)_**

* * *

Lily visits Alice every day after classes. Sometimes she goes back with Dorcas and Marlene in the later evening and the three girls gossip with her, paint her nails, beg for her to wake up.

Lily ditches the Quidditch match against Slytherin to study next to Alice's bed because she doesn't think it's fair that they should be out having fun and enjoying the improving weather when Alice remains inside, trapped in her mind.

Frank visits Alice like clockwork, every day at 6:05 PM, just as Lily is leaving.

Alice and Frank had been spending more time together, as Lily comes to find out, and had become good friends before the debacle at Hogsmeade. They studied every evening after dinner on their NEWT coursework.

Sometimes, Lily stays and listens to him share his new insights on their NEWT coursework, listens to him try not to choke up, listens to him promise her that she will get through this.

Lily never stays long. She feels like she's invading something really private, really special.

Something just between those two.

She wonders how she never saw it coming.

* * *

 ** _(places, places, get in your places)_**

* * *

Alice wakes from her coma on a crisp March afternoon.

Marlene, Dorcas, and Lily are excused from their classes and allowed to visit her. They find her in tears, having just learned of her mother's murder.

Marlene bursts into tears and hugs her closely upon their arrival and it surprises all of them. Marlene is not usually an emotional person, usually teases Alice and butts heads with her, so the display of affection she shows to Alice almost sends them all over the edge.

The girls end up all sobbing and holding each other like a segment from a soap opera.

When the other girls leave, Lily asks Alice if she would like her to fetch Frank Longbottom.

At Alice's blush, Lily nods.

"You like him, don't you?"

Alice looks at the floor guiltily.

"I'm sorry, Lily. I didn't mean to," she expresses. "We were partnered together in Charms and have been spending so much time together studying, it just happened."

"I'm pretty certain that Frank likes you, too, Alice," Lily informs her friend. "If you're worried about how I might feel, stop and just go for it. You are an incredible person and he would be lucky to have you. You both deserve to be happy right now, in light of all the darkness around us."

Alice nods, a sad, watery smile gracing her usually bubbly features and Lily leaves her to grieve her mother in solitude.

* * *

 ** _(as you signed their life away)_**

* * *

After Alice's mother's funeral, the friends sit with her silently in a circle next to the common room fireplace, grave-faced and stiff.

Frank rubs his thumb over Alice's knuckles in an attempt to comfort her. It's strange for Lily to see her ex-boyfriend and first love showing affection to her best friend.

"This isn't ending anytime soon," Alice finally speaks and she's got this frighteningly calm look in her eye as she glares into the crackling flames. "He won't stop until he kills every single one of us."

Lily feels James's hand twitch under her own, knows he feels the same way.

"I can't keep pretending this is going to go away," Alice whispers fiercely. "He killed my mother for being a _peace advocate_ for muggles. I understand why my father kept trying to persuade her to stay out of the media and keep her opinions to herself..."

Lily swallows harshly, eyes falling on Marlene's baby blue ones. Marlene chews nervously on her bottom lip.

"We can't let him win," Marlene insists. "If he does, all of us are going to lose someone. It's gone far enough."

"That attack in Hogsmeade proves that we aren't safe anywhere anymore," James agrees and Lily squeezes his fingers. "Each of us are in danger. Lily's a muggleborn, Marlene's mother is a muggle, Sirius is considered a blood traitor, my father is an Auror and I'm dating a muggleborn, Alice's mother was an active peace advocate for the non-magical community. I mean, we are all targets here and while we may be safe in Hogwarts, we're all graduating in a few months."

Sirius blinks. "What do you suggest we do, then?"

"Is there anything we _can_ do?" snorts Marlene. "It's not like we can just snap our fingers and be immune to You-Know-Who."

"Maybe not, but there is something we can do," James alerts the group, sharing a knowing glance with Sirius. "My parents are in an organization called the Order of the Phoenix. It's founded and led by Dumbledore himself."

"It's a group of wizards and witches that want to defend themselves against Lord Voldemort and his followers," Lily adds. "They stand for justice and they fight for the end of the Dark Lord."

"They are one of the reasons that Voldemort isn't rising to power faster," explains Sirius. "Dumbledore scares the daylights out of him, I'd reckon."

"I want to join," Alice says abruptly, eyes red-rimmed and dewey. "For my mother's death and my father's life."

"Me too," agrees Marlene fiercely. "My mum may not be the best person, but she doesn't deserve to die just because she hasn't got magic in her veins. If anything happened to her, I'd never forgive myself."

"Can we join, do you think?" Lily wonders, looking up at James.

His jaw tenses.

"I wrote to my father shortly after the Hogsmeade attack," James tells them, ruffling in his pockets for a scroll of parchment. "And he sent me this."

Sirius rolls it flat on the table.

"It's a contract for the Order of the Phoenix," James informs. "We can all join if we choose to, as long as we are all of age and understand the risks that come with joining."

Peter twitches from his spot next to Remus.

"Risks?" he pipes.

"You'd be actively fighting against a mass murderer," Sirius tells the smaller boy. "You'd be mad to think there aren't risks that come with that. You could die, be sought out by the Dark Lord himself, be tortured and held prisoner for answers."

Peter gulps. "I—I don't kn—know—"

"Well, I don't have to think about it," Sirius states and promptly etches him name directly under Fleamont Potter's.

With a glance at Lily, James follows suit. Marlene plucks the quill from James's fingers almost immediately after his name burns its way into the parchment under Sirius's. Her handwriting is bubbly and curly as she writes in her own name and passes the quill to Alice.

"Are you sure about this, Ali?" wonders Frank and Alice nods, lips pursed together.

"I've never been more sure about anything in my life," she insists and the quill scratches loudly against the parchment as she signs her name.

Frank nods, glances over at Lily. They share a knowing glance before he, too, signs his name. It goes around the circle, resting on Remus's lap. He hesitates.

"Reme," Lily calls to him softly. "Don't even start that train of thought."

He smiles uncertainly at her. "I don't know if they'd want someone like me."

"Hogwash," James snaps, whacking him over the head. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard come from your mouth, Moony. Sign the damn paper like we all know you want to."

Remus chuckles, curls his name onto the parchment, and passes it to Peter. The small boy swallows, his hands shaking around the quill.

"Peter," Lily starts, reaching over to clasp his hand in her own. "You don't have to if you don't want to. It's _your_ choice."

He stops shaking and stares at her with wide eyes. Finally, he signs his name very lightly and passes the scroll to Lily.

She takes a deep breath, closes her eyes, thinks about her mentally fragile mother, thinks of her father and Aubrey, thinks of Petunia and Vernon.

 _Freak, freak, freak._

She feels James's hand on her shoulder and inhales as she signs, _Lily Alloria Evans,_ and hands away her life to the Order of the Phoenix.

* * *

 ** _(you shouldn't waste your pretty face)_**

* * *

They are on their way to fetch Dorcas for dinner when the truth comes out.

"That's _ridiculous_ , Aimee. We've been incredibly discreet. There's no way anyone is catching on."

Lily bites her lip as Marlene slows her pace just outside the art room and gasps into her palm.

"We can't continue this," Professor Chen tells Dorcas firmly. "My job is in jeopardy."

"And suddenly your job is more important to you than our relationship?" Dorcas seethes. "How does that work, when you were the one that started it? _You_ were the one that convinced me to give it a shot with you, that we would be _careful_."

"I need you to leave, Dorcas," Professor Chen sighs. "And I really think you should drop this class."

"With fucking pleasure," Dorcas snarls.

Lily pulls Marlene into a nearby supply closet as Dorcas storms out of the classroom and stomps down the hall.

"Get _out_ ," Marlene gasps. "She is not sleeping with a _teacher_. That's _my_ job. Seriously, that's something _I_ would do."

"Well, apparently they aren't sleeping with each other anymore," Lily points out. "So, let's just drop it, okay?"

Marlene rolls her eyes.

* * *

 ** _(blow my self esteem)_**

* * *

The following week, Professor Chen is fired for having inappropriate relations with Dirk Cresswick.

When Dorcas hears, she is devastated and fuming.

"Guess I was just her experimentation," she mutters to Lily as they watch Professor Chen be escorted out by members of law enforcement.

"Dor—" Lily starts.

"Apparently she's been seeing guys behind my back all year," Dorcas scoffs. "Dirk wasn't the only one, you know. He was just the one that recorded everything and couldn't keep his mouth shut."

Marlene joins them.

"You okay, peanut?" she asks Dorcas.

"You know," Dorcas assumes and Marlene nods.

"It's not what you think. Lil didn't tell me," Marlene explains, defending the redhead. "We overheard your conversation with Professor Chen when we were coming to grab you for dinner last week. It was pretty obvious to me, but don't worry, no one else knows."

Lily pats Dorcas's shoulder.

"No one will ever know, Dor."

The black girl sniffs loudly, lies her head on Lily's shoulder, and watches her ex-lover disappear through the castle doors forever.

* * *

 ** _(_ _t_ _hey think i'm insane, they think my lover is strange)_**

* * *

Annikah O'Clary confesses to Hestia Jones that she has feelings for Mary MacDonald over Easter weekend and the girl's dormitory becomes a war zone.

" _You're_ the one that's been sending me secret admirer notes all term?" Mary caws.

Having just come from the showers, she's dressed in nothing but a cotton towel and a pair of bubble gum pink flip flops. Marlene and Lily look up from their Divination homework, sit up straighter on Marlene's mattress.

"I didn't know how you'd react if I just came out and said it," Annikah admits, cheeks ruby red.

"But you're a _girl_ ," Mary bleats.

"Correct," Annikah says. "I am a bisexual woman. I am sexually attracted to girls and boys."

"Um, ew?" Mary clucks, draping her arms protectively over her breasts. "Like a _lesbian_?"

Lily simmers, thinking about Dorcas, and shares a pointed look with Marlene. They watch Mary back away from Annikah like she's diseased.

"You say that as if it's dirty," Marlene confronts Mary, harlot red lips reared back over her teeth in a sneer.

"It _is_ ," Mary scoffs. "It's gross and creepy. It's not _normal_."

"To you maybe," Lily corrects.

"She's a _freak_."

Lily jumps to her feet as Annikah bows her head. Marlene follows Lily over to Mary.

"You wretched, close-minded _brute_ ," Lily slices, shoving Mary roughly in the chest. "How _dare_ you? Just when I thought you couldn't become more of a disgusting, black-hearted _bitch_ , you continue to surpass yourself."

Mary's mouth forms a perfect 'O' shape, affronted.

"You should be _ashamed_ of yourself," Marlene agrees, linking arms with Lily. "She's a _person_ , just like you and me."

Mary's pointed face draws up into a scowl.

"All of you are a bunch of—"

Something in Lily's glare and Marlene's quick step toward her causes Mary to back off, draw away to her corner of the room.

"I've never had anybody stand up for me like that," Annikah admits.

She hugs her brother's Quidditch jersey close around her like a safety blanket.

"That's a damn shame," Marlene expresses, flopping on the mattress next to Annikah. "Sounds to me like you've had some pretty lousy friends."

Annikah smiles at them, peeking up shyly at Lily.

"Thanks," she says. "You didn't have to do that. It couldn't have been easy doing that knowing that me and James—"

Lily stops her.

"It's never hard to stand up for someone that doesn't deserve to be bullied," Lily addresses her firmly. "I don't care about your past with James."

"You okay?" Marlene wonders, wrapping an arm around Annikah.

"Yeah, it just seems I've got really horrible taste in women," Annikah sighs.

Lily plops down next to Annikah and Marlene.

"You know, I've got this friend," Lily begins. "She's recently become single and happens to find you incredibly pretty."

Annikah's answering smile is bright as lightning.

* * *

 ** _(the beating of our hearts is the only sound)_**

* * *

"They are really great together, aren't they?" James says from where he's positioned on his stomach in the grass.

Lily watches Alice release a stream of bubbly giggles and smile widely as Frank throws her onto his back and gives her a piggy-back ride through the sundial courtyard. They take off over the wooden bridge, Alice screeching the entire way that she's afraid of heights and to put her down.

"I don't know how I never saw it coming, honestly," Lily replies, turning the page of her novel. "They just make _sense_ , you know? Like they just _belong_ together."

James snatches her hand, places a kiss to the inside of her wrist, and breathes in her scent deeply through his nostrils.

"We belong together," he whispers, staring up at her with dark hazel eyes.

Lily smiles down at him, ruffles his hair.

" _Oi_ , what was that for?" he complains through his crooked smile.

"For being a cheese ball," she replies easily, returning to her book.

"Well, it's a good thing you like cheese," James says, plucking the novel from her hands.

"Hey!" she protests as he throws it in her book bag and pulls her off her bench and onto the grass with him. "I'm going to get grass stains on my tights, you know."

James pulls at the silky white fabric of her tights, snaps it against her skin, and smirks at her.

"You don't care, do you?" she assumes and he shakes his head, drawing her face close to his.

"Not the slightest," he responds against her lips.

* * *

 ** _(i'm the violence in the pouring rain)_**

* * *

With NEWTs just around the corner, Lily is a mess of chaotic fire hair, bloodshot eyes, and coffee.

She forces James to stay up late in the common room quizzing her with homemade flashcards and highlights her texts so much, it's all starting to blur together like a child's coloring book. She takes advantage of the extended library hours and wakes up early and crashes at three in the morning when her caffeine gives out with a swift kick.

"You're like some kind of demented study monster," James jokes with her when he tracks her down in a private reading room at half-past ten, presses a kiss to her forehead.

It's a Sunday evening and everyone is hibernating in their common rooms. Except for Lily and a few OWL students in the front half section next to the coffee cart, the library is empty.

James settles into a sofa on the far edge of the reading room, obscured by a tall, thick bookcase, and completely out of site.

"Brought you some treats," he says to her from his corner and Lily notices the bag he'd set down in front of her.

There's a styrofoam cup of coffee, just the way she likes it—punch of caramel syrup, two sugars, and whipped cream sprinkled with cinnamon. He's also brought her a piping hot chocolate chip oatmeal cookie that he clearly snuck fresh from the kitchens, a large water bottle, and a packet of Drooble's gum.

It touches Lily so much that she begins to blubber like a child deprived of a nap until she's sobbing heavily into her textbook, sucking in panicked gasps of air when her lungs shut down.

"What the hell?" James exclaims, coming to her side. "Lil, you okay?"

She blubbers again, raking in haggard breath after haggard breath, eyes wide and frantic. She grips his shirt collar in fright as her chest seizes up and she begins to convulse on her limited air.

"Lily, damn it, _breathe_ ," he hisses, patting her back. "What's going _on_ with you?"

And she doesn't know. She's losing control, can't get her lungs to work properly.

"Merlin, I think you're having a panic attack," James mutters, turning her to him. "Lily, look at me. Come on, baby, look into my eyes."

He finally convinces her to look up at him and she falls deep into the depths of his hazel eyes.

"I need you to focus on your breath," he instructs, placing her hand on his chest. "Keep looking in my eyes. Feel my breathing? Follow it."

Lily follows suit, listening the stammering of his racing heart and the deepness of his breath.

"There we go," he praises, pressing a soothing kiss to her trembling lips. "Let's take a break, shall we?"

He leads her over to the sofa in the corner of the room, wraps her in his arms.

"You've got to start taking better care of yourself, sweetheart," he whispers to her. "All this stress is getting to be too much."

"I—I just—want to be—successful—"

"You _will_ be," he insists. "You're Lily Evans, for crying out loud. When are you _not_ successful?"

She bites her lip to refrain from crying and James gives her a knowing look, pulls her close to his chest.

"I love you, you know," she sniffles into his shirt, eyes drooping.

He jolts, arms still fastened around her, but by the time he asks to hear her say it again, she's fast asleep.

* * *

 ** _(i feel so untouched and i want you so much_ _)_**

* * *

"So, how are things with you and dear little Jamie-poo?" Marlene questions.

Lily and Marlene are sprawled out by the lake, enjoying the May afternoon. Lily can hear the holler and roar of the Slytherin vs. Ravenclaw game, even from their great distance from the pitch.

"Great," Lily responds with an appropriate smirk.

"Ooo, sounds juicy," Marlene gushes. "Details, please."

Lily sighs, rolls her eyes. "Nothing like that. I just meant that things are really good between us. He's pretty fantastic."

"Never imagined hearing those words from your lips," Marlene laughs and then punches Lily lightly on the arm. "For real, though. When are you guys gonna seal the deal?"

Lily rolls her eyes again.

"Marly, you are so sex-obsessed," she says to the busty blonde.

"Yeah, yeah, what _ever_ , just answer my question," Marlene waves her off. "I can't believe you guys haven't yet, the way you two paw at each other."

"Well, I've been really stressed with NEWTs coming up and it's not like there's tons of privacy around the castle," Lily shares, growing red.

"Oh, _please_ , that's a lame excuse," Marlene snorts. "There are plenty of places to get down if you're horny enough, girl. And trust me, if you are feeling stressed, sex is _just_ what you need."

"I don't want my first time to be some quickie in a broom cupboard."

Marlene releases a high-pitched squeal.

"I can't believe _Lily Evans_ wants to have _sex_ with James Potter," Marlene says. "Though I am with you on the whole broom cupboard thing. Those things are a bust."

Lily remains silent, sucking hard on a sugar quill, thoughts turning greedily to her boyfriend.

"Do you think you'll do it after we graduate?" questions Marlene. "Like wait until you get home?"

"I mean, I don't know," Lily admits. "I _want_ to, like really bad. I'm definitely more than ready."

"But..." hedges Marlene.

"I don't know if _he_ wants to," Lily says.

Marlene gawks at her. "Are you _stupid_? Of course he does. James has been wanking after you for, like, _forever_ , princess."

Lily blushes. "It's just that he hasn't _tried_ anything, you know?"

"Really?"

"It's almost like he's afraid to, I don't know," Lily admits. "Like when we are making out, it gets really hot and heavy really fast, _every_ time and it's to the point where I feel like I'm going to explode if he doesn't _touch_ me."

"So, he's being a gentleman," Marlene sighs, shaking her head in disappointment.

"The _perfect_ gentleman," Lily huffs.

"Maybe you should stop being such a lady, then," proposes Marlene, winking.

Lily bites her lip, watching as the students pile out of the Quidditch pitch from the distance.

* * *

 ** _(w_ _hisper dirty secrets while I'm pulling on your hair_ _)_**

* * *

"These extended study hours are killing me," James mutters as they finally slide through the portrait hole from their evening rounds.

It's nearing midnight and the common room is dead, not a soul in sight.

"I'm strangely not tired," Lily admits, climbing onto the cushioned couch.

Inside her chest chamber, her heart is slamming back and forth.

" _How_?" James wonders in awe. "It's been a _ridiculously_ long day. And you're exceptionally calm today, by the way. It's kind of alarming. You are aware that NEWTs are next week, right?"

Lily shrugs and pats the cushion beside her, beckoning him toward her. "I think we both deserve some stress-free peace and quiet, don't you?"

James's eyebrows shoot up his forehead.

"Suddenly not tired anymore," James comments cheekily and slips in next to her on the couch. "Just what exactly did you have planned, Evans?"

Lily fastens her lips to his in response, her tongue sliding easily around his, fingers grasping his hair. James sighs into her mouth, grasps her waist with his large, calloused hands, and pulls Lily onto his lap.

Soon enough, things begin to grow heated between them and Lily can _hear_ the blood pumping loud and abrasive in her veins. Her tongue twirls around his ear, her kisses trail against his strong jaw, her teeth graze against the sensitive skin of his jugular, and with each suck, each nibble, each breath hot in his ear, he releases a small sound that ignites something prominent and scorching inside Lily.

She knows she's being more aggressive tonight and for the most part he seems to be enjoying it, can tell by the way his hips buck up to meet her each time she shifts on top of him and the way she can feel his hardness almost painfully through his trousers and the way his fists close against her blouse.

Always close to the touch that Lily craves—just under the side of her breast, just the slightest touch on her inner thigh, just the small of her back.

It's driving her crazy.

Tongues dancing wildly and panting heavily against each other, Lily finally can't take it anymore and grabs the hand just barely grazing the left side of her ribcage, and slaps his hand determinedly to her breast. He breaks with kiss with a surprised jolt, gasping loudly against her collarbone.

He eyes her closely and she gleams at him with a wicked sort of smirk, tempting him. It's all the permission he needs and he brings her face back down to his, snipping at her bottom lip hungrily, his hands kneading her breasts with urgency.

She rolls her hips against him, feels him twitch underneath her, and a brilliant spark of heady, black desire erupts inside of her and before she can contain herself, she's reaching down, down down—

" _Merlin_ ," he growls into the open exposure of her cleavage. "Lily, _Godric_ , oh my—"

She begins to fumble with his belt buckle.

"Lily, wait," he breathes abruptly, clutching her wrists in his hands.

She frowns in confusion. "What is it?"

"I just—"

"Did I do something wrong?" Lily questions, heart stammering.

His eyes roll to the back of his head as she shifts on top of him again.

"N—No, definitely—not," he assures her breathlessly, trying to compose himself.

He clears his throat, pulls himself upward, eases her off of his lap.

"I just think we should take a break before things go too far," he tells her.

Lily licks her lip, noticing the trail of sweat trickling over his chest through his oxford shirt.

"You don't want to?"

He sighs heavily, removing his glasses to rub his eyes.

"No, I really, _really_ want to, Lil," he insists.

"I do too," she tells him. "So, why not?"

He sighs again. "It's just that I'm pretty old-fashioned."

Lily stares at him, waiting.

"So, what, you want to wait for marriage or something?" she asks.

Very slowly, he nods. "Well—yeah. It's how I was raised."

"You really _are_ a romantic," Lily giggles and he flushes, shrugging.

"Is that okay?" he asks her, cupping her cheek. "I mean, I really want to. It's not that I don't _want_ to, I just feel like it would be more special if—"

"If we were married?" she finishes.

He clears his throat, scratches his neck.

"Well, I mean...I love you, Lily," he tells her quietly, nervously. "That's my goal for us."

Her stomach leaps to her throat.

"You want to marry me?" she squeaks.

"I mean, when the time is right and of course, I'll propose to you and all that, but...yeah. I do plan on marrying you, Lily. I want you in my life always."

Lily swallows.

"What do you—how do you—I mean, would you—that is—"

Lily smiles fondly, brushes her lips softly against his.

"Cool your jets, Potter," she whispers in his ear. "Your goal sounds good to me."

He chuckles happily, pulling her close to him.

"I love you, you romantic fool," she says, nipping his ear playfully.

He sighs into her hair.

"Do me a favor, Evans? Never stop saying that."

* * *

 ** _(a_ _brighter day is coming my way_ _)_**

* * *

Lily is grateful when NEWTs are officially done, feels a giant ball of stress lift off of her shoulders.

She celebrates with the Gryffindors late into the night, parties harder than she ever has in her life.

"To the future!" they scream together, knock back their drinks.

When graduation comes around, they throw their pointed hats high in the air toward the enchanted ceiling, and cheer for the class of '78.

And when Lily shares a compartment on the train ride home with the girls and the Marauders, lounging in James's lap, Lily feels a glimmer of hope.

She doesn't cry like she thought she would.

For the first time in her life, Lily is happy to be going home.

She's no longer afraid of the future, so long as James is in it.

* * *

 _End of XI: 1978-1979_

 _Part One_

* * *

As always, I live only for your feedback, so please leave me a review down below!


	12. Chapter 12

**If I Die Young**

* * *

 **Disclaimer:** I own absolutely nothing from the Harry Potter universe. This fanfiction is written purely for entertainment purposes and nothing more, though all ideas and writing are done by me and belong to me.

 **A/N:** Hi, beauties! I'm baaaaaack! This chapter brought me great joy. Not going to lie, I teared up a bit.

Enjoy!

—Annie

* * *

 **XII**

 _1978-1979_

 _Part Two_

* * *

 _When everything is cloudy_  
 _And the sun won't shine for me_  
 _And it seems_  
 _Like nothing's goin' right_  
 _There's a place I want to be_

 _Just laying there beside you_

 _—Bad English_

* * *

 ** _(_ _her curtains would look good in this house_ _)_**

* * *

"I've asked Aubrey to move in with us," announces Lily's father over dinner her first night back.

Aubrey smiles sweetly as she takes Lily's plate and begins loading her plate to precise proportions of dairy-free sweet potato mash, arugula and spinach salad sprinkled with garlic roasted chickpeas and cashew slivers, and lemon mint infused quinoa.

"Figured you would," Lily says absently, reaching for her glass of fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice.

"But only if you are comfortable with it," Aubrey appeases from next to Lily, passing her the plate. "I understand how this might be an adjustment."

Lily's fork scrapes loudly over Aubrey's pink floral print china.

"I'm happy for the both of you," Lily tells them. "Really, I am."

Aubrey reaches over to pat Lily's hand affectionately, beaming.

"I'd _love_ to get to know you better," she gushes. "Your father has told me so much about you."

Lily remains quiet as she smiles over the rim of her grapefruit juice.

"When we are finished, Lily, you and I can do the dishes together," proposes Aubrey cheerfully. "And after we're done, you can join me at my jazzercise class."

Lily looks to her father for help but he just smiles in encouragement, completely brainwashed.

"Sounds delightful?" she attempts and Aubrey clasps her hands excitedly.

"Make sure you don't eat too much, Peter," Aubrey admonishes Lily's father as he reaches for another helping of potato mash. "I've got some kale-rot and date smoothie for dessert. You wouldn't want to spoil your appetite."

Lily swallows a leafy forkful of salad and tries hard not to cringe.

* * *

 ** _(d_ _own in Jamaica, they got lots of pretty women_ _)_**

* * *

"She's like a grown up version of Emmeline Vance, but without the mala beads and horoscope readings," Lily complains over a heaping helping of Butterscotch Fudge Swirl.

"Why, because she's a vegan?" snorts Dorcas, brushing back her dark dreadlocks. "Lily, come on."

The sun blinks oppressively off the neon pink sign of Florean's ice cream parlor, dances in the reflection of Dorcas's black Ray-Bans. The streets of Diagon Alley are busier than usual today, packed with shoppers enjoying the last breezy day before the next heat wave sets in.

"The woman has a ridiculous obsession with juicing," Lily says. "I swear it's unhealthy to drink vegetables every day like that."

"Just because you'd rather live off of sugar quills and pepperoni pizza doesn't mean everyone has to," Dorcas chides her with an amused smile. "Vegetables are delicious."

"You _have_ to think that," Lily reminds her. "You're a vegetarian."

Dorcas shrugs and licks at her spoon of Cherry Cheesecake Delight.

"Not to mention she has this weird way of showing up whenever I'm about to leave and _always_ needs to know where I'm going," Lily prattles on, stabbing her spoon into her ice cream. "Like, I enjoy her just fine. She's a nice lady and she makes my dad almost offensively happy—"

"I bet she's a _beast_ in the sack," Dorcas inputs.

"—but she's so _nosy_ and _cleans my room_ and is always singing bloody _showtunes_ —"

"What a monster," Dorcas cuts her off dramatically. "Truly, she sounds simply heinous."

Lily makes a face.

"Fine, I'll drop it," she concedes. "How was your trip to Jamaica?"

Dorcas beams, twirls a piece of bejeweled finely braided hair around her bronze-brown finger.

" _So_ good," she sighs. "I went to the beach _every_ day."

"Stop it, you are making me jealous," Lily whines. "Next time you decide to take off somewhere exotic, take me with you?"

Dorcas nods happily.

"I got you something while I was there," she confesses, digging in her purse. "Don't tell Marlene or Alice, though. I don't want them getting jealous that I didn't get them anything."

Lily smiles brightly as Dorcas passes her a souvenir bag. She's gotten her a dolphin themed charm bracelet and on one of the charms she's engraved their names.

 _Lily & Dorcas BFF._

It takes all Lily has not to cry.

* * *

 ** _(_ _h_ _is hands are in my hair, his clothes are in my room_ _)_**

* * *

James moves in with Sirius almost immediately after returning home from Hogwarts.

It's the most logical course of action to take considering the pair of them have wanted to live alone with each other since they first became friends, but it still mildly aggravates Lily that he didn't consider moving in with her first.

"I'm sorry, Lil. I didn't even know you were thinking about leaving home," James apologizes that evening.

They are upstairs in Lily's childhood bedroom, cramped together on her small mattress and enjoying _Doctor Who_ reruns from the blaring mini-television atop Lily's wicker dresser.

It turns out that James is _very_ fascinated with her muggle life, television and telephones in particular. _So_ fascinated that he's even taken the trouble of installing a telephone and television at his and Sirius's flat.

Lily finds it so endearing she doesn't even scold them about sitting too close to the television screen or talking _far_ too loudly into the telephone's receiver.

"Well, I didn't think I would _want_ to," Lily defends, adjusting her tube sock higher up her calf. "But Aubrey is _always_ here and it's starting to get awkward, if I'm being honest."

James removes his attention from the television as it switches to commercial break and eyes her knowingly.

"Getting in your space?" he assumes and Lily lets out a long winded sigh.

"Who in their right mind wakes up at seven in the morning to eat breakfast?" Lily grumbles. "Every single morning at seven there's a knock on my door and she's asking me to come downstairs for the breakfast she's made us."

"And of course you'd feel impolite and guilty if you didn't accept her generous offer," James says.

"Right, so I have to get out of bed at the butt crack of dawn and attempt to shovel my food down fast enough to return to bed before I'm no longer tired," Lily expresses moodily.

"But she never lets you go back to bed, does she?" James guesses, smirking at her.

"No, she doesn't. Instead, she insists we clean up the kitchen together and take morning tea in the den for _girl talk_ before she heads off to the hospital for her morning shift. She's just so _domestic_ that it weirds me out."

James snorts, cuddling in close to Lily and nuzzling her neck, attempts to distract her with his lips but gives up as Lily continues talking through his kiss.

"My own _mother_ was never that way," Lily continues. "She could never quite figure out how to wash the laundry properly, was an atrocious cook, and spent most of her time outside of her clerical job sipping mimosas at the country club with the local gossips."

"So _that's_ where you get you're housewifely talents from," James chuckles, earning a well placed whack from Lily over his head.

"I can do the laundry, thank you very much," Lily growls. "And I'm not _that_ awful of a cook."

He shrugs with a slight smile, knowing he's agitating her and enjoying it far too much.

"Your stress baking is quite the treat," James agrees, "when you manage not to burn everything."

Lily's lips pop open in surprise and her eyes narrow into annoyed slits at James's cackle.

"You take that back," she threatens, her pillow positioned high above her head.

"So _strong_ ," James teases.

She brings the pillow down upon his head swiftly, causing his glasses to slide down to the edge of his nose.

"Prat," she snaps.

"You love me," he says in defense and she deflates, rolling her eyes.

When she doesn't immediately reply, James becomes mock-offended and in one quick movement, pins her to the mattress with one strong hand so that she can't escape, and with the other begins to tickle her ribs until she's shrieking in protest.

"You _love_ me," he repeats pointedly and Lily gasps, tears leaking from her eyes as she fights futilely against him, laughter tearing from her lungs.

"I _do_ ," she insists with a gasp.

He ceases to tickle her, smiling cheekily down at her in his triumph. She glares at him in response, turning her cheek away from him with a small "hmph". A small chuckle grumbles low in his chest as he sinks down on top of her and begins to kiss her neck in the way she likes, tantalizingly nibbling at her ear.

"You can't stay mad at me, Evans," he whispers and she shivers underneath him.

"We'll see," she responds as she arches upward to kiss him.

There's a little cough from Lily's doorway and James practically flies off of the bed in his panic. Lily sits up, blinking at the doorway where Aubrey stands with her arms folded over her chest.

"Lily, I'm disappointed in you," Aubrey tsk-tsks. "The house rule is no boys upstairs."

James's hazel eyes widen behind his still-crooked glasses.

"Since when is that a _house rule_?" Lily wonders with a slight laugh. "We've never had house rules before, Aubrey. I'm allowed to have whoever I want upstairs, just ask my dad."

"Your father and I have agreed on these rules, Lily, and we ask that you abide by them if you are going to be living under our roof," Aubrey responds.

"This is stupid," Lily scoffs, not believing her ears. "My dad wouldn't agree to that. He _loves_ James. He allowed him to stay upstairs in our guest room during Petunia's wedding week."

Aubrey cocks her head to the side and blinks in silence.

"Er—I'll just head downstairs—don't want any trouble," James mutters.

"Thank you, dear," Aubrey coos and with a pleased, saccharine smile in Lily's direction, follows James down the stairs.

James and Lily spend the rest of the evening watching the food network on the sofa with an appropriate distance between them while Aubrey needles her cross-stitch from the armchair next to them, humming sweetly in a way that makes Lily's eyelid twitch.

* * *

 ** _(i_ _understand that there are some problems_ _)_**

* * *

Lily goes shopping with Marlene in central London and after some intense peer-pressure on Marlene's side, walks out of an upscale French-themed boutique with two pairs of lace panties and matching bralette, a silky teal babydoll chemise, and a bottle of black cherry merlot perfume.

The two girls spend the entire night in Lily's bedroom, fawning over _Witch Weekly's_ heartthrob of the month and discussing Marlene's sex life.

Around two-thirty in the morning, Lily hears the shuffling of Aubrey's bunny slippers outside of her door and motions for Marlene to quit talking.

"She's eavesdropping on us!" Marlene whispers, eyes wide and disbelieving.

Irritated, Lily swings open her door to reveal Aubrey dressed conservatively in a long sleeve cotton muumuu.

"Can I help you?"

"It's a little late to have guests over, don't you think?" Aubrey hums.

"No," Lily responds, annoyed. "She's staying the night with me."

Aubrey's tongue clicks as she shakes her head.

"I'm _certain_ your father and I have gone over the house rules with you at least twice now, Lily," she clucks. "No guests over past midnight. Nothing good ever comes after midnight, you know."

Marlene giggles, causing Aubrey to narrow her eyes at her in suspicious distaste. She glances between the two girls, both dressed in tube socks and oversized t-shirts, and frowns.

"And you really shouldn't be dressed so immodestly," Aubrey continues. "I'm sure it makes your father uncomfortable to have two young ladies half-naked in the next room."

Lily's jaw drops, greatly offended.

"Excuse me?" Marlene bleats. "Are you for real?"

Aubrey glares.

"Lily, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask your friend to leave."

"It's almost three in the morning, Aubrey," Lily protests hotly. "You can't kick out my friend in the middle of the night."

"I'm sorry, do you _want_ me to wake up your father?" Aubrey counters. "You can ask him about my authority role in this house yourself. He will agree with me, not you, dear. This is _our_ home, after all."

"Oh my _God_ ," Marlene laughs incredulously. "Don't even waste your breath. If you want me gone, I'm happy to leave and not come back."

"Marl—"

"Hell no, Lily," Marlene snaps. "I'm not staying here with some tight-arse Nazi soldier woman."

Aubrey gasps at the insult. "Watch your language, young lady!"

"You aren't my _mum_ ," Marlene snaps. "Frankly, you aren't Lily's either, so get over yourself."

She angrily retrieves her things and bounds out of Lily's room, shoving roughly past Aubrey.

"Wait for me, Marly!" calls Lily.

She doesn't even bother packing a bag, instead just grabbing the purse that holds her money and wand.

"Where do you think you are going?" demands Aubrey, flustered.

Lily ignores her and follows Marlene out the front door.

* * *

 ** _(i_ _wish you were a stranger i could disengage_ _)_**

* * *

Lily returns home the following morning and finds her room a mess—drawers open, clothes shuffled around, quilt turned over.

At first, she's horrified that a Death Eater has found where she's been staying and come to kill her and her family and a sharp sort of feeling jags through her system.

Until she hears Aubrey's voice in the room across the hall.

"That girl's behavior is unacceptable, Peter," Aubrey is saying. "She has no respect for the rules _or_ us. And the _type_ she hangs round with. I wouldn't be surprised if she's on drugs...Just _look_ at the stuff I found in her bedroom! What in the Lord's name is _Metallica_ and the _Sex Pistols_? And what's all this nonsense about a hog's warts?"

Lily startles at this, peering over her room.

 _She went through my things?_ Lily thinks, appalled. _Who the hell does she think she is?_

The floor creaks under her weight as she trudges over to her bed where her boutique bag is turned over, the gift wrapping scattered all over her paisley quilt. Her bralette, panties, and chemise are missing. Just her perfume and receipt remain untouched.

"It sounds like she's back from wherever she went off to," Aubrey announces. "Let's just go _ask_ her."

Lily crumples a piece of magenta tissue paper in her hand as her bedroom door opens without so much as a knock.

"How _dare_ you?" Lily confronts Aubrey viciously before the blonde can even open her mouth. "What kind of person goes through someone's _private space_ and _steals_ their belongings?"

Peter Evans groans from next to Lily.

"Now, Lil, I'm sure there's—"

At the look on Lily's face, he makes the smart decision to shut his mouth.

"Your behavior has been very erratic lately, Lily," says Aubrey. "Is it that Marlene girl? Maybe that boy you've been seeing? Are you in some type of trouble? Maybe you have some questions and you want to try some things you aren't ready for—"

"You're not _serious,_ are you?" Lily scoffs, turns to her father. "Are you _joking_ with this woman, Dad? How can you let her treat me like this?"

Lily's dad frowns. "Lily, don't be rude."

" _I'm_ being rude? I'm not the one that insulted my best friend last night and kicked her out! I'm not the one that made my boyfriend feel like he wasn't trusted or welcome in our house! I'm not the _crazy_ person that enters without knocking and eavesdrops outside closed doors and _ransacks_ my room!"

"Let's just calm down here—" Lily's dad starts, tugging at his tie.

"I will not _calm_ down!" cries Lily and once again turns to Aubrey. "Where are the things I bought?"

Aubrey blinks, her salmon mouth puckering.

"I threw them away."

" _What_?" Lily gasps. "I spent fifty-two pounds on that set!"

"It's inappropriate," Aubrey explains. "A young unmarried lady like yourself shouldn't be spending her money on scandalous lingerie _anyway_."

"You aren't married but you expect me to just be fine with you moving into my old mother's bedroom and having sex with my father?" shouts Lily. "It's not okay for a young unmarried woman to go out and buy something that makes her feel sexy and confident but it's okay for an _old_ woman to be unmarried, living with a man who can't even manage to sign his divorce papers after _years_ of separation from his wife?"

At this, Lily's father sighs.

"Lily, can we please just—I have to be at work and I'm already running late—can you just—?"

Lily simmers.

"Then _leave_ ," she snarls. "Aubrey and I are big girls, I'm sure we can continue this without you."

Peter Evans sighs again and shakes his head.

"Lil—"

"It's _my_ money, Dad," growls Lily. "She doesn't have the _right_!"

"We have certain rules that we follow in this household now, Lily," clips Aubrey matter-of-factly. "I would expect you to follow them and act appropriately."

" _Fuck_ your rules," Lily spits.

"Lily Alloria Evans!" hollers her father in surprise. "You apologize right now."

" _No_ ," she bites. "Not until she apologizes first and frankly, you apologize. I just got home, Dad, and all your time is spent with Aubrey now or at work. I haven't had _any_ time with just you and now you won't even stick up for me. This household is a nightmare, just like it was when Mum was around. Maybe even worse."

It's a low blow and Lily knows it, but she can't help it.

"Lily, I'm sorry that you are upset but things have changed and you need to accept that otherwise none of us will be happy," Aubrey says. "If you can't adhere with the new rules, then perhaps it's best—"

"Are you for real? You're kicking me out now, too?" Lily scoffs and turns to her father, searching his tired eyes. "Are you really going to let her do that?"

"I think we should just take a beat, think things over, cool off, and have a family meeting later tonight to get everything off of our chests," her father suggests, glancing at his watch. "I've really got to be going—"

"Yeah, so have I," says Lily coldly. "Don't worry about making time for a stupid family meeting. We aren't a family, she's not my mother, and I'll be gone by the end of the week."

"Lily—"

But she's already out the door.

* * *

 ** _(the person that you have potential to be )_**

* * *

Lily crashes with Alice's family in Nottingham, knowing that Alice's quirky and calm ways can soothe Lily's raging desire to rip off Aubrey's head.

"I think it would be a good idea for you to move out, though," Alice advises.

Alice's little sister, Mary, is combing Lily's long red hair into a braid while Lily grumbles into her cereal bowl.

"I don't have enough money," Lily mopes. "I've only had two interviews with open columnist positions, with _The Practical Potioneer_ and _Transfiguration Today_ _,_ and they practically laughed in my face."

"It's because you don't have any experience," Alice notifies her. "You should be looking for an entry level position."

Lily makes a face as Mary tugs too hard on her hair and Alice laughs.

"I've seen quite a few ads for paid internships," Alice informs her, passing her the _Daily Prophet_. "The _Prophet_ might be your best option, really. As far as I've heard, most everyone that completes an internship with the _Prophet_ gets an offer. They have plenty of departments."

"I did not work my arse off in school just to do _coffee runs_ and _fact checks_ for a major newspaper, Alice. I want to be doing something _impactful._ "

"Your pride does not become you," Alice snickers. "Just give it a _shot_ , Lily. It might not be as much money as you first hoped but it'll be enough to get you out of your house and put your foot in the door. Let's be truthful, if you want to be a successful journalist, an internship with the _Prophet_ is the way to go."

With defeat, Lily spreads the _Prophet_ out in front of her.

* * *

 ** _(i_ _ll-housed and ill-advised_** **_)_**

* * *

Lily moves out of her childhood home quicker than her father expects her to.

She's certain that he thinks she's bluffing for quite some time, until the morning Dorcas and James arrive to help move her out.

Thankfully, Aubrey has the morning shift and isn't there to ruin the touching moment she shares with her father as he weeps and holds her close, apologizes for how things have gone down since she's returned from Hogwarts.

He makes her promise to visit, have dinner with them from time to time, and ring him at least once a week.

Dorcas and Lily pack themselves into a cheap and dingy flat in poverty-stricken Whitechapel, London. The sooty city—made famous from the slew of prostitute murders by the hand of Jack the Ripper in the late 1800's—is jam-packed with dirty butcher shops, foul smelling slaughterhouses, and breweries and is quite exciting in a deeply unnerving, dangerously urban type of way.

They purchase their flat while it is caked with mold, has an infestation of cockroaches, and despite that it is positioned directly next to a rickety railway whose trains like to blare outside her window at midnight every evening. But to Dorcas, none of this matters—the mold can be vanished easily and the locks can be replaced, the plumbing can be fixed and the vermin can easily be rid of—because Whitechapel is known for its prominent and growing art community and gives her the chance to open her own art studio.

"I don't know if I like the idea of you two living here," James confesses when he's finished helping Lily unpack her small bedroom. "Dorcas, if you don't have some bloody curtains for the den and your bedroom by tomorrow, I will _flay_ you alive and go get them _myself_."

He pulls her curtains closed with a flourish after discovering that the overweight and balding man across the street owns a pair of binoculars and is _far_ too pleased with his new female distractions.

"I mean, this place is pretty sketchy, Lil," James continues worriedly, crushing a cockroach in disgust and staring at it with immense displeasure as it continues to twitch.

"We're perfectly safe here, James," Lily assures him. "We've set up protective spells and we've got our wands and a working phone and fireplace. You can Floo or ring whenever you please and make sure we're both still breathing."

"Jack the Ripper is long dead by now, you know," adds Dorcas from the other room.

James rolls his eyes and then becomes very serious.

"It could be dangerous for two pretty girls like yourselves, though," James frets, "especially with Dorcas being black. Racial murders are rampant in these parts..."

"I'll be _fine_ , James!" calls Dorcas from the den. "Honestly, Lily, he stresses more than you do."

"Okay, scratch my worry over Dorcas being _murdered_ ," James yells teasingly, "my biggest concern is how awfully _thin_ these bloody walls are."

* * *

 ** _(she's a deadly man, she could really rip your world apart)_**

* * *

Lily manages to snag a paid internship with the _Daily Prophet_.

She works twenty-five hours a week out of the main headquarters in Diagon Alley in a small corner office with five other interns and it's exactly as she predicted—multiple coffee runs, hours of endless fact checking, sorting manuscripts, and assisting jumbled and fast paced journalists and flustered, no nonsense editors with their day to day activities.

But Lily doesn't mind much that she's practically invisible to anyone with significance in the department or that she drowns daily in an unrealistic heap of duties others are simply too busy to accomplish themselves, because Lily Evans is _made_ for this.

She's cutthroat and she's witty and she's _passionate_.

She's confident her summer program will go by quickly and easily.

Until Mary MacDonald is hired on as a fellow intern and is given the desk _right next_ to Lily's.

* * *

 ** _(working hard to get my fill)_**

* * *

"So, Lily Flower, how's your internship?" asks Sirius upon her arrival to their flat.

Lily, who has just gotten off work, is in a foul mood.

"She's a _monster_ ," Lily hisses, closing the door behind her and gesturing to the large coffee stain on her white blouse. "I've tried _everything_ and it still won't come out, no matter how many times I charm it."

"Oh, bad luck. That's not going to come out easy," clucks Sirius in sympathy.

"I swear, it's like she's trying to sabotage _any_ chance I have at becoming a full-time employee," Lily complains.

James beckons her from the couch, eases her into his arms, and kisses her forehead comfortingly. Her body immediately begins to relax.

"Who?" questions Sirius.

"Mary MacDonald," grates Lily.

"Also known as She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-In-Front-Of-Lily," James adds.

"Again, _who_?" asks Sirius.

Lily puffs out a breath and James laughs.

"You know Mary MacDonald," he tells Sirius. "Mousy brunette Gryffindor, always obsessing over you?"

"Not ringing a bell," Sirius says, shrugging and heading into the kitchen.

"You snogged her in the _boathouse_ , Padfoot," James reminds him.

"I've snogged loads of females in the boathouse, Prongs," counters Sirius. "You really expect me to remember all of their names?"

There's a blare of static and a strange warble of a song from the nearby radio that cuts off James's retort.

"He can't stop listening to this bloody station," mutters James irritably, reaching to fumble with the radio.

"Don't you _dare_ touch my radio!" shouts Sirius from the kitchen.

James releases a frustrated sigh, props his feet up on the coffee table, and folds his arms across his chest like a petulant child. Lily brushes her fingers over his hair and attempts not to giggle.

"Really, must it always be on the same bloody—"

"—no respect for other people's things—"

"—honestly, it's getting really _old_ , Padfoot—"

"—not my fault you have _rotten_ taste—"

"—bloody Celestina Warbeck—"

"—captivating _news_ segments—"

"—and since when do you care about the _news_ —"

Lily's ears perk as a familiar voice begins talking from the radio's small speakers. She shoots up immediately and lurches toward the radio, fumbling with the volume.

"Oh my—that's Marlene!" she gasps, turning the volume up a notch more.

James sneers at her in irritation.

"Mind the volume, would you?" he swipes.

"Shut it, whiney," she commands, flapping her arms at him. "I can't believe it. Why didn't Marlene _tell_ me she got the job at the Wizarding Wireless Network? She's been gunning for it ever since we left Hogwarts!"

Sirius joins them on the couch, stretching his feet out on the table next to James's and perching his plate in his lap.

"Dunno why, honestly. She's been on there for nearly a month now," Sirius tells her, taking an unattractive bite out of his homemade burrito.

Lily narrows her eyes, finally returning her attention to the two boys nearest her.

"Get your dirty feet off of that coffee table!" she snaps. "Both of you have the most atrocious manners."

The two boys exchange looks, crack a grin.

"Yes, _Mummy_ ," they chorus.

She whacks them both with a rolled up evening edition of the _Daily Prophet_.

* * *

 ** _(glory, from the pretty boy front man_** ** _)_**

* * *

"What do you _mean_ you were attacked?"

Everyone at the Order meeting freezes and turns to stare at Sirius and James. They are seated at a long table in one of the private rooms in the Three Broomsticks that usually played host to private parties or events, two hours after Rosmerta has closed up shop and allowed them in.

"Well, you see, we took Sirius's motorcycle out for a spin," begins James hesitantly.

"More like a _fly_ actually," Sirius corrects and then backpedals at Lily's glare. "Right, not important information. So, we took my motorcycle—"

"Get to the bloody point!" she screeches, trying hard to ignore the ferocious whisking of her heartbeat.

"Right, so, we were spotted by some Death Eaters, managed to give them the slip, had a pretty hilarious conversation with these muggle cops that cornered us," Sirius explains and he and James chuckle at the memory.

"I'm so glad you two find this so amusing," Marlene snaps. "What's more funny to you, the part where two muggle police officers saw you flying off into the bloody sunset on your flying bike or the part where you and the muggles were put in _danger_ of Death Eaters."

"Three of them," points out Sirius proudly. "Not even a scratch."

James, however, is looking right at Lily when he responds, "It's not funny at all, actually."

Sirius rolls his eyes at Lily. Remus places a steadying hand on her thigh from under the table.

"Come _on_ , Lily. We're in good health and good spirits," Sirius says. "We fended off three Death Eaters and might have a trail to one of their hide-outs—"

"This is still funny to you, isn't it?" Lily snaps.

"Well, yeah, a bit," Sirius responds bluntly, leaning back on the back legs of his chair, arms spread out behind his head leisurely.

"James could have _died_. Your stupid foolishness could have gotten both of you killed!" she continues hotly. "Do you take _anything_ serious?"

"Lil—" starts James.

"Well, that _is_ my name, sweetheart," points of Sirius with a cheeky grin.

Something snaps inside of Lily.

"Sirius, mate, I don't—" James starts again.

Without warning, Lily flicks her wand underneath the table toward Sirius's legs. He flails suddenly, his cheeky grin wiping fast from his face, and topples over backward onto the carpet.

Several people, including Remus and Peter, erupt into loud laughter as Sirius flops around on the floor like a fish out of water.

"Now, _that's_ funny," Lily snarls and stalks from the room.

* * *

 ** _(would you light my candle?)_**

* * *

Dorcas accepts an offer to inspect a temperamental painting in the home of a wealthy heiress in Istanbul and leaves Lily alone for the weekend in their faucet-leaking, creaking, too-warm flat.

"The life of an art historian," Dorcas sighs dramatically as she kisses Lily's cheek goodbye. "Please don't murder Mary MacDonald while I'm gone. I would hate to visit you in Azkaban."

"Safe travels, you lucky cow," Lily snarks, waving her friend off.

Lily _tries_ to survive the night alone in their flat.

She really does.

But there's a car alarm going off every five minutes and the couple next door is screaming at each other again and two cats are whining sickly in the alley outside her window and she's certain she keeps hearing her doorknob rattle.

She's also _positive_ she overhears the man upstairs plotting his drug dealer's murder.

When James arrives by Floo, he finds Lily locked inside her bedroom, huddled in the corner with her blanket and her wand.

"I brought peace offerings," he tells her once he coaxes her from her bedroom and into the cramped den.

She settles on the chintz couch her mother lent them after she moved.

"Pepperoni pizza," James says, sliding the box toward her. "And a pint of Butterscotch Fudge Swirl is in the icebox once you're done."

Lily's frown breaks a little.

"Thanks for coming over," she mutters, taking a slice.

"Still angry with me?" he hedges, sitting down next to her.

She nods.

"I'm sorry, Lil," he apologizes for the third time. "He just really wanted to go for a ride."

"And if Sirius jumped off of a bridge, would you—You know what? Don't answer that."

James smirks, jabs her playfully in the ribs.

"Come on, Lily," he pleads. "Next time I promise to be more careful. Please don't be mad."

She exhales and nods.

"Fine, but only because you brought me goodies," she relents.

"Now who's the prat?" he snorts.

She pecks him on the cheek, flips on the TV, passes him the box of pizza, and they make-out late into the night, all the while pretending they can't hear the homosexual couple beneath them having agonizingly loud revenge sex.

* * *

 ** _(i live for the time alone with you)_**

* * *

"I need some alone time with you," Lily admits the following week over the blare of Sirius's radio. "I'm tired of sharing our space with your mates or mine."

James runs a hand through his hair in thought.

"I was actually thinking the same thing," he confesses with a secret smile.

Lily wriggles in his arms to better stare at his face.

"What's that expression?" she wonders suspiciously.

"Nothing," James lies.

Lily regards him knowingly, waits patiently, raises an eyebrow.

"Merlin, nothing gets past you, does it? You are so _nosy_ ," he concedes. "I had this whole romantic weekend planned. I was going to surprise you."

" _Really_?" Lily gushes. "Where are we going?"

"Nope, you are _not_ getting the rest out of me," James says. "You will be surprised, damn it. Mark my words."

Lily giggles into his chest.

"Get a room, will you?" Sirius grumbles from beside them, adjusting his skinny black tie. "I've got two hours till I have to be at my interview at the pub across the street and you lot are driving me mad."

"Leave for a bit then, yeah?" James counters. "You're driving _me_ mad."

Sirius belches loudly in response.

* * *

 ** _(party crasher, party snatcher)_**

* * *

Marlene invites Lily, Alice, and Dorcas over to her place in Hogsmeade for a girl's night and James insists she go relax with her friends, that he will pick her up the next morning for their trip.

"Where's he taking you?" inquires Dorcas.

"No clue," responds Lily. "He wants to keep it a surprise."

"How romantic," Alice sighs wistfully.

"What are you sighing on about? Your life is the epitome of romantic getaways," Marlene gripes. "Frank is, like, the most romantic person I've ever met."

Lily clears her throat, doesn't mention that Frank had never been that romantic with her.

"Have you two had sex yet?" Marlene asks.

Alice whacks her.

"Stop asking me that," Alice says. "Relationships aren't all about sex, Marlene."

At this, Marlene laughs loudly.

"Virgins," she sighs, shaking her head at Dorcas.

Dorcas just rolls her eyes.

"If they want to wait, that's up to them," Dorcas reminds Marlene.

"Speaking of sex," Marlene says abruptly, snapping her fingers. "I got you something, princess."

Lily scrunches up her face.

"Um, what?"

Dorcas and Alice shrug in response, watch as Marlene saunters out of the cozy den. She returns from her bedroom with a familiar looking magenta bag and tosses it at Lily. Lily dives into her gift, finds her two lace panties, her matching bralette, and her teal silk babydoll gown.

"H—How—did you—?" Lily stammers.

Marlene winks at her.

"Aubrey didn't end up tossing them," Marlene shares. "I snuck back in after you left for Alice's. I mean, come on, you paid fifty two pounds for that shit. There was no way in _hell_ I was letting brand new, expensive French imported lingerie get neglected like that."

Dorcas snorts into her pinot noir.

"I was all prepared to go dumpster diving for you, Lily," Marlene admits. "Luckily, I didn't have to. Want to know where I found them?"

All three girls nod.

"That bitch kept those for herself!" Marlene exclaims. "I went to check the bathroom waste basket and found them in an open suitcase. Apparently, she and your dad were planning a big trip—"

"Yeah, they were going to Dublin for the weekend," Lily recalls.

"Well, that woman stole your underwear to seduce your _father_ ," laughs Marlene and Lily's nose crinkles up. "I simply could _not_ allow such a disaster to occur."

"Hear, hear," agrees Dorcas. "Bloody good show, Marly."

"Thanks, love," Lily says, hugging Marlene close. "But why are you giving them to me now? Not weeks ago when you stole them from Aubrey?"

Marlene gives her a cheeky grin.

"I've been saving them for a special occasion," confides Marlene with a conspiratorial wink.

Lily glances between her friends in confusion.

"I don't get it," she finally says. "What's the special occasion?"

"You'll find out soon enough," Marlene hints, gives another wink, and pours them more wine. "Now, who the hell wants to crash Sirius's first night as a bartender?"

* * *

 ** _(i want to lay you down on a bed of roses)_**

* * *

"Okay, open your eyes."

The room is beautiful peach and cream like a French manicure—fleur-de-lis wallpaper, gossamer white bedding, and thick velvet drapes that cover a grand wooden balcony overlooking an oceanic meadow of wildflowers and tall aspen trees.

"James, it's beautiful," she gasps. "Where are we?"

"It's just a small bed and breakfast in the countryside," James informs as he sets their bag down on the large mattress. "My parent's vacation here a lot."

"I can see why," Lily whispers happily. "When you said romantic getaway, I didn't expect anything like this."

"Doubting my charms already, are we?" he teases, snaking his arms around her waist and twirling her around.

She squeals as he drops her on the bed.

There's a light knock on the door and James shoots Lily another secret smile and heads to the door.

"Another surprise?" Lily calls.

James returns with an antique silver tray. On it is a plate of chocolate covered strawberries and a tall bottle of champagne.

"You really know how to treat a lady, don't you?" Lily says in her shock, taking the offered glass he passes her.

She downs the small glass in one pass, earning a chuckle from James.

"Here, take a bite," he instructs, feeding her a strawberry. The chocolate cracks and dribbles messily down her chin and they both laugh. "Well, that was messier than I thought it would be."

He leans forward to kiss her and it's like kissing heaven—sharp bubbles of chilled champagne and melted wisps of chocolate syrup and tangy bright notes of strawberries.

"I love you, Lily Evans," he whispers onto her lips.

Lily's heart stammers and she thinks about the lingerie Marlene insisted she pack in her getaway bag. Did Marlene know what James had planned? Were they finally going to make love?

"You're shaking," Lily notices, pulling away. "Are you okay?"

James nods, draws in a deep breath.

"Just a bit nervous I suppose," he admits with a crooked smile. "Never done this before."

Lily cocks her head to the side, trying to still her racing heart.

"Done what?" she wonders.

Her question is soon answered as James pulls her close, reaches into his back pocket, and produces a fat velvet box.

Lily breathes out shallowly as James pops open the box with a loud _snap_ to reveal a vintage looking ring—rose petal gold with an oval cut diamond surrounded in an elegant halo of tinier diamonds.

"Alright, Evans?" he asks quietly, glancing up at her hopefully through a curtain of curly dark lashes.

Her breath catches in her throat.

And it's too fast, too soon, she isn't _expecting_ this, but of course this is what she wants, and of course she wants to say yes, she can't imagine marrying anyone else, and her _lungs_ aren't _working_ , and oh God, she still hasn't said anything—

"Alright, Potter," she answers finally.

With a triumphant beam, James slides the ring onto her left finger.

* * *

 _End of XII: 1978-1979_

 _Part Two_

* * *

As always, I live only for your feedback, so please leave me a review down below!


	13. Chapter 13

**If I Die Young**

* * *

 **Disclaimer:** I own absolutely nothing from the Harry Potter universe. This fanfiction is written purely for entertainment purposes and nothing more, though all ideas and writing are done by me and belong to me.

 **A/N:** Thank you for all of your wonderful reviews! I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update! Life kind of got a way with me. Love you all.

Enjoy!

—Annie

* * *

 **XIII**

 _1978_

 _Part Three_

* * *

 _You're the light, you're the night_  
 _You're the color of my blood_  
 _You're the cure, you're the pain_  
 _You're the only thing I wanna touch_  
 _Never knew that it could mean so much_

 _—Ellie Goulding_

* * *

 ** _(those first nervous evenings of perfume and gin_ _)_**

* * *

"James, wait," Lily huffs out against his heated lips.

He ignores her, his knuckles rubbing against the fabric of her knickers, playing with the heat between her thighs.

" _James_ ," she continues pointedly, wriggling against him. "Stop."

He pauses, coming up for air, eyes wild and confused behind his foggy glasses. She giggles fondly, scrapes her fingers lightly along the black hair of his chest.

"What? Are you okay?" he wonders seriously.

She nods. "Don't you think we should stop? Before things get to be too much and things go farther than you'd like?"

There's a glimmer of hesitance along his facial features and it's familiar to Lily because it's the look he usually gets when he's about to halt their fooling around because he's about to lose control. Disappointed but not surprised, Lily sighs and sits up.

"No," he whispers, dazed.

She blinks in surprise, watches as his eyes scan hungrily over her breasts staining against the material of her plum bra.

"I mean, James, we really can't keep testing the boundaries like this," she says, mildly frustrated. "You know that I really want to but I'm trying to respect the fact that you want to wait—"

His hands palm her bra cups and his tongue darts out to brush along the bottom of his lip.

"I don't want to stop," he responds, his voice husky and low as he captures her lips with his. " _Ever_."

His hands are urgent and warm as he flings her onto her back, the mattress springs groaning and screeching as he lowers himself over her and presses his bare chest against her shivering flesh. She can feel him straining through the thick fabric of his trousers and her hips buck upward on instinct. It's a welcome sensation and Lily's blood begins to pump hotly in her veins.

"Are—you—sure?" Lily gasps out between kisses.

James fumbles with her bra clasp, nipping her bottom lip between his teeth, and nods with a frantic pant. Her breasts finally free, he tosses the bra over his shoulder and moves his lips to her left nipple. Lily arches instinctively into his hands, his mouth, and _almost_ forgets her question.

"But—But—didn't you—want to—wait?" she puffs out, pressing her palms against his bare chest.

"I don't know what I was bloody thinking when I said that," James responds honestly, pupils dilated with lust. "I literally cannot wait a second longer."

Lily giggles happily as he returns his kisses to her body with a growl. Her giggle slowly dissolves into a long moan as James pushes her underwear to the side and slips a finger into her folds.

"God, I love the sounds you make," he tells her gruffly.

Her fingers trap themselves in James's wild black hair as he goes down on her, his tongue marking her as his own. She mews embarrassingly loud, arches her hips up, tightens her fingers around tufts of his hair.

"Please," she whispers, ripping his leather belt through the loops of his trousers and discarding it at the foot of the bed.

He flicks his tongue once, twice, and her head lolls back on the pillow, her green eyes rolling to the back of her head. Her fingers slide down his zipper and her hand grasps him through the material of his boxers, issuing a light gasp from James. She slides them down his legs and he kicks them off and he springs forward, free and excited.

Her teeth scrape against her bottom lip as she stares openly at the sight of him, and though she's _seen_ him before, _touched_ him before, he's never been _inside_ of her before. There's a familiar pang between her thighs, a tightening spasm from deep inside, and her abdomen lurches nervously.

She wonders distantly how he's going to _fit_.

His eyelids flutter as her fingertips brush along the sensitive, soft skin. He twitches in her palm as she strokes him.

"I want you," she tells him quietly, staring up at him through her lashes.

"Believe me, the feeling is mutual," he rasps. "Are you nervous?"

"A little," she confesses shyly.

"Me, too," he agrees, exhaling shakily.

She pulls his face down to hers, kisses him deeply.

"You know I love you?" she assures him.

He visibly relaxes, nods against her forehead.

"I love you, Lily Evans," he breathes.

"Potter," she corrects him. "Lily _Potter_."

He gazes at her tenderly, all traces of nervousness replaced by complete love, and captures her lips urgently with his.

* * *

 ** _(we'll run away if we must)_**

* * *

The following morning, Lily wakes to James's explorative fingers. He smiles sheepishly when he's caught and she giggles sleepily into his chest, enjoying the feel of their bare bodies pressed against each other.

"I ordered us some breakfast," James alerts her, kissing her forehead. "We worked up quite the appetite last night, in my opinion."

"Mmm, I'm starved. What did you get me?" she says in appreciation, stretching her arms high above her head.

"Some hash, toast and jam, fruit, and tea," he informs her, slipping out of bed.

She gazes him appreciatively as he twists to crack his back.

"Where are you headed?" she calls after him as he disappears behind the corner.

"I was going to shower," he answers, backing up to poke his head out from behind the wall. "Want to join?"

"In a sec," Lily replies, reaching for the phone on her bedside table. "I'm going to call my parents and let them know the news."

James grins proudly.

"Good plan, though your dad _does_ already know," James tells her.

Lily quirks an eyebrow at her messy haired finance.

"Well, I had to ask for his blessing, didn't I?" he states, shrugging. "It's not just a muggle tradition, you know."

She shakes her head, grinning.

"You didn't need to do that, you know," she says. "You probably embarrassed the hell out of my dad by doing so."

James shrugs again, bares a cheeky grin, and winks at her in a way that makes Lily's stomach flip.

"Don't take too long, yeah?" he hints, raising his eyebrows suggestively at her.

"I'll be right in," she giggles excitedly. "I've just got to call my mum."

James disappears into the washroom and closes the door behind him. She dials her mother's flat, smirking as she listens to James crooning a Beatles song as he starts the shower.

"Hello, this is Diane," says Lily's mother.

"Mum, it's Lily."

"Hi, darling," replies her mother exuberantly. "I wasn't expecting your call."

"How's everything going?" asks Lily.

"Oh, fine, just fine," responds her mother. "Listen, Lil, I was just about to leave for the airport—"

Lily rolls her eyes, tries not to scoff, plays with the curly cord of the hotel phone.

"Oh," she responds abruptly. "Where are you traveling to?"

"Wherever the wind takes me, really," Lily's mum answers breezily. "I think I'll start off at Bali, maybe head to Thailand or India after that."

"Wow, that's adventurous," Lily comments. "What made you decide to do that?"

"Just thought I needed to rediscover myself, you know? I just needed to get away from England and find peace again."

Lily nibbles on her lip. "How long will you be gone?"

"That's in the air," her mother says lightly. "However long it takes for me to find myself again."

Lily's foot rubs back and forth along the wooden panels of the floor.

"Right, listen, I was actually calling to give you some news," says Lily, steering the conversation away from her mother's trip.

"Lil, I'm headed out the door—"

Lily's fingers wind into a fist.

"Mum, it's important, okay? It won't take long," she snaps.

There's silence on the other end.

"I'm engaged," Lily states simply, growing more annoyed. "James proposed last night."

She hears her mother's loud inhale.

"Oh, Lily," she sighs heavily. "Tell me you're joking."

Lily's eyes squeeze shut as she tries to calm her flaring temper.

"That wasn't the reaction I was expecting," she laughs out darkly.

"Well, can you really expect me to be jumping for joy for you, hon?" reasons her mother.

"Actually, _yes_ ," Lily snarls. "That's exactly what I was expecting."

Her mother sighs again.

"Why aren't you happy for me?" Lily wonders heatedly. "I'm getting _married_."

"Well, as long as you are happy."

Lily bristles, nails cutting into her palms.

"I _am_ happy," she grates. "That's why I'm _calling_ you."

"What does your father think about all this?" questions her mum.

"He's over the moon," Lily clips.

"Of course he is," scoffs Lily's mother.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Lily wonders, anger rising. "James asked him for our blessing. He _loves_ James."

"Oh, honey, don't get offended. James is a great person," Lily's mother gripes.

"Then what the hell is the problem?" demands Lily hotly.

"Don't you think you're a little _young_?"

Lily releases a frustrated sigh.

"No, frankly, I don't."

"Well, you _are_ young, Lily," argues her mother. "You are too young to get married. You don't even really know what love is at this point. How many boyfriends have you had?"

"Petunia was young when she got married to Vernon!" points out Lily.

The door to the washroom opens and James pokes his head out, staring over at Lily in concern. He's clearly heard the escalating conversation from inside the shower.

"And I had the same conversation with her that I'm having with you," says her mother. "Lily, you just graduated from school like a _month_ ago. You shouldn't be tied down this early in your life. You need to go out and have fun and travel and be independent and young."

"I can do all of those things while I'm married to James," protests Lily.

"Marriage is a lot of responsibility, honey. It's hard work and it's not pretty—"

"I _understand_ that—"

"You have your whole life ahead of you and you're just going to throw it away for some _boy_ —?""

"Let me make myself perfectly clear," Lily cuts her off. "James is not just some _boy_. He's a wonderful, generous, brave man and he's going to be my _husband._ This is _my_ life and _my_ choice—"

"You're making a mistake."

"No, I'm _not_!" flares Lily. "Just because you and Dad were married young and your marriage failed and you're a miserable person that has to run off to a different country to _find herself_ doesn't mean _my life_ and _my marriage_ will. I've made damn sure I wouldn't turn out like you and I'll continue to make damn sure I never _do_."

There's a click on the other line and then a dial tone. Lily slams the phone down on its box and begins to cry.

"She hung up on me," Lily sniffles. "I shouldn't have said those things—she just pissed me off so _much_ —if she could just be _happy_ for us—"

James comes to her side, wraps her in a comforting embrace, kisses her temple.

"Let her have some time to cool off. Why don't we give her a call in the morning?" he suggests. "She'll come around, love. I know she will."

Lily shakes her head.

"She's gone," Lily says. "She's flying to Bali or Thailand or India or someplace and doesn't know when she'll be back."

James frowns.

"Whatever," she sighs. "I'm over it and I'm over her."

She grasps his hand in hers, pulls him into the steamy washroom, and takes out all her frustrations out on his wet, slick, hard body.

* * *

 _ **(baby, this is getting serious)**_

* * *

Lily arrives home to her small, dingy flat late Sunday evening with James at her side.

"Dorcas?" she calls, tossing her overnight bag into her small bedroom. "I'm home."

She's met with silence. "

Dor, are you here?" Lily shouts again.

She looks toward James, who is rummaging through their refrigerator, and he shrugs as he takes out a package of lunch meat.

"Maybe she's gone out?"

Lily furrows her brow, shakes her head.

"That's so weird that she's not home," Lily states. "She's never gone this late on a Sunday."

James shrugs again, slathers a piece of bread with bright yellow mustard, slaps a slice of ham over it.

"Got any cheese?" James asks, ducking into her fridge once more.

"James, cut it out," Lily gripes. "I'm being serious. This really isn't like her."

"You're really worried, aren't you?" James notices, shutting the refrigerator door and setting a head of lettuce on the counter.

"She knew I'd be home tonight," Lily tells him, crunching on her fingernails. "She would have at least left a note."

"I'm sure it's nothing," James assures her. "She might have just ducked out to supermarket. Heaven knows you lot need more food round here."

"We have plenty of food, you pig," Lily says, rolling her eyes.

James sticks his tongue out at her.

"Maybe she's got somebody over," James reasons. "Or she's asleep."

"Dorcas isn't seeing anyone; she would have told me," Lily protests.

She stalks over to Dorcas's bedroom, knocks loudly, and enters after hearing no reply.

"Her room's empty," Lily tells him and returns to the kitchen, holding up Dorcas's wand. "Tell me, James. Why the hell would Dorcas Meadowes leave the flat after eleven on a Sunday evening without her wand?"

James frowns and his mustard-laden butter knife clatters into the kitchen sink.

* * *

 ** _(something in the night is dangerous)_**

* * *

"Marlene and Alice haven't heard from her since she left Marlene's after you picked me up for our weekend getaway," Lily informs him, pacing through her small den.

"The boys haven't heard from her either," James responds.

Lily whimpers, fingernails digging desperately into the chintz sofa. Her eyes rake over the small television and the news segment that's on.

"Honestly, Lil, I'm sure she's fine," James attempts but realizes his efforts are futile.

Lily continues to pace.

It's nearing two in the morning.

Her stomach twists with dread.

She grabs her wand and her denim jacket and yanks open the door.

"Where are you _going_?" James demands, following her out of the flat.

"I can't just _sit_ here letting my mind get away from me," Lily responds tightly. "I'm going to look for her."

"She could be _anywhere_ , Lily," says James.

Lily takes the stairs two at a time.

"Something is really wrong, James," she insists. "I know it. I _feel_ it."

James pauses, stares into her wide green eyes, and nods.

He knows by now to never doubt her intuition.

* * *

 _ **(i can hear the sirens burning)**_

* * *

They find her a block away from Dorcas's art studio. She's sporting a busted lip and a gnarly black eye, her right eyelid half-closed and her eye's blood vessels broken.

"Dorcas!" shouts Lily in alarm, running to her side.

She's seated on the curb with an ice pack pressed against her face and a bandage around her neck.

"She's fine, she's my roommate," rasps Dorcas to the muggle police officer in front of them.

"Oh my God, I knew something was wrong," Lily gasps, clutching her friend's hand. "What happened?"

"She was attacked while walking home from her art studio," informs the police officer. "Her attacker's choked her pretty badly. She's going to need to rest easy and not talk much to ensure she doesn't do more damage."

Lily takes a moment to look up at James, finds him stone-faced and stiff and _angry_.

"Who did this to her?" he seethes.

"We have a unit circling the area to find anyone of suspicious activity but she didn't get a clear look so there's not a lot we can go off of," the officer responds.

"Muggle or wizard?" Lily presses once the officer takes his leave.

"I don't know, Lily," Dorcas answers softly, sobbing into her denim jacket. "It all happened so fast. With you gone, I got bored and went to do some work at my art studio and before I knew it, it was really late. I went home but I forgot to lock up so I just ran back down here really fast to do so and on my way back I was attacked. I forgot my wand..."

Lily holds Dorcas close until she's done crying and rests sullen and exhausted on her shoulder.

"That's it," James says darkly, practically glaring at Lily. "You both are moving out of this hell hole first thing in the morning and I'm staying with you two tonight."

"James—"

"That's _final_ ," he snaps, cutting Lily off.

For once, she doesn't argue.

* * *

 ** _(they can't see who we are)_**

* * *

The following morning, James takes Lily and Dorcas over to his parent's place and heads back over to the flat in Whitechapel with Sirius in toe to round up their things.

Lily munches numbly on wheat toast and jam, watching Dorcas carefully sip her Earl Grey. Fleamont is seated, oddly quiet, at the dining table, his nose buried in a morning copy of the _Daily Prophet_.

"When James told me what had happened, I couldn't believe my ears," clucks Euphemia, shaking her head and clutching the strand of pearls along her collarbone. "You poor thing."

She simpers endearingly at Dorcas's bruised face, dabs at the corner of her elegant plum mouth with her napkin.

"How about you two girls shower and get cleaned up and I'll grab my potions kit for you, Dorcas," Euphemia suggests.

Lily cleans hers and Dorcas's dishes and is about to ask why Euphemia is staring at her like she's grown three heads when she realizes that what she's doing is odd to a pureblood woman.

"Er—" she stumbles over her words, switches off the faucet, and grabs her wand to finish cleaning them.

"That's quite all right, dear," Euphemia says. "The house elf can take care of things from here."

Lily blinks in response and sets the dishes in the sink, unsure of how to react. For the first time in a while, she feels completely out of her comfort zone and realizes just how painfully different she is from the Potter's.

"Right, I'm—I'm just going to go get showered, then," Lily dismisses politely, excusing herself and following Dorcas up the stairs.

"You okay?" Dorcas wonders.

"Fine," Lily responds. "You shouldn't be worrying about me right now."

"Lily, I'm always going to worry about you," Dorcas reminds her.

They separate into different bathrooms to clean up. Once Lily is fresh and dressed, she exits the steamy loo and is surprised and happy to hear James's voice from downstairs.

"I couldn't help but notice the ring on her left finger," Euphemia is saying. "I didn't realize you'd planned on giving giving her your grandmother's ring."

"I didn't know you'd be giving that girl a ring, in general," adds Fleamont. "We hardly know the girl, James."

There's an uncomfortable silence from below. I can hear James clearing his throat.

"Well, it had been Grandmother's will that when I propose, the ring would be mine to propose with or pawn off to get money for another ring," James replies.

"I can't believe my little boy is engaged," Euphemia says.

Lily pauses on the staircase.

"Mum, really—"

"Don't encourage the boy, Euphemia," Fleamont grumbles. "Why wouldn't you discuss this with us first? We had no idea that your feelings were this serious over her."

"I've been in love with her for quite a while," James responds tightly. "Besides, Dad, if I'd told you my plans you would have tried to talk me out of it."

Lily's heart stammers to a halt.

"And with good reason," Fleamont huffs.

"Are we _really_ going to start this again—"

Dorcas stumbles out of the guest shower in a t-shirt and jeans, a white cotton towel wrapped around her head.

"What are you doing—?" she starts and Lily shushes her with her hand.

"—nice girl but practically a stranger—"

"She's not a _stranger_ ," James protests, growing angry. "She's my _fiancee._ "

"Your father does have a point, sweetie," Euphemia butts in. "We hardly know anything about her. We met her back at Christmas when you were starting to date. I knew you had feelings for her, loved her even, but I never expected an engagement, especially so soon after leaving Hogwarts."

"—don't even have a job, what are you going to do with your life, how are you going to support her—?"

"—still just a child yourself—"

"—can't just expect us to be on board—"

Lily can't believe what she's hearing, doesn't know what to do.

"Maybe we should just go?" Dorcas whispers, gazing at Lily carefully and knowingly. "Let them talk things out?"

"And go where, Dorcas?" snaps Lily. "Back to our empty flat where you were brutally attacked? No."

"We can go stay with Marlene," Dorcas replies easily, ignoring Lily's terse tone. "She's got two extra bedrooms and wouldn't mind us staying with her until we find something else."

Lily sighs, rubs her twitching left eye.

"Fine, that's fine with me if it's okay with her. We need to—"

"For your information, I _do_ have a job," James shouts, quieting their conversation. "I was just accepted into the Auror program last week. My training start on Wednesday."

 _"What_?" Lily gasps in amazement, turning to Dorcas in surprise. "Why wouldn't he—? Why didn't he _tell_ me?"

"—incredible, honey, you never mentioned—"

"—still doesn't change much. You still have to think about—"

"—how wonderful, so proud of—"

"—what are _her_ plans, anyway? What if she decides she doesn't want to live in the Wizarding world—"

"—raise your children or is she going to—"

"—think about your kids potentially being _squibs_ —"

"—breaking centuries of pureblood traditions—"

"—never had a _muggleborn_ in the family—"

Their conversation comes in and out of Lily's ears, her surroundings a blur. She's numb. She can't breathe, can't think, can't believe what she's hearing.

"I have to go," she tells Dorcas softly, numbly trailing down the stairs.

"Lil—" Dorcas starts, worried.

She wedges James's grandmother's ring off of her finger and it blinks rosy in the chandelier light.

"I don't think I can do this," Lily tells her, places the ring on the wooden banister at the end of the stairs.

" _Lily_ —" Dorcas tries again, falters at the look on Lily's face.

Dorcas glances in concern between her and the abandoned engagement ring.

"Please tell James I'm sorry," Lily hiccups, close to tears now. "I'll meet you at Marlene's later."

"Lily, don't go—" Dorcas attempts but Lily flings open the front door.

The Potter's immediately stop arguing once they hear her loud 'pop' of departure.

* * *

 ** _(they stick with it)_**

* * *

Lily arrives in Hogsmeade and immediately succumbs to heavy sobs once Marlene opens the door of her cottage.

"Shit, princess, what the hell happened?" Marlene wonders, pulling her through the doorway and settling her onto the cream sofa.

Marlene passes Lily a copper afghan that Alice had knit for her last Christmas and Lily wraps it around her shoulders.

"Can Dorcas and I—stay here until—we find—another—another—place?" Lily hiccups.

Marlene passes Lily a box of tissues.

"Anything you guys need," Marlene insists, rubbing Lily's back. "How's Dorcas?"

"She's fine," Lily sniffles, dabbing at her bleeding mascara until her cheeks are rubbed raw. "Little shaken up but you know Dorcas."

Marlene nods, smiling fondly.

"Well, I'm glad she's okay, but you are clearly not," Marlene notes. "What's wrong? Didn't your weekend go well?"

Lily begins to sob again and Marlene's eyes widen, narrow in on Lily's bare left hand.

"Wait, he didn't—? But he said he was going—" Marlene stumbles over her words.

"He did," Lily tells her. "He proposed."

"But the ring—?" she hedges.

Lily squeezes her eyes tight and several tears leak out, tumble over her black-smeared cheeks.

"I left it at his parent's place," Lily whispers brokenly.

Marlene gasps, sits up straighter.

"No. You two did _not_ break up," she says, almost angrily.

Lily pulls her knees up to her chest and rests her head on her kneecaps.

"I can't marry him, Marly," Lily says. "He's pureblood and I'm muggleborn and I'd be ruining centuries of family tradition—"

Marlene snorts.

"So? Since when do you give a fuck about any of that?"

"Since my future in-laws don't approve of James's new bride-to-be," Lily answers dryly. "You should have _heard_ them ripping into him like they were."

"So they don't like you, so what?" Marlene challenges. "All that matters is James and what he and you want. You aren't marrying his parents."

"I just feel like the world is against us," Lily continues sadly. "My mother doesn't want me marrying him, doesn't want me married at all. I haven't heard a word from my sister. My dad loves James and gave his approval but my dad is easy to please as long as he doesn't have to worry about me anymore, and now this? It's just too much on top of Dorcas being attacked and everything going on in the world. We have no support from our families and as much as I love him, maybe this is _wrong_. Maybe this is a sign that I just shouldn't marry him."

Marlene blinks at Lily, taken aback by her negativity and despondency.

"Maybe we _are_ too young," Lily finally says.

"Shut up," Marlene snaps. "I don't ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again. You know, for someone so smart, you sure are stupid."

Lily ricochets back.

"Don't look at me like that," Marlene gripes. "You and James are the best people I know. What the two of you have...it's _rare_ , okay? It's something I didn't know _existed_. You two make me believe in the impossible. You two make me believe in love. And one day, a long time from now, maybe I'll be lucky enough to have even a _piece_ of what the two of you have. You _have_ to be together."

Lily sniffles into another tissue.

"You're _soulmates_. You don't give up on something like that."

She stares down at her lonely, bare left hand and sighs heavily in defeat.

* * *

 ** _(just can't quit it)_**

* * *

James arrives with Dorcas and Sirius that evening with their belongings.

Lily's heart quenches when she hears his low timbre speaking quietly with Marlene.

"Where is she?" he demands.

He's met with silence.

"Marlene, _where_ is she?"

"Blimey, Potter, keep your voice down," Marlene grumbles. "I put her to bed a little over an hour ago. She's been in a rotten state, hasn't stopped crying over you all bloody day."

Lily hears James's haggard sigh.

"I need to see her," he says.

"Well, I don't know if she want's to see you, frankly," Marlene replies.

"Oh, come on," Dorcas scoffs. "She loves him. The very possibility of his parent's not approving of her only shows that."

"Load of toss what they think anyway," Sirius pipes. "If I gave two shits over what my parent's thought, I'd have landed myself in Slytherin and be having tea parties with old Snivellus right now."

"Well, it's a little different when it's the parent's of your fiancé, Sirius," Dorcas snaps. "She has every right to be upset. But she needs to see James so that they can work this out."

" _Please_ , Marlene," begs James. "Let me see her. Where is she?"

Marlene gives a long sigh.

"She's in my bedroom, second door on the right."

Lily hears his frantic, loud footsteps creaking on the floorboards, hears him falter as he reaches the hall, hesitates outside her door. There's a quiet knock on the door.

"Lil?"

She remains quiet, presses her face deeper into her pillow. She just wants to sleep and forget the world.

"Lily, please open the door," James pleads.

When she doesn't, she hears him rustle in his pocket for his wand and charm the door open. It slides forward with a well-placed _creak_.

"Lily, love?" he whispers, coming to her side. "Are you awake?"

She sniffles in response and he sighs, whether in relief or frustration she doesn't know.

"Will you talk to me?" he asks, settling on the bed next to her.

"No," she says quietly, stubbornly. "I don't want to talk."

"Okay," he whispers. "Can I at least just be with you?"

She nods, scooting over on the mattress to allow him room. He slides under Marlene's black and white polka dot sheets and snakes his arm around Lily's waist, nuzzling her neck and inhaling the scent of her hair.

"Why did you leave me like that?" he whispers. "I was so afraid you'd left for good."

Lily shrugs.

"You're not leaving me for good, are you?" he asks, alarmed by her stiffness.

"I don't know," Lily cries into her pillow, fresh tears rubbing raw against her puffy eyes.

"Lily, I love you with all of my heart," he says, clutching her to his chest so that she feels his heart pounding heavily against her.

He's scared.

"Please don't leave me," he pleads, kissing her shoulder. "My parents are just voicing their concerns. They _do_ like you, I promise. My father is just very set in his ways and marrying you means breaking centuries of tradition and bloodline purity. It's all a bunch of hogwash to me but it's a big deal to my father. My mother is really happy for us and I know Dad'll come around. He's a stubborn man but he just wants me happy."

"Someone else can make you happy," Lily sniffles. "Someone who will give you everything you need and fit into your world."

He sighs.

"Lily, look at me."

When she doesn't immediately do as he says, he flips her over onto her side so that he can stare into her puffy, mascara-caked face. He smiles as if she's the prettiest thing he's ever seen, despite all of it.

" _You_ are everything I need. You _are_ my world," he vows, stroking her jaw. "I _love_ you, Lily, and we are going to have our _own_ family. Our _own_ bloodline. Nothing matters in this life without you by my side. Please say you're still going to marry me."

Lily weakens and snuggles in close to his chest.

"I love you," she mumbles.

"I love you, too," James responds fondly.

He ruffles in his pocket and pulls out his grandmother's old ring.

"Alright, Evans?" he asks pointedly, holding the ring out for her to take.

She gives him a watery, weak smile and takes the ring from his fingers, slips it onto her left finger.

"Alright, Potter," she replies and kisses him deeply.

* * *

 ** _(relax, take it easy)_**

* * *

Dorcas and Lily take the two bedrooms upstairs in Marlene's cottage and settle in comfortably.

Lily has trouble sleeping the first night, despite James being there with her.

Hogsmeade Village is quiet, peaceful even. It is a wonderful change from Whitechapel.

No rickety railway rattling her windows at night, no train whistle blowing like clockwork at midnight every night, no perverted man across the street spying on them, no neighbors abusing each other.

No sirens.

No racial slurs spat grumpily at the sight of Dorcas whenever they'd go to the corner store.

No attacks.

Lily hasn't felt this safe and relaxed in a long while, is grateful for Marlene's hospitality.

"We should look for a place to live here," Lily proposes to James the following morning while showering together in the upstairs bathroom.

"In Hogsmeade?" James says, surprised. "I thought you wanted to live in Godric's Hollow?"

"Maybe eventually, yeah," answers Lily. "But I want to _end_ our journey at Godric's Hollow. The hollow is where I would love to settle down when we have a family, you know? I mean, we're just starting out."

"Fair point," he agrees happily, playing with Lily's soaking wet hair. "Frankly, I don't _care_ where we live, as long as I get to live with you."

* * *

 ** _(i really love you and we're gonna get married)_**

* * *

The gang throws a celebration party at the pub Sirius tends at to congratulate James, Frank, and Alice on their acceptance into the Auror program, and it's a night of new surprises for everyone.

"I can't believe you are engaged!" Alice giggles happily, giving both James and Lily a tight embrace. "Let me see the ring."

Lily offers her hand to be inspected and Alice coos in appreciation.

"Dorcas is maid of honor, obviously," Alice says knowingly. "And Sirius is best man."

"Yes, and I'd love for you and Marlene to be bridesmaids," Lily says.

"Oh, of course!" Alice gushes. "I would love to. Thank you."

"Have you set a date?" wonders Frank.

"We have, actually," Lily replies. "We decided we don't want a long engagement. We are getting married November first."

"Wow, why the rush?" Marlene coughs from behind them.

"Yeah, are you pregnant?"

"Peter, you can't just ask someone if they're _pregnant,_ " Remus admonishes.

"What Peter said, are we expecting another Potter running around?" Sirius pesters.

"No, we are not pregnant!" James scoffs. "We just don't see the point in waiting. We want to start our lives together."

"Well, cheers to new adventures!" calls out Sirius happily, taking a large swig from his butterbeer.

Later, as Lily is gathering her things to leave and the others have rushed out, Frank pulls her aside.

"I just wanted to say congrats," Frank says quietly.

Lily's stomach turns slightly.

"Thanks, Frank."

"It's funny how things turn out, huh?" he ponders. "I always thought it might have been you and me one day."

She smiles slightly, uncertainly.

"Yeah, me too. But now look at us," Lily points out. "You've found Alice and I've found James and we're both happier than we've ever been."

Frank swallows hard, stuffs his hands in his pockets.

"Yeah, you're right. Guess we can't really dwell on the past," he agrees.

"Lil, you coming?" James calls from the doorway. "Sirius is supposed to close up shop."

Lily nods.

"I'll see you later, Frank," she says in goodbye.

"Good luck and all that," he says. "He's a lucky bloke."

"You okay?" James wonders, slinging his arm around her. "You seem a bit distracted, kind of down."

Lily smiles up at James.

"You know I love you, right?"

He pokes her nose with his index finger.

"I'd hope so, you loon. You're marrying me," he jokes.

She snuggles into his chest and stares down at her ring.

She's never been this happy in her entire life.

"Yes, I am."

* * *

 _End of XIII: 1978-1979_

 _Part Three_

* * *

As always, I live only for your feedback, so please leave me a review down below!


	14. Chapter 14

**If I Die Young**

* * *

 **Disclaimer:** I own absolutely nothing from the Harry Potter universe. This fanfiction is written purely for entertainment purposes and nothing more, though all ideas and writing are done by me and belong to me.

 **A/N:** I've returned! I apologize for being away for so long but this year has been incredibly crazy and I haven't had the time or motivation to write. I appreciate your patience and hope you are pleased with this chapter. Please review and let me know your thoughts! I've missed hearing from all of you.

Enjoy!

—Annie.

* * *

 **XIV**

 _1978_

 _Part Four_

* * *

 _My love, leave yourself behind_

 _Beat inside me, leave you blind._

 _My love, look what you can do._

 _I am mending, I'll be with you._

 _—Sia_

* * *

 ** _(your candle burned out_ _)_**

* * *

Grandma Lois passes away unexpectedly on a hot August morning.

Lily attends the funeral with her distraught father, draped in mourning black with her brazen red hair coifed into an out of the way chignon. The neighborhood gathers after the funeral at her grandmother's modest house to bring the family meals and chat about the good times they'd all shared with Lily's grandmother.

"Such a tragedy," whispers one of Grandma Lois's many friends, dabbing her wrinkly purple eyelid with a monogrammed handkerchief. "Apparently she fell on the stairs and the shock of it sent her into heart failure."

Lily's eyes glaze over the staircase, toward the bottom stair that always creaks when you step on it, to the storage cupboard under the stairs that Grandma Lois kept her late husband's things.

"She couldn't even reach a phone to ring for help."

When they spot Lily listening, they scuttle over to her to give their condolences.

"You look just like she did back in the day," remarks another friend, cupping Lily's flushed cheek with her cold, knobby fingers.

Lily's fingers clutch at the pearls strung around her neck—a gift from Grandma Lois on her sixteenth birthday.

"Every young woman should always own at least one strand of pearls in her lifetime," she had insisted to Lily.

With a strained smile, Lily untangles herself from the doting elderly women and tracks her father down in the small kitchen. He's reading over the will and testament Grandma Lois has left behind.

Lily inherits all of her grandmother's finest china, three biscuit tins full of cash, and her grandmother's vintage cherrywood vanity with a small crack down the middle of the mirror.

Petunia—who hadn't even made it to the funeral—inherits most of the furniture, her own three biscuit tins full of cash, and Grandma Lois's home—Number 4 Privet Drive in Surrey, England.

* * *

 _ **(this is not my idea of fun)**_

* * *

Lily traces her index finger absentmindedly along the dewey rim of her glass of gillywater.

"—even listening to me?"

Lily pauses her movements and glances guiltily at Sirius.

"Sorry," she heaves and Sirius rolls his eyes, refills her gillywater. "I guess I'm just having some difficulty concentrating..."

The pub is at a standstill, with only a few quiet customers seated together in the cobwebbed corner booth.

"You don't say?" Sirius teases.

His smirk jerks downward when Lily releases another heavy sigh and downs her gillywater.

"Seriously, Lily Flower, what's with you?" he wonders, taking a rag to the counter.

"I've been offered a full position at the Daily Prophet," she answers dully.

Sirius beams at her in proud surprise.

"That's amazing—or...is it not?" he falters, frowning confusedly at her. "I thought you'd be happy?"

"I mean, yeah," she replies with a shrug, rapping her lavender fingernails against the polished cherry wood of the counter. "I guess I'm just surprised at the position I was given."

Sirius waits expectantly for her to continue.

"I'm an advice columnist," she shares with slight disappointment.

"What's the problem with that?" Sirius wonders. "You give great advice, even when people don't want to hear it."

She smiles at him slightly and rolls her shoulders backward to stretch her tired muscles.

"I had been hoping for something a bit more challenging where I could cover crime investigations or big news segments," she explains.

"Well, that's a big job, Lil," he reasons, throwing his rag over his shoulder. "They wouldn't just hand that over to just anyone, especially an intern."

Lily frowns darkly.

"Except they did," she announces bitterly. "They gave it to Mary MacDonald."

Without hesitation, Sirius grabs a spare glass and fills it to the brim with firewhiskey. Lily wrinkles her nose for a moment and then sighs again, takes the glass, and downs it in one swoop, cringing afterward.

"Thanks," she grunts out, coughing into her elbow.

"No problem," he says. "But really, you should be happy you even got a job. Remus still hasn't been able to find anything after his last employer found out about his little...problem."

Lily bristles, the firewhiskey burning in the pit of her stomach.

"I still can't believe that," she growls. "Remus is one of the most brilliant, hardworking people I know and it _pisses_ _me off_ that someone like him is being callously rejected and discriminated against simply because of his disease. It's not his _fault_ and he's not _dangerous_."

"People scorn what they are afraid of and they are afraid of what they don't understand," Sirius replies briskly, equally heated. "It's stupid."

"It should be _illegal_ ," Lily presses. "I don't know how it isn't, frankly. If I had the patience for law, I'd do something about it."

They share a moment of tense silence.

"How've you been?" she changes the subject, eyeing him carefully.

"Fine, I suppose," Sirius replies easily. "Just been busy working and trying to save up some money for bike repairs."

"And Peter?" she wonders curiously. "I never see him anymore."

Sirius snorts.

"He landed himself a ministry job, if you can believe it."

Lily's eyes widen, green and glassy.

"Doing what, exactly?"

Sirius shrugs. "I dunno. Probably trailing after someone as an assistant. It's what he does best, after all."

Lily scowls at him but remains quiet, not in the mood to argue.

She checks the time.

"Well, anyway, James should be out of training by now so I should get going," she dismisses herself, standing and throwing her purse over her shoulder. "Thanks for the drinks and the pep talk, Snuffles."

"It's my job," he replies cheekily, winking at her.

* * *

 ** _(if we were a movie)_**

* * *

"I've never been to one of these before," gushes Sirius excitedly.

Marlene rolls her eyes toward Lily.

"Calm down, Padfoot," chides James as the group heads toward the ticket booth. "You're going to make the muggles suspicious."

Sirius ignores him, bobbing up and down on the balls of his feet.

"Why don't you take him in to get some snacks and we'll get the tickets?" Lily suggests, smiling fondly as James steers Sirius into the theater.

"He's like a little boy on drugs," Marlene snorts. "Honestly, who gets that worked up over a film?"

"James was the same way when I took him to the cinema the first time," Lily informs her as they approach the ticket booth. "I made the mistake of taking him to a horror film."

Marlene grimaces, imagining it in her head.

"He didn't know whether to be more fascinated or terrified, so he was curled up next to me with his fingers over his eyes the entire time," Lily giggles. "He would scream like a banshee and hide in my sweater and the next moment he would be peeking through his fingers and sitting forward in his seat. It was hilarious."

"It's a shame that Alice couldn't make it," Marlene says once they are inside the cinema. "I feel like I'm on a double date."

Lily snorts.

"Please, Sirius is going to be glued to James's hip the entire time," Lily assures her. "He's not even going to notice you are there."

Halfway through the advertisements, Lily passes the large bucket of popcorn down to Marlene. Marlene and Sirius both reach for a handful at the same time and their hands connect. They spring back immediately, as if burned.

Lily pretends not to notice the raised blood in Marlene's cheeks or the way Sirius's knee bobs up and down like he's having a seizure.

It's so comedic and cheesy, almost like something straight of out a film.

* * *

 _ **(starting off on a journey)**_

* * *

"This is the one," Lily announces one late September evening. "We could put my bookcase right here, the television over there... _And_ it's only two streets away from Marlene's place!"

James releases a heavy breath of relief and chuckles, turning to the realtor with tired eyes.

"Well, you heard the little lady," James says, throwing his arm around Lily's shoulders. "We'll take it."

"Wonderful," the realtor gushes, scribbling on her clipboard with her quill. "I'll run your information and let the owner's know you're interested in renting."

"When will it be available?" Lily wonders eagerly as they exit the shamrock green door of the tiny rambler cottage.

"It should be ready mid-October, early November, if everything pans out like it should," explains the realtor with a smile and bids them a good evening.

Lily and James turn to face the small home—a burnt rust brick number with a small porch, green door and matching shutters, gray plated roof with moss lining the left side, a small poppy garden, and a white picket fence.

"Our first place as a married couple," Lily sighs, snuggling fondly into James's jacket sleeve.

She feels him smile as he places a kiss to her forehead.

* * *

 ** _(return to sender)_**

* * *

Lily is in the upstairs bedroom in Marlene's cottage, the cord of Marlene's guest room phone wrapped around her wrist, a flurry of wedding invitations spread out across the mattress.

"Don't suppose you've heard anything from Mum?"

I heard my father clear his throat in surprise over the phone.

"Your mother?" he clarified questioningly.

"Er, yeah," Lily said, rubbing her neck. She knew it was a long shot, considering those two hadn't spoken in quite a long time. "I'm sending out the invitations to the wedding today and I haven't been able to reach her to see if she's back from Thailand or India or wherever the hell she is."

Her father chuckled awkwardly. "Sorry, Lil, I haven't heard a thing from Diane in several months."

"Figured," Lily sighed. "I'll just send an invite to her flat in case she comes back. Thanks anyway. How's... Aubrey?"

Lily didn't actually _care_ how Aubrey was but she missed her father and it made material for conversation.

"She's doing well. She actually just walked through the door. Would you like to talk to her?"

Lily cringed and was grateful that her father was not near her to see the face she was making.

"No, no, that's okay," Lily said hurriedly. "I've actually got to get back to it. Got to make sure everybody gets an invite."

"Understood," her father said. "Love you, Lil."

"Love you, Dad. Bye."

She really didn't have that many more invites to send out—she'd been neglecting the last two invitations for nearly an hour now—but her dad didn't need to know that.

She sighs, glancing down at the last two invitations, one addressed to Petunia Dursley, the other addressed to Severus Snape. She licks the envelope encasing Petunia's invite closed and adds it to the pile on her bed.

Reaches for the remaining invitation and the letter she'd written to accompany the invitation. The letter that held her apology, her sadness over their broken friendship, her practically begging him to reconsider his decisions.

 _Stupid,_ she thought bitterly. _Like he'd even care at this point. Why open up old wounds? He's gone his way and I've gone mine and that's just the way it has to be._

Without a second thought, she tosses the letter into the waste basket and lights it on fire, watching the embers lick up the words she didn't have the courage to say, until it had disappeared.

* * *

 ** _(something old, something new)_**

* * *

The Potter's attic is dusty from neglect and Lily coughs violently into her elbow.

"Dreadfully sorry about all this," Euphemia apologizes, brandishing her wand and clearing the space of the many dust bunnies. "It's been a while since we've been up here. It's used mostly for storage now."

Lily nods silently, her throat still scratchy from the dust. The floor creaks under Euphemia's weight as she kneels in front of a large trunk. Still confused as to why Euphemia had insisted she join her in the attic, Lily watches the elder woman closely as she pulls a garment bag out of the trunk and cradles it in her arms, a small smile gracing her features.

"I know we didn't really leave things off right the last time you were here," Euphemia says, bowing her head. "I truly am sorry for what you overheard. We handled things in the wrong way."

Lily clears her throat, opens her mouth to say something, anything.

Closes it.

"James confided that your mother—"

Lily blinks, shuffled her feet. "Yeah, she's still off in some foreign country. I haven't been able to reach her. Guess she doesn't want to be found."

Euphemia shakes her head in sympathy. "It must be very hard not having your mother at this special time in your life."

"I've gotten by without her before," Lily insists. "I can do it again."

"You're very strong," Euphemia says, getting to her feet. "You know, Fleamont's parents didn't approve of me at first. It caused a lot of grief between Fleamont and his parents and because of it I never had a close relationship with my mother in law."

Lily snaps her hair tie against her wrist.

"I would hate for the same to happen to us and I'm sorry if I've made you feel like you aren't wanted in our family," Euphemia admits. "I already consider you a part of this family and I hope you can come to feel the same way."

Lily, caught off guard, balks at the woman. An unsure smile drifts across her face and Euphemia reaches out to stroke her cheek, like a fond mother would.

"I know it isn't really my place but with your mother gone, I thought I might lend a hand," Euphemia explains. "And please, if I'm completely out of line, tell me."

She passes Lily the garment bag and watches Lily unzip it. It takes all Lily has not to gasp out loud.

"It's...a wedding gown?" she whispers in surprise.

"It was mine," Euphemia confesses. "I'd been saving it all these years in case I had a daughter but as you know we never had the opportunity to have another child after James. It was a miracle we had him at all."

"It's beautiful," Lily comments, trailing her fingers over the cinched corseted bodice.

"I know it's quite ancient," the elderly woman states, looking somewhat embarrassed. "But James told me how much you like vintage items and I thought—well, if you hate it I won't be offended. I just thought I would offer."

"It's perfect," Lily breathes out, tearful. "Thank you, Euphemia."

And before she can contain herself, she throws her arms around James's mother and sniffles into her matronly shoulder.

* * *

 ** _(it's more than a touch or word can say)_**

* * *

"Shh, if Marlene and Dorcas find you here, they'll skin you alive," Lily whispers and then giggles as James presses a hot, wet kiss to her throat.

"They'll have to catch me first," James mutters against her skin, his breath warm.

"Won't your mates be wondering where you've got off to?" Lily gasps as he presses her against the closed door of her bedroom.

It's completely dark in her bedroom—she's supposed to be getting her _beauty rest_. After all, she'd been so eager to leave the bachelorette party being held in her honor downstairs. To be fair, it was rather late and she _had_ been tired.

Well, until she'd discovered James in her room, waiting patiently for her on her bed.

"Nah, they're all completely smashed," he tells her, smirking.

He catches her lips with his, his tongue dancing along hers eagerly. Her body reacts, her sheer need for him humming throughout her body, hot like electricity in her veins. She rips at his shirt, flinging it over his head swiftly.

James chuckles.

"Eager?" he teases, breathless as she captures his lips once more, raking her nails lightly against the nakedness of his chest and causing him to lose control.

His hands grab at her thighs, hitching her legs around his waist. Her surprised squeak causes him to chuckle against her lips.

She breaks away from his blazing lips, sucking in a deep breath.

"Bed. Now," she demands in a frenzied gasp.

He obeys, tossing her onto the bed and smirking as she releases another surprised squeak.

" _Careful_ ," she chastises him, glancing warily at the bedroom door.

The hallway lights have long since been distinguished, meaning Dorcas had retired for the evening.

"Don't act like you didn't enjoy it," he quips, raising his eyebrows suggestively at her as he climbs on top of her and pins her arms above her head.

Keeping her pinned, he reaches behind her and discards her bra, tossing it carelessly over his shoulder and replacing the fabric with his fervent mouth. She arches into him, her fingers tangling themselves in his hair.

"Stop teasing me," Lily gasps out.

"My, aren't we impatient, tonight?" he chuckles.

"James—I need you—please."

"I love it when you beg me to take you," he grunts, hissing as her hand slips into his trousers.

When they finally connect, it takes all Lily has not to shout out. James seems to reciprocate her feelings because he releases a loud groan into her breasts and thrusts into her harder.

"Faster," she demands, locking her legs tightly around his waist, urging him in deeper.

Their brisk movements cause the bed to clack loudly against the wall. In the back of Lily's mind, she distantly thinks about how they should probably be more quiet so as not to wake Dorcas down the hall, but finds she doesn't care. She moans loudly as he reaches between her legs and rubs her rhythmically. She feels a pressure building, a heat pooling between her legs, and her breath comes out in scattered, frenzied cries.

"Yes, yes," she moans and with one final cry, she rocks upward and clamps her teeth down on his shoulder, muffling the sound of her release against his skin.

Moments later she feels him do the same and he collapses on top of her, panting and sweaty. Several seconds later, when his breathing had returned to normal, James rolled off of her and pulled her onto his chest.

"Isn't it bad luck to see the bride the day of her wedding?" Lily hums.

"Is it really already the next day?" James wonders. "Where did the time go?"

"Still time to back out," Lily teases.

He scoffs and pulls her closer, kissing her on the forehead.

"Nah, you're stuck with me, Evans."

She smiles sleepily against him and succumbs to dreams.

* * *

 ** _(got my heart set on our wedding day)_**

* * *

"Lily?"

She glances up from the vanity she's seated at inside the bridal room of the small chapel. It had been her request to marry in Godric's Hollow and James's family had been more than happy to accommodate.

"It's time," Dorcas reminds her hesitantly.

Sniffling, Lily nods, padding carefully under her eyes as a fresh flurry of tears spilled out against her reddening skin.

"Still no sign of them?" Lily whispers despondently.

Dorcas bites her lip and smooths her hands against the silky fabric of her sea green dress.

"Unfortunately, no," Dorcas replies softly.

Her maid of honor helps her to her feet, touches up her make up, gives her a strong squeeze of courage.

"My dad's here, though?" Lily double checks.

Dorcas nods. "He arrived with Aubrey about thirty minutes ago. He's waiting to walk you down the aisle. Do you want me to grab him?"

Lily shakes her head, clears her throat, and raises her chin.

"No, I'll be fine," she assures Dorcas.

"I'm sorry, Lily..."

"I just don't understand...I mean, I went to Petunia's wedding. The least she could do is come to mine," Lily complains. "And my mother. How does a girl's own mother not show up to her own daughter's wedding? She attended Petunia's...why not mine?"

Dorcas, at a loss for words, shakes her head and gives Lily's hand another squeeze.

"Just try and remember that this day is about you and James starting a family of your own," she reminds Lily. "All that really matters is that he's up there waiting at that altar for you and that the two of you will spend the rest of your lives together."

Lily hears the wedding strain begin and her heart leaps nervously in her chest, drops into her stomach, and then skydives into her throat. Dorcas pulls her into the hallway.

"Ready to become Mrs. Lily Potter?" her father whispers, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

Marlene and Alice stand just outside the chapel doors, ready to make their entrance. They both smile at her encouragingly.

"More ready than I've ever been in my entire life," Lily responds confidently.

She takes a step forward, toward her future.

Toward the only thing that mattered.

Toward her James.

* * *

 _End of XIV: 1978_

 _Part Four_

* * *

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